Dying Father

Moontrail · July 2013

My Dad is dying and is wont make it to my wedding day in three years, Im very close with my dad and he means the world to me. Today my Mom asked me if we can move up the wedding so my dad can be there. I talked to my FI and he has refused to move the date and said that it would be irresponsible to get married sooner. When I asked what was the difference between sooner (spring 2014) than in three years his response was simply that he didn't want to. I don't know what to do or think right now

bethsmiles · July 2013

I feel like I need more information. What are your reasons for having such a long engagement in the first place? Are you really young? Not financially stable? Saving up for a dream wedding?

Either way given the circumstances you deserve more of an explanation from your FI than he simply doesn't want to.

elizabetheleven · July 2013

I'm so sorry about your father.

That being said, what was the reasoning your fl gave for moving up the wedding being "irresponsible"? I agree with bethsmiles... I would need more info.

HisGirlFriday13 · July 2013

Moontrail said:
My Dad is dying and is wont make it to my wedding day in three years, Im very close with my dad and he means the world to me. Today my Mom asked me if we can move up the wedding so my dad can be there. I talked to my FI and he has refused to move the date and said that it would be irresponsible to get married sooner. When I asked what was the difference between sooner (spring 2014) than in three years his response was simply that he didn't want to. I don't know what to do or think right now

I also need more information. Specifically, why does your FI think it would be 'irresponsible' to get married sooner?

Other than age and schooling, I can't think of any good reasons to delay a wedding for so long. Three years is a VERY long engagement!

Also, the reason, 'I just don't want to' is the reason a child gives for not wanting to do something. It is not a viable excuse for an adult not to do something.

You and your FI need to have a serious conversation.

Moontrail · July 2013

The reason why were planning in three years is he has a large family and I have a moderate size the wedding would be probably more than 275 people so he says we need to save up for it. I don't mind getting married in the spring with a smaller wedding and I told him that.

We work but we don't make a lot of money so that can be an issue we both have kids from a previous but I cant see that being an issue my son loves him and wants me to marry him. His daughter is 3 and never wants to go home to her own mom

Currently Im in a different city from my FI so I can take care of my family but I hope to be back there with him by October (Dad is having major heart surgery that will give him approx. another year if he makes it, its 50/50)

I asked my FI why and he said that he simply doesn't want to and that again it would be irresponsible to get married any sooner we have been together for a while now and he said that he had always known he would marry me so I don't see the problem of having a intimate wedding in the spring. He just kept saying no and is this going to pull us apart? He still cant give me any real reason.

and Im 31 he is 34 if that helps

bethsmiles · July 2013

Is he willing to discuss options with you at all? I'm still confused about why moving the wedding up would be irresponsible? Is it finances? Is he insisting on a big wedding? I really just can't wrap my head around someone being stubborn on an issue like this.

It would be a deal breaker for me if my SO was more focused on having a big wedding than having the people who are most important to us there.

misssunshine17 · July 2013

If he's not willing to discuss and hear you out, this is a red flag. To be clear, you were engaged prior to finding out about your father's health issues?

Moontrail · July 2013

From what I got from him was that he wants a big flashy wedding to out do his brothers he didn't say it directly but he compares a lot.

finances kind of tight right now with me only working part time to take care of my family but a small wedding with family is doable

I tried to talk to him again and he wont talk about it at all Im feeling a bit ignored by him right now

HisGirlFriday13 · July 2013

If your FI wants to delay so you all can have a big hoopla day, then his priorities are screwed up. I have said previously and I will reiterate now: you prioritise the QUALITY of guests (people who are super important to you) over the QUANTITY of guests (everyone you've ever met). In this case, your father's presence at your wedding should take precedence over having a big party for your whole families. People will understand if you get married in a small ceremony in the spring rather than delaying for three freaking years.

Moontrail · July 2013

yes we were and he knew my dad wasn't well but sadly my dad took a turn for the worst in April and had to be resuscitated and has been on the decline ever since the doctors say the heart surgery will give him about a year if he survives it he also has so many more complications ( end stage diabetic ) they say he can go anytime

misssunshine17 · July 2013

If your FI doesn't want to get married soon so your father can be there so he can outdo his brother's wedding, he is a douchebag. Seriously. Print this out and show it to him. It's really heartless of him.

bethsmiles · July 2013

Moontrail said:

From what I got from him was that he wants a big flashy wedding to out do his brothers he didn't say it directly but he compares a lot.
finances kind of tight right now with me only working part time to take care of my family but a small wedding with family is doable
I tried to talk to him again and he wont talk about it at all Im feeling a bit ignored by him right now

Your FI sounds like an ass. Your FATHER is dying. He should understand why that's more important than some big flashy wedding. Personally, I couldn't marry someone who was that selfish.

Moontrail · July 2013

Im seeing him this weekend and Im going to be talking with him. I want to do it in person I think that's the best thing Im just afraid that if he still says no than I don't want to be with him anymore. my father means a lot to me and I want him to be there when I get married (im a only child as well and has never been married before) I just have never broken up with anyone before so this is kinda all new

QueerFemme · July 2013

I really think it depends on what his version of irresponsible is. If you are working part time, living away from him to take care of your family, maybe he is concerned about what those decisions and financial instability means to your future.

I think if he is using "irresponsible", there must be more to this than him just wanting a flashy wedding. Irresponsible is a pretty big word.

MairePoppy · July 2013

I'm so sorry about your Dad. You're on the right track. If your fi won't take your feelings into consideration, then it's time to break it off.

elizabetheleven · July 2013

I've considered moving up the wedding when we found out about my grandmother's kidney cancer. She was against it and continues to talk about how excited she is for January, even though we are not sure she will be there. She is like a second mother to me so I know its hard.

I must say though, if my fiance was against the idea of moving the date I would be livid.

The purpose of being engaged is to be married, not to have a huge party. Marriage is a huge step. And it seems to me that your fl put a ring on your finger not realizing the result is, well... Marriage!

Weezy56 · July 2013

It sounds like your fiancé can't give you a real reason why getting married sooner is "irresponsible". If that's the case, he is a dick.

NYCMercedes · July 2013

It seems as though you may have dodged a bullet here, if this is how he's responding to a little pressure.

Cheetah2B · July 2013

This. And because I can be emotional like that, and my daddy and grandparents all have bad health, id not only get rid of him, but I'd be saying if my daddy can't be there bc you're trying to impress people, YOUR daddy better not be there either!!!

Otherwise, I'm super sorry bout your family situation. My bridesmaid is going thru something similar. Her father had dual lung transplant and his body rejected it. It could be awhile before another donation comes thru, and that's not only if he makes it til then, but if his body accepts it :-/

I'd let the douche go. There is NO way to excuse this to me. As one pp said, it's quality, not quantity. To me, your feelings don't seem to matter, and I hate to see what's his opinion of important things are later.

KDM323 · July 2013

I'm so sorry about your Dad.

If my fiance told me that a big flashy wedding was more important than my father being able to be there...he wouldn't be my fiance any longer.

Unless there is more to this story, then he sounds like a self-centered jerk who is more about appearances than substance.

BostonGIrl4732 · July 2013

diintrp · July 2013

It seems we are all in agreement, that having a wedding with your father is more important that a flashy wedding years down the line. If you are still wanting to proceed... Maybe some couseling together will help you understand why he needs to wait and will help him understand why you dont want to wait. Really, I cant imagine my wedding without my daddy...

emeejeeayen · July 2013

I hope this isn't insensitive to say, but is it possible your FI does not believe your dad will survive until the spring? And then you'll have sent out invitations and spent money on a wedding specifically for your dad to attend, but then he won't be able to, AND you'll be grieving? Perhaps he thinks it's best to wait three years because of that. Have you tried suggesting you get married like... now?

kmmssg · July 2013

I agree with everyone else that he is being a first class jerk.

I am a 3 time MOB, about to be a 4 time MOB. I would never, ever in a million years want my DD to lose out on her dream wedding because I was dying.

Flip side:

I was orphaned at 10 and never had my parents at any life events like graduations, babies, weddings, or even the birth of my grandbabies. From that POV, I would have sold my soul to have had the experience with them. For me as a bride, knowing what I know, I would have moved everything in a heartbeat. The dream wedding would have meant nothing vs a smaller one with them there.

Here is where I want to be gentle, but I have a couple of questions.

1. Am I understanding that if your father's upcoming surgery is successful he "may" last another year? You also said he was end stage diabetic which usually indicates renal failure. Am I off base on this?

2. With your father being so terribly ill, are you sure you want to wait til Spring 2014? That is 9 months away and 3/4's of the year you are hoping for. If your father is on such limited time, his quality of life will decrease during those months.

Even if you can get your FI to agree to move the wedding, are you sure you want to wait that long?

Please know I mean this all with tremendous respect towards your situation.

Comipa · July 2013

Maybe you could have a small ceremony and then plan that huge wedding HE wants for a later date. My FI mother had been battling cancer the whole time we'd been dating. We got engaged last September and at the time she was doing well so we planned for a 2014 wedding.

Last January she started getting worse so my FI and I made the choice to up our wedding to this coming September in 2013. We wanted her to be there. Unfortunately she passed away in February. Her decline was very fast. She was okay Friday afternoon, in the hospital Friday night, gone by Sunday night.

We are keeping the 2013 date but both of us would give anything for her to be there.

If your FI isn't willing to make some kind of compromise then he probably cares more about how he will look to his friends and family than about you having all your family there.

doeydo · July 2013

First off, I am sorry for your father's ill health. Why not have a smaller wedding with your closest family members so that you father can attend and perhaps, if you want to, have a bigger reception/party later. From what I have read, the groom seems selfish, insensitive, and like he wants the big wedding more than he wants to be married to you.

sarabopp · July 2013

I am very sorry about your father's heath. It is not an easy thing to deal with a sick family member.

My fiance and I got engaged in December. We planned to get married in the spring of 2014 so that we would have plenty of time to save up to plan our dream wedding. FI wants a much bigger and fancier wedding than me.
My dad's cancer got a lot worse and the doctor's adjusted his timeline. We decided to have a smaller, less flashy wedding and skip a honeymoon so that we can get married in the fall. I visited my dad in the hospital and brought pictures of venues, cakes, etc. so that he felt involved (he and my sisters told me how much he loved it!). He would tell the doctors that he was going home and would be at my wedding. My dad is doing a lot better and fingers crossed, he will be able to walk me down the aisle and dance with me.

My FI never blinked an eye when we talked about moving the wedding and changing our plans. I hope that your FI is showing you kindness and respect during your difficult time.

On another note- my cousin was supposed to get married two weeks after us (they also had a short engagement planned due to her FI's sick dad). Unfortunately FI dad passed away sooner than expected. The passing and grief have been hard on them so they are now waiting until next year, when celebrating will feel better for them.

I wish you the best of luck- stay strong!

Dying Father

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