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Wedding program etiquette/step mom

lesliechappelllesliechappell member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum

Help!  What does etiquette say about listing step-parents under the "parents of the bride" section on the program?  My dad and step-mom have been together for 7 years, married for 4.  I wouldn't consider her like a second mother, but I know my dad would be offended if she wasn't included, especially since they paid for a lot of the wedding.  I am having her as part of the processional, just at a different time than the mothers.  Since my dad left my mom for my step-mom, my mom is really offended that I'm recognizing her because she "didn't raise me".  Right now I have it listed as:

            Parents of the bride
Ms. Jane Smith          Mr. & Mrs. John Smith

I thought it was somewhat more sensitive than writing out my stepmom's name, but now I'm having second thoughts about whether she should be listed at all.  How do I deal with this situation?

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Re: Wedding program etiquette/step mom

  • libby2483libby2483 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    You're kind of between a rock and a hard place...it seems your dad will be offended if you don't include her and your mom will be offended if you do.   I think that what you have works well, and I would personally leave it as is.  

    This is how we listed my H's dad, mom, and stepdad:

    Parents of the Groom Tom Smith
    Jane and John Doe

    However, the main difference is that my H does consider his step-dad to be a parent, and he played a large role in raising him.  His dad had no objections to including his step-dad in the program or any other aspect of the wedding.  In any case, I still think that what you have is best.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Could you list it as,

    Mother of the Bride

    Ms. Jane Doe

    Father of the Bride

    Mr. John Doe

    and Mrs. John Doe.
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  • CharlieKay10CharlieKay10 member
    10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited July 2013
    I agree with Libby. I think what you have sounds fine.

    My family is similar but different in that my mom left my dad for my stepdad. My dad re-married shortly after and my mom married my now-stepdad. Everyone is in a good place (even though there is a teensy bit of animosity when the whole gang has to be together).  It's been about eight years.

    Because your dad and stepmom are paying for a large portion of the wedding, it would be inappropriate to not include her. Your mom may be coming from a place of hurt in that, not only is your stepmom being labeled "mom" in some way, but that your stepmom is also taking your mom's former moniker, Mrs. John Doe. While I am sure this is difficult for your mom (understandably so), I think it would be inappropriate to not include your stepmom. I am sure many of those close to you that are attending will know your family history and will, in no way, associate your mom and your stepmom as being on even playing fields when it comes to being YOUR mom.
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  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

    I was in a similar position and I know I got (or will get) flamed for this but we did:

    MOB

    FOB

    His Wife

    As I have stated before in this argument, I know by definition she is my stepmom (ugh), but I refuse to refer to her that way for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is she never was a "mom" to me.

     

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Go ahead and list her as your father's wife, even if your mother objects and even if you don't think of her as a "stepmother" yet.  It's just appropriate.  This should not be a hill for you to die on.
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Go ahead and list her as your father's wife, even if your mother objects and even if you don't think of her as a "stepmother" yet.  It's just appropriate.  This should not be a hill for you to die on.
    I'm with Jen on this and I am a stepmom, as well as my girls have a stepmom.  And, please don't write Mrs. John Smith as her name unless she really prefers that. Use her name - Mrs. Jane Smith.  
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  • Keith+BrennaKeith+Brenna member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its
    I am in the same situation. I have not written my programs yet, but writting my invitations was tricky. Like in your example up top, my mother did not change her last name back to her maiden name after divorce, so it reads "Jane Doe and Jessica & John Doe" The programs will be similar, but more formal. IMO, what is it worth to list her as your "Dad's wife"? I think that's rude and awkward. My dad left my mother for my step-mom also, but is it really worth a headache just to not list her as a parent? My stepmom was actually very floored that I mentioned her at all.
    image
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  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

    @keith+Brenna - For me, it absolutely was worth it to list her has "his wife".  My father had an affair with this woman and had one child out of wedlock (two more after they were married).  It tore my family apart.  They have been married for over 25 years.  They have NEVER invited me (or any of my full siblings) to their home for a holiday, a birthday or just for shits and giggles.  I have never lived under their roof.  And you think because it might seem "awkward" I should just have listed her as a parent?

    I think not.

    @kmmssg - You have always struck me as a wonderful mom/stepmom through your posts.  If only all of them could be that way and not want to try to erase the "former life" if you will.

     

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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    @MrsMack10612 - thank you for such kind words!  I was very fortunate that the first thing ex-h and I decided was that our girls would never have to choose one over the other, we would always sit together at all their functions (a couple of times weren't as easy as the others), and we wouldn't allow our new partners to down talk the other's ex.  We both pretty much stuck to that and it has worked in our favor.
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  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    kmmssg said:
    @MrsMack10612 - thank you for such kind words!  I was very fortunate that the first thing ex-h and I decided was that our girls would never have to choose one over the other, we would always sit together at all their functions (a couple of times weren't as easy as the others), and we wouldn't allow our new partners to down talk the other's ex.  We both pretty much stuck to that and it has worked in our favor.

    I think that's wonderful.  Sadly, my dad handled everything in such a shitastic way, that it's never been better than barely civil between my folks.

     

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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I'm sorry to hear that, MrsMack.
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  • 32daisies32daisies member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    Is there some way you can rework the program so it's not "Parents of the Bride"? I think that's the part where it gets sticky. As your father's wife of course she should be listed, period, if you're listing parents at all. But putting her under the heading of your parent might be what upsets your mom. Without knowing the structure of your program it's hard to make a specific suggestion.
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