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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Feel Awkward...

Sorry so long! Ok so here's some background... I got married in October, 2011, had a big wedding in which all of my family and friends came to. Long story short, my ex completely changed literally the day after we got married. I found out from our pre-marital counselor, (who was also his psychologist and ended up counseling us after we were married) that he had a personality disorder and the stress of getting married triggered a change in him. He was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. At the same time I became very ill (completely unrelated but my situation only made it worse). Because of his mental illness which he did not disclose before we married we could have had an annulment but the day before we were to go to court he hired a lawyer and I had to deal with a year long divorce. We were married for about 5 months.

About 3 months later I met my now fiancé (most amazing man ever). Because of financial reasons, stress, and him being in school we have decided to elope early August, go on our honeymoon and then have an "after party"/reception of sorts with all of our family and friends to celebrate our marriage and for both families to meet. I would love for my family (aunts, uncles, cousins) to be there but I guess I feel sort of awkward because I got married just a few years ago and had this huge wedding and my marriage only lasted 5 months. I don't want anyone to think that we are having a reception to be gift grabby, if anyone asks I would tell them or have my mom tell them we would just appreciate their company. Is this ok to do? To get married just the two of us, have our honeymoon and then a reception? Its just something low-key in a state park nearby, we will have horderves, lots of cupcakes with interesting different flavors, tea, lemonade, and water. 

Re: Feel Awkward...

  • Married 5 months before I left*
  • laurenali said:
    Sorry so long! Ok so here's some background... I got married in October, 2011, had a big wedding in which all of my family and friends came to. Long story short, my ex completely changed literally the day after we got married. I found out from our pre-marital counselor, (who was also his psychologist and ended up counseling us after we were married) that he had a personality disorder and the stress of getting married triggered a change in him. He was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. At the same time I became very ill (completely unrelated but my situation only made it worse). Because of his mental illness which he did not disclose before we married we could have had an annulment but the day before we were to go to court he hired a lawyer and I had to deal with a year long divorce. We were married for about 5 months.

    About 3 months later I met my now fiancé (most amazing man ever). Because of financial reasons, stress, and him being in school we have decided to elope early August, go on our honeymoon and then have an "after party"/reception of sorts with all of our family and friends to celebrate our marriage and for both families to meet. I would love for my family (aunts, uncles, cousins) to be there but I guess I feel sort of awkward because I got married just a few years ago and had this huge wedding and my marriage only lasted 5 months. I don't want anyone to think that we are having a reception to be gift grabby, if anyone asks I would tell them or have my mom tell them we would just appreciate their company. Is this ok to do? To get married just the two of us, have our honeymoon and then a reception? Its just something low-key in a state park nearby, we will have horderves, lots of cupcakes with interesting different flavors, tea, lemonade, and water. 


    You can certainly have a party to celebrate your marriage.  It sounds like you're looking for something relatively low key/casual.  As long as you don't do anything "wedding-y" at the party (don't wear your wedding dress, have a first dance, have a second ceremony etc.), I think it's perfectly fine.

    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • Definitely not doing anything wedding-y. The only thing even close that I've considered is that I would like to purchase a nice dress to wear, something right above the knee and simple neckline. I've thought about a pale blue, champagne, something subtle. Would it be bad if I happened to find an ivory dress I like? Not anything satin-y. Something that wouldn't look like a wedding dress out of context but could possibly be found as a casual wedding dress. I want to wear it when we elope and then also to the party. I think it would fit with my theme with vintage little decorations like mason jars with baby's breath and burlap under cupcakes.
  • I think a casual get-together would be just fine. Omit the traditions of first dances, tosses, cake cutting, etc. No ceremony. No need to mention not wanting gifts - people that really want to get you something will give you a gift either way. Just put it out of your mind. And if they ask, it's perfectly acceptable to tell them that you'd like to forego any gifts. I would refrain from calling it a reception, however. Maybe just a "party", a "barbecue" or a "get together". Reception or celebration sounds a bit like gift-fishing or a PPD ("pretty princess day", which it sounds like you're not after!).

    Congratulations on your upcoming elopement!
  • Thanks! So excited :)
    We are inviting all of our family and a lot of friends, about 65 family members and 115 people total. We are sending out invitations that will look very summery/casual and asking for rsvp's. I'm going to be getting all the food and cupcakes made and ready so definitely want to have some idea of how many people are coming. How should I phrase the invitation? I've thought:

    "Please join bride and husband as they celebrate their recent marriage"
    "Please join us in celebrating our marriage"
    "bride and husband tied the knot, come celebrate with us"
    "bride and husband had a private ceremony on August ___, please join us for horderves and dessert"

    No idea...
  • @zobird I dont want to use the word "reception" but I really like the word "celebrate" because I feel that is what we are wanting everyone to get together and do. Just not all music, cake, dancing, etc...
  • laurenali said:

    @zobird I dont want to use the word "reception" but I really like the word "celebrate" because I feel that is what we are wanting everyone to get together and do. Just not all music, cake, dancing, etc...

    Oh I definitely agree that "celebrate" as a verb would be fine. That being said, I prefer your last wording option. It puts an emphasis on it not being a re-enactment.
  • Thank you, I knew I wasn't spelling it correctly @kindasparkly.
    Ok thanks y'all I'm feeling better about it now!
  • zobird said:
    @zobird I dont want to use the word "reception" but I really like the word "celebrate" because I feel that is what we are wanting everyone to get together and do. Just not all music, cake, dancing, etc...
    Oh I definitely agree that "celebrate" as a verb would be fine. That being said, I prefer your last wording option. It puts an emphasis on it not being a re-enactment.
    I agree.  Maybe "Bride and Husband were married in a private ceremony on ____, please join them in celebrating their marriage on ____"

    It uses the word "celebrate" while also emphasizing that you're not doing a re-enactment.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • @scribe95 If I'm understanding OP correctly, she's concerned with having everyone come out, sit through yet another ceremony, yet another formal reception, when she'd just recently done that for a marriage that only lasted 5 months. I think she wants a super-casual party mainly for their families to meet each other without involving everyone in the ceremony part (she wants it to be more of a gathering of families than all about her and her FI). I could be reading that wrong, though.
  • I think your idea of a lowkey get-together to celebrate with loved ones is lovely.  All the best with the elopement and your party.

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  • rajahmdrajahmd member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited August 2013
  • I like KindaSparkly's wording. I would not side eye a cute ivory dress (or any color). Congrats!
  • This sounds lovely, bless your heart for doing what you needed to do for your health and finding someone who deserves you.

    Exactly what people have advised, this sounds totally above-board and casual. Just like it should be.
  • Thanks everyone for your advice. We had discussed having a small ceremony with immediate family and then the reception but he is very close with most of his family which adds up to a lot of people. In the end we decided we want it to be just us, go get married at a really old tree nearby and celebrate with everyone later. This also makes it easier for me to DIY everything at the party (which I enjoy and for financial reasons). It would be too stressful for me make food and do everything right before I got married.
  • SecBkaSecBka member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    Had the same thing happen to me!! Married in June 2011 and divorced jan 2012 I have known my now OH for years (coworkers) my family litterly refuses to acknowledge him. They even have went as far as buying me bibles with highlighted verses in it. (My father flipped and explained how proud he was I stood up and left before I got kids involved- I left but I was not the one who went outside the marriage several times) so now my OH wants a wedding and my family won't be there when my stepmother made a comment that has stuck with me - if I'm happy and I want to share with family and friends- do so. Forget everyone's negativity and remember no matter what your celebrating that you found the one for you. Your showing everyone how strong you really are. So now- I'm having my wedding April 2014- all family invited- I was even sure to attach the bible verses they so thoughtfully picked out:) do it for you remember- you know it's not for gifts it's simply to share excitement over your marriage! Sorry so long and congrats!!!!!!!
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