Overstepping Boundaries...

lyndsay782 · July 2013

This is kind of a vent, and kind of validation of my thought process....

So I have a friend who is not in the wedding, but keeps trying to control things as if she were. On top of my AP bridesmaid, this friend We can call her J for abbreivations sake)is getting on my nerves with her picking and choosing which etiquette rules she wants to follow. In an effort to save money, and in tradition of other weddings within my church I planned to pass out the invites to the guests myself, and began to do so on Sunday. J stopped me halfway through and decided that what I was doing was rude, and that it would "hurt people's feelings to see me doing so". She then took them from me and demanded that I let her do it. She then stated that my MOH should be doing it (as if that would be any less obvious), but that she would now "HAVE" to do it for me. Not one to start a scene before church services began, I very hesitantly allowed her to do so. She even tried to tell the FI that we were "wrong", and that we needed to be more considerate of people's feelings because "we are popular, and people may still want to come to the shower if they can't come to the wedding." (NOTE: I've asked MOH not to invite anyone who's not on the invited list, so as to not breech this rule, and she feels the same way.)

I felt like I was dealing with "Jashley" all over again. It's like people have passed invites out more than once, and we weren't given one. We didn't think twice about it. Those same people are the ones we aren't close to, and aren't being invited because we don't interact outside of service. I was sort of stupified and shocked that she was talking to us as if it were a 3rd grade birthday party.

Was I in the wrong to pass out my own wedding invitations? J's actions really rubbed me the wrong way, and I know I need to address her controlling issues (I am having lunch with her tomorrow to attempt to talk to her about this). J also sent me a text basically saying that if I do favors, she HAS to be there to help.

What is it with all these people trying to control our wedding? Apparently, I might need to start acting like a "bridezilla" and start telling people to back off a little more....

Jen4948 · July 2013

Well, if not everyone at the church was invited, then I do think you should have mailed your invitations rather than distribute them at the church. But I do think it was wrong of J to snatch them away from you, hand them out herself, and talk down to you.

You might say to her, "J, I did not appreciate your deciding that what I was doing was 'wrong,' taking my invitations away from me, and handing them out yourself. Going forward, I will decide what, if anything, I want my attendants to do. I also won't put up with you talking down to me, because I am not your kid or your student. If you ever do these things again in the future, it will impact on our friendship."

[Deleted User] · July 2013

I think your friend is being rude, but I agree-- it may not have been that wise to hand out invitations in plain sight of people not getting one. Granted, they should be grown ups and deal with it, but it could hurt people's feelings.

kmmssg · July 2013

Yep, what Jen said.

OP - you can't just fold like that because someone stirs up a commotion, especially this person. Put a stop to her actions instead of handing over whatever it is she is demanding.

harper0813 · July 2013

I'm of the opinion that it's best to mail invitations. Others not receiving them may feel snubbed, and people that do receive them can lose them easily.

Maggie0829 · July 2013

I don't think you should have handed out your wedding invites. Even though it has been done before and you weren't offended by not getting an invite or two doesn't mean that others feel the same ay. And as for the money you are saving by not mailing them is a very tiny drop in the overall wedding budget bucket.

As for your friend "J", I think how she handled the situation was very inappropriate. I would talk to her about the situation like Jen suggested and at any moment from this point forward where she is overstepping her boundaries just politely let her know or tell her "thanks but you can handle it."

lyndsay782 · July 2013

For the record, I wasn't doing it in plain site. I was actually tactfully handing them to each person, underhandedly, or as they casually walked past me in the hall way. It wasn't like I ran in screaming "HEY! HERE'S YOUR INVITE!!!"

I was actually trying to be mindful of peoples' sensitivities. J actually brought more attention to the matter than I was doing by passing them out.

kmmssg

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Yeah, I get that, but there's a pretty good chance that someone not invited would still see it.

And for everything else, just stand up to her. She NEEDS to be there for favors? If she asks again, just say you've got it under control and change the subject.

QueerFemme · July 2013

lyndsay782 said:

For the record, I wasn't doing it in plain site. I was actually tactfully handing them to each person, underhandedly, or as they casually walked past me in the hall way. It wasn't like I ran in screaming "HEY! HERE'S YOUR INVITE!!!"

I was actually trying to be mindful of peoples' sensitivities. J actually brought more attention to the matter than I was doing by passing them out.

kmmssg

I still think you should have mailed them instead of passing them out in a public place.

lyndsay782 · July 2013

Ok. Got it. Next time I have an event, I'll mail invites.

phira · July 2013

I agree with other folks that it's rude to hand out invitations instead of mailing them, specifically because some people might see what you're doing and feel left out. HOWEVER, done is done.

I would make it very clear to J that if you want her help, you will ask her for it. And, more specifically, if you do NOT ask for her help, you do not want it. Use specific examples as well.

"J, I understand that handing out the invitations was bad etiquette on my part. However, the way you treated me about that was completely inappropriate. You should not have taken the invitations from me; if I had wanted you to hand them out for me, I would have asked you. And you are not entitled to help me with making favors, or participate in any other projects. If I want your help, I will ask for it. However, I have not asked for it, and the way you are treating me is not okay. This is my wedding, not yours, and if you cannot treat me kindly and respectfully, then I'd prefer it if you left me alone."

lyndsay782 · July 2013

phira said:

"J, I understand that handing out the invitations was bad etiquette on my part. However, the way you treated me about that was completely inappropriate. You should not have taken the invitations from me; if I had wanted you to hand them out for me, I would have asked you. And you are not entitled to help me with making favors, or participate in any other projects. If I want your help, I will ask for it. However, I have not asked for it, and the way you are treating me is not okay. This is my wedding, not yours, and if you cannot treat me kindly and respectfully, then I'd prefer it if you left me alone."

I may have to borrow your words at my lunch tomorrow. Thank you.

KDM323 · July 2013

I'd probably have laughed in her face when she told me that I *HAD* to include her in something.

I don't think this woman is truly your friend...I think she's a busy body who wants to be right at the heart of any potential drama, attention, etc.

kmmssg · July 2013

lyndsay782 said:

phira said:

"J, I understand that handing out the invitations was bad etiquette on my part. However, the way you treated me about that was completely inappropriate. You should not have taken the invitations from me; if I had wanted you to hand them out for me, I would have asked you. And you are not entitled to help me with making favors, or participate in any other projects. If I want your help, I will ask for it. However, I have not asked for it, and the way you are treating me is not okay. This is my wedding, not yours, and if you cannot treat me kindly and respectfully, then I'd prefer it if you left me alone."

I may have to borrow your words at my lunch tomorrow. Thank you.

If you do use those words, please promise an update!

lyndsay782 · July 2013

scribe95 This woman isn't even in my BP!!! I know how controlling she can be, so I didn't ask her, because I was trying to avoid this type of stuff...

Weddings apparently bring out the control freak in everyone around me...

loca4pook · July 2013

Yes, you were wrong if people received invitations in front of others who were NOT invited.

lyndsay782 · July 2013

kmmssg

I didn't use your exact words, but I did bring up the subject to the extent of telling her "it wasn't cool" and she apologized for being rude to me about it.

I then bean dipped the heck out of her for the next 30 minutes when it came to wedding stuff. She then told me I wasn't excited enough about the "details". I proceeded to bean dip her some more.

It's hard to get excited about the details when everyone around me keeps attacking me about these stupid things like whether or not I'm having favors or wasting money on things that I've already said no to, because they are a wasted expense. Like having an additional dessert table for people who don't want cake. Not gonna do it.

phira · July 2013

Good for you, and thanks for updating us!!

kmmssg · July 2013

thanks for the update! Sounds like you did a great job.

FizzySips · July 2013

phira said:

"J, I understand that handing out the invitations was bad etiquette on my part. However, the way you treated me about that was completely inappropriate. You should not have taken the invitations from me; if I had wanted you to hand them out for me, I would have asked you. And you are not entitled to help me with making favors, or participate in any other projects. If I want your help, I will ask for it. However, I have not asked for it, and the way you are treating me is not okay. This is my wedding, not yours, and if you cannot treat me kindly and respectfully, then I'd prefer it if you left me alone."

Wait? Is this good advice? I thought that you only accept offers for help, that you shouldn't make unsolicited requests.

Or is this a great way of permanently bean-dipping this "friend"?

lyndsay782 · July 2013

I have semi permanently bean dipped her, but she regularly texts to find out if I need help yet. So telling her I'd let her know has worked for the most part... except that she wants to help more...

I think when someone volunteers to help before you ask them, it's ok...

phira · July 2013

FizzySips said:

phira said:

"J, I understand that handing out the invitations was bad etiquette on my part. However, the way you treated me about that was completely inappropriate. You should not have taken the invitations from me; if I had wanted you to hand them out for me, I would have asked you. And you are not entitled to help me with making favors, or participate in any other projects. If I want your help, I will ask for it. However, I have not asked for it, and the way you are treating me is not okay. This is my wedding, not yours, and if you cannot treat me kindly and respectfully, then I'd prefer it if you left me alone."

Wait? Is this good advice? I thought that you only accept offers for help, that you shouldn't make unsolicited requests.

Or is this a great way of permanently bean-dipping this "friend"?

In this case, this friend is CONSTANTLY offering to help, so that's a way of saying, "I know you want to help, but right now I don't need it," without saying, "I NEVER WANT IT."

We're going to ask some friends for help if we need to, but it'll always be optional (and we're going to pay "friendors," like my friend who's a photographer). There's nothing wrong with, "Hey, I was wondering if you could help me out with the paper flowers. It's okay if you can't!" There's something wrong with, "You are my bridesmaid, so here's what you have to DIY for me."

amorrison340 · July 2013

I have also felt the urge to become bridezilla lately, due to other people's behavior. I get the feeling that there is no other why to get through to these difficult people. My guess is that your friend is really excited and probably somewhat jealous of your and your bridal party and might even be trying to show you how good she would be as an attendant. I would thank her for her offer to help but not say anything more about it. THIS WILL BE DIFFICULT (at least it is for me).

Just set a date for it. If your bridal party is helping with favors and something and she finds out about it, before or after just tell her you wanted it to be a bonding time for your bridal party/family/whoever is helping. It's easier just not to talk about it. Talking about risks you getting stressed and upset and could lead to a hurt friend.

I think she was out of line to criticize you handing out the invites, I also think it would have been better to mail them but if she didn't like it she simply should not do that when she gets married. The wedding in the grand scheme is short time frame, you don't want to end up with a permanently damaged friendship.

Just find a calming mantra and say it continuously and greatly limit your time with annoying person. This is how I keep my inner Hulk in check.

Good luck

lyndsay782 · July 2013

@amorrison340

This is why I love the knot. I always know I'm not the only one who feels the way I do... Why do weddings bring out the crazy in everyone but the brides, and we get called bridezillas just for wanting people to be how they are normally?

Overstepping Boundaries...

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