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Sad News- Wondering how to handle it

OneLuckyNurseOneLuckyNurse member
First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
in Snarky Brides

I'm fairly new on here (long time lurker thought) and am starting to post more often. I don't really where to put this so I decided on here. You ladies always have good advice.

Just this week my Mom got called into the Dr. early for results from a test (never a good sign). What we feared was true; she has endometrial cancer. We see the surgeon on Wed. and are expected a quick surgery date due to how progressive the cancer seemed in initial pathology. I'm a nurse and live with my parents right now so I plan on taking time off of work to be with her for the surgery/ recovery. My mom has a great attitude and is handling it well. I'm doing ok but am having my moments (crying in my FI sholder so I can be upbeat and positive for my mom later). My mom has been extra focused on the wedding planning the last few days (we're doing a lot of DIY early so its not stressful at the end). She says that she loves having the wedding to focus on to keep her happy, encouraged and distracted. I'm having a hard time focusing with her because all I want to do is focus on her. My Mom is much more important to me then finding the right DJ or whatever. I'm trying to figure out how to still work on the wedding (because she wants to). Just kinda lost.  When we work on wedding stuff in the back of my mind (or front of my mind) all I can think of is how terrified I am  that my Mom wont be there.

Thank you for reading. I think I just needed to vent a bit. When I do it with my loved ones in person it is much harder because I can see their sadness too and always start to cry. If anyone has advice or went through a similar situation during their own wedding planning I would love to hear your thoughts/ experiences. If you are of the praying kind, send one out for her. Thanks

 

 

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Re: Sad News- Wondering how to handle it

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    MobKazMobKaz member
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    I'm sorry to hear of your mom's illness.

    Forgive me if my words are clumsy.  I don't mean to speak for your mom, but I am hoping the way in which I write my thoughts help to make my points clear.

    Your mom does not want to become the illness.  She wants to be mom, first and foremost, who is currently battling an illness.  She does not want people to see the illness first, and then her.

    Distractions are absolutely going to help her mind and body.  She needs to feel productive, useful, and valuable.  When mom throws herself into a project or other distraction, it is her respite from the illness.  Forgive me for saying this, and as a nurse you will understand....there will be days she will be fully aware of her illness because of the way she feels.  On other days, those distractions will be a godsend for her.  You may have to gauge which days she can take on more or less, but absolutely try to honor her goal of keeping busy.
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    kmmssgkmmssg mod
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    I, too, hope my words aren't clumsy.  My most wonderful MIL had the BRCA gene and lost her fight with breast cancer as did her mom and grandmother.  When she was fighting (and I hope your mom is a brave winning warrior!) she wanted to be looked at and treated as "mom".  It was incredibly important to her that NO ONE rob her of her time to take care of her family, be the matriarch, and just do what she always did.  She was incredibly offended when people looked at her and saw a cancer patient instead of mom.

    Stop looking at your mom as a cancer patient and look at her as mom who is fighting cancer.  She is fighting to maintain the things that are important to her and to not be the pitiful cancer patient.  Help her do that.

    I hope my words weren't too stern or heartless because they were not at all meant to be.  I wish you all the best in your travel down this road.
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    Chipmunk415Chipmunk415 member
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    I'm so sorry for your family and what you are dealing with. I'm keeping your family and your mom in my prayers. Unless you object, I will ask my mom (a fellow nurse) and my grandmother (a woman with a direct red phone line to Heaven) to include you, your mom, and your family in theirs as well.

     

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    elizabethelevenelizabetheleven member
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    We just found out my grandmother has progressive kidney cancer. The cancer cells have traveled into her lungs. She just went through surgery to remove her kidney and after only 2 days of being home, had to rush back to the ER with blood clots in her legs.

    Whenever I visit her all she wants to talk about is the wedding. It helps distract her and like others have mentioned,i can tell she doesn't want this to define her. She spends a lot of time online trying to find a dress while at the hospital.

    I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. I know how hard it is. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I'm sorry to hear that, OneLucky. PPs are right, when someone gets a diagnosis like that, they want to keep on as normally as possible. 

    A several years ago, my mom had breast cancer and my dad prostate cancer more or less overlapping each other. I had just graduated college and turned down my job offers to move home and help them. They were both really open and honest about their prognoses and talking about the illness, but asked that we just keep living as normal so it wouldn't define them or consume all conversation (i.e. there's more to them than this disease). I was a total wreck worrying about them, but followed their lead and stayed strong for them. It's hard, but you have to be strong for your mom right now. She'll appreciate it more than you know.
    *********************************************************************************

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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this. I agree with PPs. Just be there for your mom and let her take the lead on this. If she wants to be all about the wedding, then do your best to be all about it right along with her so she can carry on as normal the best she can. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    rel1988rel1988 member
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    My dad was just diagnosed with cancer a month ago. On top of all the wedding planning, I understand how overwhelming it can be. My dad made the decision to put off his sugery until after the wedding. I disagreed with him, but ultimately realized it was his choice as he wanted to enjoy my wedding to its fullest extent, not in discomfort from having invasive surgery.

    I agree with PP's. Don't focus on your mom's illness. Yes she is fighting a battle, but just like my dad I'm sure she doesn't want you to dwell on it. Be grateful she is willing and able to help you with all your planning. Thinking of you and your mom in this difficult time!

     

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    OneLuckyNurseOneLuckyNurse member
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    Thank you everyone for your responses. All of the answers came across as caring and helpful. Thank you so much for including my family in your prayers. Your thoughts are extremely true. My Mom does just want to do normal Mom things. I just felt guilt that we were focusing on "me" instead of her, but my wedding isn't about me. Its about my FI and I starting a life together and joining our families. And that makes my Mom happy. While I know there will be good and bad days, envisioning the wedding may help her see happy days in her future :) She is not her illness, she is my Mom. Thank you for the reminder to not smother... I'm a nurse, I like to fix sick people so sometimes its hard to step back and just be there.  Thank you all again!

     

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    winelover123winelover123 member
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    I'm so sorry. Virtual hugs!
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    harper0813harper0813 member
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    I just wanted chime in and say how sorry I am that you're going through this and you, your mom and your whole family are in my thoughts.

    I completely agree with PPs that the joy of your wedding and all of the planning involved will probably be very therapeutic for her. I'd imagine she's looking to maintain normalcy rather than succumb to the "cancer patient" label. This will probably be great for her spirits. I'm glad to hear that your fiancé is a great support for you. Let him continue to be that support so that you can have a wonderful time wedding-planning with your mom.
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    manateehuggermanateehugger member
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    I don't have much to add to the excellent advice above. Just wanted to let you know that I'll keep your mom and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
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    mrstobe2014mrstobe2014 member
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    PDKH said:
    I don't have much to add to the excellent advice above. Just wanted to let you know that I'll keep your mom and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
    Ditto. Praying for good reports from surgeons, and good recovery.

    I hate cancer.
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    katandsteve09202014katandsteve09202014
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    Best wishes to all of the folks having family health concerns.  

    We pushed our wedding back a year because of the line of duty deaths of two close friends. They were Kat's coworkers at the ambulance service; I (Steve) am also a former EMT and consider both Tim and Cody friends and brothers.  We had just started getting some planning out of the way when the crash happened and obviously that put us out of the mood to do anything related to the happiness of a wedding.  The decision was made to push it back a year because we felt we had more important things to do in taking care of our friends and family.  

    Obviously, this is not really applicable if you have a sick relative who wants to make sure that they can attend but make sure you let them know that their well-being and happiness is more important to you than your wedding because after all, they are family.  A wedding is an important celebration of family (both biological and otherwise) so it should not be something that adds salt to the wound of a cancer diagnosis.  Let them know how much you love them and be there for them.  Do that and it will make the ceremony when it happens all the more meaningful.  

    Just my two cents.....I could be wrong.
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