Shower help: requesting attire & unwrapped gifts? HELP?!

RookieBridesmaid · July 2013

I'm not sure if this post should go here or on Pre-Wedding Parties, but I need help! So, full disclosure here, I was married in 2006 and the only wedding I've ever been in was my own. This is my first time as a bridesmaid and I feel like it's going to be a giant FAIL!

The wedding is a year away, but the bride is communicating through her sister/MOH what she wants for a shower. She wants an elegant tea party where all the guests wear fancy hats (what the what???) AND she wants to make sure it's specified on the invitation that the gifts are to be unwrapped, because she doesn't like being the center of attention.

Now, I don't know how much has changed in the last 7 years, but the last time I checked you can't tell people what to wear to a shower AND the whole point of a shower is opening gifts -- so if there's nothing to open, what happens?

I haven't publically objected yet -- I hate to be the @sshole bridesmaid -- but I don't feel comfortable putting my name on something like this.

Or, am I the one who is nuts??? Is this how stuff is done?

[Deleted User] · July 2013

You are correct and your friend sounds like an asshole. If she doesn't want a shower, I have an idea: Don't have a shower. But she can't just have a party where she dictates what everyone wears but doesn't have the activities of a typical shower (YOU KNOW, THE OPENING GIFTS PART.). She's being a complete brat. I wouldn't have any part in planning this.

AddieCake · July 2013

Ugh. Another bride gets on the unwrapped gifts wagon.

RookieBridesmaid · July 2013

The hard part is that a mutual friends surprise shower invitation (we are both invited) came with the whole "to save time & paper, please bring your gift unwrapped, with only a bow & card." That shower is 4 hours long. If she's not opening gifts -- because, you know, we're short on time -- what the heck are we going to be doing? Also, it makes my bride be all "Hey, look, so-and-so's bridesmaids said no wrapped gifts -- it's totalllllllllllllllllllly acceptable!"

Ugh.

Wanted to add, the mutual friend has no idea her BMs wrote that on the invite and I am pretty sure she'll be super embarassed.

fearlessbrideMI · July 2013

Asking for gifts to be unwrapped when brought is crazy.

I have been receiving MANY "theme" shower invites in recent years. Have been to two tea parties and two "derby" (ie giant hat parties), so I personally don't take such an issue with a "theme" shower. The wording on the invites for the derby showers mentioned the derby and one said something like breakout your inner derby diva, prize drawing for best Derby Style hat, or something like that it did not say "Wear a big hat or else".

HOWEVER, it does appear the bride needs to be reminded that a shower is is gift in itself and the bride doesn't get to dictate the type of shower.

annathy03 · July 2013

You are not nuts!

I actually co-hosted a tea party themed shower a month or so ago, and I'd say half the guests did wear hats, but it was because of the theme on the invite, not because the bride dictated it (and no, brides don''t get to decide what people wear to a shower). One of the BMs knew from a few years back that the bride loved the idea of a tea party shower, so she didn't request it as a bride, we just already knew she'd like that so we went with it. I have to say I enjoyed the theme, and drank lots of tea and ate finger sandwiches til the cows came home.

Your bride is completely out of line to request gifts be unwrapped. The WHOLE POINT of a shower is to shower her with love and gifts and watch her open them. If she doesn't want to be the center of attention she can decline any offers to have a shower, otherwise she needs to suck it up and let people watch her open their gifts.

Maggie0829 · July 2013

Honestly, if I were you OP, I would just back down from planning this craziness. The bride sounds like a complete brat and you will save yourself tons of time and money to just not be involved. You are not required to throw her a shower so if you are uncomfortable with what she wants (which she really shouldn't have much say anyways) then just remove yourself from the situation.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Also, I don't own a big fancy hat. Does this bride really think she can force people to travel to her shower, bring a gift that she won't even open AND make them buy a hat they'll likely never wear again?

ashleyep · July 2013

If you want to host a tea party for her, just address the invitations that way. Make it clear that it's a tea party themed shower. Guests will pick up on that and wear a hat if they own one. But you certainly don't have to do it, she can't tell you what type of shower to throw and you can't ask guests to wear a hat.

Just ignore her request for unwrapped gifts. She needs to sit there and open the gifts graciously in front of her guests. I'm incredibly awkward about sitting in front of people opening gifts - I have a hard time being the center of attention and showing the appropriate level of graciousness. But if I want to have a shower, I'll suck it up and deal with it.

Make a big spectacle of the bouquet you make from the ribbons and bows if you want to take some of the attention off of her, but it's rude to ask for the gifts unwrapped.

harper0813 · July 2013

I'd just let her know what type of shower you feel comfortable throwing her and that you are uneasy dictating attire and gift wrapping. Repeat ad nauseum.

daria24 · July 2013

I got an invite for a giant hat shower and I was annoyed. Either I had to spend part of my gift budget to buy a giant hat, or I opted out of the dress code and got a better gift. I chose by to wear a stupid hat. I was the only one there without a hat.

Say nay to shower dress codes!

And I hate hate hate the "no gift wrap" shower trend. Fuck off, if I buy you a gift you are going to open it, act surprised and delighted damnit.

kmcquire · July 2013

If I received an invitation requesting I wear a hat, I would wear a sombrero.

banana468 · July 2013

Ditto Stage. I think you can get away with saying that hats are encouraged as guests respond but that's really pushing it.

NerdyLucy · July 2013

zobird said:

I'd just let her know what type of shower you feel comfortable throwing her and that you are uneasy dictating attire and gift wrapping. Repeat ad nauseum.

Yep, this.

NerdyLucy · July 2013

So is this whole "display shower" (or whatever it's called) becoming a thing now?

I went to a baby shower last summer, and like usual, I brought my gifts in gift bags, wrapped up, bows, etc.

I put the gifts on the gift table, and I later noticed a woman that I'd never seen before digging through my gift bag and pulling the baby clothes out. I was flabbergasted, so I stood and watched like a dummy, and I was just about to say something as this woman started to UNWRAP the package of diapers I'd brought----like tearing the paper and everything. Luckily, my cousin's wife (whom the baby shower was for) mentioned that this was a "display shower" and instead of her having to open them in front of everyone, her aunt was doing it and displaying the gifts on the table.

It was weird.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

NerdyLucy said:

So is this whole "display shower" (or whatever it's called) becoming a thing now?

I went to a baby shower last summer, and like usual, I brought my gifts in gift bags, wrapped up, bows, etc.

I put the gifts on the gift table, and I later noticed a woman that I'd never seen before digging through my gift bag and pulling the baby clothes out. I was flabbergasted, so I stood and watched like a dummy, and I was just about to say something as this woman started to UNWRAP the package of diapers I'd brought----like tearing the paper and everything. Luckily, my cousin's wife (whom the baby shower was for) mentioned that this was a "display shower" and instead of her having to open them in front of everyone, her aunt was doing it and displaying the gifts on the table.

It was weird.

How uncomfortable. Why the hell would she even have a shower? People want gifts without showing any sign of appreciation to those that give them. It's disgusting.

kkcaper14 · July 2013

I actually really don't mind "display showers" but I may be in the minority here. I've been to large showers where there are 40+ women and opening presents is a 2 hour event. I personally wouldn't find it rude if I saw the "unwrapped or clear gift wrap" indicated on a shower invitation. I've been to a few and actually enjoyed spending more time with the bride. At one, the bride did open a special gift as the aunt wanted to see her reaction opening it (I forget what it was...something not from the registry). However I belive it is not proper ettiquette to include any information about gift. Although I would rather know ahead of time instead of having a random Aunt unwrapping my gift for the display table. I would have a problem buying a large hat for a shower or being told what to wear. A solution to this would be possibly to have a derby themed shower and people can intrepret that as they may. Agree with PP if you aren't comfortable as being part of this or hosting I would say something to the other bridesmaids.

LiLe422 · July 2013

kkcaper14 said:

I actually really don't mind "display showers" but I may be in the minority here. I've been to large showers where there are 40+ women and opening presents is a 2 hour event. I personally wouldn't find it rude if I saw the "unwrapped or clear gift wrap" indicated on a shower invitation. I've been to a few and actually enjoyed spending more time with the bride. At one, the bride did open a special gift as the aunt wanted to see her reaction opening it (I forget what it was...something not from the registry). However I belive it is not proper ettiquette to include any information about gift. Although I would rather know ahead of time instead of having a random Aunt unwrapping my gift for the display table. I would have a problem buying a large hat for a shower or being told what to wear. A solution to this would be possibly to have a derby themed shower and people can intrepret that as they may. Agree with PP if you aren't comfortable as being part of this or hosting I would say something to the other bridesmaids.

It really doesnt have to take that long though. There were 40ish people at my bridal shower and gifts took no more than half an hour. My MIL handed me the gift, I unwrapped it and showed the guests, my H taped the card to the box and my mom threw away all the wrapping paper. Easy peasy!

To the second bold... Well that was extremely rude of the bride. Opening one gift but not others, IMO, sends the message that one gift is more important than the other. Not cool.

NerdyLucy · July 2013

Liatris2010 said:

I imagine myself yelling "Stop! Thief!" and tackling poor aunt Susan.

The whole concept of display showers irks me. Not that I think watching someone open presents is particularly exciting, but implying that unwrapping all of those gifts is just too big a burden makes me pretty sure you don't need any more presents ever. I mean, if you are so overwhelmed by gifts, I don't want to tax you further with any additional generosity.

I stood there in shock, and I was just about to go over there, snatch it all away and yell, "ARE YOU JUST NOSY OR WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?"

I'm glad I didn't, but the whole thing was completely bizarre. I'd never been to a shower like that before.

Simply Fated · July 2013

I think display showers are absurd, but the hat idea is totally some my friends and I would do. I can't imagine any of us caring if a guest chose to wear a sombrero or a Yankees cap. Hell, tape a bow to a fisherman's hat and call it fancy. Works for me!

OP, I think it's fine to tell these girls that you'll "sit this one out" and attend as a guest, instead.

KDM323 · July 2013

I don't mind the "unwrapped gifts" if the guest of honor still takes time to go through them, open cards, etc...especially if the shower is being held at a venue (like a restaurant) where there is a limited amount of time.

I don't like the 'display shower' trend.

WinstonsGirl · July 2013

OP, please remember that showers (or luncheons, etc.) are your gift to the Bride. It is not required at all for you to throw one for her, and if you decide to, that is your choice. She has no right you dictate that everyone throws her a shower, and you have every right to refuse. Also, as you would be hosting this shower, you get the say in what you can budget/afford, not her.

As for the tea party, my cousin just had her shower and it was a tea party themed, hats required. We had sandwiches and pastries and it was awesome. A couple of people wore fascinators but most of us don't own hats. My 2 great aunts however, owned millions, and my cousin has them all. They were all on display (about 20 of them) on a mantle amid the very cool hat boxes, and we all got to choose one to wear for the last half of the shower, so everyone had a hat without having to go find/buy one. I was much calmer about the hat thing once I heard she was supplying them.

wrigleyville · July 2013

Ugh. I'd rather skip the stupid games and devote more time to unwrapping presents if time is an issue. The whole point is to watch the bride open your gift and thank you. Otherwise, it's just a free meal with annoying games, and that's no fun.

kkcaper14 · July 2013

LiLe422 said:

kkcaper14 said:

I actually really don't mind "display showers" but I may be in the minority here. I've been to large showers where there are 40+ women and opening presents is a 2 hour event. I personally wouldn't find it rude if I saw the "unwrapped or clear gift wrap" indicated on a shower invitation. I've been to a few and actually enjoyed spending more time with the bride. At one, the bride did open a special gift as the aunt wanted to see her reaction opening it (I forget what it was...something not from the registry). However I belive it is not proper ettiquette to include any information about gift. Although I would rather know ahead of time instead of having a random Aunt unwrapping my gift for the display table. I would have a problem buying a large hat for a shower or being told what to wear. A solution to this would be possibly to have a derby themed shower and people can intrepret that as they may. Agree with PP if you aren't comfortable as being part of this or hosting I would say something to the other bridesmaids.

It really doesnt have to take that long though. There were 40ish people at my bridal shower and gifts took no more than half an hour. My MIL handed me the gift, I unwrapped it and showed the guests, my H taped the card to the box and my mom threw away all the wrapping paper. Easy peasy!

To the second bold... Well that was extremely rude of the bride. Opening one gift but not others, IMO, sends the message that one gift is more important than the other. Not cool.

She did it off to the side because - I didn't even know about it until later on. I personally wasn't offended but I guess it could have offended others at the shower.

phira · July 2013

StageManager14 said:

Honestly, if you're worried about being the asshole bridesmaid, don't talk to the bride directly (especially since it sounds like she hasn't mentioned it to YOU directly). Just tell the other BMs that you are not comfortable being involved in a shower like that and step back.

This is exactly the solution to not being an asshole bridesmaid. Don't talk to the bride about it at all. It's a party YOU'RE throwing for HER, so she doesn't get to plan it.

@scribe95 and @Liartis2010 said it really well, too: if you don't want to be the center of attention, don't have a bridal shower. The whole point of the shower is to have people bring gifts and pay attention to the bride. She's gonna have to suck that up if she wants a shower.

A good way to meet the bride halfway with the theme, though, is to indicate to guests (on the invite) that it's a tea party bridal shower. My godmother has a big tea party every year to celebrate International Women's Day (no joke--it's a blast), and she always writes on the invitation: "White gloves optional." You could do something similar on the invitation ("White gloves and big hats optional"), which would result in 1) a way to set the tone of the shower, and 2) some guests wearing big hats, like the bride wanted. And your gift to the bride could always be a gigantic hat.

As for me, I only have Red Sox caps, so I'd wear that.

weddingmuse · July 2013

I co-hosted a tea party theme shower in May. We must've been completely dumb schmucks because no one wore hats of any kind, and we had no idea that they were the Done Thing for tea party showers. I guess that's one way to avoid rudely dictating to your guests what they should wear.

I'm so glad I've never been to a "display shower" and would never have one.

OP, dodge out if you can, or completely take over the shower and do it right.

allispain · July 2013

I went to an Alice in Wonderland themed tea party shower recently. The invites mentioned that we could wear our "maddest hats" but it was not required. Instead, everyone who was invited was casually informed via word of mouth that if we did not already have a hat we'd like to wear, the bride's mother has a collection of vintage hats and we would be welcome to choose one of them if we so chose. No one was ever required to, but everyone did just because it was funny and fun and the pictures looked hysterical - everything from fascinators to a coonskin cap.

OP - if it seems the tea party theme is in fact going to go through and whoever is hosting (not the bride, but the MOH or whoever) also wants to have hats be part of it, I would suggest mentioning to her that it would be gracious to offer hats to guests who wish to wear them.

Shower help: requesting attire & unwrapped gifts? HELP?!

Re: Shower help: requesting attire &amp; unwrapped gifts? HELP?!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Shower help: requesting attire &amp; unwrapped gifts? HELP?!

Re: Shower help: requesting attire &amp;amp; unwrapped gifts? HELP?!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Shower help: requesting attire & unwrapped gifts? HELP?!

Re: Shower help: requesting attire & unwrapped gifts? HELP?!