Suddenly talking to his ex ALL the time...

mstallae · July 2013

A few weeks ago my fiance's ex father in law was murdered and his ex mother in law was seriously injured in the same attack. I know it was a huge shock we went as soon as we could down to where they were living - and spent about 5 days there. His kids and ex wife also lived in the same house and were there at the time of the attack. They are fine (physically) and are getting help emotionally through victims services etc.

This sounds stupid but my fiance has been talking to his ex a LOT since its happened and I'm having a really really hard time with it. I understand that something terrible has happened but .. their conversations veer into things that are NOT related to this in any way and that I find inappropriate. (They had a text conversation about sex ... not THEM having sex together but her and her new boyfriend's sex life vs ours..) it made me really uncomfortable.

I don't want to seem like a jealous bi*ch but at the same time .. I really don't want them talking more than necessary regarding things like how the kids are doing etc. Before this happened they barely spoke other than when he would call to talk to the kids or when we saw her when we picked them up etc. Now they are texting regularly, messaging on facebook and nearly daily phoning...

I've told him it makes me uncomfortable that they are talking so much but he brushed it off and said she just "really needs someone to be there for her" right now.. and I get that .. but isn't that in some respects her BOYFRIEND'S place and not her ex husbands?

What do I do?

smalfrie19 · July 2013

It would make me uncomfortable too and with him brushing off your concerns like that, it may raise a red flag. I would sit him down and tell him again how it make you feel and impress upon him that it is her new BF's job to "be there for her" not his.

Angusaur · July 2013

I wouldn't let it bother me that they are talking more often. Like it or not, she is tied to his life because of the children. You can't dictate how good of friends they can be or how often they talk. And honestly, who knows how long this will last? If they didn't talk a lot before, chances are things will slow back down to a "how are the kids?" level and nothing more. I'm sure your FI is just being there for her because of the tragedy her family just went through, and giving her conversation to keep her mind elsewhere.

I would be uncomfortable about the sex talking though, and I'd tell him so. Hopefully he will respect your thoughts and concerns and steer away from those conversations from now on.

NYCBruin · July 2013

mstallae said:

A few weeks ago my fiance's ex father in law was murdered and his ex mother in law was seriously injured in the same attack. I know it was a huge shock we went as soon as we could down to where they were living - and spent about 5 days there. His kids and ex wife also lived in the same house and were there at the time of the attack. They are fine (physically) and are getting help emotionally through victims services etc.

This sounds stupid but my fiance has been talking to his ex a LOT since its happened and I'm having a really really hard time with it. I understand that something terrible has happened but .. their conversations veer into things that are NOT related to this in any way and that I find inappropriate. (They had a text conversation about sex ... not THEM having sex together but her and her new boyfriend's sex life vs ours..) it made me really uncomfortable.

I don't want to seem like a jealous bi*ch but at the same time .. I really don't want them talking more than necessary regarding things like how the kids are doing etc. Before this happened they barely spoke other than when he would call to talk to the kids or when we saw her when we picked them up etc. Now they are texting regularly, messaging on facebook and nearly daily phoning...

I've told him it makes me uncomfortable that they are talking so much but he brushed it off and said she just "really needs someone to be there for her" right now.. and I get that .. but isn't that in some respects her BOYFRIEND'S place and not her ex husbands?

What do I do?

This would make me very uncomfortable, too. You should sit down and have an honest conversation with FI about your feelings on this. Explain that the amount of communication as well as the content of their communication makes you feel uncomfortable. If FI doesn't take your concerns seriously, well that's a big problem.

As to the bold, even if she didn't have a boyfriend, it's not her ex-husband's job to be there for her.

Angusaur · July 2013

I don't think that he has to be labeled as only the ex-husband. They have children together and he could consider her his friend. If trust is not an issue in the relationship, I don't see why this is a problem. I definitely agree that she should tell him she's not comfortable about some of the topics they talk about, but I don't think she can tell him not to talk to her as much. I talk to one of my exes on a weekly basis. He's happily married, I'm happily engaged. Our conversation never turns to anything sexual period, but we do talk about a lot of random things. If he had a similar tragedy in his family, I'm sure I'd try to be there to talk him through it.

Edited to fix crazy formatting.

smalfrie19 · July 2013

Angusaur said:

This would make me very uncomfortable, too. You should sit down and have an honest conversation with FI about your feelings on this. Explain that the amount of communication as well as the content of their communication makes you feel uncomfortable. If FI doesn't take your concerns seriously, well that's a big problem.

As to the bold, even if she didn't have a boyfriend, it's not her ex-husband's job to be there for her.

I don't think that he has to be labeled as only the ex-husband. They have children together and he could consider her his friend. If trust is not an issue in the relationship, I don't see why this is a problem. I definitely agree that she should tell him she's not comfortable about some of the topics they talk about, but I don't think she can tell him not to talk to her as much. I talk to one of my exes on a weekly basis. He's happily married, I'm happily engaged. Our conversation never turns to anything sexual period, but we do talk about a lot of random things. If he had a similar tragedy in his family, I'm sure I'd try to be there to talk him through it.

I think this also depends on how the marriage ended. But I don't think he needs to be a support system for his ex wife (she is an ex for a reason) and he certainly shouldn't brush of his future wife's feelings because of his ex wife

eta weird quoting

Jen4948 · July 2013

I would insist on some couples counseling with your FI to provide a context for discussing this, because this is a serious issue. He shouldn't expect to go into marriage with you while being an intimate confidant of his ex on any subject other than their mutual children-especially sex.

lifeonthehill · July 2013

All I can say to this is that I still talk to an ex who knew my deceased father well. It helps keep his memory alive and we share silly stories. Nothing ill intentioned. FI didn't meet my father and therefore is missing that piece of my life. It is nice to still talk to someone wo knows.

I would not let the innapropriate conersations slide. I would continue to discuss it or seek consuling on helping you two work it out.

Dreamergirl8812 · July 2013

Assuming his ex-wife has primary custody of their kids, it's probably wise for your FI to keep a close eye on how she's coping with this tragedy. Her mental and physical well-being is vital to the mental and physical well-being of his children.

aurianna · July 2013

The thing is though that she isn't just his ex. If I'm reading this correctly, she is the mother of his children. Their lives will always be intimately intertwined. His having a healthy, amicable relationship with his ex is good for the children (if their parents hated each other, they might be torn and feel like they needed to pick sides). It could also make your life easier because any coordinating that will need to be done with her for the kids for things (holidays, school plays, etc) might not become a fight.

Your guy's children's grandfather was murdered and their grandmother was very seriously hurt. If there had never been children I could see the point of "it's for her boyfriend to support her." But I feel like it's not out of the realm of normalcy for him to be drawn into this too.

It's possible his ex needs all the support she can get so she could totally be getting even more of it from her boyfriend.

So assuming this is all platonic and there are no boundaries being crossed, I don't think you should interfere with their renewed friendship.

But then there's that whole boundary thing.
May I ask how you know about their sex talk? Did he tell you this or did you read it on his phone secretly?
If he told you casually then I'm guessing he assumes it's no big deal (so maybe you shouldn't either?). It also makes me think there's less chance he's hiding things from you, because I think telling you that went on is pretty candid.
If it really bothers you, this is where we get into what Stage was saying about compatibility.

Personally, it would REALLY bother me. I don't think you'd be out of line for saying something like, "I'm glad you're renewing a friendship, especially since it's the mother of your children. But your telling other people about our sex life makes me uncomfortable. Your telling someone you've actually had sex with about our sex life makes me very uncomfortable. I know I can not control who your friends are or what you talk about, but I wanted you to know in this case how that makes me feel."
See what he says. (it could cause a trust issues fight though. so make sure it's a hill worth dying on)

Going forward you're really going to have to see how it plays out. The murder was still pretty fresh. If their relationship doesn't die down in a few months you'll need to assess. You're going to have to ask yourself why it bothers you. You'll have to ask yourself if you can live with it. If you can't, you'll need to talk with him about it. That's a point where you guys will have a lot to work out (because the issue of trust is going to come up). You'll kind of have to go from there.

mstallae · July 2013

I found out the subject of the conversations because he told me .. somewhat.. I asked what they were talking about and he gave me vague answers that I didn't feel was fully honest.. I pushed some more and he let me read the texts.... which is when I told him I was VERY uncomfortable with him talking to her about those types of things.

I realize because of the children he will have ties with her and he needs to keep track of how things are going with her / them but at the same time .. I feel he shouldn't be talking about our sex life / her sex life / anything non platonic. I don't really want him talking about those things (in intimate detail) with anyone but CERTAINLY not with his ex ...

They split up because she cheated.. and eventually left him for another guy (not her current bf) .. it was a messy situation and I met my FI about 4 months after they split. We took things slow at the beginning of our relationship as we had both been hurt before .. he didn't propose for 2 and a half years so .. it isn't like it was a rushed thing.

Up until this point his contact with her was relatively minimal - asking how the kids were, being pleasant when we picked them up or arranged visits, but he had said he had no real desire to be "friends" with her and that he was "only in contact with her because of the kids". Now he's talking to her several times a day - and I'm not super comfortable with that. ESPECIALLY with the content. I understand I don't get to pick his friends for him but at the same time .. there are certain things I don't feel he should be talking about. The conversation that REALLY upset me is they were talking about where the "craziest" place WE had done "it" and where the craziest place "they" (his ex and her current bf) had done "it" and led to a bit of them talking about where THEY (FI and ex wife) had done things in the past.. ugh

HisGirlFriday13 · July 2013

I'm with PPs -- on balance, you can't be jealous of their talking. BUT -- the sex thing, especially your most recent update about what they talked about, would worry me. For me, that's a violation of trust. FI hasn't been married before and has no children, but I wouldn't be comfortable with him talking about our sex life with ANYONE -- guy friends, girl friends, gay friends, straight friends, whatever. Our sex life is ours, and no one else's business. Maybe I'm a prude.

But if your issue is that he's talking about your sex life period, like @StageManager14 said, that's a compatibility issue. If your issue is that he's talking about it with his ex, but you'd be OK with him talking to someone else about it, that could be compatibility (like a PP said, talking about a current sex partner with a former sex partner is hinky for some people) or it coule be jealousy. If it's JUST that he's talking to her, that's a jealous issue.

kiddodarling · July 2013

I would be VERY uncomfortable with all of that. I understand what she and their kids are going through is terrible, but the things they are talking about is not ok IMO. I wouldn't be ok if my husband was texting his ex about our sex life, her sex life or being her support system. And I actually like his ex! To me, all that spells is trouble. Also, the fact that he was brushing you off says he knew you wouldn't like the content of their texts. You need to sit down with him and talk about why it makes you uncomfortable.

libby2483 · July 2013

mstallae said:

I found out the subject of the conversations because he told me .. somewhat.. I asked what they were talking about and he gave me vague answers that I didn't feel was fully honest.. I pushed some more and he let me read the texts.... which is when I told him I was VERY uncomfortable with him talking to her about those types of things.

I realize because of the children he will have ties with her and he needs to keep track of how things are going with her / them but at the same time .. I feel he shouldn't be talking about our sex life / her sex life / anything non platonic. I don't really want him talking about those things (in intimate detail) with anyone but CERTAINLY not with his ex ...

They split up because she cheated.. and eventually left him for another guy (not her current bf) .. it was a messy situation and I met my FI about 4 months after they split. We took things slow at the beginning of our relationship as we had both been hurt before .. he didn't propose for 2 and a half years so .. it isn't like it was a rushed thing.

Up until this point his contact with her was relatively minimal - asking how the kids were, being pleasant when we picked them up or arranged visits, but he had said he had no real desire to be "friends" with her and that he was "only in contact with her because of the kids". Now he's talking to her several times a day - and I'm not super comfortable with that. ESPECIALLY with the content. I understand I don't get to pick his friends for him but at the same time .. there are certain things I don't feel he should be talking about. The conversation that REALLY upset me is they were talking about where the "craziest" place WE had done "it" and where the craziest place "they" (his ex and her current bf) had done "it" and led to a bit of them talking about where THEY (FI and ex wife) had done things in the past.. ugh

I would be very uncomfortable with this as well. I think that you need to express to him how uncomfortable this makes you ASAP.

wittykitty14 · July 2013

That would also make me VERY uncomfortable, so you're not alone. I would be so mad if FI told anybody intimate details like that, with the exception of maybe 2 of our close friends that we talk about sex a lot with. I definitely wouldn't like him talking to any of his ex's about it. My guess is that the two of them are just shooting the shit, having pleasant conversation, and don't realize that this is inappropriate. Your FI is probably going with the flow, because he's trying to keep her distracted from all the pain she's going through. I don't think there's any harm intended. HOWEVER, this clearly bothers you, and that needs to be addressed. No matter what he might say in defense, there are ways of him supporting her, without hurting you. You and him might not see eye-to-eye, but I highly suggest you continue this conversation with him, and work through it. What did he say when you told him how you felt after reading the texts?

stantokm · July 2013

Don't let this slide. I understand that he needs to have a relationship with her for their children and it would be great if they could always be good friends after this--but talking about his sex life with her is a huge red flag. Sure, some guys are oblivious and don't know when they've started to cross a line, but if you let him know how uncomfortable you are and things don't change, you have a problem. I hope that he eases back from his ex in regard to the intimate topics.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

What I see as the biggest red flag here is that you have brought up how this is making you feel nd he has dismissed them.

I don't care what either of us are mad/sad/feeling uncomfortable about, FI and I at least listen to each other and try to figure out and talk through it.

That said, it sounds like you don't fully trust him. That's also a red flag on your end.

ETA: clarity

hordol · July 2013

If I were in the same position, I don't think I'd be upset about FI talking to her more in general (because it is such a tragic situation and the two of them have a history--he knows her parents and is the father of their kids...it makes sense that she would go to him because there is probably less explaining involved and they can relate in that they need to make some serious parenting decisions right now in how to support and be there for the kids) but the sex thing would cross the line. I don't mind when my husband talks to his best friend about our sex life, but if he started talking to an ex about it, it doesn't matter what the circumstances are--I wouldn't be okay with it. You have the right to have a private sex life if that's what you want. If it makes you uncomfortable for your FI to share those details, have a discussion with him about how you feel your privacy is violated.

I do agree with you that her BF should be there for her, and just because she is talking to your FI more doesn't mean that he's not there for her. He just might not know her family as well as your FI does.

But yeah, in summary don't worry about the communication in this tragic time. You have the right to worry about certain topics they talk about (like I said, I feel the sex thing was inappropriate) but communication in general? That's probably normal and to be expected given the situation at hand.

ETA: I missed your update the first go-round through the thread. It seems like you have your head on straight about the situation--you seem more worried about the comparing of sex lives than the communication in general, which is good, and I think you have every right to be concerned about that. If I found texts from my husband to his ex reminiscing about places they had sex, you can bet all hell would break loose. Your FI needs to understand what an issue this is for you. He should definitely be respectful of the fact that he shouldn't be talking about sex with an ex if you have a problem with it, and if he has a problem with THAT then he might need to do some reevaluating himself.

MuppetOverlord · July 2013

I understand him comforting her during this situation. If my ex's parents died, I'd offer my support. If we had kids together, I would definitely be more visible and supportive.

One of my best friends' father died around the time his wife left him but they were still married. He didn't have a lot of people locally to support him and he tried to just talk to her about it and I remember thinking she was a cold hearted bitch for responding via text message "that's too bad"

I think of the one ex that I stay in contact with and we don't discuss anything related to sex, not even close. That's inappropriate. Since you've already brought it to his attention, unless he continues, I'm not sure what you can do.

Hopefully as time passes, his contact with her will lessen.

nextrightthing · July 2013

Comparing sex lives - not good. Talking daily or even more than once a day is something you have to accept because that is what is right for the kids. But there is a limit.

I am raising my son with my ex. We often talk daily (usually text, sometimes phone), and we do talk about our families, work, etc. We are friends. I consider him a member of our family,and FI understands and is fine with that. But there is no sex talk. When I was single, he would make a passing comment here or there (eg, "nice boobs" - there is a reason he's an ex). Once I met FI, that stopped. It is a respect issue, I think.

Brittanyreneesekelsky · July 2013

Honestly, I wouldn't be so concerned about anything other than the sex conversation. If you're in a trusting relationship, he obviously isn't hiding anything from you seeing as he let you read the messages. It's not about anything else other than the fact that you know they've had sex (the children), you know that they were intimate, and that jealousy is completely valid. But there's something that you need to understand, no matter what he talks about in his sex life, he's talking about YOU. Meaning, he's not cheating, that he loves you. And at the end of the day, who is he laying next to? You. Is he doing anything more than talking to her in her time of need? No. I feel that to resolve your trust issues, you should go to a counselor. Discuss boundaries, fears, and maybe get to the bottom of the problems. But honestly... She's the mother of his children, you can't tell him not to talk to her. They should be at least friends because of the children. My parents went through a messy divorce, and when my mom met my stepdad her and my dad had a bit of an easier relationship than when they were single. You're marrying him, not her. She's the past, you are his present. But remember something will always tie them together. He's not hiding anything, so I don't believe that you should be as worried as you are. He's never been unfaithful before, right? In fact he left her because she was unfaithful. I think that there should tell you everything you need to know about him, and his standards.

Peledreamsofrain · July 2013

He needs to be seeing a therapist and processing his emotions in an appropriate manner, not through sex-talking with his ex. I can see where he may want to emotionally regress himself back to a time prior to everything happening, and she's a nice way to achieve that, but it's not healthy for anyone involved.

His sharing of your love life against your wishes and dismissal of your concerns are not acceptable.

winterbride1989 · July 2013

I feel like most people commenting on your situation are not stepparents. While it is great when the parents can stay friendly for the kids it is not a requirement. It is easy for stepmothers to fall into the trap of always putting themselves last and you don't want to establish this as a pattern. The children need the support of both parents during this time and it is great that you are so supportive of that. His ex is an adult and has a support system that does not need to include your fiance. It is valid for this to make you uncomfortable and no one should tell you to just get over it.

That said, if he does continue to dismiss your feelings on the matter, then you should be reconsidering your relationship. Not because you are being unreasonable but because he is putting the feelings of his ex-wife over yours and that is never okay.

KDM323 · July 2013

I spent 5 years in a relationship with a man who had children from a prior marriage.

Nothing is "easy" about relationships where your partner has a prior marriage and children from that prior marriage. And, honestly, it isn't a life that everyone is suited to. He will always have some sort of tie to her, and he will always have to communicate with her, talk to her, etc. It is best for the kids is they can be cordial with one another. But, there need to be boundaries.

Yes, your fiance should be talking to his ex at this time. Yes, he should be concerned with how they are all dealing with this tragedy. No, he really should not be talking about your sex life with his ex or comparing sex lives. That is crossing a boundary.

IMHO, you should have an honest conversation with your fiance and tell him that you were uncomfortable with him talking to his ex about your sex life. And then...listen. See what he says. See if he understands why that makes you uncomfortable.

(ETA: phrasing)

mstallae · July 2013

Thanks for all the advice

I had a conversation with him last night about why I was uncomfortable. I said I understood he needs to talk to her because of the kids and that with everything that has happened I understand he wants to keep closer tabs on them to make sure everyone is doing ok. I also said that there are certain topics I was uncomfortable with (ie anything to do with our sex life, their sex life previously, or sex in general with her ) and I needed him to stop talking about those things.. He said he was sorry for making me feel so bad about it and that he didn't really think about it it "just happened". He said he will try to refrain from these subjects in the future and if she brings something like that up he will try and "bean dip" her... I introduced this concept to him during our conversation.

Oddly enough his ex wife's bf "found" their text messages and was LIVID with her and they apparently had a huge fight... and after telling my FI about said fight hasn't contacted him at all since.... not sure if I should encourage my FI to contact her if he hasn't heard from her by say tomorrow .. or if he should just let it be until she contacts him (or until he calls to speak directly to the kids .. which he does every Monday.. the kids know they can talk to him any time but he calls every Monday no matter what to check in)..

mstallae · July 2013

ugh double post

Suddenly talking to his ex ALL the time...

Re: Suddenly talking to his ex ALL the time...

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