Been Thinking a Lot Lately...

psychbabe314 · July 2013

Hi! I just joined here because of some recent discussion I have had with my boyfriend, but they really have got me thinking...

My BF and I have been discussing things a lot lately, especially with graduation looming around the corner (Spring 2014!). We have already discussed it and I know he wants to propose to me after we both graduate this year. I don't know when, or where, but at this point it seem like it will happen. He has even told me that I should just leave out pictures of rings I like around my apartment! But... the first thing is that I never expected to get get engaged/let alone married! All of my life, I was so against the idea. My parents have a terrible marriage and I have always thought that I would never want to be in a situation such as theirs, but at the same time I do love my BF. We have been dating for almost 1 1/2 years (writing it down, makes it seem like such a short time). I just feel so nervous now that things are getting serious. Now... I may be a bit young (21), but I will be 22 when we get engaged (expected engagement anyways :-P). And then he will be out of the country for a year, possibly 2 years. So the wedding would not be until I was probably 23 or older... It does feel a bit young.

I don't know... I love him to death, but I am starting to get nervous about such a commitment. Does this just sound like stress? Finishing up college, starting to apply to real jobs, friends panicking about "the real world" almost every time I talk to them... I want to just sit back and enjoy the ride! But... it is really hard to do this week when every conversation I seem to get into is about the future.

Sorry it was so long! :-)

AprilH81 · July 2013

Tell him that. Tell him that SOMEDAY you want to get married but you want to make sure you are both ready (financially and emotionally) before you get engaged.

KeptInStitches · July 2013

Would you and your BF be open to counseling as well? Either individual counseling or couples counseling could help you sort this out.

psychbabe314 · July 2013

AprilH81 said:

Tell him that. Tell him that SOMEDAY you want to get married but you want to make sure you are both ready (financially and emotionally) before you get engaged.

I have expressed some concern about it and he has said that he is nervous too. Basically, we have agreed that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. I guess my other question is that will all of this go away once I am engaged? Will I feel more secure? I mean, that is what I think is scaring me the most right now, but it could be the stress from finishing college. Marriage does not have to come right away. People are engaged for years! So, I wouldn't have to rush it right?

psychbabe314 · July 2013

KeptInStitches said:

Would you and your BF be open to counseling as well? Either individual counseling or couples counseling could help you sort this out.

It would be something to look into. I am big into counseling as I am a psych student, but I don't know if that would be something he would be into. We are very open with each other and we discuss everything. I've discussed things with my personal counselor and the most I can get is that it sounds like this is all stemming from stress from getting ready to graduate and from watching my own parents relationship for all of these years (unfortunately they are still together).

AprilH81 · July 2013

Tell him you at least want to wait until you both have stable jobs before you get engaged (or whatever point in time makes you feel comfortable). You can still have a long engagement if you want to.

Make sure your BF knows that a big part of your stress/fear/nerves comes from watching your parents unhappy marriage and you want to make sure that history doesn't repeat itself. It sounds like he is aware of the problem but maybe not how big of a problem it really is.

Make sure you talk to your counselor about your feelings about marriage in general and maybe your BF can come with you to a session or two to talk about how your relationship is/will be different.

psychbabe314 · July 2013

April, I probably will talk to my counselor more. I have such conflicting feelings on all of it. Some days I feel as if I am ready for us to get engaged, other days I feel panicky. I think another sit down may be what we need. If I ask him, I bet he would come.

I am pretty sure he has a good idea about how big of a problem watching my parents affects our relationship. We almost weren't in a relationship because of my fears. But, he won :-) and I am glad he did. He really has made me so happy during our relationship. I can't even imagine my life without him now.

bethsmiles · July 2013

There is never any harm in waiting. My BF and I have been together for almost 5 years. We have pretty much always known we would get married someday but we didn't want to rush into a commitment as huge as marriage. We love each other very much but we also know that there are certain things we need to happen before we feel comfortable getting married. With the recent talks we've had I think we'll be 24 when we finally do get married (we've been together since we were 18). We could've gotten married sooner but we both wanted to feel 100% confident about getting married.

From your post it sounds like you aren't ready to take a step as big as marriage right now, with so much going on in your life - which is a perfectly valid way to feel! You definitely shouldn't get married until you feel you are ready and I don't think getting engaged is going to change your feelings at all. And if the wedding wouldn't be for a few years anyway I don't really see the point in getting engaged right now.

I agree with April, that its important to let your BF know about your concerns regarding your parents marriage and not wanting to end up in a similar situation. I would also suggest going to couples counseling and discussing that fear and learning how you can prevent your relationship from becoming like your parents.

Even if you are open and have great communication it can be extremely helpful to get an outsider, non-biased, third-party opinion. You don't have to go to counseling just when relationship problems arise, in fact I would say that going to counseling in order to avoid potential problems all together is a much wiser move than waiting for things to go wrong.

Have you told your BF how you are feeling about getting engaged and married?

Peaseblossom55 · July 2013

I don't think there should be any rush to get engaged. Why don't you enjoy the rest of college and then settle into permanent jobs before discussing being engaged. That make may you feel less overwhelmed about the future and marriage in general.

psychbabe314 · July 2013

bethsmiles said:

There is never any harm in waiting. My BF and I have been together for almost 5 years. We have pretty much always known we would get married someday but we didn't want to rush into a commitment as huge as marriage. We love each other very much but we also know that there are certain things we need to happen before we feel comfortable getting married. With the recent talks we've had I think we'll be 24 when we finally do get married (we've been together since we were 18). We could've gotten married sooner but we both wanted to feel 100% confident about getting married.

From your post it sounds like you aren't ready to take a step as big as marriage right now, with so much going on in your life - which is a perfectly valid way to feel! You definitely shouldn't get married until you feel you are ready and I don't think getting engaged is going to change your feelings at all. And if the wedding wouldn't be for a few years anyway I don't really see the point in getting engaged right now.

I agree with April, that its important to let your BF know about your concerns regarding your parents marriage and not wanting to end up in a similar situation. I would also suggest going to couples counseling and discussing that fear and learning how you can prevent your relationship from becoming like your parents.

Even if you are open and have great communication it can be extremely helpful to get an outsider, non-biased, third-party opinion. You don't have to go to counseling just when relationship problems arise, in fact I would say that going to counseling in order to avoid potential problems all together is a much wiser move than waiting for things to go wrong.

Have you told your BF how you are feeling about getting engaged and married?

Yes. I have told him I am excited and scared. I have told him that I love him and I want to get engaged, but I'm afraid of being married. I have told him that I know in my heart that my parent's relationship won't repeat with us, I know that I love him because he not only makes me feel special and beautiful but because he is all of the things I miss about my dad, all of the things that I use to love about my dad, before he changed. He is none of the bad in my dad, but all of the good.

Wow... I might have teared up a little bit writing this :-P

phira · July 2013

What I'm getting from your posts is basically this: you love your boyfriend, and sometimes the thought of being engaged and married soon gives you good butterflies, but you want to wait until you're older and until you've been together longer to make a bigger commitment.

Finishing college, living on my own, paying bills and paying off student loans, and starting "adult life" was incredibly valuable for me, in terms of maturity and in terms of my needs in a relationship. You don't have to break up with your boyfriend just because you met when you were still young-ish. But if you're going to be a great couple in a few years, then there's no problem waiting anyway. It gives you time to explore your relationship outside of college.

I had a friend who got engaged to her college boyfriend during our senior year. They broke up two years later (she ended the engagement after one year and then the relationship after another), and it was devastating for her. One of the reasons it took so long for her to end a relationship she wasn't happy with was that they were engaged.

My partner and I have been planning to get engaged within the next couple of months. However, this summer, we've been fighting a LOT, and I told him that I wanted to wait until we'd started couples therapy before going ahead with the engagement as planned. He was very hurt about it, but in the end, I stood by that decision--if we kept fighting, and it became time to end the relationship, it would be much, much harder to do if we were already engaged. We've started counseling now, and the fighting has gotten MUCH better (e.g. less fighting, and when we fight, it's not as bad), so I feel much better about getting engaged.

CLoGreenEyes · July 2013

psychbabe314 said:

AprilH81 said:

Tell him that. Tell him that SOMEDAY you want to get married but you want to make sure you are both ready (financially and emotionally) before you get engaged.

I have expressed some concern about it and he has said that he is nervous too. Basically, we have agreed that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. I guess my other question is that will all of this go away once I am engaged? Will I feel more secure? I mean, that is what I think is scaring me the most right now, but it could be the stress from finishing college. Marriage does not have to come right away. People are engaged for years! So, I wouldn't have to rush it right?

To answer the bolded, I don't think that much changes when you get engaged (says a woman who is not engaged yet, haha). You agree to get married. Your feelings about the other person or your relationship won't change all that much just because you agree to get married and start planning a wedding. So don't count on an engagement to make you feel any more comfortable with the idea.

So how has your BF reacted when you tell him how you feel about your family, your relationship, and getting engaged/married? Has he been supportive or has he been trying to change your mind? I think you have legitimate reasons for wanting to wait a while to get engaged, both for very practical reasons as well as ones that are more emotional and personal. I would think that he would be willing to take the time and do it right by going to counseling with you and just generally being patient, even if that's not his usual cup of tea.

I would also ask him if maybe you could delay the future talks for a while. I know that's the thing that gets me feeling crazy - when BF brings it up, my mind starts churning and I want our circumstances to be totally different. So I don't talk about it and ask him not to either, unless it is something kind of specific and limited. It works pretty well to keep both of us patient and steady.

psychbabe314 · July 2013

phira said:

What I'm getting from your posts is basically this: you love your boyfriend, and sometimes the thought of being engaged and married soon gives you good butterflies, but you want to wait until you're older and until you've been together longer to make a bigger commitment.

Finishing college, living on my own, paying bills and paying off student loans, and starting "adult life" was incredibly valuable for me, in terms of maturity and in terms of my needs in a relationship. You don't have to break up with your boyfriend just because you met when you were still young-ish. But if you're going to be a great couple in a few years, then there's no problem waiting anyway. It gives you time to explore your relationship outside of college.

I had a friend who got engaged to her college boyfriend during our senior year. They broke up two years later (she ended the engagement after one year and then the relationship after another), and it was devastating for her. One of the reasons it took so long for her to end a relationship she wasn't happy with was that they were engaged.

My partner and I have been planning to get engaged within the next couple of months. However, this summer, we've been fighting a LOT, and I told him that I wanted to wait until we'd started couples therapy before going ahead with the engagement as planned. He was very hurt about it, but in the end, I stood by that decision--if we kept fighting, and it became time to end the relationship, it would be much, much harder to do if we were already engaged. We've started counseling now, and the fighting has gotten MUCH better (e.g. less fighting, and when we fight, it's not as bad), so I feel much better about getting engaged.

I guess I have a lot of thinking to do. I don't necessarily know if being older is what is bothering me (another thing to work out with my counselor I guess). We have not lived together yet either (something else that makes me jumpy) and we will only be able to live together for 3 short months before he goes abroad to teach English for a year. We have already discussed it and decided that I will not be going with him. I want to stay in the states and get my teaching license. I guess, when he first brought up getting engaged I had an idea about how it would be and now things are not going the way I had thought they would(i.e. living together then getting engaged then planning a wedding together). We are not living together to respect his parent's wishes. We almost did this year. I can live without that, but only living together for 3 months... after getting engaged? that is a little scary for me. What if I can't stand living with him?... we do spend a ton of time together, but that is not the same as living together. The longest we have stayed together would be a the 13 days that he spent at my place between his apartment rentals this summer. It was so much fun! But, in my experience it takes at least 6 months to really get to know someone.

psychbabe314 · July 2013

Amapola14 said:

psychbabe314 said:

AprilH81 said:

Tell him that. Tell him that SOMEDAY you want to get married but you want to make sure you are both ready (financially and emotionally) before you get engaged.

I have expressed some concern about it and he has said that he is nervous too. Basically, we have agreed that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. I guess my other question is that will all of this go away once I am engaged? Will I feel more secure? I mean, that is what I think is scaring me the most right now, but it could be the stress from finishing college. Marriage does not have to come right away. People are engaged for years! So, I wouldn't have to rush it right?

To answer the bolded, I don't think that much changes when you get engaged (says a woman who is not engaged yet, haha). You agree to get married. Your feelings about the other person or your relationship won't change all that much just because you agree to get married and start planning a wedding. So don't count on an engagement to make you feel any more comfortable with the idea.

So how has your BF reacted when you tell him how you feel about your family, your relationship, and getting engaged/married? Has he been supportive or has he been trying to change your mind? I think you have legitimate reasons for wanting to wait a while to get engaged, both for very practical reasons as well as ones that are more emotional and personal. I would think that he would be willing to take the time and do it right by going to counseling with you and just generally being patient, even if that's not his usual cup of tea.

I would also ask him if maybe you could delay the future talks for a while. I know that's the thing that gets me feeling crazy - when BF brings it up, my mind starts churning and I want our circumstances to be totally different. So I don't talk about it and ask him not to either, unless it is something kind of specific and limited. It works pretty well to keep both of us patient and steady.

He was very supportive about my concerns and has told me that if I'm not ready, then we can wait. But, at the same time I want to get engaged. And we could delay future talks, but lately we have to discuss this a lot since he is applying to a program to teach abroad for a year. This will affect our relationship a lot, so we have been discussing this on a regular basis. Just stuff such as how to keep in touch, visiting him while he is gone, what I want to do while he is gone, how will this affect our relationship, how will we change during that time, etc.

bethsmiles · July 2013

psychbabe314 said:

phira said:

What I'm getting from your posts is basically this: you love your boyfriend, and sometimes the thought of being engaged and married soon gives you good butterflies, but you want to wait until you're older and until you've been together longer to make a bigger commitment.

Finishing college, living on my own, paying bills and paying off student loans, and starting "adult life" was incredibly valuable for me, in terms of maturity and in terms of my needs in a relationship. You don't have to break up with your boyfriend just because you met when you were still young-ish. But if you're going to be a great couple in a few years, then there's no problem waiting anyway. It gives you time to explore your relationship outside of college.

I had a friend who got engaged to her college boyfriend during our senior year. They broke up two years later (she ended the engagement after one year and then the relationship after another), and it was devastating for her. One of the reasons it took so long for her to end a relationship she wasn't happy with was that they were engaged.

My partner and I have been planning to get engaged within the next couple of months. However, this summer, we've been fighting a LOT, and I told him that I wanted to wait until we'd started couples therapy before going ahead with the engagement as planned. He was very hurt about it, but in the end, I stood by that decision--if we kept fighting, and it became time to end the relationship, it would be much, much harder to do if we were already engaged. We've started counseling now, and the fighting has gotten MUCH better (e.g. less fighting, and when we fight, it's not as bad), so I feel much better about getting engaged.

I guess I have a lot of thinking to do. I don't necessarily know if being older is what is bothering me (another thing to work out with my counselor I guess). We have not lived together yet either (something else that makes me jumpy) and we will only be able to live together for 3 short months before he goes abroad to teach English for a year. We have already discussed it and decided that I will not be going with him. I want to stay in the states and get my teaching license. I guess, when he first brought up getting engaged I had an idea about how it would be and now things are not going the way I had thought they would(i.e. living together then getting engaged then planning a wedding together). We are not living together to respect his parent's wishes. We almost did this year. I can live without that, but only living together for 3 months... after getting engaged? that is a little scary for me. What if I can't stand living with him?... we do spend a ton of time together, but that is not the same as living together. The longest we have stayed together would be a the 13 days that he spent at my place between his apartment rentals this summer. It was so much fun! But, in my experience it takes at least 6 months to really get to know someone.

Whether or not you are going to live together before marriage is a decision that should be made 100% by you and your BF. His parents feelings shouldn't have anything to do with it.

It sounds like living together before marriage is something you want. If it is then maybe that is the next step you and your BF should be talking about and them you can discuss getting engaged and married after you have taken that step.

You could plan to move in together after he gets back from his year abroad and then begin any discussions of getting engaged then.

I still don't understand the point of getting engaged now if you wouldn't be getting married for a few years anyway. Why not wait?

CLoGreenEyes · July 2013

psychbabe314 said:
He was very supportive about my concerns and has told me that if I'm not ready, then we can wait. But, at the same time I want to get engaged. And we could delay future talks, but lately we have to discuss this a lot since he is applying to a program to teach abroad for a year. This will affect our relationship a lot, so we have been discussing this on a regular basis. Just stuff such as how to keep in touch, visiting him while he is gone, what I want to do while he is gone, how will this affect our relationship, how will we change during that time, etc.

This kind of future-talk is totally legit! Sorry, I wasn't clear on that - obviously y'all need to know how you're going to handle this big (and exciting!) change. I just mean taking it one step at a time instead five at a time, you know?

It sounds like either a long engagement or just waiting a few years to get engaged would be the way to go. But absolutely waiting to tie the knot is never wrong. Maybe if you decide to get engaged around graduation, you can agree that before actually marrying you will accomplish x, y, and z - for example, the living together thing and working out any differences that come up during that.

loves2shop4shoes · July 2013

I got engaged at 22.

I was dating my H for 3 years when he proposed. And frankly, I was too young to get engaged. Don't get me wrong. I love my H. We have a great relationship. I have no regrets about marrying him. But I think back to how I was at 22...and I was a bit immature for an engagement.

Then again, we had a 2 year engagement. And when I got married at 24, I didn't feel in any way unprepared for marriage. We were together 5 years at that point.

We've been married for almost a year now. And we're very happy. Our relationship is strong, healthy, and happy.

The thing is...if you feel like you're rushing, be honest with your BF about it. There's nothing wrong with taking things slowly. You don't have to jump to the next phase of your relationship just because you're entering the next phase of your life (post-college). If he's the one, he'll be the one in another year, or two, or 20. Wait until you feel confident in your decision to get married.

Swazzle · July 2013

psychbabe314 said:
Screen Name: psychbabe314
Age: 21
Significant Other's Age: 22
What You Do: Student, Sell Paint
What SO Does: Student, Five Guy's
State of Relationship: Hopefully engaged by this time next year!
How Long You've Been Together: 0 days, We were going to, but some things came up.
How You Met: Our favorite Hookah Bar
Wedding Date (if you're engaged/married): N/A
Real Babies: N/A
Fur Babies: Cookie, my baby. She is my 12 year old Shih-Tzu and I have had her since she was 12 weeks old.
Loves: Cooking, Baking, Reading, Video Games, Writing, Riding Horses
Hates: Crayola Pink and Yellow... actually, almost any shade of pink!
Pet Peeves: I know I have some... just can't think of any at the moment
Hobbies/Activities: I try to sew my own Halloween costume every year, riding horses/learning to train horses, reading
Favorite Thing About Your SO: His eyes, how he makes me laugh, he treats me like the most beautiful girl in the world
Least Favorite Thing About Your SO: How he can sometimes be insecure
Describe Your Personality: I am typically well-liked by most of the people I know. I am friendly, almost to a fault (work in retail and you may know what I mean). Most of the time I am pretty quiet, but I am slowly becoming more and more vocal about my opinions. I am shy at first, but can also be the first one to say hello. It just depends on the situation!
Snark Level (1 [low snark] - 10 [high snark]): I would say 4, average?
I've Been On TK Since: A few weeks, I just joined today but I have been browsing for a bit
How You Came to Be On TK: ran across it online
How I like my potatoes: cut up, coat in olive oil, sea salt, and some creole seasoning before baking in the oven until nice and crisp.
Favorite book/author: Mercedes Lackey (BF introduced me to this offer)
Tell Us Something Interesting About Yourself: I have curved pinkies

What does this mean?

I met my now H when I was 21 and we started dating immediately. We talked about marriage early on (6 months in) but we both agreed we were young and that we wanted to wait until we were older and more financially secure. If you don't feel 100% ready to get married then IMO it's better to wait to get engaged. You ARE young so there's absolutely no need to rush into it.

psychbabe314 · July 2013

@bethsmiles I do have to disagree with you. His parents have been kind enough to pay for his undergraduate degree and his rent. He holds a part-time job for now, but is about to be promoted in the next few months to a shift supervisor. Still, this is something his parents are doing for all of their children and I will respect their wishes about not having their son live with his girlfriend until after college. This is a rule that is applied to both BF's twin brother and their younger brother. Also, why would I want to push for this if it made them upset? I love his mother, and according to BF and his twin, she adores me. I would love to keep a good relationship with her.

@Swazzle, I glanced through some of the other responses and people had put down how long they had lived together. We have not lived together. We have been dating 1 1/2 years. We started dating when I was 20.

To everyone one else, Thank you so much for all of the responses! I feel better today after talking with my personal counselor and reading through these posts. After the session, we came to the conclusion that I do feel ready. I want to get engaged, I'm ready for that next step in our relationship. Unfortunately, with my family life some of these thoughts are bound to pop up. But, I know I want to marry him and it is not marrying him that is scaring me, it is the thought of a commitment that has me squirming sometimes, the idea of becoming like my parents.

In the end, if things get closer to the end of the year and I am not ready then I will ask him to wait.

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