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Walk down the aisle alone?

brianna727brianna727 member
First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
in Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions
I am not yet engaged but have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years (since high school) and am pretty sure that I will be pretty soon. I am so excited about that, but I am also afraid even thinking about a wedding because of family issues, specifically with my father. My parents are recently divorced, and my father has never been a good parent to me. He is extremely narcissistic, self-centered, and emotionally abusive. I do not feel comfortable with the idea of him walking me down the aisle, but I think that he will be expecting to and that his side of the family (who is pretty conservative) will also have this expectation. I've even been told by a close family friend that when I get married it would be disrespectful if I did not allow him to walk me down the aisle. I would want him to be present at my wedding but fear what will happen if I do not allow him to do what I'm sure he considers his "right" as my biological father. If anyone else has been in a similar situation and can offer any guidance to ease my fears, that would be amazing. I feel silly because I am not yet engaged, but I know this is going to be an issue I need to be prepared for very soon.
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Re: Walk down the aisle alone?

  • itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment

    Please don't stress about this when you're not even engaged yet.

    Relationships change over time.

     

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  • BangBangs39BangBangs39
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    You can walk with whom ever you choose.... my father is absent and my brother recently decided to become a giant DB so my MOH and I are going to walk together since otherwise we'd have to walk alone.
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  • manateehuggermanateehugger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Are you not engaged in the sense that you both know you will be married in the next couple years but haven't gotten to the ring yet? Or in the sense that you might think he will propose soon but you haven't really talked about it?

    If it is the former, you can walk down any way you wish. I think a solo bridal entrance could be quite dramatic with the right music.

    If it is the latter, I strongly advise you against pre-planning a wedding that may or may not happen.
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  • brianna727brianna727 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    @PDKH - It is the former, we have talked about it but he has told me that he wants to wait until we are both more financially stable (I just graduated college and he is about to).

    I do understand that relationships change and it is ultimately up to me, but this relationship is not going to improve to the point where I would want him to walk me down the aisle, and he often goes into rages when he doesn't get his way and will threaten me in some way. I guess I'm trying to find a nice way to word it when I tell him, or if I should wait to say anything until he asks?
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  • manateehuggermanateehugger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    brianna27 said:

    @PDKH - It is the former, we have talked about it but he has told me that he wants to wait until we are both more financially stable (I just graduated college and he is about to).


    I do understand that relationships change and it is ultimately up to me, but this relationship is not going to improve to the point where I would want him to walk me down the aisle, and he often goes into rages when he doesn't get his way and will threaten me in some way. I guess I'm trying to find a nice way to word it when I tell him, or if I should wait to say anything until he asks?
    If you both agree that you're getting married, but are waiting for reason XYZ, you're virtually engaged in my mind.

    Try not to stress about this stuff so far in advance. But I would definitely not bring it up to him or tell him in advance. If he asks, just say that personal reasons, you're walking by yourself or having someone else walk you. Try to leave it at that. The aisle escort is one of the few things I believe a bride gets to fairly say "It's my day" about.

    I'm sorry your dad is an abusive jerk.

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  • cbrown828cbrown828 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I agree that there's no need to approach him about it. That could just make it worse. If it comes up, you can explain (briefly) that you are choosing to walk down the aisle alone. Then change the subject. If he won't let it go, you leave, hang up the phone, etc. Make sure he understands this is not up for discussion.

    The first time I was engaged, my parents had been separated for a month and were going through an awful divorce. We planned an elopement (which never happened) to avoid the family drama. Now 6 years later I am marrying the right man and my parents will be sitting together at the wedding and reception by their own choice. Perhaps your dad will surprise you.
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  • cborriescborries member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    My best friend was raised by her mom and step-dad, and her dad was in and out of her life for a long time.  So she had her mom walk her down the aisle, but her dad was waiting at the end to help 'give her away' (they both said "we do" when the pastor asked who was giving her away).  

    Maybe it would be a good compromise to do something similar?  You could walk down the aisle by yourself or with your FI but have him meet you at the end.  
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  • tiny specktiny speck member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    Why not walk down the aisle with your FI when the time comes? This is what we did at our wedding and people commented on how nice it was. And my parents (divorced and both in attendance) were not offended.
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  • aleykit42514aleykit42514 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    My dad probably won't be at my wedding (unless he comes to his senses), so my stepdad agreed to walk me down the aisle and then he and my mom will give me away. I originally wanted my younger brother (he's 18, will be 19 by the time I'm married), to walk me down the aisle, but I know that my dad would give him a hard time about it.
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  • readingrrlreadingrrl member
    First Comment
    First and foremost, take care of yourself. I'm sorry he's not being the parent you deserve. Like PPs, state what you want and need very clearly. He probably won't react well, but gently and firmly remove yourself. He may again try to manipulate you into doing what you want. Just keep reaching out to your supportive people, and remember, to him, it's about him, not you. He's not offended by your choice; he's offended that he didn't get to make the choice for you. Stay confident, and take care of your own needs. You can't change him.
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  • clg1213clg1213 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    cborries said:
    My best friend was raised by her mom and step-dad, and her dad was in and out of her life for a long time.  So she had her mom walk her down the aisle, but her dad was waiting at the end to help 'give her away' (they both said "we do" when the pastor asked who was giving her away).  

     

    I think you just solved my walking dilemma.  I can have my Dad walk me and either my Mom or SF meet us.  Though, at 36, I may have them "present me" (sounds more like just introducing me) than "give me" (since I've been out of the home for more than half my life, if you count college).

    Sorry for the thread hijacking!!  To the OP -- maybe you could have both mom & dad walk you...he gets his "due" and she gets recognition for having actually "done" (I like to play with words)

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  • brianna727brianna727 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    Thanks for all the great ideas everyone! I feel relieved now! :) I hadn't thought of having both my parents but that could be a good compromise.
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  • swizzleflip10swizzleflip10
    First Comment
    You could always walk down the aisle with your fiance. Thats how they do it in Scandinavian countries, its a symbol of equality between the couple, so if anyone asks you why you chose to do that, give that as your reason. Im personally considering doing that at my wedding just because I hate the idea of "being given away" by my father as if Im property! 
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  • luizacarterluizacarter
    First Comment
    I'm in the same exact boat and was told by priest i can either walk alone or with my fiance. Haven't decided on this yet and also hate the thought of being a property to 'give away'. Think I'm leaning of being 'met up by my fiance' half way or something of that sort. But i agree with everyone else - this one day, out of your entire life is YOURS and everything is supposed to be what makes YOU happy (with a little compromise for the fiance like cake flavor lol).
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  • lerowebleroweb member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    My dad is decent. Been in my life the whole time just we are not close. I'm choosing to Have my FI meet me half way
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  • cmiles89cmiles89 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    You don't have to compromise unless you want to- you are totally within your rights to not want him to walk you down the aisle. That being said, I like the idea of your mom walking with you and your dad meeting you at the end, if that's your cup of tea. Good luck to you =)
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