NWR - What do you think?

BangBangs39 · July 2013

So I'll try to keep it short. My wedding is this Saturday. Back in January my brother and FI's best friend/BM got into a big argument (happens usually whenever they are within 100Ft of each other - especially considering my brother is kind of an angry drunk and extremely over sensitive. Many times he has gotten drunk, started an argument with someone, and then the next day he is the victim and everyone else is the asshole. I'm used to it, but I don't like it either) - BM has never done anything vicious to my brother, they are just oil & water - that argument spun out of control and ended up with my brother calling me and telling me he wasn't coming to my wedding, posted some really nasty things about FI and I on Facebook and had a brawl with FI when FI tried to go talk to him about what happened. My brother did something to FI that both FI and I and outside people we've talked to think was pretty much unforgiveable. For 3 months after that I got emails daily from my mother telling me how I abandoned my brother, have chosen other people over my family for many years, and just pretty much how I'm such an asshole (all based on things my brother has told her).

Jump forward 5 months - my mother said something to me about how she thinks she has my brother convinced to come to the ceremony and has also invited his G/F (who I have never met) to come too. I didn't say anything about it, just said OK. This morning I wake up to an email from my mother telling me that my brother has now decided to not come because I haven't said anything about the "olive branch" he extended - which was supposedly my mother convincing him to come to the ceremony (I really see that more as a favor to her). She also said that he understands that I'm a woman in love and that's why I'm choosing to make FI happy by choosing the BM over him (FI has never asked me to pick any sides, he has just been completely supportive of me. I also feel like that statement had almost a belittling tone to it). Then she went on to say that I was rude yesterday when I didn't go up to him at an event and try and talk to him. For the record, I was going to go over and introduce myself to his G/F until it became apparent to myself and two others near me that I was being talked about in a not-so-nice manner, so why would I go over? He also avoided eye contact with me like I was the devil.

Am I the asshole? I don't feel like I am. The BM is the grooms choice, no one else has a say in that. In addition, my FI is an only child and has been friends with his BM since they were 7. Is it really rational to expect me to force FI to kick him out of our wedding and our lives because he doesn't get along with my brother? There have been times where FI and I have invited his BM to something and not my brother, and vice versus in order to avoid an argument. Does this make us bad people? I'm stressed as it is, and now this on top of it? I feel like it's always my fault, never my brothers. It's always up to me to be the bad guy and apologize, even when I didn't cause the problem... I'm just annoyed. There is far more back story of things that have happened, but this is the jest of it. What do you ladies think? Am I an asshole and like the worst person alive?

ETA: Sorry totally not short.

AddieCake · July 2013

Nope, I don't think you're the asshole in this situation at all.

itzMS · July 2013

Meh.

Sounds like a bunch of adults who can't act like adults.

Since it appears you did actually invite your brother and his SO to the wedding...then there's nothing you can do. If you just plain didn't invite him...I'd side eye you a bit for not at least attempting to make amends.

BangBangs39 · July 2013

itzMS said:

Meh.

Sounds like a bunch of adults who can't act like adults.

Since it appears you did actually invite your brother and his SO to the wedding...then there's nothing you can do. If you just plain didn't invite him...I'd side eye you a bit for not at least attempting to make amends.

Despite the things he said and did to FI and I when I sent an invite to my mom's house it said to XXXXX Family. I didn't know he had a girlfriend until afterwards since he hasn't spoken a word to me since the beginning of January.

BangBangs39 · July 2013

Thanks for the opinions.

A little more back story - My father hasn't spoken to us in 6 years. 6 years ago he chose his G/F over us… it sucked really bad but I went with the notion of “life goes on”. My brother on the other hand, has never gotten over it (he is in his late 20’s). I get it, a son wants his father around. But my dad was never an involved dad to begin with. Any ways I understand that he feels like he missed out on the whole normal family thing, but why does that mean if I don’t invite him to something it means I don’t want him involved in my life? That’s essentially what I’ve been told.

I’ve invited BM and not brother so I’m choosing BM over brother and that really hurts him… to which I apologized for hurting his feelings. At the same time though, I’m kind of the WTF we’re not 10, I shouldn’t have to baby him and make him feel special by inviting him everywhere right? I mean come on, sometimes you get left out, it doesn’t mean you go all crazy and tell everyone they’re abandoning you right?

ETA: At one point in time, he has argued with every person I know, my MOH, my BM, the best man, the other GM, a couple people who are good friends that are coming as guests, and after those arguments has always told my mother that I let people treat him like shit and don't do anything about it.

itzMS · July 2013

I didn't say in any sense that Meghan was childish @Lingerlonger1. Thank you for assuming, though. Yes, it appears like her brother and mother can't act like adults.

@StageManager14, I personally think it would be really weird if she didn't try to patch things up with her own brother and invite him to her wedding. To me, family is important.

Sorry everyone missed my point.

RamonaFlowers · July 2013

Your brother sounds toxic, and like he should be getting help for his obvious drinking problem. The fact that your mom knows how he is and is just chalking if up to "Well, YOU know better, so YOU need to be the bigger person" instead of recognizing that your brother has a problem and needs to get help (and encouraging him to do so) just makes her an enabler,

You're an adult, you see the situation for what it really is. Yes, keeping the peace in the family is important, but until your mom and brother start taking responsibility for their poor choices, there's no reason for you to beat yourself up for not bending over backwards to keep them happy. It's one thing to be civil and polite, it's quite another to just lay down and be a doormat for people who clearly have zero interest in making any kind of effort themselves.

BangBangs39 · July 2013

LingerLonger1 said:
No, actually, when you don't invite a family member to your wedding it IS making a statement that you pretty much don't want them in your life. A wedding is a huge life event and if you're not going to invite your brother you're in essence telling him you don't want him to partake in your life events.

@lingerlonger1 - sorry for the miswording - I meant to parties at my house or something like that - I sent an invite to my mothers house for the XXXXXX Family as he lives with my mom. I did not just address it to my mother and be like F you. He was invited.

BangBangs39 · July 2013

I guess my main concern is this, will I regret not doing what my mom wants send him a text to say something about coming to the wedding?

Which I don't even know what to say really??

NYCBruin · July 2013

BangBangs39 said:

I guess my main concern is this, will I regret not doing what my mom wants send him a text to say something about coming to the wedding?
Which I don't even know what to say really??

I see no need to send a text. You didn't do anything wrong. If he wants to act childish and not come unless you send him a text message, that's his choice as an adult. Sending a text message only tells your mom/brother that they do have power over you and can force you to do things you don't feel right doing.

ETA clarity

BangBangs39 · July 2013

Thank you all for the insight. I feel a little better - but I'm still frustrated to all hell.

wittykitty14 · July 2013

I'd be frustrated too! Sorry, but your brother is an asshole, and your mom defends his behavior. I'm sorry you're getting blamed for everything, you didn't do ANYTHING wrong.

My family is very similar. For reasons I don't fully understand, I'm the scapegoat, and even when someone else does something that's not ok, it's still my fault. It's a horrible situation to be in. Every day, I have to convince myself that I didn't do anything wrong, that this shit isn't my fault, and that I'm not a horrible person. 24 years of this, and I'm very happy that soon I'll be physically separated from them. That's the first step.

Anyway, my point is that I understand what you're going through to some degree. Like Stage said-sharing DNA doesn't give them the right to treat you like this. But it does hurt, because you don't want to cut your family out of your life. But you don't want to put up with it either. It's a really hard place to be in. Don't let them push you around, and stand up for yourself. I put up an emotional wall when my family behaves in this manner, which really helps. It's sad, but in order to protect myself, I have to close myself off from showing/receving all emotion-even positive ones. I look at is as a survival mechanism.

I wish you the best of luck, BangBangs. I'm sorry you've had to go through this!

BangBangs39 · July 2013

wittykitty14 said:

I'd be frustrated too! Sorry, but your brother is an asshole, and your mom defends his behavior. I'm sorry you're getting blamed for everything, you didn't do ANYTHING wrong.
My family is very similar. For reasons I don't fully understand, I'm the scapegoat, and even when someone else does something that's not ok, it's still my fault. It's a horrible situation to be in. Every day, I have to convince myself that I didn't do anything wrong, that this shit isn't my fault, and that I'm not a horrible person. 24 years of this, and I'm very happy that soon I'll be physically separated from them. That's the first step.
Anyway, my point is that I understand what you're going through to some degree. Like Stage said-sharing DNA doesn't give them the right to treat you like this. But it does hurt, because you don't want to cut your family out of your life. But you don't want to put up with it either. It's a really hard place to be in. Don't let them push you around, and stand up for yourself. I put up an emotional wall when my family behaves in this manner, which really helps. It's sad, but in order to protect myself, I have to close myself off from showing/receving all emotion-even positive ones. I look at is as a survival mechanism.
I wish you the best of luck, BangBangs. I'm sorry you've had to go through this!

Thanks Witty - It does suck and I'm trying to just move on with it - it's just one of those WTF - 5 days before I get married you bring this shit up again? Because I need more stress!!

I asked my FI yesterday if he was sure he wanted in LOL - the one thing I can say is that this has brought us closer together - and it has also brought his family even closer... I thank God everyday for him and them... If I was handling this stress on my own I'd be a mess.

wittykitty14 · July 2013

BangBangs39 said:

wittykitty14 said:

I'd be frustrated too! Sorry, but your brother is an asshole, and your mom defends his behavior. I'm sorry you're getting blamed for everything, you didn't do ANYTHING wrong.
My family is very similar. For reasons I don't fully understand, I'm the scapegoat, and even when someone else does something that's not ok, it's still my fault. It's a horrible situation to be in. Every day, I have to convince myself that I didn't do anything wrong, that this shit isn't my fault, and that I'm not a horrible person. 24 years of this, and I'm very happy that soon I'll be physically separated from them. That's the first step.
Anyway, my point is that I understand what you're going through to some degree. Like Stage said-sharing DNA doesn't give them the right to treat you like this. But it does hurt, because you don't want to cut your family out of your life. But you don't want to put up with it either. It's a really hard place to be in. Don't let them push you around, and stand up for yourself. I put up an emotional wall when my family behaves in this manner, which really helps. It's sad, but in order to protect myself, I have to close myself off from showing/receving all emotion-even positive ones. I look at is as a survival mechanism.
I wish you the best of luck, BangBangs. I'm sorry you've had to go through this!

Thanks Witty - It does suck and I'm trying to just move on with it - it's just one of those WTF - 5 days before I get married you bring this shit up again? Because I need more stress!!
I asked my FI yesterday if he was sure he wanted in LOL - the one thing I can say is that this has brought us closer together - and it has also brought his family even closer... I thank God everyday for him and them... If I was handling this stress on my own I'd be a mess.

I hear ya! I'm getting married Friday, and it's a constant thing for me. Just last night, mom and I had a "disagreement" (she's really awesome at telling me one thing, then later changing her mind and saying she never said the first thing, and blaming me for it. Good times). I'm so sick of it. Being physically separated is the only way it's ever going to stop, and to give me the distance needed to not let it affect my sense of self-worth as much as it has. I'm so glad that soon after the wedding, we're moving 1000 miles away!

I totally second all thoughts of awesome FI. Mine has been really supportive and helpful, and we've only grown closer because of my family drama. I'm so happy he's in my life, because I'd be much worse otherwise. Sounds like you have a great guy in your corner too!

BangBangs39 · July 2013

wittykitty14 said:

I hear ya! I'm getting married Friday, and it's a constant thing for me. Just last night, mom and I had a "disagreement" (she's really awesome at telling me one thing, then later changing her mind and saying she never said the first thing, and blaming me for it. Good times). I'm so sick of it. Being physically separated is the only way it's ever going to stop, and to give me the distance needed to not let it affect my sense of self-worth as much as it has. I'm so glad that soon after the wedding, we're moving 1000 miles away!
I totally second all thoughts of awesome FI. Mine has been really supportive and helpful, and we've only grown closer because of my family drama. I'm so happy he's in my life, because I'd be much worse otherwise. Sounds like you have a great guy in your corner too!

Congrats!! Almost there!!

We have thought about moving many times - part of the problem is that moving to create distance between us and my family(not the only reason we have thought about it), distances us from his family and all our friends too.

My mom likes to argue via email - which means I save them all that way I know exactly what she has said in case she tries to back peddle.

NerdyLucy · July 2013

RamonaFlowers said:

Your brother sounds toxic, and like he should be getting help for his obvious drinking problem. The fact that your mom knows how he is and is just chalking if up to "Well, YOU know better, so YOU need to be the bigger person" instead of recognizing that your brother has a problem and needs to get help (and encouraging him to do so) just makes her an enabler, You're an adult, you see the situation for what it really is. Yes, keeping the peace in the family is important, but until your mom and brother start taking responsibility for their poor choices, there's no reason for you to beat yourself up for not bending over backwards to keep them happy. It's one thing to be civil and polite, it's quite another to just lay down and be a doormat for people who clearly have zero interest in making any kind of effort themselves.

This, hardcore.

s-aries8990 · July 2013

Question: Brother is in his late 20's, but didn't get his own invitation? Am I reading that correctly?

If so, that IS kind of a snub at your brother because he's an adult and really should have gotten his own. BUT, that ship has sailed.

You aren't the butt in this situation, they are. Sorry this has to go down so close to your wedding!

BangBangs39 · July 2013

s-aries8990 said:

Question: Brother is in his late 20's, but didn't get his own invitation? Am I reading that correctly?
If so, that IS kind of a snub at your brother because he's an adult and really should have gotten his own. BUT, that ship has sailed.
You aren't the butt in this situation, they are. Sorry this has to go down so close to your wedding!

@s-aries8990 - I shit you not, if I sent him his own he would have never opened it. He doesn't go through his mail like normal people do, it just piles up until my mother tells him to do something about it or until she goes through it.

@LingerLonger1 - You are 100% correct - he would have no idea that etiquette wise he should have received his own, and probably would think it was stupid to send two invites to once house.

Oh to add - I've continued to receive emails telling me that I'm wrong because by not yelling at the best man and by socializing with him (otherwise known as forcing FI to cut him out of our lives) I am condoning his "poor" treatment of my brother.

Oh and my rental place just called and is telling me that they can't drop the tent I rented off on Thursday (which is what I was told months ago and verified a week ago) that they can do it Friday (while I'm at rehearsal and don't have anyone else to meet them) or if the stuff needs to be dropped off on Thursday, it will have to be a different tent.... can you say fuck my life?

BangBangs39 · July 2013

Harry87 said:

Your brother is an angry anus and your mom is convinced he farts glitter and sprinkles. Don't kowtow to someone who has fought with nearly everyone you care for and physically attacked your soon-to-be Husband. Pretty sure when you vow to forsake all others, people who tried to do your spouse harm are at the very top of that list,

FWIW, next time mom wants to whine for him, I would e-mail back that
1. brother is a big boy who needs to fight his own battles directly, aka, not cower behind mommy as a messenger and
2. When everyone you know has fought with him, who is the common denominator? Mom needs to own up to the fact that her kid is a dick. Good people do not make that many enemies (excluding the famous).

@Harry87 - because of the bolded I think I love you... I've been bullshit all day and you just made me so happy with that statement... thanks!

jennylee813 · July 2013

itzMS - family IS important, but sometimes you have to distance yourself for your own sanity...

OP, you are in the right, and I'm sorry that you have to deal with this bullshit. Sounds so much like my own family ...

I didn't invite my sister to my upcoming wedding. She has an abusive husband, and the last time she asked me to help her get out, I did - only to be told (after he chased her down the highway until she pulled over and they "fixed" everything) that she "didn't want to end up like me." (read: divorced) Apparently it's better to live with someone scary who treats you like shit, than to be divorced.

After much soul searching, I made the decision not to include someone in our day who does not support my life and the hard roads I had to choose. So, no - I didn't extend an olive branch either. Yup, sometimes I feel guilty about it, but that's got more to do with my mom's insistence that I 'let bygones be bygones.'

Edit - to fix weird size font ... Obviously can't reply to posts on this computer. *le sigh

OP, you are doing what is right for you and your FI. Never lose sight of that.

BangBangs39 · July 2013

@jennylee813 - thanks for the input - its funny because my mother tells me that brother tries to let "bygones be bygones" and that problems just keep arising not allowing him to forget.

I try and just move on from every argument, but can't because he keeps bringing up old ones, I usually just let it go and apologize so I can move on, but this time I decided to stand my ground, which in turn has made this a 6 month long battle. I thought that by inviting him, although it won't repair the relationship (as too much damage has been done) it would be viewed as a nice gesture... nope I'm a dick for not calling and begging him to come.

@Harry87 - I've tried to explain many times that this is not my problem to solve, that I cannot force someone to like someone else... if I could make everyone get along I would. I've told her that in life you will have to deal with people that don't like you, and that you can't just go around cutting all of those people out. I've also tried to explain that many of these problems stem from brothers drinking... its like talking to a wall.

jennylee813 · July 2013

@BangBangs39 - sounds like you're doing everything right.

I've made amends in the past too, and have learned that it always comes back to bite you in the ass. Eventually you reach a point where you're just tired. Keeping up, biting your tongue and letting them walk all over you is EXHAUSTING...

My FI is trying to understand this dynamic in my life as well. He supports my decisions regarding my family, but I still get a gnawing in my stomach when we're getting ready to travel to where they are. (My parents have sprung surprise visits on me before where they forgot to mention that my sister would be there).

You've got the support of your FI and your friends. Your mother will never understand what she's doing, and sometimes distance is the best remedy (physical OR emotional, whatever you can manage)

Good luck, and enjoy your wedding day!

BangBangs39 · July 2013

@Harry87 - my fear is that my mother won't show either and that would hurt.

BangBangs39 · July 2013

@Lingerlonger1 & @Harry87 - thanks for all the input - My FI is well aware of the situation as well as our BP and my very soon to be MIL. I guess I'll just have to stay strong and hope for the best, but prepare for some drama. Thanks again.

s-aries8990 · July 2013

I just thought it was something worth clarifying.

I agree with Linger and Harry - He's hurting you by being such a jerk about the situation. Mom's hurting you just as badly, if not worse, by not acknowledging the grief YOUR going through and that your brother is wrong. If he feels the need to be begged to do things, he's going to have karma come knocking at his door sooner or later...

And did you get the tent stuff in writing? I'd be ripshit too..

BangBangs39 · July 2013

s-aries8990 said:

I just thought it was something worth clarifying.

I agree with Linger and Harry - He's hurting you by being such a jerk about the situation. Mom's hurting you just as badly, if not worse, by not acknowledging the grief YOUR going through and that your brother is wrong. If he feels the need to be begged to do things, he's going to have karma come knocking at his door sooner or later...

And did you get the tent stuff in writing? I'd be ripshit too..

@s-aries8990 - thanks for the advice. I now see that I'm not alone in being like WTF? Aren't we adults?

I have the contract and the emails reflecting everything. FI just called and talked to them and is working to get it fixed, he is going to take the reins so that I don't murder someone : )

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