Now the booger channel - formerly my post about a flakey bridesmaid

AllyIdo · July 2013

Can you count on her to buy the dress and show up on the day? If so, go ahead. If not, don't.

MayDay513 · July 2013

nasia09 said:

I have a friend that i'm very close with despite not seeing each other as much as we'd like. I want to ask her to be a bridesmaid but i'm starting to have doubts about...it's something that has been on my mind every day now for the past few days. She's pretty flakey. She's always late to things. She makes plans and then either "forgets" or will make plans with someone else before or after we are getting together and then is late for our plans. She knows she's like this too but to her it's a joke, to me it's annoying. She's also one of those people that always has her cell phone on her but when you text her about your plans with her she doesn't get back to you for at least a half hour. She did my hair for a wedding that I was the maid of honor in and wasn't at her house when she said she would be, took forever doing my hair because every strand had to be perfect making me almost an hour late to the brides house. I was the last one to get my make-up done, I felt awful!! I am not like that at all! I do NOT want to be stressed over someone being on time to my house to get ready and take pictures the day of my wedding. That is the last thing I need. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should ask her and be straight up with her about her antics or not ask her at all. My fiance is already a little annoyed because he had 6 grooms men and I only had 5 bridesmaid so he had to cut 1 guy. If I cut her, he may have to cut another guy and he won't be happy at all. Luckily, we haven't asked everyone to be in the wedding yet. To make things worse, I have 2 cousins I could put in (not use my flakey friend) and bring the total to 6 to make him happy but their mom and my mom aren't getting along at the moment. What should I do?! Help!!

You don't need to have the same amount of bridesmaids and groomsmen. Also cutting her as a bridesmaid may adversely effect your relationship. Are you going to be ok with that?

manateehugger · July 2013

Please don't shove people in and out of your wedding party to have even sides. Symmetrical photos are as important as your friends and family. I bet that groomsman feels like shit.

Just ask her if you want her up there. If she can get the dress and be there, she's done her job.

Koukla509 · July 2013

That groomsman wasn't asked to be in the wedding and then asked to not be in the wedding. He was just cut from his list.

manateehugger · July 2013

Doesn't mean he still wouldn't feel like shit if he knew he got cut from the list so you could have pretty photos.

ChellaTims · July 2013

I hate to admit that I'm the "flakey" kind of friend. I'm very forgetful, always late or way too early but for a friends wedding or my best friends wedding in which I'm th MOH there's no way I'm going to be flakey at all. There's no way I would be late for such an important day.

You could always do what my fiance and our friends do and give her a time of 15-45 minutes earlier than everyone else so that she'll be on time. I think it's so funny when they do it, especially because my fiance started doing it very early in our relationship and I knew he had figured me out!

Viczaesar · July 2013

nasia09 said:

That groomsman wasn't asked to be in the wedding and then asked to not be in the wedding. He was just cut from his list.

It's still a shitty thing to do.

MayDay513 · July 2013

I have a friend like that. I came to terms with it. When we hang out it's fantastic and I love her but it's not fun waiting 45 min for her to show up is not fun. She wasn't in my WP but she was invited to all the wedding events (bridal shower, bachelorette party and of course wedding), and guess what she was only late to bach party. She tried really hard to be on time and I appreciate her efforts. But there is no way I could have dealt with that on top of wedding planning stress.

Jen4948 · July 2013

If you ask her, realize that she's not going to lose her flakiness for you or your wedding. You'll have to decide if your closeness is such that it's okay with you to have a person with these qualities in your wedding and if you do, whether or not you want to accommodate it.

AddieCake · July 2013

If you have to hem and haw over who to ask to be in your wedding party, you're doing it wrong.

Koukla509 · July 2013

I did think about just telling her an earlier time than everyone else to avoid the issue. I most likely will end up asking her but we'll just have to see how it goes. I really just don't want to be stressed.

I don't know what all the backlash is about, it is a pretty normal thing to have an even amount of people in the bridal party. Please keep the rudeness to yourself.

MayDay513 · July 2013

nasia09 said:

I did think about just telling her an earlier time than everyone else to avoid the issue. I most likely will end up asking her but we'll just have to see how it goes. I really just don't want to be stressed.
I don't know what all the backlash is about, it is a pretty normal thing to have an even amount of people in the bridal party. Please keep the rudeness to yourself.

Who was rude? Dang I missed it.

manateehugger · July 2013

nasia09 said:

I did think about just telling her an earlier time than everyone else to avoid the issue. I most likely will end up asking her but we'll just have to see how it goes. I really just don't want to be stressed.

I don't know what all the backlash is about, it is a pretty normal thing to have an even amount of people in the bridal party. Please keep the rudeness to yourself.

What's rude is cutting friends because you want pretty photos. It's also normal to have your nearest and dearest stand next to you on your wedding day without regard to how things will look.

Just tell her an earlier time. She should know that your wedding is a day to not be late. Honestly, when I've been a bridesmaid before the bride usually asks us to show up before the picture/hair/makeup time anyway just so we can all regroup a bit before things start rolling.

monkeysip · July 2013

My maid of honor is kind of a flaky friend. She doesn't just not show or cancel plans (I agree with Lia, I wouldn't be friends with someone who did that). But she IS perpetually late and always pushes things off to the last minute.

But it was important to me to have her there, and she ordered her dress in time, picked it up and had it altered, showed up to get her hair/make-up done the morning of, and got to the ceremony 30 minutes early. I was so glad I asked her because even though she can be flaky, I was important enough to her to make sure the necessary things got done. Now she didn't plan any pre-wedding parties, but I also didn't expect her (or ANYONE) to do so (although she did take me on a last minute trip somewhere just the two of us, which was a lot of fun!)

My point is, if you're expecting a lot from your bridesmaids, then don't ask her. If you just want them to get the dress and show up on time, then if she's a good friend, I'm sure she'll do at least that. If you're really concerned that she won't even show up on time, then don't ask her at all.

And I agree with pps about the even sides. We didn't have even sides, and it was fine. I have absolutely no idea where people got this weird idea that their sides need to be even. Just choose who you want to stand next to you while you say your vows!

Koukla509 · July 2013

I am having 2 junior bridesmaids that will be 9 years old by then...I didn't think it would be appropriate to have them paired with with someone in their mid 30's to have him added but everyone will probably think i'm wrong on that too. My entire bridal party isn't an even amount of people anyway...2 junior bridesmaids, 2 ring bearers and 1 flower girl...I just wanted the bridesmaids and groomsmen evenly paired.

manateehugger · July 2013

nasia09 said:

I am having 2 junior bridesmaids that will be 9 years old by then...I didn't think it would be appropriate to have them paired with with someone in their mid 30's to have him added but everyone will probably think i'm wrong on that too. My entire bridal party isn't an even amount of people anyway...2 junior bridesmaids, 2 ring bearers and 1 flower girl...I just wanted the bridesmaids and groomsmen evenly paired.

If there are two of them, they can walk by themselves together.

WHY do you need the BM and GM evenly paired? If you can give a reason beyond aesthetics, I'll leave you alone.

AddieCake · July 2013

The only people who need to be paired up are the bride and groom. Nobody gives a damn how the bridal party walks back up the aisle or into the reception or anything.

Xstatic3333 · July 2013

A couple of my BMs are on the flaky side, but I trust them to make it to the wedding and just decided before I asked that if they flaked out on other events I wouldn't let it bother me.

I do second PPs; it sounds like you may not want to ask this girl, which is fine, but please let your FI ask whoever he wants. If your younger BMs would prefer not to be escorted by an adult (I was very shy and may have felt that way, although lots of 9 year olds wouldn't care) then just have one or two BM escorted by two GM or have people walk in and out solo. You only get one shot at your WP so you both should be surrounded by those closest to you.

ETA uh oh, a flagging spree occurred while I was trying to be helpful!

[Deleted User] · July 2013

@Viczaesar @Liatris2010 @PDKH Your flagged posts do not violate TOS. I'll reach out the user.

Viczaesar · July 2013

Ooh, my abuse flag cherry was finally popped, and over that? How anticlimactic, and how very like first times in general...

Koukla509 · July 2013

I appreciate the advice from those of you that made your points without being obnoxious. It helps a lot!

cmiles89 · July 2013

I think you know what you're going to do and what feels right to you. You may have to put up with a little more stress from asking her to be in the WP, but there are ways to deal with that: communication and communication. Sit her down when you ask her and really emphasize how important it is to you that she keep up her end of the bargain. Maybe ask one of your BM who knows her to be her "handler"? I don't know what kind of backlash I'll get from that suggestion, I'm scared... Seriously though, it may not be a bad idea to have someone in charge of triple checking this girl knows the timing and all that. Think about it.

Also, I'm fairly sure I'll have uneven sides at my wedding, unless I ask girls who aren't very important to me. My FI has at least 5 friends that are special and should be up there, and at least 1 brother. I have maybe 3. If anyone so much as blinks funny at the uneven sides I'll wallop them with my bouquet...

monkeysip · July 2013

Some people, especially my MIL, were just flabbergasted that we had uneven sides.

They kept asking, "But how are they going to walk down if they're not paired up??"

Meanwhile, all of our wedding party members were happy they didn't have to hold arms with someone they didn't know that well and walk down the aisle.

smalfrie19 · July 2013

monkeysip said:

Some people, especially my MIL, were just flabbergasted that we had uneven sides.

They kept asking, "But how are they going to walk down if they're not paired up??"

Meanwhile, all of our wedding party members were happy they didn't have to hold arms with someone they didn't know that well and walk down the aisle.

My response would have been "One foot infront of the other...duhh"

Koukla509 · July 2013

jss0302 I flagged you? I don't remember doing that

manateehugger · July 2013

Careful Lia. Asking for her reasoning apparently is a flaggable offense

Koukla509 · July 2013

I had thought that also @monkeysip...about the awkwardness of holding arms with someone you don't really know. I could always have the 6th walk out with the last 2 bridesmaids or alone.

I'm not this evil fiancé that asked her fiancé to cut a groomsmen to have the bridal party evenly paired. I said I thought of 5 girls, he said he had 6 but could make it 5 and that was it. That's just what I'm used to and preferred but I will talk to him about going with his original 6 guys... I wouldn't want one of my good friends excluded for that. I just wanted to get other opinions, not backlash.

AllieBear725 · July 2013

PDKH said:

nasia09 said:

I am having 2 junior bridesmaids that will be 9 years old by then...I didn't think it would be appropriate to have them paired with with someone in their mid 30's to have him added but everyone will probably think i'm wrong on that too. My entire bridal party isn't an even amount of people anyway...2 junior bridesmaids, 2 ring bearers and 1 flower girl...I just wanted the bridesmaids and groomsmen evenly paired.

If there are two of them, they can walk by themselves together.

WHY do you need the BM and GM evenly paired? If you can give a reason beyond aesthetics, I'll leave you alone.

@PDKH, you're on a flag role lately.

Listen, OP. I promise you that nobody is going to care if your sides are even or who walks with who down the isle. Let your FI choose his groomsmen, and you choose your BMs. I have an extremely flaky BM in my WP, but I chose her anyway because I wanted her to stand up with me. It's really not rocket science.

AllieBear725 · July 2013

I would hardly call it backlash dear. People are giving you honest opinions and telling you that your idea is terribly rude. I consider that being helpful before you make a mistake and offend someone who isn't on a wedding board. These kinds of things could ruin friendships.

manateehugger · July 2013

See if you had posted your second paragraph from the beginning, everyone would have left you alone about the even sides. Instead you said it was normal and flagged everyone.

They don't have to walk arm in arm at all. They can walk single file or they can just walk next to each other.

Now the booger channel - formerly my post about a flakey bridesmaid

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