Bridesmaid request - Should I have said yes?

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

OK, so this has been swirling around my head since it happened. I suppose I'm looking for either correction or validation.

My bridesmaid, who I love to bits, asked me if her mum could come to the ceremony. Her mum really wants to watch her be a bridesmaid, and wants to come to the ceremony and leave right after. I'm glad her mum is excited about her daughter being a bridesmaid, but I don't really want her mum there for 2 reasons

1. I would feel obligated to invite her and her husband to the reception since I would technically be inviting them to the ceremony. We don't have the room or the budget for 2 more people.
2. I feel the our wedding is a private thing. We are inviting 50 people - our family and closest friends. I'm not comfortable with a couple that I don't know sharing (what I feel is) that private moment with us.

I told my bridesmaid these reasons. She seemed OK, maybe a little put out. Should I call the bridesmaid and tell her that her mum can come, or should I stick to my guns on this one?

ETA: More info. I've never met her mum. The ceremony is in a private venue (a garden area at the reception venue).

BMoreBride6 · July 2013

Do you have any relationship with her mother?

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

Oh, I should've put that in! The reception venue has a garden area and the ceremony will be there. So it isn't a public place.

astimmel · July 2013

I can see where you're coming from. If you truly don't have the budget for 2 more people I think it's perfectly reasonable for you not to invite them. Maybe instead you could ask the photographer to take a couple extra pictures of her and then give them to her mom so she can see her daughter all dressed up?

However if you are able to move your budget around to accommodate them, I think it would be nice. I was MOH at a wedding a couple months ago and my best friend originally considered not inviting my parents. Her budget and venue space were plentiful, so that wouldn't have been a problem. But more than that, it was a little hurtful that she considered not inviting two people who had frequently welcomed her into their home and their lives for the past 15 years.

Of course that was just my personal situation, but like I said, if your budget doesn't allow for it, it's perfectly legitimate and reasonable not to invite them.

phira · July 2013

I don't think you were being rude or inconsiderate saying no. Being a bridesmaid isn't like being in a school play--it's not something that your parents come to see to be supportive.

MobKaz · July 2013

If your ceremony is being held in a church, the building is open to the public.

My daughter had two bridesmaids whose mothers attended her ceremony. One we were aware of, and the other came without any notice. Their attendance at the ceremony was a non-issue. I didn't even know of the second parents' attendance until looking through wedding photographs several weeks later. Of the parent I knew to be attending the ceremony, I felt NO obligation whatsoever to invite her to the reception, nor was she interested in receiving an invitation. She was there to witness the ceremony of her daughter's best friend. I don't think that is all that unusual.

My daughter is also a teacher. Several of her 8th grade students expressed an interest in attending the ceremony. Obviously, their parents would need to drive, thus requiring them to stay for the ceremony as well. My daughter didn't really "know" the parents per se, but again, their attendance at the ceremony made no difference to the bride and groom, or the ceremony.

If your wedding ceremony is being held in a private venue, then it is your prerogative as to whether you allow them to attend. I personally don't see it as a big deal.

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

BMoreBride6 said:

Do you have any relationship with her mother?

I've never met her. I wouldn't know her if I bumped into her in the street.

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

StageManager14 said:

I don't think you did anything particularly wrong per Se, but if I would have explained to BM that you could not accommodate them at the reception and if they still REALLY wanted to come to just the ceremony, I would let them. No offense, but 50 people is NOT a private or intimate ceremony and to be quite frank you aren't going to have a clue who is or isn't there once you start down the aisle because you'll be focused on getting married.

Sorry, I must not have been clear. I don't think 50 people is private or intimate, I know it's not. But I think our wedding is private thing that we should be sharing with our nearest and dearest. Just my feelings on the matter.

So etiquette wise it is OK to invite her mum to the ceremony but not the reception? I thought it was a huge no-no?

astimmel · July 2013

Ok, if you haven't met her than I think you're extra ok not inviting her.

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

Great, thanks for the feedback everyone!

[Deleted User] · July 2013

If you are having a photographer what about getting a nice photo of just that bridesmaid, something that is worthy of being made into a 5x7 and put into a frame. You can then give it to her to give it to her mom (or send directly to the mom). This way mom will have a nice photo of her daughter looking beautiful.

For our wedding we had family pictures done for each bridal party member. Each had their whole family there. It isn't very often people can get together with their kids when they are all dressed up. It was a big hit with my bridal party to get current family pictures. I even made extra copies (thanks to cheap prices at wal-greens) for them to share pictures with parents.

misshart00 · July 2013

Could her mom be her plus one? If you're giving plus ones and if bridesmaid doesn't have a boyfriend.

allispain · July 2013

Honestly, if your BM has specifically stated that they would be there for the ceremony only, I don't see any reason why to not allow her mom to be there. You won't know the difference, trust me - you'll be too focused on your about-to-be-husband to really pay attention to who's sitting discretely in the back row.

DH is a band teacher. We had several of his students be our ceremony musicians. One of them isn't old enough to drive, so he asked if it would be okay if his mom drove him and then sat in the back for the ceremony. We said that it was fine. Both his mom and dad ended up getting nicely dolled up and attending - I had no clue they were both there (or even really gave it a thought) until I saw a lovely photo of them from our photographer and was trying to figure out who they were, since I had never met them before. Having them there in no way too away from our ceremony - to be honest, there were plenty of other people (SOs and dates) that I had never met and may never see again there as well.

harper0813 · July 2013

Wedding ceremony =/= piano recital, baseball game, school play, etc. I don't understand why a parent wants to see their child be a bridesmaid (or groomsman) so badly. I get wanting to see pictures afterward, but if the parent doesn't know the bride and/or groom well and they just really want to watch their child march down the aisle with flowers only to sit down and basically be done... that kind of irks me. But I'm also not a parent

All that being said, I also do not see the harm in letting parents attend a ceremony if they state that they don't expect an invitation and if it doesn't cost you anything. But I really don't think it's necessary. I agree with Erika that giving the BM a nice print of her to give to her parents after the wedding would be nice.

winelover123 · July 2013

Eh - I think as long they know that you cannot accommodate them at the reception, it's fine. I'd have the BM inform her parents of the time and place and let them know that they cannot be accommodated at the reception.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

I agree with the others. I see no harm in it, but I do find it pretty odd.

MuppetOverlord · July 2013

I think if she really wants to come to the ceremony, I'd explain that's ok except that you have no room to accommodate them for the reception.

If you don't want her there at all, you haven't been rude to decline entirely.

harper0813 · July 2013

Harry87 said:
I agree with others that if you want to allow them to the ceremony only you can, but if not, don't even worry about it. Being a bridesmaid isn't like the prom or a school function, parents don't get to show up just because Sally is dressed nice. Pictures should suffice.

Yes. Thank you. And people complain about Gen Y's entitlement issues... this is one of the causes. My parents are helicopter parents, too.

itzMS · July 2013

zobird said:

I agree with others that if you want to allow them to the ceremony only you can, but if not, don't even worry about it. Being a bridesmaid isn't like the prom or a school function, parents don't get to show up just because Sally is dressed nice. Pictures should suffice.
Yes. Thank you. And people complain about Gen Y's entitlement issues... this is one of the causes. My parents are helicopter parents, too.

I agree with all of this.

Some of my bridesmaids' moms showed up at the Church prior to my ceremony to see their daughters "getting ready" and how their hair/makeup looked. I gave the moms the biggest WTF face when they showed up uninvited in the brides room. (we're all almost 30 years old, btw)

Jen4948 · July 2013

If you don't know her mother, then it doesn't make sense to me to invite her, especially if your ceremony and reception are supposed to be private and the whole reason to invite her is because her mother has this desire to see her daughter in a bridesmaid's dress. She can take photos with her daughter before or after her daughter comes to the wedding.

I don't think you're wrong to say no. But if the ceremony is at a house of worship that does open all its ceremonies to the public, then the mother might show up anyway. If she does, I'd let it go and be gracious because there's really nothing else you can do.

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

Erikan73 said:

If you are having a photographer what about getting a nice photo of just that bridesmaid, something that is worthy of being made into a 5x7 and put into a frame. You can then give it to her to give it to her mom (or send directly to the mom). This way mom will have a nice photo of her daughter looking beautiful.

For our wedding we had family pictures done for each bridal party member. Each had their whole family there. It isn't very often people can get together with their kids when they are all dressed up. It was a big hit with my bridal party to get current family pictures. I even made extra copies (thanks to cheap prices at wal-greens) for them to share pictures with parents.

This is a fab idea, and one I had thought about. I'll make sure all the WP gets a nice individual photo (because who doesn't like a nice photo of themselves), and make sure BMs mum gets a copy in a frame.

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

misshart00 said:

Could her mom be her plus one? If you're giving plus ones and if bridesmaid doesn't have a boyfriend.

She has a boyfriend who is invited to the wedding.

MayDay513 · July 2013

Bubbles2014 said:

Erikan73 said:

If you are having a photographer what about getting a nice photo of just that bridesmaid, something that is worthy of being made into a 5x7 and put into a frame. You can then give it to her to give it to her mom (or send directly to the mom). This way mom will have a nice photo of her daughter looking beautiful.

For our wedding we had family pictures done for each bridal party member. Each had their whole family there. It isn't very often people can get together with their kids when they are all dressed up. It was a big hit with my bridal party to get current family pictures. I even made extra copies (thanks to cheap prices at wal-greens) for them to share pictures with parents.

This is a fab idea, and one I had thought about. I'll make sure all the WP gets a nice individual photo (because who doesn't like a nice photo of themselves), and make sure BMs mum gets a copy in a frame.

Fabulous idea.

Teddy917 · July 2013

I just want to put in that it's probably not a smart idea to budget so tightly that you have no room for two more. Always leave wiggle room in the budget.

LavenderHoneyBee · July 2013

As this is a private ceremony (as in private space, not public like a church) I think you are within your right to have said no. And I do personally see 50 guests as small/intimate. This isn't a 100+ person wedding where it wouldn't really make a difference.

And to the poster who said you should be able to budget for two people, I think that's a very naive/ignorant statement. It might not be that the OP can't afford two more people, it's that if she invited these two extra people wouldn't she then have to invite all the BM's parents? Or more extended family/friends? And she didn't budget for more than 50. Since she is only having 50 people I'm guessing there were A LOT of people who didn't make the cut. To make an exception for a woman she's never met is probably not where OP would want to spend her money.

Bridesmaid request - Should I have said yes?

Re: Bridesmaid request - Should I have said yes?

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