we missed an etiquette breach at our wedding :-(

SB1512 · July 2013

So I just learned a couple days ago we missed at an etiquette breach at our wedding. Apparently there was a tip jar out at the bar (we tipped the bartender separately, as that is our responsibility and to top it off, the bartender is one of the venue owners!). I feel bad about this, but to be honest, neither FI and I ever even made it to the bar that night so I didn't catch it. The few drinks FI had were brought to him and I think the only thing I drank that night was champagne at the toast. Had I seen a tip jar out I definitely would have told them to take it away. I know my in my circle it's common to tip $1 every time we order a drink at weddings, but that's our choice to do so, not because we see a jar that says tips. Hopefully we didn't offend anyone too bad!

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

It happens. It wasn't your fault. I understand the guilt though.

At my wedding the venue brought out champagne for the bridal party only during the toast (it was not offered as part of our open bar package for the rest of the guests).

I felt awful about that afterwards, but at the time I was just so caught up in the moment and was not expecting it that I just drank it anyway. =/ I'm sure at least some guests saw the champagne and tried ordering it themselves only to be shot down.

But the moral of the story is, none of us are perfect and we could all try to give couples the benefit of the doubt with things like this---especially if in every other way the guests have been properly hosted---before getting too judgey.

hordol · July 2013

The tip jar thing happened at my wedding too, and it pissed me off because I gave him his tip before the night even started. I'm sure he made bank that night (and he left an hour earlier than what I paid him to be there, so that pissed me off royally!)

I didn't do anything about the tip jar because DH didn't think it was a big deal and I just really didn't want to have to deal with it because I knew the bartender would probably get pissed so I just let it go.

I agree with the poster above that says you should give couples the benefit of the doubt if everything else appears to be properly hosted.

Things happen and some faux pas are so common that vendors don't even think twice about doing them.

misssunshine17 · July 2013

It happens and it is certainly a lesser 'offence.' Think of it this way, at least their drink was free!

BMoreBride6 · July 2013

it happens, not your fault. But he would most certainly be hearing from me about that. That's just so rude in my opinion, to expect double tips!

MoonlightSilver · July 2013

Same thing happened here- and I actually went to the bar and didn't notice the tip jar. Don't worry about it too much.

SB1512 · July 2013

thanks I do feel better! @Harry when we were wedding planning and my in-laws gave me their guest list I asked multiple times about SO's, addresses for everyone, etc. come to find out an invite I addressed to a family of 4 (per the way the in-laws listed it even after my checking and re-checking) included 2 adults listed on their parents invite. And one of those adults had an SO who was not invited. I felt like such a jerk, but it wasn't my fault. I made sure though to get their own addresses for the thank you cards though and the one who has an SO I put her name on the thank you card envelope as well.

AddieCake · July 2013

Honestly, it would never really even occur to me that this was rude if I saw it as a guest. I certainly wouldn't think, "OMG, this couple let the bartender have a tip jar?!?! Scandalous!" Just forget about it.

PrimRoseMama · July 2013

I'm sure that it doesn't reflect on you. When I see tip jars at weddings and other functions I usually think its the establishment that puts it out for their employees. I don't usually think, "God, how tacky of this couple!".

You were busy celebrating and I hope your guests were too busy dining/celebrating to notice or care. Honestly, with good food and enough booze I don't think I would care. IMHO, that is one of those "life is short, why worry about it" things.

monkeysip · July 2013

NOLAbridealmost said:

But the moral of the story is, none of us are perfect and we could all try to give couples the benefit of the doubt with things like this---especially if in every other way the guests have been properly hosted---before getting too judgey.

This is great advice! I need to think about this when I'm at weddings.

efmcc67 · July 2013

This is such a minor thing, I don't think it matters. I'm not really sure what you could have done, anyway. If you'd seen it, would you have asked the bartender to remove it?

NYCBruin · July 2013

I agree, I wouldn't worry about it too much. I would assume it was the bartenders doing not the couples. And like PPs mentioned, there are way "worse" offenses to commit. I only start side-eyeing things when there have been a TON of etiquette breaches or some major ones, like a cash bar or not inviting any SOs.

Dreamergirl8812 · July 2013

So if my bartender tries to put a tip jar out can I tell him to get rid of it? Or will I look like a jerk and possibly have a shitty bartender for the rest of the night?

mlg78 · July 2013

There are MANY other things I would side eye long before I'd judge a couple for "allowing" this.

kathrynrf · July 2013

MobKaz · July 2013

So if my bartender tries to put a tip jar out can I tell him to get rid of it? Or will I look like a jerk and possibly have a shitty bartender for the rest of the night?
StageManager14 said:Yes, you can, as long as it isn't in your contract.

Our contract was very specific regarding bartenders and tip jars. We had the option of "pre-tipping" the bartenders a flat, designated rate. If we chose NOT to do that, a tip jar would be placed on the bar. We took the pre-tipping option. However, tip jar or not, many of my family members and friends automatically tip as a matter of courtesy. Needless to say, our bar service was stellar that night.

ETA: This quoted in an unusual way. I've tried to edit to make it clearer.

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

Dreamergirl8812 said:

So if my bartender tries to put a tip jar out can I tell him to get rid of it? Or will I look like a jerk and possibly have a shitty bartender for the rest of the night?

You should insist that they do not use a tip jar. If you're worried about bad service, tip beforehand to incentivize good service.

loca4pook · July 2013

If it makes you feel better, I had an accidental poor etiquette too.

My "accident' breach of etiquette was that I found out later my guests were forced to stay outside during cocktail hour which is problematic because there wasn't enough chairs for everyone and it was a little chilly. I thought my guests had an option of going outside for cocktail hour OR sitting inside at their tables..I was told we'd have too bars. I felt mortified when I found out later (I was taking pictures so had no idea until it was too late)...the other reason it sucks is that I wasted an hour on a photobooth indoors that nobody could use since they were stuck outside AND a dj nobody could hear...so annoyed over it but didn't find out til way too late in the game

we missed an etiquette breach at our wedding :-(

Re: we missed an etiquette breach at our wedding :-(

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