My friend is dating my ex, should he be invited to the wedding?

Samela22 · July 2013

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OjitosVerdes · July 2013

I think the bigger issue is why your FI is uncomfortable with the presence of someone you hung out with for a matter of mere weeks, especially since you all socialize without issue frequently. Is he prone to jealousy?

OjitosVerdes · July 2013

PS - and yes - if you invite your friend, your ex needs to be invited as well.

kererie · July 2013

I can completely relate to your dilemma - my best friend from high school is my fiancés ex-girlfriend...well, except that my fiancé and my best friend are still friends and neither has a problem with each other.

Have you asked your FH why he is so uncomfortable with your ex being there?

From what you described it doesn't sound like it was anything serious - maybe your FH just has some reservations about bringing your past to you wedding.

Before you bring it up to your friend I would talk to your FH about it.

And another suggestion (that many people probably won't agree with) is to not invite "plus ones" to the wedding. That way if your friend asks just say we didn't do guests due to budget reasons...

Good luck

bakerie · July 2013

You must invite your friend's boyfriend. Your FI needs to get over it.

Samela22 · July 2013

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libby2483 · July 2013

I don't understand why your FI is so against having an ex that you only dated for a couple of months years ago at the wedding. Is he usually jealous of this person? I think you need to talk to your FI about why your ex being there bothers him. I think that your FI is making a big deal out of nothing, but I may be biased because one of my exes is one of my best guy friends, so he was obviously invited to the wedding.

BMoreBride6 · July 2013

Samela22 said:

Here's a little more information on my FI. He used to be very obese and still doesn't have the best self esteem. Hes kept the weight off for over 2 years but he still has negative feelings about himself sometimes. He definitely isn't jealous, I have many male friends and he has female friends. We have a lot of trust in our relationship. I think his issue with it is more that he doesn't want the past brought into our future even if if was a small part of my past. Also I think he's afraid of feeling awkward around him. But I also think we'll have so much going on at the wedding he'll hardly notice my ex there.

1. the fact that he was once obese/has low self esteem has absolutely no baring on the situation

2. your family and friends are all also a part of your past, should they also not be brought into your future

I understand where you're coming from, this this isn't an ex-husband or even a significant ex boyfriend, it's not right to exclude your friend's boyfriend because of this. Honestly, your FI probably won't spend more than a couple minutes at most around him in the first place

AddieCake · July 2013

YES. YES, you need to invite the person one of your invited guests is dating. WHY, people? WHY is this a daily question?

OjitosVerdes · July 2013

I'm sorry that he occasionally feels badly about himself, but I really do think he needs to deal with those feelings on his own (maybe with a counselor) and let this go, because the two really aren't related. (Unless this is a jealousy issue). I can understand not bringing the "past" into your wedding if there were a very volatile relationship with a hateful ex or something, but that isn't the case. And besides, isn't the very point of our invites to bring those people together who have been in the past and are currently important to us? It sounds like this guy is still an important part of your social circle. Completely omitting the past from your wedding is completely impossible, unless you elope on Mars.

All that said, the bottom line is that he's your friend's boyfriend and therefore must be invited. From the scenarios that Stage outlined, it sounds like he objects just based on principle and that he needs to get over it. I'm being somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but I have more romantic relationships with some of my best girlfriends than you had with that guy. He is hardly a "past".

Edited for typos.

Samela22 · July 2013

I will definitely have a talk with my FI soon about this. I knew before I posted this that I should invite him, I just really wanted to hear what other people thought too. Thanks for the advice everyone!

AddieCake · July 2013

You seem nice, OP. I'm sorry for being so cranky.

OjitosVerdes · July 2013

Best of luck to you!

aurianna · July 2013

Samela22 said:

Here's a little more information on my FI. He used to be very obese and still doesn't have the best self esteem. Hes kept the weight off for over 2 years but he still has negative feelings about himself sometimes. He definitely isn't jealous, I have many male friends and he has female friends. We have a lot of trust in our relationship. I think his issue with it is more that he doesn't want the past brought into our future even if if was a small part of my past. Also I think he's afraid of feeling awkward around him. But I also think we'll have so much going on at the wedding he'll hardly notice my ex there.

This should help his self-esteem: You dated this guy for like five minutes. You are MARRYING your fiance. If you thought this ex and what you had with him in ANY way compared, your relationship would not have ended so soon.

This is your friend's boyfriend. The way you feel about your FI and the way he feels about you... this could be the way your friend and her boyfriend feel about each other now or will in the future. Please don't separate them.

And another unintended consequence to not inviting him... what kind of message does that send to your friend? Aside from hurting her straight up by not letting her bring her most important person to an event that is supposed to celebrate love... it hast o make her wonder... "Does bride still have feelings for my boyfriend? Does bride think that my boyfriend still has feelings for her??" or "Does bride's future husband hate my boyfriend? Is this going to drive a wedge between us? Am I going to have to choose between bride and my boyfriend?" Please do not inflict that on your friend.

Sit down with hubby-to-be.
"Honey, I love you and I want you to be comfortable. But there is absolutely nothing between me and ex. There barely ever was. But there IS something between him and my friend. Not inviting him would hurt my friend. And hurting my friend would hurt me. Please do not make me hurt my friend over a person who has nothing at all to do with my relationship with you."

Something like that.

ETA:
Ah, glad that's the direction you're going. Good luck!

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

He must be invited. Your FI is being ridiculous. It's an ex-bf of mere months and he's WITH SOMEONE now.

Samela22 · July 2013

That's ok, I understand it must be frustrating to see basically the same post over and over. Lol

Samela22 · July 2013

I will!

My friend is dating my ex, should he be invited to the wedding?

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