Asking "permission" to get engaged--Updated w/ proposal and pics!

CrazyCatLady3 · July 2013

BF and I have had some discussions about engagement timing and I think it may be coming soon (the ring is ready). However he keeps asking me if he is supposed to ask my dad for "permission" to marry me. I told him numerous times not to, but he is insecure about it.

First, I am 33 yrs old and have been living independently since I finished college at 21. I am also pretty progressive and don't like the history behind the tradition (though I know some people do it now just as a sign of respect, and not to actually get permission). I have mentioned these things to BF numerous times but he just asked me again if I am sure. How do I get him to drop the idea?

UPDATE--so I discussed with my BF (now FI) and he said that he didn't necessarily want to ask my father but didn't want my father to be upset either. I told him I would give him my father's number if he wanted to call him, but that otherwise I would personally smooth anything over after the fact if he was upset (which I didn't think he would be).

Anyway...BF/FI proposed on Sat night! We went out to dinner to a very romantic, candle lit AAA 5 diamond restaurant in Tribeca (NYC), and then when we got home he brought me into the courtyard of our building and proposed there. Then he broke out a gorgeous arrangement of lavender long-stem roses and a bottle of Veuve Cliquot.

Here are ring pics. From the top it looks like a traditional 4 prong solitaire and from the side you can see a pave leaf pattern on the basket of the setting. Sorry it's a bit blurry.

bethsmiles · July 2013

Could you compromise and ask for both his and your mother and father's blessing after the proposal, maybe that would make him less insecure about it? That is mine and BF's plan. It seems less sexist since we will be having the same conversation with both parents and it's not about permission just about asking them to be happy for us mostly.

If that doesn't work, I think you need to sit down to talk about why it's important to you that he doesn't but you also need to hear out his concerns and why it may be important to him. Hopefully the two of you can agree on something that makes both of you happy.

Swazzle · July 2013

My H didn't ask for my mom's permission to propose to me but he did tell her that he bought my ring and planned to propose soon after. It was his way of keeping her in the loop. I didn't want him asking for anyone's permission seeing as we were both adults and it was our decision and nobody else's. Luckily, he felt the same way.

Other than telling him that you do not want him asking for anyone's permission and explaining why you feel this way, I'm not sure there is much else you can do. If you're not against it, maybe you can suggest he do like my H did and just let your dad know his intentions. Maybe that'll make him feel better about it all but without going against your wishes.

Peaseblossom55 · July 2013

May be instead of just getting permission he can let them know what is about to happen. Similar to Beth's idea.

FI went and spoke to my father. I don't think he got permission per se because I'm the same age as you OP and it would be weird. I think just to get my dad's blessing. FI is pretty traditional, I didn't tell him one way or another what to do. I'm sure my dad appreciated it though.

bethsmiles · July 2013

There is just one other thought I wanted to add: You and your BF will get married even if your dad said no, right? (Not in anyway saying he would - just speaking hypothetically.) So then what is the point of asking for permission, if you will do what you want no matter what?

BF had friends who did the whole asking for permission thing and her dad said no (they were really young and her family didn't really like him). He proposed anyway. Not only were her parents not happy but her dad felt super disrespected because his opinion had been asked and then just thrown aside. IMO, if you are going to follow tradition you shouldn't throw it aside because you don't get the answer you want - thus why I don't really like this whole tradition anyway and it caused BF's friends a lot of drama and bad feelings surrounding their engagement.

You might want to point out to your BF that it's not really asking for permission anyway if you are going to do what you want no matter what.

Jessica41381 · July 2013

My fiancé asked both my dad and my mom(divorced) and since the whole thing was a surprise I had no idea. But had he asked if it was something I was concerned about I probably would of said no as its not something concerned about. They would of been happy for me wether he asked permission or not as I was 30 at the time. I think the decision should be between the two of you, if someone was to say no would that really alter your decision to marry your fiancé?

CrazyCatLady3 · July 2013

Thanks for the input. I like the idea of just "letting him know" rather than asking anything per se. I don't think my BF personally feels strongly about doing it, he just doesn't want my parents to feel disrespected if they were expecting it. I will reassure him that my parents aren't too traditional in any event.

desertsun · July 2013

My H didn't ask permission. When we called my parents to tell them the news, I just said, "H asked me to marry him, and I said yes. We'd like to have your blessing."

Maybe your BF keeps asking b/c it's something that is important to HIM to do. Talk about that possibility with him.

But also talk to him about communication. He needs to be able to listen to you and respect how you feel about things, and you likewise need to learn to "read" him and know when to dig deeper so that you guys can truly communicate and RESOLVE things instead of having to re-hash them over and over and over.

bethsmiles · July 2013

desertsun said:

My H didn't ask permission. When we called my parents to tell them the news, I just said, "H asked me to marry him, and I said yes. We'd like to have your blessing."

Maybe your BF keeps asking b/c it's something that is important to HIM to do. Talk about that possibility with him.

But also talk to him about communication. He needs to be able to listen to you and respect how you feel about things, and you likewise need to learn to "read" him and know when to dig deeper so that you guys can truly communicate and RESOLVE things instead of having to re-hash them over and over and over.

I agree with this 100% especially the last part!

ETA: @desertsun - That love was from me BTW

cu97tiger · July 2013

It was important to me that my DH talk to my dad beforehand. Even though I was 36, there was just something about the tradition that meant a lot to me. I didn't detail any difference between asking for 'permission' or a 'blessing' and I think it was more of a conversation than any kind of asking for anything. I didn't know it happened, but afterwards I asked my DH and he said they'd had a nice talk about his intentions and how happy we were (are) together.

All that said, if you are uncomfortable with the blessing part, but your BF wants to show your dad he respects him, then I think he (BF) can just ask him (your dad) to chat at some point about your future together.

cbrown828 · July 2013

cu97tiger said:

It was important to me that my DH talk to my dad beforehand. Even though I was 36, there was just something about the tradition that meant a lot to me. I didn't detail any difference between asking for 'permission' or a 'blessing' and I think it was more of a conversation than any kind of asking for anything. I didn't know it happened, but afterwards I asked my DH and he said they'd had a nice talk about his intentions and how happy we were (are) together.

All that said, if you are uncomfortable with the blessing part, but your BF wants to show your dad he respects him, then I think he (BF) can just ask him (your dad) to chat at some point about your future together.

It wasn't important to me until my dad almost passed away a year and a half ago, and then I realized that since it was important to him to give his blessing or however he viewed it, it was important to me too. FI, Dad, and I all still know I am an independent adult who has accomplished a lot on my own. When we started looking at rings, I mentioned to FI (then BF) that it was important to my dad for them to talk before we got engaged, and that's exactly what happened. They talked on the phone for an hour and really got to know each other better, plus it made my dad's year. I say all that to say examine if this is a hill worth dying on for you. It wasn't for me. I agree with PP's that communicating with your FI is really important here.

Dreamergirl8812 · July 2013

cu97tiger said:

It was important to me that my DH talk to my dad beforehand. Even though I was 36, there was just something about the tradition that meant a lot to me. I didn't detail any difference between asking for 'permission' or a 'blessing' and I think it was more of a conversation than any kind of asking for anything. I didn't know it happened, but afterwards I asked my DH and he said they'd had a nice talk about his intentions and how happy we were (are) together.

All that said, if you are uncomfortable with the blessing part, but your BF wants to show your dad he respects him, then I think he (BF) can just ask him (your dad) to chat at some point about your future together.

It was important to me that my FI call my dad first. It was important to me because I have always known that it is important to my dad. I don't know how he worded it, and he still would have asked if he had said no. I'm 30 and we've been together for 6 1/2 years. But I think it's a sign of respect. My dad won't be giving me away, but he will walk me down the aisle. The most important man in my life used to be my dad, and now it's FH. I want my dad to be part of that transition.

OP, your FI probably wants to be asked by his future son in law some day. So it may be important to him. Just let him decide. He's not forcing you to do anything, so don't force him not to.

kelley198721 · July 2013

It does seem like it is important to your FI so I would try to reach a compromise there. Maybe talk to your parents together as PPs have suggested.

I told my BF that I would like him to ask my dad for his blessing before he proposes. It's something I've always wanted and my dad has always expected it. If he didn't, my dad would be very disappointed. But I made it clear to BF that he was only asking for his blessing, not permission. To me, they are two different things. BF was initially reluctant because his thoughts were something like "But this is 2013, do I really have to?" But he's doing it because he knows it's important to me and my dad so he has come around on that issue, thank goodness.

Just talk to your FI and try to work out a solution that you are both happy with. Good luck.

kl1987 · July 2013

My parents are divorced and while my dad is around my mom has been my main parent. I knew that it meant a lot to her that my boyfriend asked. It wasn't anything formal I think he said something like "I hope you guys like me enough, I absolutely love your daughter and her son and was wondering if there would be a time we could go ring shopping?". He just sent it via text. I know he talked to his parents About wanting to too. I don't know that I'd say he asked for their blessing so much as kept them privy to the fact that the time had come and he was looking to propose marriage. It depends on the family how close they are I guess...