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Wedding Party

Left FSIL out of wedding party-- and she is the only sibling not in it.

I am not sure how to handle this situation. My fiance has one sister and one brother. I have one sister. My sister will be my maid of honor and two friends will be bridesmaids. My fiance will have his brother as best man, and two friends as groomsmen. So his sister is the only sibling left out of the wedding party-- besides my fiance's sister-in-law who will be helping her children during the ceremony as ring-bearer and flower girl.

I am not close to his sister although I like her. We didn't exclude her for any particular reason other than the fact that this is just how it played out in terms of gender and keeping the wedding party small. I just didn't notice how awkward it is not to have her until we started really planning and talking about it when she is around. And then the other day my fiance's mother told him that she thinks her feelings are hurt because she is the only sibling left out of the wedding party-- although she has never said anything about it to us and seems ok as far as we can tell.

I really don't want to change things around at this point in the planning process (dresses purchased etc), and if we ask her now, it almost makes things more awkward because it draws a lot of attention to the fact that we didn't do it before. Should we ask her to be a bridesmaid or just let it go? Any ideas about how to soothe any potential hurt feelings that aren't in the open? Right now she is supposed to do a reading. I just feel really guilty about this and wish I had just asked her to be a bridesmaid from the begining. 

Re: Left FSIL out of wedding party-- and she is the only sibling not in it.

  • I am not sure how to handle this situation. My fiance has one sister and one brother. I have one sister. My sister will be my maid of honor and two friends will be bridesmaids. My fiance will have his brother as best man, and two friends as groomsmen. So his sister is the only sibling left out of the wedding party-- besides my fiance's sister-in-law who will be helping her children during the ceremony as ring-bearer and flower girl.

    I am not close to his sister although I like her. We didn't exclude her for any particular reason other than the fact that this is just how it played out in terms of gender and keeping the wedding party small. I just didn't notice how awkward it is not to have her until we started really planning and talking about it when she is around. And then the other day my fiance's mother told him that she thinks her feelings are hurt because she is the only sibling left out of the wedding party-- although she has never said anything about it to us and seems ok as far as we can tell.

    I really don't want to change things around at this point in the planning process (dresses purchased etc), and if we ask her now, it almost makes things more awkward because it draws a lot of attention to the fact that we didn't do it before. Should we ask her to be a bridesmaid or just let it go? Any ideas about how to soothe any potential hurt feelings that aren't in the open? Right now she is supposed to do a reading. I just feel really guilty about this and wish I had just asked her to be a bridesmaid from the begining. 
  • Doing a reading is a perfectly acceptable way of including her in your wedding day. If your FI feels bad he could have included her on his side, although I that ship has sailed and she will only look like an afterthought at this point.

    You can always get her a nice gift for being a reader and give it to her when you give out your other WP gifts.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Anniversary 
  • Unless either of you was particularly close to her, there is no reason she needs to be in the wedding party, nor would I think she would expect to be.  Being a reader is fine. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I would leave her as a reader. Your right it could feel like an afterthought if you ask her now. Also she may not even be upset to not be a bridesmaid. For what it is worth my SIL was also a reader, and actually prefered it that way. I would get her a nice gift as previous posters suggested. You can also invite her to get ready the day of with you and your bridesmaids if you want and obviously include her in any prewedding parties.
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  • It's okay to have her as a reader.
  • I think a lot of people "expect" to be in a wedding party if they are a sibling, but it is definitely not mandatory.  If you are not close to her then I would not make her a bridesmaid...and you never know she may be totally fine and her mom is making it more dramatic.  At this point ship has sailed, and I think asking her to do a reading would be nice.  if you made her a bridesmaid this late is the game it woud be obvious its an obligation and would make it more akward.

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    Anniversary
  • What does gender have to do with anything?
  • Having her as a reader sounds just fine. If she's really feeling left out of the wedding party stuff, you could perhaps work with her to get a coordinating colored dress, or your FI could invite her to get ready with him. 
  • I think a lot of it is based on your family. When my brother got married my sister and I where not asked to be bridesmaids. Yes our feelings where hurt because in my family that is just not something you do. However we ended up being in it after my dad said something to my brother. My dad and my SIL to this day still does not know I know we where not going to be asked. Yes I wishes I wasn't an afterthought but in the end I was lad to be there for her especially since 2 of her original bridesmaids ended up being trouble and aggregating the bride and barely get along now.
  • If he is similarly close to his two siblings, it seriously sucks for her to get the shaft just because she's a girl. That makes no sense.

    Asking her now would be awkward if it's been a long time since the other siblings were asked. I would proceed essentially "as if" she is in the wedding party. I.e., she's a reader, but the wedding party is bridesmaids+groomsmen+readers. Include her on the coordinating colors. Ask you MOH to make sure that she's included in any shower/bachelorette discussions, etc. Make sure she's invited to anything that a bridesmaid would be. You could even give her a coordinating corsage of some sort, if you're doing coordinated bouquets and boutonnieres for the WP. If the Program lists "Wedding Party" make sure she's listed under that heading.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_left-fsil-out-of-wedding-party-and-she-is-the-only-sibling-not-in-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b8cb6502-38c3-41b3-b7db-b9ae78de0496Post:d4d22683-4f76-4f33-86e3-18d5ece38e31">Re: Left FSIL out of wedding party-- and she is the only sibling not in it.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sephiroth, including her on CHORES will not make her feel honored.  It'll make her feel like a workhorse who is expected to slave for the bride but is getting no reward or recognition for it. I can see it from her POV:  "I get to read out loud from a piece of paper, help throw her shower and bach party, help PAY for them....and everyone is in the bridal party but me. They left me out WHY? Did I do something to one or both of them? Say something? I don't know what I might have done." This is SO easy to do: "FSIL, I'm just going to say it, and hope you forgive me.  I left you out of my wedding party without realizing how it might make you feel.  You've done SO much for our wedding, and been so gracious about being left out.  I realize it's late in the game, but I hope you'll forgive us, and I would be so honored if you would join us as a bridesmaid.  Will you please consider it? I'll kick myself for the rest of my life when I look in my wedding album and DON'T see you standing beside us."
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    Fair enough, I honestly wasn't really thinking about the costs of shower/bachelorette, more the idea of including her in conversations and making sure she's invited to stuff.
  • lmendel10lmendel10 member
    First Comment
    edited January 2014
    This just happened to me last night.
    I found out in March that I wasn't in the wedding party on accident from my younger brother. My younger brother called me to ask if I was booking a hotel room for my older brother's wedding. I replied that I hadn't heard anything about lodging and my younger brother replied, "They just sent out an e-mail to the wedding party about it. Didn't you get that e-mail?" I didn't get to bent out of shape about it at first because I didn't know what kind of wedding they were planning and figured that maybe they weren't having a wedding party and were just having a best man and a maid-of-honor stand. I later found out that they had SEVEN bridesmaids and SEVEN groomsmen. My younger brother was chosen to be my older brother's best man. Her brother was a groomsman, and her sister was her maid-of-honor - meaning every sibling on both sides was asked to be in the wedding party except for me. 

    I wasn't invited to the rehearsal dinner. I was sat at a table for dinner near the back next to people I had never met. All night various members of my extended family approached me and asked me why I wasn't in the wedding. It was exhausting just smiling and shrugging all night, pretending like I didn't care/notice so I wouldn't be trash-talking my brother at his own wedding. Another poster above said it correctly - it becomes a very public slight.

  • lmendel10 said:
    This just happened to me last night. My older brother (35) just married his fiance (21) last night. My fiance and I were engaged Sept. 2012 and announced it to our family at a trip to the cabin over Labor Day weekend. For the rest of the weekend my brother's new wife proceeded to nag him about wanting to get married and didn't congratulate us. It was weird to say the least.

    Two months later my brother proposed to her. The wedding date they chose is a mere 3 weeks before the own wedding I had been planning.

    I found out in March that I wasn't in the wedding party on accident from my younger brother. My younger brother called me to ask if I was booking a hotel room for my older brother's wedding. I replied that I hadn't heard anything about lodging and my younger brother replied, "They just sent out an e-mail to the wedding party about it. Didn't you get that e-mail?" I didn't get to bent out of shape about it at first because I didn't know what kind of wedding they were planning and figured that maybe they weren't having a wedding party and were just having a best man and a maid-of-honor stand. I later found out that they had SEVEN bridesmaids and SEVEN groomsmen. My younger brother was chosen to be my older brother's best man. Her brother was a groomsman, and her sister was her maid-of-honor - meaning every sibling on both sides was asked to be in the wedding party except for me. 

    I wasn't invited to the rehearsal dinner. I wasn't asked to be in any family pictures except for one, after the photographer learned who I was in the stairway of the venue after the ceremony insisted that he needed to take one of everyone (he hadn't heard that I existed). I was sat at a table for dinner near the back next to people I had never met. The only time my brother spoke to me all night was to ask me to run to the local store to get more ice and cups because the supply at the bar was running low. All night various members of my extended family approached me and asked me why I wasn't in the wedding. It was exhausting just smiling and shrugging all night, pretending like I didn't care/notice so I wouldn't be trash-talking my brother at his own wedding. Another poster above said it correctly - it becomes a very public slight.

    Let's just say I can't remember the last time I was this hurt or publicly humiliated. I spent the remainder of the night after his wedding crying in my hotel room - I just had to get out some energy/emotion after holding it in all day. And I had never had a falling out with my brother before, but this really damaged our relationship. It will likely take me some time to get over it completely, and I'm not one to hold grudges. I agree it does depend on the family, but both of my brothers and both of my fiance's sisters are in my wedding party. (Actually, they are our ENTIRE wedding party.) My younger brother had all of the collective siblings in his wedding.... you get my drift. 
    Why did you point out their ages? I can't see how they apply to the rest of what you posted.
  • lmendel10 said:
    This just happened to me last night. My older brother (35) just married his fiance (21) last night. My fiance and I were engaged Sept. 2012 and announced it to our family at a trip to the cabin over Labor Day weekend. For the rest of the weekend my brother's new wife proceeded to nag him about wanting to get married and didn't congratulate us. It was weird to say the least.

    Two months later my brother proposed to her. The wedding date they chose is a mere 3 weeks before the own wedding I had been planning.

    I found out in March that I wasn't in the wedding party on accident from my younger brother. My younger brother called me to ask if I was booking a hotel room for my older brother's wedding. I replied that I hadn't heard anything about lodging and my younger brother replied, "They just sent out an e-mail to the wedding party about it. Didn't you get that e-mail?" I didn't get to bent out of shape about it at first because I didn't know what kind of wedding they were planning and figured that maybe they weren't having a wedding party and were just having a best man and a maid-of-honor stand. I later found out that they had SEVEN bridesmaids and SEVEN groomsmen. My younger brother was chosen to be my older brother's best man. Her brother was a groomsman, and her sister was her maid-of-honor - meaning every sibling on both sides was asked to be in the wedding party except for me. 

    I wasn't invited to the rehearsal dinner. I wasn't asked to be in any family pictures except for one, after the photographer learned who I was in the stairway of the venue after the ceremony insisted that he needed to take one of everyone (he hadn't heard that I existed). I was sat at a table for dinner near the back next to people I had never met. The only time my brother spoke to me all night was to ask me to run to the local store to get more ice and cups because the supply at the bar was running low. All night various members of my extended family approached me and asked me why I wasn't in the wedding. It was exhausting just smiling and shrugging all night, pretending like I didn't care/notice so I wouldn't be trash-talking my brother at his own wedding. Another poster above said it correctly - it becomes a very public slight.

    Let's just say I can't remember the last time I was this hurt or publicly humiliated. I spent the remainder of the night after his wedding crying in my hotel room - I just had to get out some energy/emotion after holding it in all day. And I had never had a falling out with my brother before, but this really damaged our relationship. It will likely take me some time to get over it completely, and I'm not one to hold grudges. I agree it does depend on the family, but both of my brothers and both of my fiance's sisters are in my wedding party. (Actually, they are our ENTIRE wedding party.) My younger brother had all of the collective siblings in his wedding.... you get my drift. 
    It sounds like you don't like your brother's wife very much.  You seem upset that she didn't congratulate you and think that she nags your brother.  Pointing out their ages (which isn't relevant to anything you posted) makes me think you judge the age gap.  That said, I'm not really surprised that they didn't ask you to be in WP.  

    The other bolded parts about the behavior at the wedding/not being included in the RD are legitimate complaints, but they really don't have anything to do with being in the WP or not.  You did not need to be in the WP to be included in the RD, be a part of pictures, sit at a better table, or to have your brother spend time with you at his wedding.  I would be upset by this behavior, too, but these are all separate complaints from not being a part of the WP.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • Grabows14Grabows14 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited July 2013
    @knottie, you can have whoever you want in your party, it doesn't matter if it's blood or not. Having her do a reading is a good idea... some people might prefer to not be in a wedding. It is very stressful (coming from someone who has two back to back this coming august)....

    Anyway, talk to her about the wedding, and she will be included. Ignoring her and the fact that she isn't in your party will make it even more hurtful IMO.... I don't think you did anything wrong...

    lmendel10... it's a wedding.... not the rest of your lives. If they still talk to you, I wouldn't take it personally.  AND DUH! you had a wedding 3 weeks later... maybe they didn't want to stress you out!!
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • Your brother sounds like a dick. Not being a bm didn't matter, but it sounds like you should have been a groomsmaid. And getting stuck in the back of the venue and not participating in the pictures was your brother's fault, not the little tart he married.



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