Advice on if we should invite friends to dancing only

nellerbeller · July 2013

My fiance and I met at boy scout camp and therefore have a lot of "camp" friends but that are not in our closest circles all year round. My FI is also the Director of the camp this summer and is impacting a lot of his staff member's lives. We are already inviting 220 people and expecting 180 to attend (large families and lots of friends) and we are young and paying for the wedding mostly on our own. We had previously discussed inviting some friends to the dancing only or ceremony/dancing (invite to come at 8pm after dinner) and had decided we felt it would be rude. However, I feel as if a lot of these camp friends are going to want to attend! Does anyone have any advice? We're getting married October 11, 2013. Thank you!

manateehugger · July 2013

nellerbeller said:

My fiance and I met at boy scout camp and therefore have a lot of "camp" friends but that are not in our closest circles all year round. My FI is also the Director of the camp this summer and is impacting a lot of his staff member's lives. We are already inviting 220 people and expecting 180 to attend (large families and lots of friends) and we are young and paying for the wedding mostly on our own. We had previously discussed inviting some friends to the dancing only or ceremony/dancing (invite to come at 8pm after dinner) and had decided we felt it would be rude. However, I feel as if a lot of these camp friends are going to want to attend! Does anyone have any advice? We're getting married October 11, 2013. Thank you!

1. ALWAYS plan for 100% attendance. 40 declines is a lot - of course it's possibe, but what if they show up? Do not plan/budget for more people than you can host.

2. You're right - it would be very very rude to invite people only for dancing. That's called a tiered reception, and it's a very poor etiquette move. You're basically saying "You're good enough to show up and maybe give a gift, but not good enough for us to feed!" Guest lists are guest lists - you have to make a cut somewhere. People understand this; I was in a sorority, but I'd never assume I would be invited to every sorority member's wedding. Just have the number you can afford for the ENTIRE wedding and leave it at that. You can always informally go out with your friends after the wedding.

nellerbeller · July 2013

1. We are budgeting for 100%, but we KNOW there are people who will not be attending.
2. Thanks for your input!

nellerbeller · July 2013

I wish everyone understood that you have to make cuts somewhere. An acquaintance/old room mate of my FI is talking to other scouting friends (even people whom he doesn't know very well) about how he doesn't think he's going to be invited and he's upset. He isn't on our list...we don't feel that close to him and we have closer friends we'd like to share the day with. We also feel that just because he's complaining behind our backs that we should not have to invite him. I wish all people were understanding of the trials of planning and paying for a wedding.

libby2483 · July 2013

Your instincts are correct. Inviting people to only the dance portion of the wedding is extremely rude. Don't let one complainer make you feel uneasy about your choice to set your guest list at a number you can afford to properly host. Most reasonable people understand that weddings are of varying budgets and sizes, and they can't be invited to the wedding of every casual friend or acquaintance.

nellerbeller · July 2013

Thank you!

nellerbeller · July 2013

Would it be appropriate to have an after-wedding (month(s) later maybe) celebration for the camp friends? I still felt this was a little strange, but my fiance wants to include them, since these people have known us as a camp couple for a long time. Plus, we can't afford to pay for two wedding receptions, even if one would be very informal and relaxed.

QueerFemme · July 2013

Go with your gut. Inviting people to the dance part only IS rude. You can certainly host a post-wedding bbq or something, but it shouldn't be wedding related.

KDM323 · July 2013

Have a party at another time to get together with the friends from camp that you don't see often.

Your gut reaction that a "tiered reception" would be rude is 100% correct.

libby2483 · July 2013

c1aud1a said:

Sometimes people get offended when they are invited to "dancing only"

My best friend had to do that because her venue only sat 70 for dinner.
When the after-dinner guests arrived she gave them all a gift for coming and on the gift's tag she wrote a personalized heartfelt message thanking them for coming to the FUN part of the wedding

Your best friend CHOSE to do that, and what she did was still rude. I would be offended if I was invited to only the dance of the wedding, even if I was given a consolation prize.

QueerFemme · July 2013

c1aud1a said:

Sometimes people get offended when they are invited to "dancing only"

My best friend had to do that because her venue only sat 70 for dinner.

When the after-dinner guests arrived she gave them all a gift for coming and on the gift's tag she wrote a personalized heartfelt message thanking them for coming to the FUN part of the wedding

your friends didn't HAVE to do that. She picked a venue that didn't accomodate enough people. That was a CHOICE. She didn't HAVE to be rude to her guests, but she chose to be anyway.

AddieCake · July 2013

So she thought a dinky gift and note indicating they were lucky to have missed everything else and just be there for the dancing made that ok? hahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha

Jen4948 · July 2013

Don't invite anyone just for dancing. That's "tiered hospitality" and it's rude.

To be honest, if you're really not close enough to the camp people that you would invite them to the ceremony, I'd leave them out altogether.

Redbride801 · July 2013

libby2483 said:

c1aud1a said:

Sometimes people get offended when they are invited to "dancing only"

My best friend had to do that because her venue only sat 70 for dinner.
When the after-dinner guests arrived she gave them all a gift for coming and on the gift's tag she wrote a personalized heartfelt message thanking them for coming to the FUN part of the wedding

Your best friend CHOSE to do that, and what she did was still rude. I would be offended if I was invited to only the dance of the wedding, even if I was given a consolation prize.

Let me guess...the gift was a shot glass with the couple's name and wedding date? Or something else personalized?

Advice on if we should invite friends to dancing only

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