Moms and Maids

Mother getting Married 7 Months prior to my own Wedding

I've never posted on any type of forum before. I decided to do this to get some outside opinions about the current situation I'm in.

Here's my story....

I am 25 years old. My fiancee and I become engage on January 10, 2013 after six years of being together and living together for about 2 years. We are both very excited to guest married and have to set a date of April 27, 2014 in order to give ourselves plenty of time to save and plan our wedding.

On May 5, 2013 my mom sends me a picture of an engagement ring on her hand with no other text. I found this to be shocking because to my knowledge she did not have a current boyfriend. There was only a man I was able to meet once at her home when he came to pick her up at her house for a date, who she introduce as her friend.

My mom and her fiancee went to high school together about 16 years ago. My mom has been in constant contact with his sister over the 16 years, but only recently started communicating with him again  since January this year.

The engagement occurred before my mother's Fiance had met my younger brother who is 21 and lives one hour drive away from us.

After the shock of the engagement, my mom and her fiance have decided to set a wedding date of September 15, 2013. Which is 7 months prior to my own wedding. She sees know reason why she should wait and is currently planning a big elaborate wedding.

Before I give any more details or opinions I would love to hear what others think about my current situation. Feel free to asks questions to get more background if you like. 

Re: Mother getting Married 7 Months prior to my own Wedding

  • You get one day. Unless your mom isn't mentally stable, there's no reason to be upset over her marrying 7 months before you.
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
  • Not sure what you are worried about. It's seven months before your wedding. Let it go and be happy for your mom
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  • When you have a long engagement (or any length of engagement, really), it is very presumptuous of you to think no one else can get engaged/married in that time. And your mother is an adult who can do as she pleases. You and all your siblings are adults and do not live with her, so I see no reason to expect her boyfriend to meet all of you before becoming engaged. How often do all of you really see them, anyway?

    If you cannot be happy for your mother and wish her congratulations, it would be most prudent to say nothing at all.
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  • I've never posted on any type of forum before. I decided to do this to get some outside opinions about the current situation I'm in.

    Here's my story....

    I am 25 years old. My fiancee and I become engage on January 10, 2013 after six years of being together and living together for about 2 years. We are both very excited to guest married and have to set a date of April 27, 2014 in order to give ourselves plenty of time to save and plan our wedding.

    On May 5, 2013 my mom sends me a picture of an engagement ring on her hand with no other text. I found this to be shocking because to my knowledge she did not have a current boyfriend. There was only a man I was able to meet once at her home when he came to pick her up at her house for a date, who she introduce as her friend.

    My mom and her fiancee went to high school together about 16 years ago. My mom has been in constant contact with his sister over the 16 years, but only recently started communicating with him again  since January this year.

    The engagement occurred before my mother's Fiance had met my younger brother who is 21 and lives one hour drive away from us.

    After the shock of the engagement, my mom and her fiance have decided to set a wedding date of September 15, 2013. Which is 7 months prior to my own wedding. She sees know reason why she should wait and is currently planning a big elaborate wedding.

    Before I give any more details or opinions I would love to hear what others think about my current situation. Feel free to asks questions to get more background if you like. 

    I really don't see the big deal with this. Why does it bother you? Were you expecting her to help pay for your wedding and now you're afraid she won't have th funds? I can understand being upset that you and your siblings don't know this man.
  • scribe95 said:
    I might sideeye the big elaborate wedding part but she can have it whenever she wants. It sounds like you have judgment in general on her getting engaged and are throwing a bit of a child hissy fit that it is happeneing before yours.

    Why side-eye the big wedding? If my mother remarried, I'd be happy for her to have a big wedding bash.

    Otherwise - yeah, you get a day. You don't get to claim whole periods of time. The sooner you let this go, the better it will be for the both of you.

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  • Ditto PP. You get one day -- and an engagement of more than a year certainly precludes you from being upset if other people get married before you do.

    Now, if you're concerned that your mother is rushing into this and hasn't adequately considered this marriage, that's a different ball of wax.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • edited July 2013
    Did you expect others to put their lives on hold while you plan and execute your wedding? Has anyone else noticed a lot of questions, lately, from brides who think that because they were waiting for their engagement/wedding for many years that they think no one else should get married between their engagements and weddings. What's with that?

    Try to put 2 + 2 together. Your mom has kept in touch with this man's sister for 16 years. Your mom's youngest child just turned 21; you're getting married. She's FREE. Free to live her own life. It's likely that she's known this man for a long time and was hoping one day, when she was free and he was free that they might have a life together. You should be happy that your mom has her own life because moms that have no interest outside of their children's lives can be burdensome. That is, unless you and your husband want to be responsible for her happiness?

    As for her big wedding? Once upon a time, it was expected that second weddings be simple events. That idea is passe. Your mom has a right to celebrate her marriage any way she likes, just as you do. I hope you will congratulate her and show some enthusiasm. Your mom's wedding doesn't diminish the importance of yours, in any way.

    Congratulations on your engagement.

    ETA- Fiance is a French word. One 'e' on the end for a man. Two 'ee's on the end for a female
                       
  • edited July 2013
    OP - why are you upset? Aren't you happy your mom is in love and getting married? 

    To be completely honest, it sounds like you're judging her relationship hard. It seems like you're trying to draw parallels between your relationship with your FI and her relationship with her FI (how long you've been together, how long you waited to become engaged, the fact that you've lived together, etc.) to marginalize her relationship. You mention your brother - what does he have to do with the span of time between the weddings?

    I would not worry about these weddings being close together. Just a reference for how long 7.5 months is - if she got married today, you wouldn't get married until after Valentine's day of next year.

    To me, it sounds more like you don't approve of her relationship than you're upset about the span of time between the weddings. It also sounds like you feel slighted that she hasn't communicated more to you about her personal life or involved you in meeting this man. Just an observation...
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  • My dad got married in October before my March wedding. Who cares?


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • My mom did almost the exact same thing as yours. I got engaged July of last year and went to her place and met her 'friend' for the first time ever. One month later they're engaged and in October they were married. I was miffed, not about the wedding, but about the fact that everybody else had met the guy before me.

    I'd evaluate how you feel, are you annoyed that your moms wedding is before yours, or are you annoyed that you don't know the first thing about the guy? The latter is a very valid reason, make an effort to get to know your mom's fiancé before the big day so that you can be happy for her, I didn't get the chance to do that. If it's the former, well, your mom has every right to be happy.

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  • Thanks for your feedback. I do wish she would have just let us get to know the guy. I just feel  like she rushing into things. She seems to be more obsessed the wedding than letting this person get to know our family. I do have two 10 year old sisters that are in the home with her and I worry about them too.  I understand everyone's point and reevaluate how I'm looking at the situation. I should be focused on my guy and I. 
  • My mom has never let me enjoy days that should be happy for me. On my birthday she starts arguments with me. In high school she never helped me get ready for dances or even prom, she has always made things about her even graduations ended in tears. I thought on one of the most important days of my life she would try to help make our day special. But now she's planning her own wedding, and not really concerned with mine. I kind of feel like shes rushing just to make sure her wedding is before mine. And to make things even worse she has chosen the exact same color scheme after I told he my colors as soon as I became engaged. Maybe I am being petty I don't know was just trying to see what this outside world would think. Thanks for your feedback.
  • If your mom has always been that way, she's not going to change now. Don't share any wedding details with her, so you won't have to worry about her stealing your ideas. 
                       
  • Thanks I've learned that now. I just thought that since I told her it wouldn't be amusing to me if we had the same colors she would have picked something different. But you're right I should have known better.
  • I've never posted on any type of forum before. I decided to do this to get some outside opinions about the current situation I'm in.

    Here's my story....

    I am 25 years old. My fiancee and I become engage on January 10, 2013 after six years of being together and living together for about 2 years. We are both very excited to guest married and have to set a date of April 27, 2014 in order to give ourselves plenty of time to save and plan our wedding.

    On May 5, 2013 my mom sends me a picture of an engagement ring on her hand with no other text. I found this to be shocking because to my knowledge she did not have a current boyfriend. There was only a man I was able to meet once at her home when he came to pick her up at her house for a date, who she introduce as her friend.

    My mom and her fiancee went to high school together about 16 years ago. My mom has been in constant contact with his sister over the 16 years, but only recently started communicating with him again  since January this year.

    The engagement occurred before my mother's Fiance had met my younger brother who is 21 and lives one hour drive away from us.

    After the shock of the engagement, my mom and her fiance have decided to set a wedding date of September 15, 2013. Which is 7 months prior to my own wedding. She sees know reason why she should wait and is currently planning a big elaborate wedding.

    Before I give any more details or opinions I would love to hear what others think about my current situation. Feel free to asks questions to get more background if you like. 

    Bluntly: there's nothing to "think about" your "current situation."  In fact, there isn't a "situation" at all.  If you are freaking out about this, for some reason, get over it.

    And congrats to both you AND your mom.
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  • Thanks I've learned that now. I just thought that since I told her it wouldn't be amusing to me if we had the same colors she would have picked something different. But you're right I should have known better.
    I know how you feel about hoping your mom not letting you feel happy about things, and trying to deny you any special feelings.  Probably better than most.  My mom is the same way.   My mom didn't express any interest in any wedding planning activities.  She didn't even want to come to my dress appointment.

    But, that's her problem. She's never really been interested in any of my successes (she's all up in my failure moments though) or my happiness.  And a wedding isn't going to change that.  Surround yourself with people who do care.  My FMIL is trying to make up for things by being a little too involved in some of the DIY stuff, but it's cause she means well.  And as annoying as it can be, it's nice to know someone cares.  Find your own version of that, it helps.   

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  • Wait sorry I'm confused...your mom graduated highschool 16 years ago, but you were born 25 years ago?  
  • I'd say give your mom her day, and then you get your day.

    My very wise sister (ex-step sister, at any rate, but we're very close, she's my BM) once said that sometimes you just have to forget, you might not be able to forgive what was done to you, but you can try to forget. I've since employed that thinking and have found it much easier to deal with my mom's somewhat selfish tendencies. I may not always like or agree with it, but I take a moment to get mad and frustrated about it, I vent to my FI, and then I'm done. Please try to forget the offenses if you can't forgive them in time for your mothers day, you'll be much happier if you do.

    You have seven months between her wedding and yours, that is a lot of time to plan your wedding, maybe even with your mom's help, but don't feel too slighted if she doesn't help, it's not going to make you feel any better, in fact, it'll make you feel worse. She may be so blinded by the excitement of her own wedding right now that she doesn't even realize that she's hurting you.

    If you really are miffed about her choosing the same colours as you, you've got plenty of time to change your colour scheme. If your mother asks why just say you and FI decided you liked these colours better. If you are set on the colours you have chosen, take it as a compliment from you mom and realize that, in the end, it's one day of the rest of your life, while you want it to be perfect, you are marrying your best friend. And, in the words of a good friend of mine, your day will be perfect, things may go wrong, but you may never notice them.

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  • My younger brother is getting married the weekend before me. I understand feeling odd about having another wedding so close to yours. There was some shock when I first found out, but that will wear off.  You will realize that your moms wedding will be awesome and your wedding will be awesome. Be happy for her and enjoy your engagement. It sounds like you both will be very busy.
  • Um, good for your mom and congratulations to both of you. I don't understand what your potential issue is. Other people and other family members are allowed to get married in the same year. You realize that right? 
    ~* Matron of Honor *~

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  • My brother got married in May, I am getting married in October. No one cares.

    It sound like you are more upset with the overall relationship between your mom and her FI, and you and your mom. If your mom has thrown a wrench into important days in the past, don't expect her to change for your wedding. You don't have to involve her in the planning. You have your FI for support and decision making now.

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  • hockeywife10hockeywife10 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited July 2013
    I got engaged in October, and in February, we decided on this August (17 days!!!). I was overjoyed, than my mother got engaged and made her own wedding September 20th. I am upset as it is, because my father is deceased, and I never expected this. With that aside, I have been upset, because every time I mention my wedding, she turns it around to her. She wouldn't even go dress shopping with me, because she said I would get mad if she looked at dresses fro herself... I don't care about sharing the spotlight, so to speak, its everything else!
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  • Wait sorry I'm confused...your mom graduated highschool 16 years ago, but you were born 25 years ago?  

    I'm confused too. Did she have you when she was nine?
  • I've never posted on any type of forum before. I decided to do this to get some outside opinions about the current situation I'm in.

    Here's my story....

    I am 25 years old. My fiancee and I become engage on January 10, 2013 after six years of being together and living together for about 2 years. We are both very excited to guest married and have to set a date of April 27, 2014 in order to give ourselves plenty of time to save and plan our wedding.

    On May 5, 2013 my mom sends me a picture of an engagement ring on her hand with no other text. I found this to be shocking because to my knowledge she did not have a current boyfriend. There was only a man I was able to meet once at her home when he came to pick her up at her house for a date, who she introduce as her friend.

    My mom and her fiancee went to high school together about 16 years ago. My mom has been in constant contact with his sister over the 16 years, but only recently started communicating with him again  since January this year.

    The engagement occurred before my mother's Fiance had met my younger brother who is 21 and lives one hour drive away from us.

    After the shock of the engagement, my mom and her fiance have decided to set a wedding date of September 15, 2013. Which is 7 months prior to my own wedding. She sees know reason why she should wait and is currently planning a big elaborate wedding.

    Before I give any more details or opinions I would love to hear what others think about my current situation. Feel free to asks questions to get more background if you like. 
    What the what?!
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    Anniversary
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  • Maybe OP meant 26 years ago and it was a typo?
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  • that little poodle dancing is making me so warm n' fuzzy. I just had to say this. Carry on. 
    ~* Matron of Honor *~

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  • kjlambkjlamb member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    the EXACT same thing happened to me-except it was my dad and they are getting married on mine & my fiancee's 1yr anniversary. it is no big deal just keep your head up. they did not pick the wedding date to annoy you. Just be as happy as you can, even when its hard. you will only have one mother. 


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  • I got married the day before a wedding I was MOH in.

    Be happy for your mother, I am sure she is happy for you.
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