The church we selected will not hold all of our guests.

clharrison2 · July 2013

So when me and my fiance got engaged, we decided to have the wedding at his church because he grew up in it and went his whole life. However, it is a very small country church, which initially was fine, because I had always planned on a small intimate wedding anyway. However, my mom really wanted the catering of the reception to be nice so she hired a really good one, however after paying the caterer the deposit we found out we must have a minimum of 175 people. That is not the issue, however the church will not fit that number of people comfortably on pews. It may can fit 100. I talked to my fiance saying we would have to change the location because we have to have food at our reception and every caterer is going to require a number of people. However, he is a very carefree person and just does not care about etiquette things. He says people that dont have a seat can just stand for the ceremony and get over it. He said if they are there to celebrate us, they wont mind standing for a short period. I think it is rude to invite people to a wedding and they get there and have no place to sit. Also, I am afraid of changing the location because I am afraid members of the church will get angry. Hiring a different caterer would not work because we live in a very small town( talking one traffic light here)b with no catering options, therefore we have to use businesses in larger cities, all of which require high numbers that the church will not fit. I am clueless as to what to do!

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

1. Have the wedding at the church, invite 100, seat 100, then have a reception with 100 people. Pay for the 175 minimum, but tell the caterer there will be 100.

or

2. Find a different place to hold the ceremony, one that will seat 175, invite 175, then have a reception with 175.

Do not invite 175 to a place that holds 100 and ask almost half of your guests to stand.

Maggie0829 · July 2013

Do you have to have 175 people or do you only have to pay the amount equal to 175 people? If it is the former then you need to find a new venue. If it is the latter then you need to talk to your caterer and see what all you can get (additional appetizers, an upgraded entree, etc) to meet the minimum cost.

ETA: So that means you can invite only 100 people but pay the amount equal to 175 people but have better entrees, etc. I hope that all made sense.

kmmssg · July 2013

Plenty of carefree people DO care about etiquette and how they treat others. Your FI isn't be carefree, he is being RUDE!!!

You either need to cut the guest list, which causes problems with the catering, or find a new church. Making your guests stand is not an option.

It doesn't sound like you guys are all on the same page here with the logistics. You and FI want his small church, but then mom goes off and finds a caterer that has a 175 person minimum. You all need to coordinate before you go off contracting venues and caterers.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

You could also do a ceremony with just immediate family and WP and then invite everyone to the reception. If you go this route, keep the ceremony VERY small. Otherwise change your venue. You're correct here - it's not ok to make people stand.

wittykitty14 · July 2013

Ditto Maggie's question-why 175? If they need 175, then that's a big issue, and you should switch. Even if you invite 300 people, you still might end up with more than 125 declines. I'd switch venues immediately if that was the case. If they only need a dollar amount, Maggie listed some good suggestions on how to work around that.

Like PPs have said, you need to find a different ceremony venue, or make it a private ceremony, with only immediate family present. Inviting 100 people to the ceremony but not the other 75 is a slap in the face to those 75. If you're going to have a small ceremony, it needs to be very small, like 20 people or less.

Definitely don't ask people to stand. Please tell your FI no, and stand your ground.

banana468 · July 2013

Your options are to reduce your guest list or find a new church.

There's also a good chance that your FI's plan is as illegal as it is rude. Having an extra 75 people in a place that holds only 100 is probably against fire code. You wouldn't even be allowed to tell them to just stand because they may not be able to get inside.

freebread03 · July 2013

Ignoring the fact that asking people to stand would be incredibly rude, I'm sure that the church has some type of maximum capacity as determined by the fire marshal, and it would probably be illegal to pack that many people into such a small church.

daveANDkristen · July 2013

What's the weather like when & where you're getting married? Does the church have a nice courtyard where you can get married and rent chairs?

SewInLoveWithDMB · July 2013

You will need to find a new location for your ceremony that can hold all of the guests you invite. The outside options are good, and you might even be able to hold the ceremony at your reception venue. You might need to think outside of the box, but you cannot have a ceremony location that will not hold all of your guests.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

How did you sign a contract with a caterer without knowing about their minimum charges? If you were planning on a wedding with 100 or less guests, do you even have 175 people that you'd like to be there? It seems kind of silly to use people as fillers otherwise. I'd make up your guest list and see how many people are on it -- figure out your venues and vendors based on that.

clharrison2 · July 2013

Thanks for the suggestions! My mom got the caterer after the fact we reserved the church and she just found the number required by the caterer after paying the deposit so I would hate for my moms money to go to waste. She told me she just assumed the church would be bigger because even smaller churches hold larger numbers than FI will hold. I know we should change our venue, FI thinks people will not care and I beg to differ. I am going to try a different approach when he gets home from work. If I bring up the fact that he does not understand etiquette and what a big deal it is, he will take that as in insult. I am just going to suggest a larger more neutral location that I found in our town. It is the same place we are having our reception and it holds over 300 people. I do not see why we can't just have our ceremony/reception at the same place. And the we can just invite the people he went to church with and tell the pastor we decided to move the ceremony to accompany a larger crowd. Hopefully, he will be open minded.

Maggie0829 · July 2013

clharrison2 said:

Thanks for the suggestions! My mom got the caterer after the fact we reserved the church and she just found the number required by the caterer after paying the deposit so I would hate for my moms money to go to waste. She told me she just assumed the church would be bigger because even smaller churches hold larger numbers than FI will hold. I know we should change our venue, FI thinks people will not care and I beg to differ. I am going to try a different approach when he gets home from work. If I bring up the fact that he does not understand etiquette and what a big deal it is, he will take that as in insult. I am just going to suggest a larger more neutral location that I found in our town. It is the same place we are having our reception and it holds over 300 people. I do not see why we can't just have our ceremony/reception at the same place. And the we can just invite the people he went to church with and tell the pastor we decided to move the ceremony to accompany a larger crowd. Hopefully, he will be open minded.

But this does not answer my question. I seriously doubt that your caterer requires 175 people to be at your wedding. What they probably require is that you pay the amoung equivalent to 175 guests. Which means that you can still have your wedding at the church that you want but you will just have to upgrade your food and have more appetizers (which is not a bad thing at all) to equal the cost of 175 guests. This way you aren't having to invite additional people that you really didn't want to invite just to fill in the guest count.

I would call up your caterer and find out if what I wrote out is the case, which it most likely is. I have never heard a caterer requiring that a minimum of 175 people must be in attendance.

clharrison2 · July 2013

Oh and I am from Alabama and my wedding is May 2014...weather is hot, humid, and at times unpredictable. Outside would not be a good option.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

I agree with Maggie. If it's within your budget to have 175, which it clearly must be, I'd talk to the caterer about just upgrading everything to cost what a 175-person wedding would be. You'd have a pretty kickass spread that way.

clharrison2 · July 2013

Okay I talked to my mom. We do not have to have 175 people. If it falls below that my mom just has to pay $150 fee (which she said she will do if she has to), but we can still have all the menu items we planned this far. I am still going to talk to FI though, because I just think the church is too small. I think once he realizes how easily a guest list can expand over the course of planning he will understand. I know it comes off that my FI is rude but he is not, he just thinks I am stressing over silly details and just thinks it will all go fine. He just does not understand the etiquette of things because he has never had to care about it until now.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

clharrison2 said:

Okay I talked to my mom. We do not have to have 175 people. If it falls below that my mom just has to pay $150 fee (which she said she will do if she has to), but we can still have all the menu items we planned this far. I am still going to talk to FI though, because I just think the church is too small. I think once he realizes how easily a guest list can expand over the course of planning he will understand. I know it comes off that my FI is rude but he is not, he just thinks I am stressing over silly details and just thinks it will all go fine. He just does not understand the etiquette of things because he has never had to care about it until now.

I would wait until you finalize your guest list to suggest moving the ceremony to your FI. If you only end up with 90 people, you're fine. If he was adamant enough about his church to make 75 people stand through your ceremony, I doubt he's going to want to move it unless you absolutely need to.

wittykitty14 · July 2013

clharrison2 said:

Okay I talked to my mom. We do not have to have 175 people. If it falls below that my mom just has to pay $150 fee (which she said she will do if she has to), but we can still have all the menu items we planned this far. I am still going to talk to FI though, because I just think the church is too small. I think once he realizes how easily a guest list can expand over the course of planning he will understand. I know it comes off that my FI is rude but he is not, he just thinks I am stressing over silly details and just thinks it will all go fine. He just does not understand the etiquette of things because he has never had to care about it until now.

Thanks for the update! I'm glad you can stick with that venue without any big issues there!

Unless you really cut your guest list, find a different ceremony venue. You know this, but your FI just doesn't think it's a big deal. I've been through things like this with my FI, and he doesn't always like it when I flat out say that what he wants to do is against etiquette. For situations like this, what really helps me great through to him (or anyone for that matter) is instead of saying it's rude or against etiquette, I say "I'm just not comfortable with that". It takes the focus away from feeling that something is right or wrong, and places the attention on the fact that you'd have to do something you're just not ok with. Taking that approach has worked well for me!

QueerFemme · July 2013

clharrison2 said:

Okay I talked to my mom. We do not have to have 175 people. If it falls below that my mom just has to pay $150 fee (which she said she will do if she has to), but we can still have all the menu items we planned this far. I am still going to talk to FI though, because I just think the church is too small. I think once he realizes how easily a guest list can expand over the course of planning he will understand. I know it comes off that my FI is rude but he is not, he just thinks I am stressing over silly details and just thinks it will all go fine. He just does not understand the etiquette of things because he has never had to care about it until now.

Your FI is being rude, whether you think he is rude or not, it IS rude to ask 75 people to stand up for anywhere from 15-45 minutes. Even a short ceremony would be 15-20 minutes, and guests typically arrive 15-30 minutes early.

Do this, when your FI gets home. Go put on a pretty dress, heels, hold your purse, or a small child, and go stand in your kitchen, in ONE spot, for 45 minutes. Tell him how quickly you become uncomfortable. My bet would be at the 10-15 minute mark. If you have a knee injury or any sort of back pain, probabably the 3-5 minute mark.

What he is asking IS rude.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Make an estimated guests list now. If it is over 100 people, you need to start looking for another ceremony space. If it is under 100, pay the $150 fee to the caterer and keep the church (which in the grand scheme of wedding planning, $150 is a drop in the bucket).

QueerFemme · July 2013

UberClaire said:

Make an estimated guests list now. If it is over 100 people, you need to start looking for another ceremony space. If it is under 100, pay the $150 fee to the caterer and keep the church (which in the grand scheme of wedding planning, $150 is a drop in the bucket).

I interpreted that as $150.00 per person.

Peledreamsofrain · July 2013

Some people can't stand in one spot for the period of time you are talking about. I know I can't due to a back injury. You can't tell by looking at me either. If you didn't have a seat for me, I'd go home.

aurianna · July 2013

snippet17 said:

Having 75+ extra people in that church could be an issue with the fire code for that many people. So not only is your FI being rude to the guest he could be asking for you to do something illegal. Either:
1. find a new location for the ceremony,
2. get a new caterer and do not invite more than 100 people, or
3. have a small ceremony with just wp, parents, siblings, grandparents. and SO.

This, exactly.
#3 isn't going to be as popular, but it's very feasible. Assuming you can not find a big enough church and assuming your mother will not leave her deposit on the table / the fee becomes a hardship, just invite immediate family and the wedding party to the ceremony. Keep the ceremony to 30 guests or less.

Tiered weddings (inviting some guests to part of the wedding but not the others) is usually rude, but if you get your ceremony down that small it's more like a private ceremony and etiquette tends to let those skate by.

aurianna · July 2013

looks like it's a double post kind of day. Yesterday everything was so well behaved.

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

As I said to my celebrant when he suggested only 'important' (WTF!) guests sit and everyone else stands (to create a relaxed atmosphere)

Every bum gets a seat. If they don't then you need more seats or less bums

loca4pook · July 2013

UberClaire said:

How did you sign a contract with a caterer without knowing about their minimum charges? If you were planning on a wedding with 100 or less guests, do you even have 175 people that you'd like to be there? It seems kind of silly to use people as fillers otherwise. I'd make up your guest list and see how many people are on it -- figure out your venues and vendors based on that.

1) Create a guest list NOW..as in ASAP....only THEN, should you make a decision on this...you might be totally fine on the CHURCH number and then have to re-consider the "catering" option..or vice versa..until you have a GUEST list, all of our suggestions aren't helpful.

2) evaluate whether the church is more important or the catering? Clearly, you might not be able to have both. Do YOU care about the catering as much as your husbands desire to get married in his church?? The reason I say this is your might be hi jacking something deeply personal to your fiance over FOOD. I think you two need to have a discussion

Redbride801 · July 2013

You are correct that its rude to invite people to a wedding when you cannot accommodate all the guests properly

The church we selected will not hold all of our guests.

Re: The church we selected will not hold all of our guests.

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