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Show up without a gift or not show up at all?

GuestJaneDoeGuestJaneDoe
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum

I've been invited to an older (60+ yrs.) couple's bridal shower and NOT the wedding.

They are having a small, private destination wedding in Hawaii (clearly they're not hurting for money).

The bride-to-be's "dear" friend is hosting a bridal shower for her at the friend's home.

The couple is registered at BB&B for high priced items.

I'm tempted to go to the shower and NOT bring a gift.  SHOULD I DO THIS?

I'm sure they "mean" well and think that the Shower is a substitute for the Wedding but frankly, I'm offended.

In my opinion, a shower is poor taste. 

Have a celebration AFTER the ceremony since gifts and not presence are what's important to them.

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Re: Show up without a gift or not show up at all?

  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would find other plans for that day.  Yes, what they're doing is very rude and I'd expect them to know better, but you don't have to be rude in return.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Ditto Lia. Don't go to a shower w/no gift just to be spiteful. Simply don't go. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • efmcc67efmcc67 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    I wouldn't go. They're in the wrong.
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  • GuestJaneDoeGuestJaneDoe
    First Comment

    Thanks for the advice.

     

    Now how am I to handle the bride taking offense at my not being there?

     

    She will most certainly be hurt and angered as we've known each other for 10+ yrs.

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  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I know they're in the wrong, but going without a gift to be spiteful is also wrong. Skip the shower.
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  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    GuestJaneDoe said:

    Thanks for the advice.

     

    Now how am I to handle the bride taking offense at my not being there?

     

    She will most certainly be hurt and angered as we've known each other for 10+ yrs.

    I wouldn't assume she's going to be offended. Just say you can't make it. I was in a similar situation, but I did go because the shower was a surprise for her. Her best friend wanted her school family (teachers she'd worked with) involved. She no longer works there, but is still friends with most of us.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Yes, she'll just have to get over it. If you are worried about it, then make up an excuse like being out of town for something. People have to miss events and parties all the time b/c they have other plans.

     Also, I'm a little curious why you worry she will be offended/angry that you don't come, but you don't seem to worry that she would be angry or offended if you showed up with no gift.

     
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • PrimRoseMamaPrimRoseMama member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I would send my regrets and not attend. I might send a card to congratulate the bride, but that is it. 

    ~* Matron of Honor *~

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  • PrimRoseMamaPrimRoseMama member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    GuestJaneDoe said:

    Now how am I to handle the bride taking offense at my not being there?

    If she is upset simply tell her that you have other plans and that you are very sorry that you couldn't make it. Then You can offer to take her to lunch personally or even have her over for cake/coffee. Be very apologetic. Personally, I think its really poor taste to invite someone to a gift giving event but not the main ceremony. It looks like you are trying to pull a gift grab on them, but not share your happy event with them. Its just tacky. 

    If she is so bold as to ask what is so much more important than her bridal shower then I would come clean with her about why you don't want to attend. She is being rude by pressing you for your reasons and schedule if she does this. A bridal shower is NOT a wedding and should not be treated as such. An invitation is NOT a subpoena. 
    ~* Matron of Honor *~

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  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I don't see how she would have the right to be offended by your refusal to do something that already is offensive to you.  That's why you're 'soooo sorry that you already have plans for that day that just can't be changed', and then stay home and shampoo your carpet or something.
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Liatris2010 said:
    GuestJaneDoe said:

    Thanks for the advice.

     

    Now how am I to handle the bride taking offense at my not being there?

     

    She will most certainly be hurt and angered as we've known each other for 10+ yrs.

    She'll have to get over it. It was an invitation, not a subpena.
    Exactly this.

    Inviting someone to a bridal shower and NOT the wedding is incredibly rude, and is entirely a gift grab.
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  • misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Just don't attend. Don't make up some crazy lie, just say you had plans already. Your plans can be at home watching Netflix. This sounds horribly rude. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ditto just not attending.

    I hate to quote my parents but "two wrongs don't make a right".   You don't get to show up without a present just to be indignant.   Either accept the invitation and bring a gift or decline and don't.


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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If you don't want to go to the shower (which is totally legit) then don't go.

    But don't go without a present just to make a statement about how offended you are by the couple's rudeness, because that's rude too.
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  • AJuliaNJAJuliaNJ member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Combo Breaker
    GuestJaneDoe said:

    Thanks for the advice.

     

    Now how am I to handle the bride taking offense at my not being there?

     

    She will most certainly be hurt and angered as we've known each other for 10+ yrs.

    Plenty of people we've known 10+ years couldn't make it to the shower. Heck, plenty of people we've known for 10+ years didn't come to the WEDDING! It is just a fact of life that some people will not be able to make it on the day you have your party or wedding. If you think she's going to grill you about it, have an excuse ready, but really, it would be rude for her to pry as to why you can't make it. 

    If you are upset, skip it. I think it would be worse to be passive aggressive and go to the shower without a gift.
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