Wedding Woes

Anyone ever tell you you're making a mistake?

I recently had a falling out with my MOH over me and my fiances wedding. First, here's some back story. Me and my fiance broke up for about a month because we were fighting a lot - he was working 80 hours a week and I was working and going to school full time. The stress about money and general stress from our busy lives wore us down until we both pretty much gave up. After about a month though we realized we weren't ready to give up completely and worked things out and have since gotten back together...so far things have been really good (he got a better job only working 40 hours a week which has helped tremendously). I announced that the wedding would be back on (even though its not scheduled for another year) and that we would be making a deposit on a venue in the coming month since it will be a year out. My bff and MOH was not pleased and told me I was rushing things and that she didnt think I was making a good choice. This really upset me - mostly because when I think about talking about planning my wedding with my best friend I want it to be exciting but instead it felt clouded in negativity. I politely told her that we both made mistakes in the past but were ready to move forward and she said "The past is the best indication of the future". I got even more upset and pretty much told her I didn't ask for her opinion and that a little support would be nice. Then she flew off the handle and said I was being rude to someone who only cares  and that I go and have fun in my relationship that's "progressing into a failed marriage that u can't afford to get out of" as she put it. I am such a forgiving person, that I would probably reconcile with her if she approached me. But how can I still be her friend when she doesn't believe in my future marriage? Has anyone else been in a situation like this - where someone has voiced their opinion about your marriage or told you you were making a mistake? 

Re: Anyone ever tell you you're making a mistake?

  • Yes! That is kind of a crappy friend. I think she should have voiced her opinion and then moved on.

    I have 4 close cousins who sat me down in March and said that they would support me in my future marriage but wanted me to make sure I was happy and not marrying him b/c he is the father of my child. They witnessed something's they did not like. There are times where FI has yelled at me at a family function. I don't like to fight especially in public so in their viewpoint I seemed like a submissive women who was treated with disrespect. They thought I was scared of him and do not stand up for myself.

    I brought this up to him and he apologized and he seriously had no idea how he was coming across. He grew up that way. My family being Asian we are big on respect and saving face. If you're angry u suck it up and address the issue in private.

    So you are not alone. I luckily have full support of them now since I made it clear he is the one for me. Nobody is perfect. Im glad they brought it up and were honest with me. It gave me a chance to talk with FI about respect.

    If she is a true friend she will apologize and support your decision even if she may not agree with it.
  • fmbyofmbyo member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its
    Yeah, my Mom was dead set against the wedding from the start.

    On the one hand, you're the only one who knows what's in your heart.

    On the other hand, is this woman known to try and just ruin your life? Is there a chance she's saying what she's saying out of concern and love for you? Maybe you should try to take a step back and evaluate what she's saying. It's hard, but try to take the way you feel about your fiance out of this and think about what you would say to someone in this circumstance. Don't cut her out of your life because she said this, consider her words and the intent behind them.
  • I think you just learned a very valuable lesson. 

    I'm assuming you probably shared some of the frustrations and heartache you were going through with BFF, yes? 

    Then you and FI work it out, get back together and start making things stronger.

    Your BFF doesn't get to see/witness any of the "work it out, get back together, make things stronger" or the wheeling/dealing things that had to happen.  She just remembers "My BFF was hurt, crying and now she's happy?  She's an idiot" and is being protective. 

    I would forgive her and work on repairing that relationship and reassuring her when you can.  Then remind yourself that you and your future husband's relationship needs to stay between you and your future husband.  If you need to include a 3rd party, you find a therapist that is neutral.

  • The PPs have some good thoughts and advice, and I agree with Varuna. Keep the relationship you have with your FH between you and him, and keep building that relationship and reassuring your friend.

    Yes, this has happened to me as well. My former best friend said we were stupid to get married because, even though we knew each other for 13 years, we hadn't dated long before getting engaged. She is one of those people who believe that you should do what she did and date for 4 years before engagement, and she doesn't understand that when you know it's right, you just know. And, someone on these very boards told me that I was being mentally abused and that I needed to "run".
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  • qtrfanqtrfan member
    Knottie Warrior 10 Comments Combo Breaker

    Yes, my best friend told asked me a few days before I got married if I I shouldn't wait for someone better to marry.   I was 100% sure I was doing the right thing.  Hah!  Sometimes your best friend knows better.  It was a disaster.

     

  • Yes.  I brought my FI, then boyfriend, to my BFFs' family reunion.  Let's just say he did not make a very good first impression....at all.  After I changed my status on FB to engaged (the only wedding related post I have ever made) my BFFs' aunt put on my FB page that I was making a mistake and that I should reconsider and if I did not may the Lord help me or something to that effect.  I promptly delated the post and left her a very terse message about respect.

    My BFFs were also not happy about my engagement at first, and I was worried about what wedding planning would be like.  But they said they would support me no matter what (because that is what true friends do) and wedding planning and sharing things with them have been a joy.

  • The PPs have some good thoughts and advice, and I agree with Varuna. Keep the relationship you have with your FH between you and him, and keep building that relationship and reassuring your friend.

    Yes, this has happened to me as well. My former best friend said we were stupid to get married because, even though we knew each other for 13 years, we hadn't dated long before getting engaged. She is one of those people who believe that you should do what she did and date for 4 years before engagement, and she doesn't understand that when you know it's right, you just know. And, someone on these very boards told me that I was being mentally abused and that I needed to "run".
    To be fair, you yourself said that you had cold feet and wanted more time to get settled in the relationship before getting married, so your best friend wasn't wrong. 
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  • After thinking about the whole situation and hearing everyone's own story, I feel better about the situation. I will find out soon enough if she is a "true friend" or not if she decides to apologize. It sucks it had to happen in the first place but I won't let it get me down ... or ruin the planning experience. Thanks everyone!
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