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I'm back

CrazyCatLady3CrazyCatLady3 member
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in Catholic Weddings

Hi ladies,

I am officially engaged now so am starting wedding planning.  Just to remind you of my background, I am baptized and confirmed Protestant, and my FI is baptized and confirmed Catholic (he also went to Catholic school K-12!)  However he is no longer practicing, and never goes to church, not even for Christmas or Easter.  I don't feel a particular affinity for any one sect of Christianity and was thinking of having a Unitarian minister marry us.  But of course I wanted to make sure my FI is okay with having a non-church wedding so I asked him.  He said he wasn't sure.  So, just so I know the background, if he decided he really wanted to have a church wedding, what would have to happen?

 

1)  Would he have to officially join a parish and start going regularly?  Would a priest be checking records to make sure he is going regularly before he would allow a catholic wedding?

2) I know I wouldn't have to convert, but would have to agree to raise children catholic.  If we are unsure whether we want to have children, is that a deal breaker to get married in the church?  I.e. the only way we could do it is if we didn't tell the priest we are unsure about having children?

Anything else I need to know?

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Re: I'm back

  • monkeysipmonkeysip member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Welcome back and congrats on the official engagement!

    1.  It really depends on the church.  Some parishes will marry you without being a member or long-time parishioner.  Others want to see that you've been a parishioner for a while.  But if he really wants a church wedding, he should be going to mass anyway (I'm not saying he MUST become a member of any particular parish, but you can't practice the faith without going to mass).

    2.  You make a vow to be open to children in a Catholic wedding.  So, yes, planning to never have children would be an impediment to getting married.  Please be honest with the priest.  If you can't make these promises, then don't.  Don't make it into a sham.

    I just really hope if he chooses this option, that it's because he wants to practice his faith again.  Don't just choose it because of family pressure, culture, or anything like that.  



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  • CrazyCatLady3CrazyCatLady3 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer

    Thanks for the info.  Beautiful wedding pic!

    I suspect that FI is probably more concerned about what his family thinks and cultural traditions because he hasn't really expressed any desire to start becoming active in any church.  Maybe we could meet with a priest, and then if his family asks we could say we met with a priest and after an honest discussion he didn't recommend a catholic wedding at this time.

     

    Q about the children issue: do couples who plan to have kids but also intend to use birth control (not NFP) to space/limit considered to be lying to the church when they say they will lovingly accept children?  This is not for me, but I know several couples who have catholic weddings and use BC and never intended to stop using it.

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  • professorscienceprofessorscience member
    5000 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    CrazyCatLady3 said:

    Q about the children issue: do couples who plan to have kids but also intend to use birth control (not NFP) to space/limit considered to be lying to the church when they say they will lovingly accept children?  This is not for me, but I know several couples who have catholic weddings and use BC and never intended to stop using it.

    Technically, yes.  Using artificial contraceptives circumvents the body's natural function, which essentially takes God out of the equation.  It is closed to life, not open to it.  And sadly, it is probably one of the least-taught (or least-understood) parts of the Catholic faith.  The prominence of birth control makes it easy to say, "What on Earth could be the harm in this?  We're still going to have as many kids as is feasible, but this makes spacing them soooo much easier!"  Many Catholics don't realize it's considered sinful anymore.

    (aside: even in all my "postpartum care" readings, there were constant reminders to get on birth control ASAP... sigh)

    I just wanted to add that it's not a deal breaker to be unsure if you want kids.  Unsure is not unwilling to lovingly accept children from God.  As @monkeysip said, just be honest with the priest if you choose to go the Catholic ceremony route.
    Anniversary

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  • agapecarrieagapecarrie member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 100 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I recommend "Good news about sex and marriage" and "Theology of the Body for Beginners" by Christopher West 
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  • lalaith50lalaith50 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    to try and answer #1, in all honesty it depends on the parish. If his parents are church-attending Catholics, then you might be able to easily just get married at their church.

    But I'm also going to go and say it's pretty hypocritical to get married in a Catholic Church when you (or he) basically doesn't believe in it. And offensive to those of us who take it seriously.
    Anniversary
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  • CrazyCatLady3CrazyCatLady3 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2013
    lalaith50 said:
    to try and answer #1, in all honesty it depends on the parish. If his parents are church-attending Catholics, then you might be able to easily just get married at their church.

    But I'm also going to go and say it's pretty hypocritical to get married in a Catholic Church when you (or he) basically doesn't believe in it. And offensive to those of us who take it seriously.

    Right, this is why I pretty much assumed we wouldn't do it.  But I didn't want to just steamroll over FI and take it as a complete given without discussing it with him and potentially investigating if that's what he wants to do.  Plus I am definitely not interested in just using a church as a pretty backdrop--it's a lot easier from a planning a logistics perspective to have our ceremony and reception all in one place.
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  • CrazyCatLady3CrazyCatLady3 member
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    Thanks @TXKristan !
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  • chelseamb11chelseamb11 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    Congrats on the engagement! I think your mind and heart are in a WONDERFUL place right now.  You're being respectful not only of your FI's feelings but also of the Catholic faith.  So many people want the Catholic wedding without the Catholic marriage.  It's more than just the wedding day.

    I think meeting with the priest would be an awesome start.  I would try and choose a "non-biased" priest if you can (i.e. not the one at the church his parents go to or one that knows him).  I could see a priest in that situation trying to encourage a Catholic wedding even if it isn't the best idea.

    RE: Children
    If you DO decide to go the Catholic wedding route, obviously birth control would be off the table.  I would recommend picking up a copy of Taking Charge of your Fertility or taking an NFP class.  NFP is just as effective as birth control but without all of the artificial hormones.  Heck I recommend it anyway if you aren't doing a Catholic wedding.
     
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