Settling on a Ring?

ANPierce25 · July 2013

Hello Everyone,

I have a question that has been rolling around in my head and I guess half of me is hoping to get people's thoughts on the matter and the other half is just trying to say it "out loud" in the hopes that it will not be one of those thoughts/secrets that slowly eats away at you for no real reason.

Ok so my boyfriend and I have been together for over 7 years now, moved to three different states together, been through MASSIVE relationship issues and are still standing and in love. Through out all of this he knew the end game for me was the engagement, marriage, and children (down the road), which he wants as well. However we have had hard financial times and harder relationship times. Now he is working part time and just found out he was hired for a second part time job. He has some financial responsibilities but I was hoping that with this influx of the income that engagement might be a stronger possibility. Throughout our time together we have been to many jewelry stores and have been through the process of picking rings. I have started off wanting the BIG ring (you know the one that could pay for a car), only to downsize every time we would go to a new store, firstly because a ring that expensive worries me since I am accident prone and secondly because he didn't have the money for the BIG rings. So now here we are 7 years into this and I have picked a ring that is like at the most 69 dollars, but I love the designer, and its a blue opal instead of a diamond.

My question is, have I sacrificed my "ring" for the sake of finally getting engaged or now a days is it not about the cost but the feeling a love you have for the ring. I know that sounds superficial but its a concern that I am so impatient for the next step in our lives, and I think he would take it if he could afford the ring (actually I know this because he has said as much).

On a second question what ring do you all have, stone and such..

Thanks guys for listening to my insanity and for letting me get this off my chest!

Blue & White · July 2013

I wasn't all that concerned with the ring but I gave my fi a list of a few that I liked. Then he went to the jeweler and picked out mine. I told him he could use a ring I already had (my gmas engagement ring that I wear on my right hand).

But he wanted a new one. So it's a diamond with a special kind of cut to make it look shinier and it's like....0.7 carats? He also had it set really low in the setting so that it looks smaller than it is. I'm not really in to flashy.

That being said in the end of the day it matters that you're getting married. But if the ring matters to you make sure you are truthful when saying what you like. And realize that that isn't necessarily a guarantee that you'll end up with that. And that might be okay. Or it might not. That's up to you

Enjoy this time. It's pretty fun not knowing when he will ask but still enjoying the present.

Jessica41381 · July 2013

I may be of a different breed when I say this but when it came to my engagement ring my fiancé and I didn't go and look a rings. The ring and proposal were a complete surprise done all by my fiancé. So with that said you can tell him your ideas for the ring you like or let him pick out what he wants. My fiancé had no idea what kind of ring I would like but he did an amazing job.

My ring is a princess cut solitaire

Peaseblossom55 · July 2013

I was surprised with the ring FI got me I hinted at several bands I like but he probably spent three times more than I would have ever asked for him too. We never went ring shopping. Of course I wanted I diamond but I would have been happy with a twist tie. I got a round diamond with two side diamonds and a diamond pave band. To me it was more about the symbolism than what the ring looked like. If you get a less expensive ring now once you are more settled can you guys try to upgrade the ring or stone on one of your anniversaries?

leia1979 · July 2013

The cost of the ring has never mattered. The DeBeers diamond company came up with the one month salary "rule" that became three months so they could get even more money out of people. The ring is symbolic. Heck, in more austere times, rings were made from thimbles with the top cut off.

My H wanted to buy a diamond. I personally think they are not worth the money. The center stone of my ring is Lannyte, a name brand of CZ with a company warranty. It has tiny pave diamonds in the setting. It is still the most expensive piece of jewelry I own but was about 25% of the cost of the same ring with a diamond.

phira · July 2013

My partner and I discussed rings a lot, and had to keep changing how we planned to do engagement rings. Eventually, we agreed to both wear engagement rings until we were married (and then on special occasions) and that we'd split the cost of both rings.

I originally did not want to wear an engagement ring at ALL, and we were going to try to find a ring for me and one for him that were about the same price. Unfortunately, all the rings he liked were either on the low end of our budget ($100 or less) or too expensive for us. And while I was happy with an inexpensive ring, the only rings we both liked were way out of our price range. We eventually decided to spend most of our budget on my ring so that we would have one we both liked, and we found a great ring for him for under $100 that we love.

My ring (which is finally finished--we're picking it up this week!!) is a very small round blue sapphire in a simple bezel setting, with a split shank around the setting. We're going to find out on Friday if the jeweler was able to fit in some filigree; because we're broke and picked such a tiny stone, there wasn't much room for it.

An engagement ring is just a symbol for your love and commitment to each other. It's not a necessity, and @leia1979 has already pointed out that the diamond industry is just trying to make money off of you. That's not to say that you're a bad or shallow person for wanting a big ring. You just have to keep reminding yourself that this ISN'T about settling. Are you settling on your fiance? No. So just remind yourself: it's just a ring. You don't love each other less just because your ring is less expensive. You are not going to have a less awesome marriage just because you aren't getting THE RING OF YOUR DREAMS. I'm not getting my dream ring either (oh honey, it would have been beautiful). You'll be okay.

CLoGreenEyes · July 2013

@leia1979's post was awesome - there is a much simpler history behind engagement rings than we might believe from commercials, movies, etc. There is nothing wrong with wanting the symbol or having particular tastes that describe that symbol, but just remember that that's all it is. A $69 ring is just as much of a representation of your love and commitment as a $6900 ring, and the only thing that matters is that you both like it. If anybody gets judgmental about it, eff them. The price tag isn't the contest here; it's whether he got a ring he knew you would like and wants to commit to you for the rest of your lives. And it sounds like you have that.

Story time! When BF and I first started dating, I found out (during a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond, humorously enough) that he adamantly believes that no one should have to buy jewelry to show he loves someone, which was rather opposite my beliefs at the time, lol. Since then, we have both evened out our expectations a LOT, just based on him understanding that the symbol would mean a lot to me and I am not expecting anything outrageously expensive, and me seeing that he demonstrates his love and commitment in many other ways than buying me pretty things. Now, I would be the first to set somebody straight if they said he doesn't love me because he writes me a card instead of buying me stuff for my birthday or whatever.

He has set a fairly generous budget for the engagement ring, and my tastes are such that I doubt he will need all of it to get me something I love. I am not engaged yet, so I don't know what he will end up going with, but I have found that I like CZ, white topaz, and other clear stones that aren't necessarily diamonds, and I also reallyreallyreally love peridot and sapphires of almost any color. I also like silver/white gold bands that have some sort of design to them. Based on some very preliminary research (I don't want to get too into it since we are still a year or so away from getting engaged), I think what I like will cost at most between $400 and $600, and likely much less than that.

a13049 · July 2013

You could get a smaller/cheaper engagement ring now, and a wedding band you love. Then down the road when finances are better upgrade your e-ring and keep the wedding band, since that is what is given during the wedding ceremony. Or get a set you love and set it with a cz, or enhanced diamond and maybe at 5-10 year anniversary set it with a proper.

loves2shop4shoes · July 2013

You need to decide which is more important to you...getting engaged sooner or holding out for an expensive ring.

One question though...if you can't afford an engagement ring, how are you planning on paying for a wedding? That's something you really need to assess.

My ring is a 1.0 ct cushion cut diamond. It's an E color, if I remember correctly. Anyway, the setting is white gold and I've got 0.7 ish cts of smaller pave diamonds on the band. I used to remember more details, but it's been too long since my SQUEE I JUST GOT ENGAGED time.

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

I'm just going to chime in here and say the opals are brittle and don't stand up well to everyday wear. On the Moh scale of hardness a diamond is a 10 (strongest), a sapphire is a 9, and an opal is a 6. Also, if the opal is a doublet or triplet you can't get it wet.

Just wanting to give you extra information about your chosen stone. This doesn't mean you shouldn't get it, just that you need to be aware that you will need to be extra careful with your ring.

My ring is a 1ct princess cut 3 stone ring. Colour is H and clarity is VS2. The only reason I have it is because I worked in a jewellery store and I got a huge discount. If I was paying retail I would've picked a created emerald (natural emeralds are a 7 and can have weak areas that make them prone to cracking)

KeptInStitches · July 2013

@Bubbles2014, is there a difference in hardness / general strength between lighter colored emeralds and darker color emeralds? I adore dark emeralds but I'm worried that maybe there's something that would make them more brittle in jewelry in general. (I'm not basing this on anything but my own weirdness.) Thanks!

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

I'm not an emerald expect, but it would be safe to assume that the hardness would be similar no matter what the colour.

If you like the look of a darker emerald you could try a created one. The created emeralds I have seen are all dark, although they can probably make them light as well. They are made in a lab so they don't have the weaknesses. They are also a lot more affordable, which is always a bonus!

Hope that helped

Feel free to message me with any jewelery questions. Even though I'm not in the industry anymore I still love talking about it!

bride2b71614 · July 2013

It sounds like you and your bf have been through some crazy times. A ring is a ring, who cares if its 69 dollars or 5,000 dollars? A ring isn't a symbol of how much someone loves you. My parents got engaged with a post it note, with a small patch of it colored green (for an emerald). A few months later my dad had enough money to pay for a ring with an emerald. That being said, you can always upgrade (I've seen plenty of couples upgrade on anniversaries) later on.

When my FI went ring shopping, we encountered some serious sticker shock. I fell in love with the heart shaped bezel setting rings. This type of ring is hard to come by, and it often is quite pricey. A little known secret: if you buy a loose gem stone separately and bring it to a jeweler to set it, the cost can go down significantly.My FI used Etsy to custom design a ring (we were very fortunate to find a great jeweler). My ring is a .79 kt heart shaped white sapphire with a rose gold setting, and she did a wonderful job. I hope this helped.

desertsun · July 2013

ANPierce25 said:

Hello Everyone,

I have a question that has been rolling around in my head and I guess half of me is hoping to get people's thoughts on the matter and the other half is just trying to say it "out loud" in the hopes that it will not be one of those thoughts/secrets that slowly eats away at you for no real reason.

Ok so my boyfriend and I have been together for over 7 years now, moved to three different states together, been through MASSIVE relationship issues and are still standing and in love. Through out all of this he knew the end game for me was the engagement, marriage, and children (down the road), which he wants as well. However we have had hard financial times and harder relationship times. Now he is working part time and just found out he was hired for a second part time job. He has some financial responsibilities but I was hoping that with this influx of the income that engagement might be a stronger possibility. Throughout our time together we have been to many jewelry stores and have been through the process of picking rings. I have started off wanting the BIG ring (you know the one that could pay for a car), only to downsize every time we would go to a new store, firstly because a ring that expensive worries me since I am accident prone and secondly because he didn't have the money for the BIG rings. So now here we are 7 years into this and I have picked a ring that is like at the most 69 dollars, but I love the designer, and its a blue opal instead of a diamond.

My question is, have I sacrificed my "ring" for the sake of finally getting engaged or now a days is it not about the cost but the feeling a love you have for the ring. I know that sounds superficial but its a concern that I am so impatient for the next step in our lives, and I think he would take it if he could afford the ring (actually I know this because he has said as much).

On a second question what ring do you all have, stone and such..

Thanks guys for listening to my insanity and for letting me get this off my chest!

Only you can know if you are "settling." I don't think there is anything wrong with revising your priorities for a ring as long as you and BF are on the same page regarding the timeline for engagement and marriage.

If you're trying to nudge him along to proposing by settling for a less expensive ring, that is an issue, IMO.

And, as Shoes mentioned, if you can't afford the ring you want, you also need to consider what kind of wedding you can have. It's fine if you're both on the same page about it being more important to be married than to have the kind of ring or wedding you always dreamed of, and you're being really honest with yourself that you won't look back with regrets.

Coming from the perspective of being married for 3 years, I can say that I could have had a less expensive wedding and I would not regret it. I could have a moissanite instead of a diamond and be perfectly happy. What matters most is being married to my husband. Our time as a married couple is really precious to me. Life is short!

That said, I do know some people who would NOT be happy with a simpler wedding or anything less than a 1 ct diamond e-ring.

Again, it's really about just being very honest with yourself about your priorities, both as a person and as a couple.

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with holding out longer for a ring you truly love and the kind of wedding that will be most meaningful for YOU.

phira · July 2013

@desertsun It's actually a little strange to me ... I made it clear to my partner that I did not want an engagement ring at all. So you'd think that when we eventually agreed to each wear an engagement ring that I would care SO MUCH about what my ring looked like. I sometimes feel guilty because there were some okay rings we found that were less expensive, and we spent a significant amount of money on my ring.

That said, my ring would have been cheaper if we'd had a lab-created sapphire, and we honestly would have preferred that. But the jeweler we picked only uses natural stones.

I'm just rambling, I guess--sorry!

desertsun · July 2013

@phira, but how do you feel about your ring now? Hindsight's always 20/20, right? It's fine to look back and think, "Oh maybe I could have done xyz instead." The trick is to not let that truly impact your happiness today! Yes?

phira · July 2013

@desertsun I love my ring (although I can't see it again till we're officially engaged--waiting is killing me!). I just feel like because I originally didn't want a ring, I shouldn't have been so picky about what the ring looked like, since my pickiness is what resulted in it being so expensive.

desertsun · July 2013

@phira, I think it makes total sense! It doesn't matter if you originally thought you wanted no ring, a 2 ct diamond, or a piece of string. If you're going to wear something non-stop, you want it to be something you really love!

And that, @ANPierce25, is why you should try to be sure you're not settling. B/c you're going to look at that ring a lot, and you don't want to be thinking, "I wish I'd held out for XYZ instead."

I personally do not think there is anything wrong with wanting a ring you love, whatever that may be, as long as you plan for it in a financially responsible way. Sometimes it's worthwhile to compromise a bit in order to move the timeline up, but you do need to still really like your ring.

There IS some truth in the idea that you will come to treasure it simply b/c of what it symbolizes. But it helps if you don't dislike it to begin with...

[Deleted User] · July 2013

My FI and I were talking about marriage for awhile, actually pretty early on in our relationship. I wasn't working for a few months and my fiance was supporting us and we take care of his dad so money wasn't super tight but spending thousands on a ring wasn't something I was comfortable with since we weren't sure when I was going to go back to work. We went to Kohls one night to pick up a few things and we decided just to peak around and see what they had for rings so he could get an idea on my style. We saw in the counter a clearance section and i tried on this ring, originally 2500 on sale for 299 once i put it on, perfect fit! I walked off to look at kitchen gadgets and he went to the bathroom" and told them to hold it until the next day.... i love love love my ring especially when i took it to the jeweler up the road and he said its worth 1000 to 1500, one day we will upgrade it to something more elaborate when the time is right. If your bf thinks he needs to spend a lot explain he can always upgrade for an anniversary or get another stone with small diamonds around it. HTH!

ANPierce25 said:

Hello Everyone,

I have a question that has been rolling around in my head and I guess half of me is hoping to get people's thoughts on the matter and the other half is just trying to say it "out loud" in the hopes that it will not be one of those thoughts/secrets that slowly eats away at you for no real reason.

Ok so my boyfriend and I have been together for over 7 years now, moved to three different states together, been through MASSIVE relationship issues and are still standing and in love. Through out all of this he knew the end game for me was the engagement, marriage, and children (down the road), which he wants as well. However we have had hard financial times and harder relationship times. Now he is working part time and just found out he was hired for a second part time job. He has some financial responsibilities but I was hoping that with this influx of the income that engagement might be a stronger possibility. Throughout our time together we have been to many jewelry stores and have been through the process of picking rings. I have started off wanting the BIG ring (you know the one that could pay for a car), only to downsize every time we would go to a new store, firstly because a ring that expensive worries me since I am accident prone and secondly because he didn't have the money for the BIG rings. So now here we are 7 years into this and I have picked a ring that is like at the most 69 dollars, but I love the designer, and its a blue opal instead of a diamond.

My question is, have I sacrificed my "ring" for the sake of finally getting engaged or now a days is it not about the cost but the feeling a love you have for the ring. I know that sounds superficial but its a concern that I am so impatient for the next step in our lives, and I think he would take it if he could afford the ring (actually I know this because he has said as much).

On a second question what ring do you all have, stone and such..

Thanks guys for listening to my insanity and for letting me get this off my chest!

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