Two months out, feeling hopeless

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Hey everyone,
I'm a first-time poster on The Knot but have been lurking since I got engaged last fall. (I really enjoy all the truth-telling that happens on the Etiquette board, even if some of the question-askers don't appreciate it so much ...

) Anyway, I guess what's prompted this is that in terms of getting in shape, I'm kind of feeling like I'm at the end of my rope, so I thought maybe someone could offer some comfort or maybe even suggestions of what to do at this point. I'm getting married on Sept. 21, and have been trying and failing to lose ~10lbs since about January, having started at roughly 136 lbs (I'm 5'4''). I had some success between February and April, losing a few inches and getting down to 132 (a fleeting 131 on one glorious day at the end of April ...) doing Weight Watchers, the 30 Day Shred, then a combination of Jillian Michaels Burn Fat Boost Metabolism and No More Trouble Zones. In May and for about 3/4 of June I foolishly took a hiatus from exercising and paying close attention to calories/points since I was dealing with law school finals, then graduation, then my college reunion, and moving out of my old apartment, but somehow was able to stay around 132 - 133 until about a week or 2 ago. About the third week of June I started doing Ripped in 30 4 days a week and watching my points again, and mid-way through last week I also started double-entering food on MyFitnessPal (averaging 1300 calories, net) to try to get a better balance of macronutrients (having been a carb fiend all my life). I've also done some lifting of heavy weights but not consistently.

After all that, the scale now has me back at 135 lbs, and - what's worse - having gained back all the inches I had lost in my midsection by April. Back at that point my upper abs had decently started to flatten out, but there was still some stubborn chub toward the lower abs ... now both the upper and lower ab areas seem to be sticking out even more than before, such that I almost feel barrel shaped.

I have NO IDEA what I'm doing wrong, and I'm starting to become really depressed. Of course I'm thrilled to be marrying my fiance, but the idea of looking the way I do now on my wedding day - flabby/fleshy/and with too much fat in my face - makes me so sad, and so angry at myself for not having done a better job. Thinking about people taking my picture all day when I hate the way I look, and on a day when I'm supposed to be beautiful ... I just feel like such a failure. I was thin most of my life until the post-college years (I'm 27 now), and for a brief period when I was 23/24 I managed to get down to 125 again before gaining it all back. I just want to feel like myself again.

I'm sorry this got so long, I guess there isn't really anyone I can talk to about this who understands. Any advice would be really welcome. Thanks, ladies.

ETA: I'm currently studying for the bar exam, which is in two weeks, in case that's relevant.

AprilH81 · July 2013

Are you weighing/measuring your food or are you "guesstimating"?

Generally portion controlis the biggest culprit for those who are "doing everything right" and still not losing weight. American's have become so used to large portions that very few of us can accurately judge what an actual portion size is. Unless you have an underlying medical condition that could be slowing you down that would be my guess based on the information you gave us.

Good luck!

And no matter what... ALL brides are beautiful!!!

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Thanks so much for the reply, April. I measure my portions very carefully, using measuring cups and also my food scale, and I track every single thing I eat, so unfortunately I don't think portion control is the issue. I also don't have any underlying medical conditions that I'm aware of. I'm very much at a loss for what's happening here.

jennylee813 · July 2013

I have two thoughts:

First: you may not be eating enough. 1300 calories a day is barely enough to function. Are you eating back your exercise calories? If not, you are likely not netting enough ad your body is holding everything.

Second: you are well within the 'normal' weight range for your body. You could just be at your happy weight. Your body likes where it is, and isn't going to change willingly.

Based on what you've told us, I'm pretty concerned about your perceptions of a healthy body image. You're using phrases like "I used to be thin" and "I feel like a failure." Negative self-talk is very damaging. Think about it; would you say those things to a friend?

It sounds like you're stressed to the max (understandable), and are frustrated with everything. If you're tracking on MFP, read the posting about the "road map." It talks about using TDEE to count calories instead of the base 1200 MFP gives you to work with. Eat good, whole foods, work out (but don't overdo it), and don't stress it.

Life's too short to be unhappy about a number that only you know!

Good luck!

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Thanks for the very kind response, jennylee.

I generally try to eat back my exercise calories, but don't always make it. 1300 does seem a bit low, but back in February I had myself at 1500 instead for about a week or two, sometimes eating back exercise and sometimes not, and actually gained during that period, so I'm afraid of making things worse if I up my calorie goal. I'll check out the road map post again, but I think it was the TDEE idea that led me to 1500 in the first place ... maybe I misunderstood something?

I definitely see what you mean about the negative self-talk. I'd certainly never say these things to a friend! But I also think I'm a pretty self-indulgent person (I've been known to eat entire pints of ice cream in one sitting, I enjoy fast food, am only recently starting to seriously include fruits and veggies in my diet, etc.) so sometimes it feels like, when I start thinking maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself, that thinking that is just an excuse to not eat the way I'm supposed to. Does that make sense? Almost like thinking "don't be so hard on yourself" is just another form of self-indulgence. So I guess I go back and forth between telling myself to relax, and at the other extreme, hating myself a bit for not doing better.

I guess I'm turning this thread into a bit of therapy for myself here, but it's nice to vent.

jennylee813 · July 2013

@arl3312 - I totally get it. Everyone beats themselves up sometimes, but it's when it takes over and becomes the voice you hear most often ... that can be a problem.

Initially people DO gain on TDEE, but that's a temporary thing. Your body is still in starvation mode, so it's holding everything. Sometimes it can take 6 weeks for your body to realize that there isn't a surplus that's going away, and it starts to let things go quickly. But those gaining weeks can be scary!

But your 1500 on TDEE sounds close. Mine is 1650-1750, and that's with a deficit. To maintain, I should be eating 2200-ish.

Most people here follow the 80/20 rule: be good 80% of the time, and indulge around 20. It's better to build in 'cheats' than to deny yourself, because that's what leads to binges and self-loathing. Telling yourself that you can't have something is the best way to make sure you eat a lot of it eventually.

And we all do the therapy thread thing from time to time! It's all good! ;-)

amurrell1821 · July 2013

Ideas:

Make sure you are getting enough water (take your weight, divide in half, and that is the amount of ounces is generally recommended).
If you've done weight watchers, you know the "good health guidelines"- make sure you are getting those in
Are you measuring/tracking on the weekends? That can be a hard time for people.
Are you getting enough sleep? Sounds like you are very busy, I know that when I was trying to lose weight during the CPA exam; I noticed that no matter what I ate, how much/how little I exercised, that if I didn't get at least 8 hours a night; I didn't lose.
The Tracy Anderson metamorphosis workout/nutrition plan may be a good idea for you in the coming two months.

Good luck

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Good health guidelines and water intake are definitely things I can work on. Sleep as well, though that might be a bit harder until after the exam. I'm definitely not getting an uninterrupted 8 hours these days. I'm measuring and tracking on weekends now, but during those weeks in May/June (when I was holding at 132/133) I was pretty much entirely off the reservation. I kind of expected to gain during that period and felt lucky when I didn't, it just seems very odd that now after 4 weeks of being back to exercising and tracking I'd suddenly be hit with extra poundage that's not muscle.

Today I tried one of the more reliable-looking calculators that someone linked to on MFP, and it said my BMR is 1399 calories and my TDEE is 2068. If that's the case, perhaps eating at or below 1300 calories these past few weeks is what got me into trouble? Though I'm not sure how it'd be possible to gain weight that way, rather than just stalling out from movement in either direction ... Going forward I think I'll aim to net no less than 1450 or so to avoid eating below BMR. Hopefully it doesn't cause more of a gain.

I'm just praying I haven't somehow screwed up my metabolism or ended up hormonally out of whack such that I'll never make any progress.

cborries · July 2013

I was trying to lose weight a couple years before getting engaged, and my weight still hasn't budged. I feel your pain and know how upset with yourself you are.

BUT after needing to buy a brand new wardrobe because I just couldn't fit into my old clothes, I realized that wearing something which actually fits properly and makes you feel beautiful and confident makes all the difference in the world. People can't guess your weight, and they won't care. As long as you feel beautiful in your wedding dress and have a beaming smile on your face, no one will know that you didn't make your weight goals. They'll be too busy celebrating with you!!

Keep your chin up!

southernredandwhite85 · July 2013

I would suggest weightlifting. When I work out with weights or use machines, I can tell a huge difference. I may only maintain (or unfortunately sometimes gain) weight, but I feel better and my clothes fit better & that's essentially more important!

[Deleted User] · July 2013

I've been getting in some weight-lifting with the exercise DVDs I've been doing - wherever possible I use 8 or 10lb weights instead of the 3s and 5s the people in the videos are using. I had great success with lifting about that much the last time I made a big push to lose weight. As disappointed as I am with my results in terms of fat loss right now, it has been nice to feel myself getting fit again and I do have a sense of accomplishment for completing the 30 Day Shred and doing a few other things.

I'm really starting to think there's something to the notion that I haven't been eating enough. (I admit I've done a lot of Googling on the subject since first posting ... it beats bar exam studying, lol) When I lost on WW before I was at 29 points, which was roughly 1400 calories a day - right at my BMR. Since the switch to 26 points I've gotten basically nowhere, and with double-counting on MFP I'm seeing times that even when I'm over my points I'm still way under a reasonable calorie goal. So, fingers crossed for some success from my new strategy.

It's nice to get a bit of support from you ladies here, I really appreciate it! I think I may start posting in the accountability threads.

swimmy1988 · July 2013

@arl3312, my guess is that you're building muscle right now. Muscle weighs more, which may be why you're seeing changes in the scale. If you take measurements with a tape measure, you might see more progress.
On your wedding day, you'll look beautiful no matter what

I was worried about my wedding too, since I didn't lose nearly as much weight as I had intended, but I lost 13 pounds, and every little bit counts for me. I felt beautiful on my day.

saundeks · July 2013

In addition to be a bride (also with about two months ago), I also work in a weight loss clinic. Agree with the suggestions here; make sure you are getting enough calories, increase strength training to burn more calories. Make sure your diet is protein based, too; at least 60 grams per day. Watch for sodium; it can hide in foods like bread, and other foods you wouldn't think. So, be aware of sodium in order to reduce any bloating you may be experiencing. An appointment with a registered dietitian is always a good investment.

I hope you are able to be happy with where you are at on your wedding day! The 130's are a great weight range for someone who is 5'4, so I'm sure you already look fantastic. I can relate, though...my weight loss hasn't gone the way I want, and I'm also frustrating on having only a couple months to lose those remaining lbs.

MandyandDJB · July 2013

I'm new to the knot so I don't know if this has been brought up before, however, if you have the money, the Advocare 24 Day Challenge is amazing!

I have done it several times, about every 6 months, and each time I have lost so many inches! It really is amazing and you feel GREAT afterwards. You have so much energy.

It basically starts as a 10 day cleanse ( which isn't bad because, unlike other cleanses, you can actually eat!!) and then the last 14 days are all about replacing all the vitamins and nutrients in your body as well as losing inches. While taking the all-natural supplements and stuff that comes with the challenge, they suggest you mostly follow clean eating guidelines.

I have tried just about every diet out there, as I have fought with my weight all my life. Weight Watchers didn't work for me, even though it worked for my mother and sister. I've had personal trainers, dietitians; you name it, I've probably done it! However, clean eating, weight lifting, and (of course) cardio have done wonders. Advocare really helped me to learn how to eat clean and gave me the huge jump start I needed to stay motivated.

Like I said, some might think it's a little expensive (If I remember correctly, it's somewhere around $180.00) But many of my friends and family, as well as myself, swear by it!

It's worth looking into There are different videos and there is lots of information on their website if you are interested.

Keep working at it though! I completely understand how frustrated you are, as I have been there before, and (I'm sure) I will be again. You have time!!! So keep working!

MandyandDJB · July 2013

xcalygrl said:

@MandyandDJB- yeah, no. We don't support fad diets like the one you mentioned. Anything that starts with a cleanse is a huge red flag. Your body is built to cleanse itself, no 'cleansing' diets required. Eat healthy, unprocessed foods, do cardio, and strength train. That is the secret, not some advocare product.

^^ I completely agree with that. Just a friendly suggestion.

Two months out, feeling hopeless

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