Why do I feel so guilty?

Sharpschruter22 · July 2013

We got married 2 months ago. It was the day of my dreams in every way. Every single guest had to travel a minimum of 7 hours to get to our wedding and we had 80 people come. I did my very best to minimize costs for my bridesmaids and chose inexpensive dresses, paid for their hair/ makeup and arranged accomodations to be split so it was very inexpensive for everyone. They knew what they would be spending by choosing to be in the bridal party and they had a year and four months to save. ive been in weddings where it has cost twice what my girls had to pay for expenses.

One of my bridesmaids got engaged 2 days after my wedding and is getting married in a week. I found out about it a month ago. She is having a small wedding where they live...a potluck..ugh, then having a big reception in September in their hometown. I'm unemployed and my unemployment runs out next week. I cannot afford to make the trip 8 hours away, rent a car, pay for hotel, etc. she said she understands, but I heard that she told one of my other bridesmaids that its not fair that she was in my wedding and won't come to hers. If there was anyway I could be there, I would be. I told her we will come to her reception in September since I will hopefully have a job by then.

I feel so guilty that I can't be there and it's eating at me. Would you be able to understand my predicament without getting pissy about it?

kipnus · July 2013

That's pretty short notice. You have no reason to feel guilty about not being able to afford to attend her wedding.

tiny speck · July 2013

I agree. That is really short notice. I would probably feel pretty guilty too if I found myself in this situation, but if you can't afford it, you shouldn't over stretch yourself.

crunchymamaof2 · July 2013

Weddings aren't tit for tat. You had a month's notice and no job. I'd def. feel guilty but don't let her make you feel worse. You've done nothing wrong. I hope the job situation works out!

AddieCake · July 2013

I would absolutely understand. Having only one income can be rough, and you have to think of your bills and expenses first before worrying about having the funds to be in a wedding on a month's notice. She's being thoughtless by thinking you're some kind of bad friend. I think a lot of people have never been in a paycheck to paycheck, no pennies to spare situation, so they don't understand not having extra money lying around for things.

libby2483 · July 2013

You don't need to feel guilty. If one of my best friends had been unable to attend my wedding due to financial reasons, I would have been disappointed she wasn't there, but I would have understood.

Also, I hardcore judge potluck weddings. Unless it was for a very close friend or family member, I would decline an invitation to a potluck wedding. I'm not saying that I would automatically refuse to attend a potluck wedding, but if it isn't someone I was really very close to, I'm not going to go out of my way to make deviled eggs because they aren't hosting properly.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

It sounds like you would attend the wedding if you could. I'm really sorry your financial situation is putting you in this tough spot. Your friend wasn't engaged until after your wedding and is planning on a very short timeframe. Even for the employed person that might be hard to budget, not to mention getting time off from work.

She probably just really wants you there and her disappointment is manifesting itself in immature junk talking to your other friends. I'm really sorry about that. I hope she grows up.

BMoreBride6 · July 2013

One of my friends was in a wedding and couldn't afford to travel for the expensive bachelorette. 3 of the other bridesmaids ganged up on her, made her feel like she was being a horrible person, and didn't get why she wouldn't just ask her parents for the money (all of these people were grown adults). Yep...

wittykitty14 · July 2013

AddieL73 said:

I would absolutely understand. Having only one income can be rough, and you have to think of your bills and expenses first before worrying about having the funds to be in a wedding on a month's notice. She's being thoughtless by thinking you're some kind of bad friend. I think a lot of people have never been in a paycheck to paycheck, no pennies to spare situation, so they don't understand not having extra money lying around for things.

This. Living paycheck to paycheck is HARD, but not always impossible if you make wise choices. A lot of people just do not get what it's like, and assume people can just take a day off work/go on a trip/spend xyz whenever they want. I hate it when people just don't get it, and make it seem like you're the bad guy for it.

I'm sorry your friend went behind your back and is giving you crap for it. Hopefully she'll have the guts to say it to your face so that you have a chance to explain your situation more to her. I'd be upset that I couldn't go, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. A good friend should understand that.

ashleyep · July 2013

libby2483 said:

You don't need to feel guilty. If one of my best friends had been unable to attend my wedding due to financial reasons, I would have been disappointed she wasn't there, but I would have understood.

Also, I hardcore judge potluck weddings. Unless it was for a very close friend or family member, I would decline an invitation to a potluck wedding. I'm not saying that I would automatically refuse to attend a potluck wedding, but if it isn't someone I was really very close to, I'm not going to go out of my way to make deviled eggs because they aren't hosting properly.

@libby2483 Not a potluck wedding, but a coworker was telling me this story. There's a wedding she's invited to and she and her husband just got an invite to a potluck bbq party to celebrate with the couple. This is happening before the wedding, not a shower, not a bach party, just a random other party. The host (the bride's parents) requested that guests coordinate with her about which side to bring and that they bring their own meat to grill. But they would provide the beverages and the tent, tables, chairs, silverware, etc. The invitation actually mentioned they would be providing tables and chairs.

Oh and it also said please no gifts, but you're welcome to bring a card to contribute to the honeymoon fund. And not that it necessarily matters, but I think she said the parents are loaded too.

She's declining that one.

And on the topic of potluck weddings - I don't necessarily have a problem with it if you're keeping everything small and low budget and only asking good friends and family to make food. If you're spending lots of money on a dress or photographer or honeymoon or a second reception months later, I'd judge hardcore.

AnitaH08 · July 2013

Sharpschruter22 said:

We got married 2 months ago. It was the day of my dreams in every way. Every single guest had to travel a minimum of 7 hours to get to our wedding and we had 80 people come. I did my very best to minimize costs for my bridesmaids and chose inexpensive dresses, paid for their hair/ makeup and arranged accomodations to be split so it was very inexpensive for everyone. They knew what they would be spending by choosing to be in the bridal party and they had a year and four months to save. ive been in weddings where it has cost twice what my girls had to pay for expenses. One of my bridesmaids got engaged 2 days after my wedding and is getting married in a week. I found out about it a month ago. She is having a small wedding where they live...a potluck..ugh, then having a big reception in September in their hometown. I'm unemployed and my unemployment runs out next week. I cannot afford to make the trip 8 hours away, rent a car, pay for hotel, etc. she said she understands, but I heard that she told one of my other bridesmaids that its not fair that she was in my wedding and won't come to hers. If there was anyway I could be there, I would be. I told her we will come to her reception in September since I will hopefully have a job by then. I feel so guilty that I can't be there and it's eating at me. Would you be able to understand my predicament without getting pissy about it?

Honestly, this would make me question how good of a friend she really is. She doesn't seem to understand that it's more of a can't come situation than a won't come situation. I get why she'd be disappointed, but there are things more important in life like having enough money to survive.

Sharpschruter22 · July 2013

Thanks ladies. You all helped me feel better. I don't know how I could explain my plight anymore to her. We just had an expensive wedding and I had to move to be with my husband in a different city after we were married. If I had more than a months notice I could probably go.

allispain · July 2013

I too can understand why you're feeling guilty, but she shouldn't be making you feel bad or complaining about it to friends. That's just rude.

I had a semi-similar situation, in which I had to miss one of my closest friends' wedding (which was yesterday) due to work which was taking me out of the country. I knew about it months in advance and so did she. I know she was disappointed that I couldn't be there, and I definitely felt guilty about it - she was my BM less than a month ago! Yesterday morning, I recorded a short video wishing her a wonderful wedding day and sent it to her e-mail, so that she would see it when she got up in the morning. It was my way of "being there" for her and of celebrating with her, even though I couldn't be there in person. She was thrilled and sent me an e-mail in response saying how it had made her day to hear from me on her wedding day and know I was thinking of her.

Is there any way you could do something similar?

MoxieMickie · July 2013

Why do I feel so guilty?

Re: Why do I feel so guilty?

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