excuses...excuses...excuses

Re: excuses...excuses...excuses

• bethsmiles member

  

  July 2013

  LyndsayN said:

  This is all I hear from my boyfriend is excuses. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and 1/2 years we have lived together now for 2 years. Time is not the only factor is whether a couple should get married or not. My BF and I have been together for almost 5 years and while we want to get married there are MANY reasons we are waiting. I have been in all long term relationships and they all lasted a while however nothing ever seemed to work out I was cheated on so now with being in this long term relationship and us living together I feel like he is just comfortable with just living together. Have you talked to him about marriage? Not everyone wants to get married and that's okay but both people in a relationship need to be on the same page about where the relationship is going. I always feel like the same thing will happen i'm just the girl someone wants just doesn't want to marry. I know it's because of my past and I know I should move on but it's hard to do when it's all emotions. Have you tried talking to someone about this? These are your issues, not your BF's so you can't put them on him. I thought by now I met the right guy and thought he was different however he's just the same still no proposal and just full of excuses. Are they excuses or legitimate reasons that you want to ignore because you want to get married? I feel like this should not be how it goes me asking are you going to ever propose to me , do you want to marry me or what? You need to have a DISCUSSION with him. COMMUNICATE. Talk about where you'd like to be as couple and individually in a year, five years, ten years, etc. I feel like he is in no rush he doesn't care that all his friends are married, getting married or have kids. Um...he shouldn't be in a rush. Marriage is a big decision that no one should rush into. It's not a race, it doesn't matter what other people are doing in their relationships. Don't compare! My family has asked is he ever going to propose to you what's taking so long you both aren't getting any younger. How do you think that makes me feel? My family asks those questions all the time. It makes me feel annoyed because it's really none of their business. If they ask just change the subject. Both of his brothers have kids but aren't married I think he thinks that's okay it is okay - you don't have to be married to have kids but again it's something both people need to be on the same page about. Have a discussion with him about this. and since his parents never said Oh do you ever plan on getting married or proposing to your girlfriend. His family loves me his grandmother even made a statement of us getting married.  We have been through a lot with him losing his job to him getting a great job now his excuse is when he gets a raise we can go out that day and look at rings well he makes good money now and I know he hasn't even tried to save for a ring. Clearly, he doesn't think now is a good time financially, that's not an excuse it's a reason. I don't think that should be it I think it should have happened already no one is ever financially stable Yes, yes they are. and if you ask me people get married, buy a house, have kids Yup but it's not always the best decision. Some are responsible, some are not - just because they are all doing the same things doesn't mean they should. There is always going to be an expense, life is never easy. I think I am frustrated with not just him and his decisions but with myself I feel like I am not good enough for anyone. Again, I think you should talk to someone about this because your self-worth should not be dependent on whether or not your BF proposes. I feel like a failure I have a decent job I know what I want in life just don't know if I have the right guy I think about it all the time it's not about the ring I even said I'll propose to him but he laughed at me. I feel like we are both going to push each other away and i'll be back to square one which im fine with maybe im destined to be alone... so his excuses are pathetic and if he wanted to be with me or wanted to propose or wanted to marry me he would there wouldn't be ANY excuses! He is giving you reasons and you are stomping your foot like a child and calling them excuses. Have an adult discussion with him. Figure out what needs to happen before marriage and make a plan to make it happen. I am just an emotional wreck.
  

  
  

  
  

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• CLoGreenEyes member

  

  July 2013

  First, don't think about how long you have been together. Just don't. The number of years is not as important as how you have grown as a couple and the growth you anticipate together. Everybody runs at a different pace, and a single number should not make the difference between when it's right to get engaged.

  
  

  Talk to your BF about a timeline. Ask him when he sees himself getting married and what he wants to have accomplished by then. I am curious about what his reasons, or "excuses," are - you mentioned a raise, and I'm wondering what other things he might want to have in place. A lot of these things may be perfectly reasonable if you stop and think about it; some may not be necessary. You just need to talk about them to each other and reach a decision you are both comfortable with. If you want to get married, he should definitely be willing to talk to you about it honestly and work to arrive at a mutually agreeable timeframe, but that doesn't mean you will get engaged or married right away.

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• kl1987 member

  

  July 2013

  I agree with a lot of what was previously said. Are you sure you want this with this man? I get the time you've already put into it but, is this the person you want to be with you for the rest of your life? The father of the children? Is that what he wants? Personally if those two answers are a wholehearted no reservation yes then nothing should stop you. Pp was right in saying that people do figure out money and get that straight, but love is love and if it is true those things shouldn't effect what you guys have. Are there ups and downs in your relationship? How bad are they? How high are the highs how low are the lows? Every relationship has them, but some not in a healthy way. My boyfriend and I have never been in a full blown fight once. He has never been kicked out of the room or slept on the couch. We respect each other to much for that. He has never once said something disrespectful to me out of anger nor I to him. I don't always agree with him..trust me, but I've got his back no matter what. We have talked about money and kids and our future..what we want to do in retirement. He originally had a similar view about wanting to get there prior to marriage. I am of the viewpoint that when in a relationship you have the same goals waiting until they are accomplished for marriage doesn't make sense. We are both getting there and I can support him even better as his wife than his girlfriend and vice versa. I could see the need to wait between two people in extremely different stages of lives or something.
  If this is the man that you love, I understand why these seem like excuses. I personally would flat out ask him those questions. Does he really want to marry you? Does he want to have children with you? You don't need to be upset about the excuses; if they are not legit than youve let them get there. Be upfront about what you want. If you need to say "I'm prepared to stay in this relationship but these are things I need to make me feel secure" if you don't get them you need to decide, if you never get these things, will this relationship the way it is today (no rings) make you happy for the rest of your life? If the answer is no move on. I know it's hard, but just think of all the amazing guys who would love to marry you that cant because you are in a half fulfilling relationship going nowhere. Talks are hard. Not talking about the big stuff just makes it worse.

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• Swazzle member

  

  July 2013

  As PP have already said, you need to sit down and talk to your BF about all of this. 

  
  

  Honestly, it sounds like you just want to be married to someone. 

  
  
  

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• missjecka member

  

  July 2013 edited July 2013

  This is all I hear from my boyfriend is excuses.

  From the rest of your post, it doesn't seem like you've talked to him about any of what you're feeling without being passive-aggressive (for example, saying that you'll just propose to him, etc.). He may have his "excuses" because he doesn't like being talked to like he's being forced into something.

  I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and 1/2 years we have lived together now for 2 years. I have been in all long term relationships and they all lasted a while however nothing ever seemed to work out I was cheated on so now with being in this long term relationship and us living together I feel like he is just comfortable with just living together.

  Some folks marry someone after 6 months. Some marry after 2 years. I got engaged after nearly 10 years with my now-fiance. The point is that time is not what makes a couple get married - it's a gut feeling, and a mutual feeling at that. There's no magic number of months or years that say "now you must get married". Similarly, there's no checklist to what qualifies anyone for engagement. You can't just say, "Together for at least two years... check! Living together... check! Own a houseplant... check!" like you're passing a ready-to-marry qualification test.

  I always feel like the same thing will happen i'm just the girl someone wants just doesn't want to marry. I know it's because of my past and I know I should move on but it's hard to do when it's all emotions. I thought by now I met the right guy and thought he was different however he's just the same still no proposal and just full of excuses.

  Like another commentor already said, it sounds like you just want to marry someone... anyone... just for the sake of getting married.

  I feel like this should not be how it goes me asking are you going to ever propose to me , do you want to marry me or what?

  You watch too many romantic comedies and think everything should work out for you like it does in "21 Dresses" or "When Harry Met Sally". Do you think my love story would make a great movie? "Girl meets guy... they graduate college 5 years later... do long-distance for 2 years... live in a shitty city with one low income for the two of them while he goes to grad school... they move again... then finally, a decade after meeting, they get engaged." Doesn't sound like a movie... but who cares? I'm marrying someone I love. You should try having the same goal.

  I feel like he is in no rush he doesn't care that all his friends are married, getting married or have kids. My family has asked is he ever going to propose to you what's taking so long you both aren't getting any younger. How do you think that makes me feel? Both of his brothers have kids but aren't married I think he thinks that's okay and since his parents never said Oh do you ever plan on getting married or proposing to your girlfriend. His family loves me his grandmother even made a statement of us getting married.

  First, it's your relationship... not your parents'. My parents have been bothering me for YEARS about when my now-fiance and I are going to get married. Again, we've been together for nearly a decade before he proposed, so if you think it's irritating having family breathing down your back for a few months, think again. Secondly, as I asked before, have you even talked to him about any of this? You ask, "how do you think that makes me feel?" but... have you actually brought that up to him (though, in a non-accusational, maturemanner)?  

  We have been through a lot with him losing his job to him getting a great job now his excuse is when he gets a raise we can go out that day and look at rings well he makes good money now and I know he hasn't even tried to save for a ring. I don't think that should be it I think it should have happened already no one is ever financially stable and if you ask me people get married, buy a house, have kids. There is always going to be an expense, life is never easy.

  True... but would you rather have a ring on your finger or next month's rent? A ring isn't cheap. I know while my fiance was in grad school, I told him flat-out that I would be thoroughly pissed if he dropped money on a ring when we have rent and bills to worry about. Plus, a proposal is a proposal and, contrary to movies and TV and tradition, it does not necessarily have to be accompanied by a rock on your finger. I've had two friends and one family member who were proposed without a real ring. Two got a $10 stainless steel band from the mall, and one didn't have a ring at all until her wedding day. To me, it sounds like you just want the ring and the label of "fiance".

  I think I am frustrated with not just him and his decisions but with myself I feel like I am not good enough for anyone. I feel like a failure I have a decent job I know what I want in life just don't know if I have the right guy I think about it all the time it's not about the ring I even said I'll propose to him but he laughed at me.

  A) You are good enough for someone. Everyone deserves someone who gets them, makes them happy, and can see a future with. Your frustration is getting the best of you. Lots of great things come about in life when you least expect it. Don't drive yourself crazy.

  I feel like we are both going to push each other away and i'll be back to square one which im fine with maybe im destined to be alone... so his excuses are pathetic and if he wanted to be with me or wanted to propose or wanted to marry me he would there wouldn't be ANY excuses! I am just an emotional wreck.

  You say in your big post that you want to get married... but never once have you said how much you love him, or how much he says he loves you. You don't mention how happy you are in the relationship. You don't say a single solitary good thing about the guy! And, now, you go so far as to say that he's pathetic with his "excuses" (which in my mind are not excuses at all, but are actually genuine and very very level-headed and real). This really does show me further that you just want the title of "fiance", the rock on your finger, and your parents to get off your back... all while sacrificing your boyfriend's happiness and your financial stability and future... not love, which is what marriage is a symbol of.

  

  
  

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