Break between ceremony and reception

BlondieBia21 · July 2013

Hello!

I need some *more* etiquette help!

My FI and I are invited to his cousin's wedding this upcoming week. He is an usher in the wedding. I will be 34 weeks pregnant at the time of the events. Our wedding is 11/30/13. His cousin sent out a facebook timeline on Saturday, telling my FI where he needs to be and when. They invited me to the page even though I'm not in the wedding or have anything to do with it besides being his fiancé. They put on the timeline that between the ceremony and reception, they will be doing a party bus. (This is very very common in our area, in fact it's considered different to not do this.) They put on there that there will not be room on the bus for ALL significant others and spouses of his cousin's (he's the groom) family, but if you are in the bride's family and are a so or spouse, you can come on first. I'm not mad about this, but his other cousin's SOs and spouses are. I won't be "participating" in any of the activities of the bus obviously with being pregnant, so I don't really mind not being on there. What is the proper etiquette on including SOs and spouses in the in-between time if you are doing something like this?

I know it's not recommended for there to be a break, but they are Catholic ceremonies that can't begin later than 2pm, and will be done by 3:15 at the latest. Most receptions will start around 5 or 5:30. We will have the same timeline, but we do have activities and a cocktail hour/appetizers during the break while the WP does the bus and has more pictures done. We have paid an extra $400 to be able to include all WP spouses and SOs in the bus in our break time. I feel like it's correct to include them because if not, they will be by themselves. (Especially the SO's who don't all know others at the wedding.) Any thoughts? (Basically, what happens on the bus is the WP drives around to other locations and takes more pictures and usually there is alcohol on the bus so it's pretty much the start to the "party.")

ETA: Thank you to everyone for your responses! I greatly appreciate it and feel as if you helped save me from an etiquette no no! I will be talking to my FI tonight about changing our timeline for our event. Also, I wasn't meaning that it was a "Catholic thing" to have the break, I was meaning that in our diocese, we are not allowed to have a ceremony begin later than 2pm so I wasn't for sure how to make it all work! Thank you again!

BlondieBia21 · July 2013

StageManager14 said:

There is no etiquette, because it's bad etiquette to have a break to begin with. Catholic ceremony or not, there is no reason for a gap.

However, yes, if they are having social activities for the WP between the ceremony and reception, they should invite ALL spouses, not just some.

Thank you! We still have time to change ours. Would you recommend then just having the reception begin right after and then ending earlier in the evening? (IE- Reception begins at 3:30-ends at 8:30 instead of beginning at 5:00, ending at 10:00?) I wasn't for sure if it was bad etiquette to have a break in general, or have a break and not have any "activities" for guests to be doing in the break time, which is why we were including the appetizer/cocktail hour. Thank you!

sarahdactyI · July 2013

All of FI's friends have done the gap-and-party-bus schtick too. It is really obnoxious to have the gap, and I'd be pretty offended if I were excluded from the bus and he was in the WP. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have gone. Thankfully I am from out of state so all of his friends have included me

that's great that you're understanding about not being included, and even better that you will be able to provide the bus to all of your WP SOs.

But yeah. There really shouldn't be a gap. As far as transportation, I think it is very nice to provide for WP SOs since they likely will want to be with their partner. FWIW we are having a 2 PM ceremony and no gap. I've never heard someone complain about getting fed/access to the open bar earlier, but maybe that's just me

BlondieBia21 · July 2013

sarahdactyI said:

All of FI's friends have done the gap-and-party-bus schtick too. It is really obnoxious to have the gap, and I'd be pretty offended if I were excluded from the bus and he was in the WP. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have gone. Thankfully I am from out of state so all of his friends have included me that's great that you're understanding about not being included, and even better that you will be able to provide the bus to all of your WP SOs. But yeah. There really shouldn't be a gap. As far as transportation, I think it is very nice to provide for WP SOs since they likely will want to be with their partner. FWIW we are having a 2 PM ceremony and no gap. I've never heard someone complain about getting fed/access to the open bar earlier, but maybe that's just me

Thank you for your reply! So are you guys just beginning the reception around 3:30 or so, then having the bar and then dinner at around 6? Or do you have a timeline yet? I know there will be no complaints from anyone about having the bar opened earlier, haha but I am worried that some may not want to stay the 3 hours until it's time to eat dinner. That was another one of our reasons for starting it later so that they could just be there for an hour or so and eat and go.. Unfortunately, I've heard from one too many people that people just want the free stuff and then to be on their way. I'm hoping that won't be the case!

STARMOON44 · July 2013

I see nothing wrong with ceremony at 2, cocktail hour with apps from 3:30-5, then dinner served at 5:30 after intros, spotlight dance etc.

KDM323 · July 2013

BlondieBia21 said:

StageManager14 said:

There is no etiquette, because it's bad etiquette to have a break to begin with. Catholic ceremony or not, there is no reason for a gap.

However, yes, if they are having social activities for the WP between the ceremony and reception, they should invite ALL spouses, not just some.

Thank you! We still have time to change ours. Would you recommend then just having the reception begin right after and then ending earlier in the evening? (IE- Reception begins at 3:30-ends at 8:30 instead of beginning at 5:00, ending at 10:00?) I wasn't for sure if it was bad etiquette to have a break in general, or have a break and not have any "activities" for guests to be doing in the break time, which is why we were including the appetizer/cocktail hour. Thank you!

Definitely change yours to make sure there is no gap.

Gaps are horribly rude to your guests.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

We had a mixed situation. We didn't ban spouses like that but not all spouses opted to come. Two spouses did come on the bus. One due to the fact that she doesn't drive and the other was because she recently had surgery and wasn't able to drive yet. The two spouses that didn't join us on the bus opted to drive seperately because they lived on the west side of town. Our reception was on the east side of town so all the wedding party members that lived on that side just met at the reception hall (so their cars would be there at the end of the night) and we had the limo bus pick everyone up from there. Two of my BM lived on the westside (where the ceremoney was) and opted to just meet us at the church and join us on the limo bus to the reception (we did a photo stop on way to reception while cocktail hour was going one) and their husbands (who are also best friends) just went straight to reception for cocktail hour. It was their choice to do this instead of having to get ready earlier to get from west side to east side just to to be on the bus. But had they wanted to come on the bus, they would have been welcomed to do so.

Jen4948 · July 2013

Gaps are rude. But in the space you describe, I think it really isn't cool to include some but not all spouses and SOs of those invited to participate.

cruffino · July 2013

having grown up in a catholic family and community, i see gaps as totally annoying but not rude. they leave time for some "pre-gaming".

Redbride801 · July 2013

There's so many things wrong with this. First of all, excluding people from one side of the family but including all from another isn't a great way to kick off a marriage. Also, I've been to lots of catholic ceremonies with no gap.

STARMOON44 · July 2013

StageManager14 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I see nothing wrong with ceremony at 2, cocktail hour with apps from 3:30-5, then dinner served at 5:30 after intros, spotlight dance etc.

Other than the fact that it leaves guests with 30 minutes to an hour of nothing to do (depending on the length of the ceremony) and a 90 minute cocktail "hour", which is stretching it a bit.

@stage. My bad. I see nothing wrong with this schedule ONLY IF your ceremony is 1.5 hours! But I don't think a 90 minute cocktail hour is stretching it too much, especially at that time of day.

QueerFemme · July 2013

This party bus thing? So, the wedding party gets to go get loaded and drive around for a few hours, while the rest of the guests have to sit and wait for the reception to start?

rudest idea ever.

BlondieBia21 · July 2013

I'll put this as a comment just to be sure it's seen- thank you for all of your replies! I really appreciate it. I will be talking to my FI about changing the timeline of our event now that I know what a no-no the break is. We have already put our payment on our bus which is non-refundable, but I'm sure I can find a way to make it work. And fwiw- we aren't getting loaded while guests are sitting around waiting, we were having a cocktail hour/appetizers and other activities arranged during that time. Our main point of the bus was to have all the wedding party and us be able to go to other locations to take other pictures.

Ashes_3 · July 2013

My cousin had a party bus and left her guest's at the reception hall for 2 1/2 hours. Yes there was a cocktail hour, but nothing else. No music or entertainment. The wedding party finally shows up drunk and people were pissed off for having to wait. The reception ended pretty soon after everyone ate dinner.

MandyandDJB · July 2013

So Interesting!

I was really surprised when I saw all these posts! I've actually NEVER been to a wedding that didn't have a break between the ceremony and reception! haha! Everyone where I am from does the party bus and extra pictures in between as well. Maybe it is because we live in the country so the church where you have your ceremony is usually at least 30 minutes away from where you have your reception? Who knows?

My FI and I will have a break between ours and do the whole party bus thing as well. Around here, that's just what everyone does.

QueerFemme · July 2013

MandyandDJB said:

So Interesting!

I was really surprised when I saw all these posts! I've actually NEVER been to a wedding that didn't have a break between the ceremony and reception! haha! Everyone where I am from does the party bus and extra pictures in between as well. Maybe it is because we live in the country so the church where you have your ceremony is usually at least 30 minutes away from where you have your reception? Who knows?

My FI and I will have a break between ours and do the whole party bus thing as well. Around here, that's just what everyone does.

Just because everyone you know does it, doesn't mean it isn't rude. It just means that everyone you know is rude. If the church is a 30 minute drive to the reception. The only "break" should be that 30 minute drive. You should immediately host your guests after the ceremony. Not make them find something to do while you and your wedding party are out on a party bus.

I honestly cannot understand why people can't understand that this is totally fuggin rude.

ETA: The party bus thing hasn't been around that long, so it's not like people "always" have done it. I'm sure 10-20 years ago, you didn't see a wedding party in a party bus. So, I don't think anyone can use the "this is just how it's always been done" excuse for this rude behavior.

AddieCake · July 2013

StageManager14 said:

So Interesting!

I was really surprised when I saw all these posts! I've actually NEVER been to a wedding that didn't have a break between the ceremony and reception! haha! Everyone where I am from does the party bus and extra pictures in between as well. Maybe it is because we live in the country so the church where you have your ceremony is usually at least 30 minutes away from where you have your reception? Who knows?
My FI and I will have a break between ours and do the whole party bus thing as well. Around here, that's just what everyone does.
How does the reception being in a different location have anything to do with taking photos in other locations and getting drunk on a party bus?

This is my question as well. You should get in the car like everyone else and head your asses to the reception. Taking time to take pictures is ok, but not to tool around on a party bus.

Maggie0829 · July 2013

To speak to the 90 minute cocktail hour point...I was just at a wedding this Saturday and their cocktail hour was a good 90 minutes if not closer to an hour and 45 minutes. My H and the other couple we knew were definitely getting a bit irritated at having to wait so damn long for the reception to start.

CrazyCatLady3 · July 2013

Maggie0829 said:

To speak to the 90 minute cocktail hour point...I was just at a wedding this Saturday and their cocktail hour was a good 90 minutes if not closer to an hour and 45 minutes. My H and the other couple we knew were definitely getting a bit irritated at having to wait so damn long for the reception to start.

I have to agree with this. I get really bored at cocktail hours that last longer than 1 hour. I want to be at my table and get the party going.

BlondieBia21 · July 2013

We've changed our schedule:

Ceremony at 2

Per the Priest, we are doing a full Mass so it'll get done at 3:15. Takes about 30 minutes to get to the reception venue.

I couldn't cancel the bus, so we are going to stop and take pictures for 15 minutes on the way to the reception. The only booze on the bus will be champagne to toast in a picture.

Reception beginning at 4. Our arrival at 4:15. Reception will go until 9:30. We were able to split up our bus time because fortunately there was another event that could use the time of 4:30-9:00. So we split our time, and the bus will be back to pick up wedding party and whoever if they want to continue on the party downtown. (That of course is optional!)

Thank you for everyone who helped me change the plan- I'm hoping that will be better.

Break between ceremony and reception

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