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Wedding Etiquette Forum

My younger cousin *sigh*

NerdyLucyNerdyLucy member
100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
edited July 2013 in Wedding Etiquette Forum

This isn't really a question as much as I'm just sharing a breach of etiquette that occurred recently.


My first cousin, who is 19 (maybe 20 by now) just recently got married. She's quite young in my opinion, but it's not my business. 

A month or two ago, somebody threw a shower for her. I was invited, as was my mother. I attended, brought gifts, ate food, had a good time.

While chatting with my cousin, she mentioned that the wedding was originally set for September, and that they were currently getting their home ready (as both the bride and groom live with their parents).

A couple weeks later, my mom casually mentions in passing that my uncle (cousin's dad) said the wedding is being moved up. I guess they got their home ready, and it was "just sitting there waiting on them" (not my words), so they wanted to move the wedding up to June or July. I should mention that this is a very simple country wedding that is pretty common in this area. They don't always take a lot of planning, which is why it can be relatively easy to move the date on short notice.

Anyway, I thought to myself that the wedding must be very close, and so I wondered when I'd get an invitation, since, you know, you don't invite someone to the shower to get gifts from them, but not invite them to the wedding.

At a family reunion in June (cousin wasn't there), I overheard my uncle say that the wedding was the next weekend, or maybe the one after that. I'm not sure since I didn't hear him clearly.

I temporarily forgot about it, but then the next Sunday, I saw some photographs on Facebook of the wedding with a lot of family there, including my mother.

I wasn't angry, as I figured it was a big oversight, especially with moving the wedding up. Heck, maybe the invitation was lost in the mail. I admit that I was a bit annoyed though. My cousin is young, a little naive even, and probably a bit ignorant when it comes to such etiquette. I mentally gave her a pass because I almost think she doesn't know any better (assuming that this wasn't an oversight or lost invitation). Overall, she's a considerate person, very responsible, etc., so I don't hold a grudge over it.

 

 I later mentioned it to my mother, and her reply?

She said, "Oh, well, you WERE invited. Your name was on my invitation. I must've forgotten to tell you when and where it was!"

Oh, okay...

Thanks, mom.

Thanks, cousin. 

*facepalm*

 

Normally, I'm not someone to call and ask the bride and groom about invitations and the like, but in this case, if I would've called, this could've been cleared up and I would've gotten to attend.   Oh well. 

Officially hitched as of 10/25/13

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Re: My younger cousin *sigh*

  • Awwww!  I think I'd be even more annoyed with Mom than with naive cousin in this case!
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • You're far nicer than me. I would be pissed. Especially if I gave a gift at the shower. However, what's done is done. I'm sorry you didn't get to attend. 
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  • AddieL73 said:
    Awwww!  I think I'd be even more annoyed with Mom than with naive cousin in this case!


    I was a little, at first, but then again it's not her responsiblity.

    Mom is usually very on top of making sure I know about every little thing that goes on in the family, but this one escaped her somehow. 

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  • Yeah, your cousin messed up, but not nearly as bad as your mother. If I was angry about it,she's the one who I'd be mad at. Your cousin was wrong to send your invite to your parents house, but she's 19 and probably just didn't know any better (doesn't make it right, just saying).
  • This is why you should send an adult her own invitation to her own home.
  • You're far nicer than me. I would be pissed. Especially if I gave a gift at the shower. However, what's done is done. I'm sorry you didn't get to attend. 

    I told my FI that if it had been a friend that knew better, or someone that I felt was naturally gift-grabby (as certain other family members are), I might be more angry. 

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  • NerdyLucyNerdyLucy member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited July 2013

    I agree, @LMc0322 and @banana468.

     

    ETA:  @LMc0322 Mom almost always make sure I know about these things, as she'll tell me repeatedly trying to ensure that I come, but I don't know about this one.  My dad has been having a few health issues, and lots of doc appointments lately, so I blame this one on stress-related memory issues.

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  • I'd be so pissed at my mom.  This is the type of thing she would do too.  I'm sorry you didn't get to go!
  • RedJacks25RedJacks25 member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited July 2013
    FI's cousin got married about a year ago. FI is 32 and he has two brothers, 30 and 34 (who both have wives and kids of their own). All three of them were included on FI's mom's invitation, which was sent to her house. FMIL wasn't planning on going to the wedding so she forgot to tell any of her sons about it.

    THIS is why adults get their own invitations.
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  • You might want to drop a dime and let your cousin know there was an intra-family mix-up.

    Mom forgot to tell you about the invitation, you didn't think to ask, and that's why you weren't there. You are truly sorry because you love your cousin and want to support her new marriage. Maybe invite them to dinner at your house so they can tell you all about their day and show off their photos.

    Things happen. Water under the bridge. Move on with life.
  • LAM524LAM524 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Awww..what a shame. I'm sorry you missed it. What does your cousin think happened? Does she think you just didn't care to attend?

    tinkerbell gif photo: Tinkerbell stuck in keyhole animated gif Peterpan2_coince9e.gif
  • LAM2228 said:
    Awww..what a shame. I'm sorry you missed it. What does your cousin think happened? Does she think you just didn't care to attend?

    I haven't gotten to speak to her about it yet.  It was only a couple of days ago that I found out that Mom forgot to tell me, so I need to call her this week or something.  I don't know if she minded or not, but still, as @BarvLovesDave said, I should probably contact her and let her know what happened

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  • NerdyLucyNerdyLucy member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited July 2013
    So your mom went ahead and RSVPed No on your behalf? I get forgetting things, but she would need your answer on whether or not you were coming before filling out the RSVP, no?


    I have no idea, Stage.  I didn't even get that far.  I also technically don't know if FI's name was on the invitation either. I didn't even ask.

     

     

    ETA:  I'm back again.

     

    When mom and I had the very brief conversation about this, I didn't think to ask because the subject was changed back to a more serious matter (regarding family illnesses). Also, I was a bit thrown off by her, "Oopsie, I forgot" as well.

    I don't know how the RSVP thing down, but I can take a wild guess.  A lot of times,  with these super simple country weddings, people will call to RSVP instead of sending back cards IF cards are even provided at all.   If mom called to RSVP, and I hope she at least did that, I would venture to guess that she said she could come and I wasn't mentioned.  Either my cousin took that info, or she asked about me and Mom said she'll ask me later.   

    Where I grew up, people can be really lax about that stuff, which drives me a little nuts.  When I send out my invitations, I plan on sending RSVP cards with pre-stamped pre-addressed envelopes. A lot of people from my hometown don't do that (not that that's not an excuse not to RSVP).  At weddings like this, they don't worry about head-counts for food because a lot of the family and ladies from the church make a ton of it. 

     

     

     

     

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  • Did you at least get your own thank you card after the shower?
  •  
    Did you at least get your own thank you card after the shower?

    Actually, no!  I never did get a thank you card, and the shower was over a month ago.

    Dang it, guys.

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  • Like other PP's have said, I'd be super pissed at my mom, because it would make me look like a bad person. 

    I  can say that because I've had a similar thing happen.  Back like 7 years ago, when I'd been out of my parent's house like 3 or 4 years, my cousin had a baby shower.  They all knew I lived on my own, but chose to send a separate invite to my mothers house.  She opened it, and never bothered to tell me that I'd received it.  She attended the shower with all my other sisters and then told my cousin I wasn't coming because I didn't want to.  I was once really close to this cousin, and since the shower, she rarely speaks to me, even at family events. 

    I then became the "bad kid" of the family for not showing up to this and another family event where my mother pulled the same crap.   My mom pulled the same thing with my grandma's bday party a few months later.  I didn't even know I'd been invited to either event until a week later.  And considering what happened with the shower, I'd even called my mother to let her know I was available to go to anything that had been planned for my Grandma.  She had lied about it, when I'd asked (more than once) and then gave them the same story. My Aunt emailed me a week later both times asking why I had chosen "my life" over family. Tried explaining it to her, but I'm still the black sheep 7 years later.

    This same Aunt doesn't believe in children moving out on their own without being married/in a relationship, and refused to acknowledge that I was living on my own.  So any missed events were my fault.  It was nutty.  And yes, all of her kids that aren't married still live at home (which includes my 37 year old and 34 year old cousins(and his son)).  
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  • Like other PP's have said, I'd be super pissed at my mom, because it would make me look like a bad person. 

    I  can say that because I've had a similar thing happen.  Back like 7 years ago, when I'd been out of my parent's house like 3 or 4 years, my cousin had a baby shower.  They all knew I lived on my own, but chose to send a separate invite to my mothers house.  She opened it, and never bothered to tell me that I'd received it.  She attended the shower with all my other sisters and then told my cousin I wasn't coming because I didn't want to.  I was once really close to this cousin, and since the shower, she rarely speaks to me, even at family events. 

    I then became the "bad kid" of the family for not showing up to this and another family event where my mother pulled the same crap.   My mom pulled the same thing with my grandma's bday party a few months later.  I didn't even know I'd been invited to either event until a week later.  And considering what happened with the shower, I'd even called my mother to let her know I was available to go to anything that had been planned for my Grandma.  She had lied about it, when I'd asked (more than once) and then gave them the same story. My Aunt emailed me a week later both times asking why I had chosen "my life" over family. Tried explaining it to her, but I'm still the black sheep 7 years later.

    This same Aunt doesn't believe in children moving out on their own without being married/in a relationship, and refused to acknowledge that I was living on my own.  So any missed events were my fault.  It was nutty.  And yes, all of her kids that aren't married still live at home (which includes my 37 year old and 34 year old cousins(and his son)).  
    Oh gosh, that's just terrible. 

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  • WTF is wrong with your mother, @lyndsay782 ?
  • LMc0322

    If I had a $1 everytime someone asked that, my wedding would be a heck of a lot fancier... 

    ..And I'd be a lot better off if I knew how to answer it.  The best I can come up with is that while my mother loved me as you have to love a family member, she has never actually liked me.  Even as a kid, my mother never knew what to do with me. I wasn't bad, just smart.  And I didn't like sports.  Apparently wanting to do other things (like dance or acting) wasn't ok with her. 

    I've tried looking at things from "her perspective" and I still don't get it.  I never will.  I just know that my future kids won't ever feel that way. 
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