NER - WWYD?

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

My FI is from another city, an hours flight or an 8 hour drive from where we live. All of his guests will be from OOT, so we sent STD's as soon as we set a date so everyone would have plenty of time to save and book flights and accommodation, should they chose to come.

The problem is with his dad and his dad's family. We don't think they can afford to come. They are in a super bad place financially and even with 10 months notice we don't know if they can pull the money together to come. They may surprise us, but FI knows their situation and has said it is pretty dire.

Now, am I being a unreasonable for doing this: Offer to pay for FI's dad's flights and accommodation, but not his dad's partner and daughter? We would be really stretched just to pay for one person to come up, we can't afford to pay for all 3. Obviously all 3 would be invited. FI really wants his dad at the wedding (there is no mum, plus his dad has offered to look after FI's son for the day so he can attend) and I can't see another solution. I suppose we could offer to give them the amount the flights would cost to be put towards petrol, but it would be nearly triple for pertrol, so it would put them in the same situation of still having to pay for 2/3 of the travel costs.

WWYD?

KDM323 · July 2013

Why not offer to give them $X amount towards travel costs to help them get there.

Please don't tell them you will just cover Dad's ticket - that is incredibly rude.

harper0813 · July 2013

Agree with drexelkathy that you can offer him a specific amount of money for the three of them to travel to your wedding rather than just offering money for his dad. It would probably be hurtful to them if you singled him out as the important one.

AddieCake · July 2013

drexelkathy said:

Why not offer to give them $X amount towards travel costs to help them get there.

Please don't tell them you will just cover Dad's ticket - that is incredibly rude.

This.

itzMS · July 2013

Slightly off topic, but I totally enjoy how you call gasoline "petrol". Haven't heard that one in a long time!

Anyways, yes, it's rude to not include dad's SO, and the daughter if she's of an age where she can't stay by herself and they don't have options for sitters.

Personally, I would let your FI handle his own family. He can have a heart-to-heart with his Dad and make a better decision about how you two should contribute (if at all).

tiny speck · July 2013

It would be very rude to offer to pay for one person's travel expenses when he would be travelling with two others. I'm not sure what would be the best way to proceed, to be honest, but I don't think what you're proposing will be helpful at all.

ETA: Darn. I was slow typing out my response. See above for some good suggestions.

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

So FI should just say something like "Dad, we would like to help get you guys to the wedding. We can give you $xx towards your travel and accommodation" and let him sort the rest of it from there? If we only give enough for one person (which is all we can give, maybe a little more but not enough for another 2 people) then his dad can then make the decision to decline, only come by himself, or to try and cover the other 2 tickets?

Yep, sounds reasonable. I didn't mean for it to come across rude by only offering to pay for 1 person. That is just all we can afford.

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

StageManager14 said:

Yes, that is what you should do. It's not your responsibility to pay for all 3, but saying you'll just pay for Dad makes it seem as if you expect him to attend without his SO and kid, which is pretty rude.

Also, how is this not etiquette related?

I didn't think it was. I suppose since it is dealing with guests it probably is

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

Drexel's idea is the best. Just give X amount. If they determine that its best use is to get the dad there to see his own son get married, they'll use it for his ticket only.

Frankly, though, while there's no obligation to pay for them, I would work the costs of getting all three of them there into your total wedding budget and pay for them. I wouldn't dream of getting married without my or my FI's immediate family in attendance. Surely you can cut favors, alcohol, or something to make this happen?

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

NOLAbridealmost said:

Drexel's idea is the best. Just give X amount. If they determine that it's best use is to get the dad there to see his own son get married, they'll use it for his ticket only.
Frankly, though, while there's no obligation to pay for them, I would work the costs of getting all three of them there into your total wedding budget and pay for them. I wouldn't dream of getting married without my or my FI's immediate family in attendance. Surely you can cut favors, alcohol, or something to make this happen?

We are already on a tight budget with next to no extras. There is nothing to cut, I've looked at the budget for hours trying to because we are already over by $1000. I am also looking down the barrel of being unemployed next year which means living on savings until I get another job, and I have no idea how long that will take. I would love to be able to cover all 3 of them, but FI made the decision that he would rather cover one than none. If we can make it work (I have a job next year) then we will.

TheBaysideBride · July 2013

You can offer a monetary amount, but PPs are a little over the top in saying it's "rude" to cover one person's airfare. it's not rude, it's extremely generous. It's a shared pot of money, so having one ticket paid for is a relief.

daisey18 · July 2013

If your FI calls his dad, and explains that you can give him x amount towards travel costs, and if he chooses to come alone, that would be alright, I do not see that as rude. I am guessing here that when he calls his fathers house, he mainly talks to his father anyways..

If he wasn't an immediate family member, or if FI were going to have this conversation with Dad and his wife and daughter- yeah, that would be rude then. But he is your FI's DAD. He should be able to be honest about this w/o hurting his fathers feelings in any way. His wife is also a parent, so she will understand why he wants to go.

I just think if you send him a note with the explanation of, "This is to go towards the travel costs for all 3 of you", then they may feel even more pressured to scrape together the other two thirds of the cash so everyone can go, and I know you don't want them to be stressed about this.

Etiquette exists to keep us from hurting others unintentionally. Your FI's father knows his sons heart- so I don't see how he would be offended by a discreet and generous offer of help. Damn right that it's more important to FI that Dad come rather than miss out due to etiquette worries about offending Dad's wife. Dad IS much more important to FI than Dad's spouse- that is not a secret to Dad's wife.

loca4pook · July 2013

I would just offer to give them a dollar amount. That way you aren't "choosing"

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

Good point, @FloridaBride. I've driven 8+ hours many, many times and even if you need to fill up 4 times that's, what, 250.00 tops? You'd be hard pressed to find airfare cheaper. And they can all share one room.

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

And, OP, while we're at it I really can't believe that there is NOTHING to cut. Are you having a cake and punch/coffee reception at a non-meal time already? That would be basically the barebones for a reception. There is nothing---not food, not alcohol, not dancing, NOTHING--that I would prioritize over my or my FI's own father and immediate family being able to attend. If you truly are doing the barebones and can't afford it then I am sorry if I came off harsh. But on the list of priorities, having immediate family there should trump just about anything else assuming that those family members are welcome.

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

And, OP, while we're at it I really can't believe that there is NOTHING to cut. Are you having a cake and punch/coffee reception at a non-meal time already? That would be basically the barebones for a reception. There is nothing---not food, not alcohol, not dancing, NOTHING--that I would prioritize over my or my FI's own father and immediate family being able to attend. If you truly are doing the barebones and can't afford it then I am sorry if I came off harsh. But on the list of priorities, having immediate family there should trump just about anything else assuming that those family members are welcome.

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

Just a note - I don't live in the states and the price of petrol here is astronomical at the moment. 3 airfares would actually be cheaper than giving them petrol money, especially since we have an awesome budget airline (saved my butt during those LDR months). I've done the math on it. However the point remains the same that when push comes to shove the amount that we can contribute won't be able to cover all 3 airfares and a hotel room. It all adds up quickly!

Thanks for everyone for their advice and viewpoints so far!

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

NOLAbridealmost said:

And, OP, while we're at it I really can't believe that there is NOTHING to cut. Are you having a cake and punch/coffee reception at a non-meal time already? That would be basically the barebones for a reception. There is nothing---not food, not alcohol, not dancing, NOTHING--that I would prioritize over my or my FI's own father and immediate family being able to attend. If you truly are doing the barebones and can't afford it then I am sorry if I came off harsh. But on the list of priorities, having immediate family there should trump just about anything else assuming that those family members are welcome.

I'm having a nice wedding on a budget. At this point it would cost me more to eat the deposits/full payments and book something else. I think that's unreasonable and I don't think anyone would expect that of me. There is nothing extra that we haven't booked to cut. We have a venue (with food and bar already paid for), celebrant, photographer, my dress. FI is going to wear something he already owns, I'm wearing shoes I already have, we are being driven to the wedding by kind offering family members,etc. We had everything booked before we realised how bad his dads fiances were, so we didn't set aside money. Also, we didn't know that I am likely to lose my job at the end of this year, so that put a major spanner in the works as well.

You're obviously very close with your FI's family, and that's fine. My FI had to double check he had spelled his dad's partners name correctly, so he is just not that close to that part of his family. We will do what we can do help his dads family get to the wedding, but if we can only give a set amount we will do that.

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

This should be between Son and Dad. Son has enough money to buy one plane ticket. Son gets on the phone with Dad and explains. Son and Dad figure out what they will do and how that money will be spent.

"Dad, we are also on a tight budget. We have X to spare that we can give you to help with travel expenses. We are not telling anyone about our offer to you. This is between you, me and Fiancée..."

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

StageManager14 said:

NOLAbridealmost said:

And, OP, while we're at it I really can't believe that there is NOTHING to cut. Are you having a cake and punch/coffee reception at a non-meal time already? That would be basically the barebones for a reception. There is nothing---not food, not alcohol, not dancing, NOTHING--that I would prioritize over my or my FI's own father and immediate family being able to attend. If you truly are doing the barebones and can't afford it then I am sorry if I came off harsh. But on the list of priorities, having immediate family there should trump just about anything else assuming that those family members are welcome.

I'm having a nice wedding on a budget. At this point it would cost me more to eat the deposits/full payments and book something else. I think that's unreasonable and I don't think anyone would expect that of me. There is nothing extra that we haven't booked to cut. We have a venue (with food and bar already paid for), celebrant, photographer, my dress. FI is going to wear something he already owns, I'm wearing shoes I already have, we are being driven to the wedding by kind offering family members,etc. We had everything booked before we realised how bad his dads fiances were, so we didn't set aside money. Also, we didn't know that I am likely to lose my job at the end of this year, so that put a major spanner in the works as well.

You're obviously very close with your FI's family, and that's fine. My FI had to double check he had spelled his dad's partners name correctly, so he is just not that close to that part of his family. We will do what we can do help his dads family get to the wedding, but if we can only give a set amount we will do that.
I'm not trying to attack you or anything, because if your groom is okay with not having his dad there, then that's cool. But the fact is that it isn't that you CAN'T cut anything, it's that you are UNWILLING to. Which is fine, but I think that was Nola's point. Just understand that if FI's dad chooses not to come without his family, that's okay too and shouldn't be held against him.

I suppose you're right. We wouldn't touch the wedding budget anyway (we aren't the only contributors, my parents are helping), but even from our personal budget we can't afford to help much. We are both in low paying jobs in a high cost city. We can barely afford food some weeks. If we put some money aside, or use some of my holiday pay, we can afford to pay for his dad to come to the wedding. We just wanted to take some pressure off his dad so he can see his son get married.

coolwhipz1 · July 2013

Bubbles2014 said:

StageManager14 said:

NOLAbridealmost said:

And, OP, while we're at it I really can't believe that there is NOTHING to cut. Are you having a cake and punch/coffee reception at a non-meal time already? That would be basically the barebones for a reception. There is nothing---not food, not alcohol, not dancing, NOTHING--that I would prioritize over my or my FI's own father and immediate family being able to attend. If you truly are doing the barebones and can't afford it then I am sorry if I came off harsh. But on the list of priorities, having immediate family there should trump just about anything else assuming that those family members are welcome.

I'm having a nice wedding on a budget. At this point it would cost me more to eat the deposits/full payments and book something else. I think that's unreasonable and I don't think anyone would expect that of me. There is nothing extra that we haven't booked to cut. We have a venue (with food and bar already paid for), celebrant, photographer, my dress. FI is going to wear something he already owns, I'm wearing shoes I already have, we are being driven to the wedding by kind offering family members,etc. We had everything booked before we realised how bad his dads fiances were, so we didn't set aside money. Also, we didn't know that I am likely to lose my job at the end of this year, so that put a major spanner in the works as well.

You're obviously very close with your FI's family, and that's fine. My FI had to double check he had spelled his dad's partners name correctly, so he is just not that close to that part of his family. We will do what we can do help his dads family get to the wedding, but if we can only give a set amount we will do that.
I'm not trying to attack you or anything, because if your groom is okay with not having his dad there, then that's cool. But the fact is that it isn't that you CAN'T cut anything, it's that you are UNWILLING to. Which is fine, but I think that was Nola's point. Just understand that if FI's dad chooses not to come without his family, that's okay too and shouldn't be held against him.

I suppose you're right. We wouldn't touch the wedding budget anyway (we aren't the only contributors, my parents are helping), but even from our personal budget we can't afford to help much. We are both in low paying jobs in a high cost city. We can barely afford food some weeks. If we put some money aside, or use some of my holiday pay, we can afford to pay for his dad to come to the wedding. We just wanted to take some pressure off his dad so he can see his son get married.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, but if you can barely afford food some weeks you really shouldn't be having a wedding.

I would just give money to help with all costs of travel. don't specify that you can only pay for the dad.

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

coolwhipz1 said:

Bubbles2014 said:

StageManager14 said:

NOLAbridealmost said:

And, OP, while we're at it I really can't believe that there is NOTHING to cut. Are you having a cake and punch/coffee reception at a non-meal time already? That would be basically the barebones for a reception. There is nothing---not food, not alcohol, not dancing, NOTHING--that I would prioritize over my or my FI's own father and immediate family being able to attend. If you truly are doing the barebones and can't afford it then I am sorry if I came off harsh. But on the list of priorities, having immediate family there should trump just about anything else assuming that those family members are welcome.

I'm having a nice wedding on a budget. At this point it would cost me more to eat the deposits/full payments and book something else. I think that's unreasonable and I don't think anyone would expect that of me. There is nothing extra that we haven't booked to cut. We have a venue (with food and bar already paid for), celebrant, photographer, my dress. FI is going to wear something he already owns, I'm wearing shoes I already have, we are being driven to the wedding by kind offering family members,etc. We had everything booked before we realised how bad his dads fiances were, so we didn't set aside money. Also, we didn't know that I am likely to lose my job at the end of this year, so that put a major spanner in the works as well.

You're obviously very close with your FI's family, and that's fine. My FI had to double check he had spelled his dad's partners name correctly, so he is just not that close to that part of his family. We will do what we can do help his dads family get to the wedding, but if we can only give a set amount we will do that.
I'm not trying to attack you or anything, because if your groom is okay with not having his dad there, then that's cool. But the fact is that it isn't that you CAN'T cut anything, it's that you are UNWILLING to. Which is fine, but I think that was Nola's point. Just understand that if FI's dad chooses not to come without his family, that's okay too and shouldn't be held against him.

I suppose you're right. We wouldn't touch the wedding budget anyway (we aren't the only contributors, my parents are helping), but even from our personal budget we can't afford to help much. We are both in low paying jobs in a high cost city. We can barely afford food some weeks. If we put some money aside, or use some of my holiday pay, we can afford to pay for his dad to come to the wedding. We just wanted to take some pressure off his dad so he can see his son get married.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, but if you can barely afford food some weeks you really shouldn't be having a wedding.
I would just give money to help with all costs of travel. don't specify that you can only pay for the dad.

That really isn't for you to decide. As I mentioned my parents are helping out with the major stuff. We aren't destitute but it is a struggle some weeks.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I'll have FI talk to his dad and tell him we can give him some money towards travel. What he does after that is up to him.

coolwhipz1 · July 2013

Your the one who gave out that information, so your going to get opinions on that if you want them or not.

If you didn't want any comments on that you shouldn't have posted it!

daisey18 · July 2013

Bubbles, I'm sorry that people are trying to pick you apart over this.

I also didn't understand WHY so many posters didn't get that you are from the UK - no one uses the word "petrol" in the USA.

There tends to be a lot of arguing about how much things "really" cost in online debates too- it cracks me up, because I live in California, and it seems like people who live in parts of the USA with a much lower cost of living sometimes just do not believe how much we pay for everything here.

Last I heard, UK petrol was running around twice the price of CA gas- so that's at least $8 US a gallon.

I often skipped meals to save money for non-necessities when I was in my 20's. Bubbles didn't say she was starving her children or pets to have a wedding. No reason to pull the "you posted!" card on her.....

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