Announcements to people not invited to the wedding

cjmara · July 2010

My mother wants me to send engagement or wedding announcements to distant relatives and family friends who I'm not inviting to the wedding. Her reasoning is "in case they wanted to give a gift." I'm not strapped for cash or presents. I feel that sending a notice that's basically saying "we're getting married but you're not invited" is extremely rude, but her argument is that I'm not notifying anyone we're engaged. Am I wrong in thinking this is rude? How do I reach an agreement with her? Thanks!

ootmother2 · July 2010

Engagement announcements, other than your local newspaper, are poor etiquette.

Wedding announcement are sent to friends, business friends and family, not close enough to be invited to the wedding. They are send any time after the actual wedding takes place.

Simply Fated · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_announcements-people-not-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82100d9f-b5c5-427f-9050-ddfbca84802dPost:082319ad-b3d0-461b-83fb-8d3a70f1dc9c">Announcements to people not invited to the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]My mother wants me to send engagement or wedding announcements to distant relatives and family friends who I'm not inviting to the wedding. Her reasoning is "in case they wanted to give a gift." I'm not strapped for cash or presents. I feel that sending a notice that's basically saying "we're getting married but you're not invited" is extremely rude, but her argument is that I'm not notifying anyone we're engaged. Am I wrong in thinking this is rude? How do I reach an agreement with her? Thanks!
Posted by cjmara[/QUOTE]
You are not wrong.

To me, an engagement announcement is the same thing as a wedding announcement. Either way, you are telling them, "I'm getting married and you aren't invited!"

Are you paying for these announcements? If so, put your foot down. If not, try explaining to her that people who are not being invited to the wedding should not receive announcements, especially if the reason is, "so they can get you a gift."
If your mom wants them to know so badly, she can send them an e-mail or mention it in the next Christmas card.

quotequeen · July 2010

You can tell people that you're engaged/married without sending formal announcements. Mailed engagement announcements are never appropriate. Wedding announcements (sent after the wedding) are considered proper, but I'm not a fan of them at all.

_Dagney_ · July 2010

Wedding announcements after the wedding has taken place are acceptable.

But honestly, why would anyone not close enough to you to receive an invitation to your wedding care enough that you are married that they need to receive a mailed notice of it?

I'm totally with you on this one. And wedding announcements do not require a gift. Sure, some people might feel generous...but what if they felt obligated, do you want a gift from someone who felt they HAD to send you one?

You mom is nuts. (I say that lightly, I'm sure she is a lovely woman who is just excited for her daughter.)

PiscesFish · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_announcements-people-not-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82100d9f-b5c5-427f-9050-ddfbca84802dPost:07cd9ff8-0ea7-43a8-b437-54c89360e594">Re: Announcements to people not invited to the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE] why would anyone not close enough to you to receive an invitation to your wedding care enough that you are married that they need to receive a mailed notice of it? Posted by _Dagney_[/QUOTE]

I agree that wedding announcements after the fact are fine, and that they don't obligate/solicit gifts.

But, I understand from some of the older generations that a wedding used to be seen as a social right of passage - bride and groom "came out" to society as a married couple, etc. So I don't know how traditional your mom is, but that might be part of her motivation.

The "in case they want to send a gift" thing is weird though.

Lisa8888 · July 2010

Your mother is a trip. Don't listen to her.

cjmara · October 2010

Thanks everyone. I decided that I will have announcements made with a wedding photo and make my mother foot the bill! I hardly know these people at all. I think this will satisfy my very difficult mother!

polichik · October 2010

My mom really, really wanted to send wedding announcements to some of her friends who we haven't seen in a while. She's one of those amazing people who actually keeps in touch with people she hasn't seen for a decade, and I could tell it meant a lot to her to let them know we were married. The other dimension is that most of the people are friends of hers who knew me when I was really little, before we moved away from the Bay Area. Now that we're back in San Francisco, she also wanted to give them a head's up that we're back in the area.

I felt a little funny about it, but it was honestly the one thing she requested during the whole planning process. We've received a few cards and gifts, but she worded it well so that it was clear that it wasn't a gift grab.

ellearedee · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_announcements-people-not-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82100d9f-b5c5-427f-9050-ddfbca84802dPost:526d4507-bfd5-4ae5-8fd2-54a4d17a60d5">Re: Announcements to people not invited to the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Wedding announcements are meant to share the celebration marriage with others. It is not a "you are not invited" announcement. These are a common thing many ue(including myself) send out when a large guest list is outl of the question. If you were to recieve an announcement from your distance second cousin, I would imagine your first thought would be excitement and happiness for the couple, not bitterness that you weren't invited. Just like graduation announcements, its a chance to share an exciting time in your life with family and friends, and simply that.
Posted by dougale[/QUOTE]

Thank you for understanding! I was beginning to think that I was being selfish and rude to have a small guest list, but wanting to extend my happiness to my out-of-town relatives who aren't invited (largely so that they won't feel obligated to foot the bill to travel). I plan on using engagement photos. It's not about asking for a gift or saying that they're not invited, but instead letting them know that you still think of them and you're thinking of them on your special day, even if it isn't practical for them to come to the event itself.

cawashin · July 2013

Polichik I know this was a long time ago but to you recall the wording your mother used? My MIL is pretty adamant about sending announcements to a group of people that aren't invited. I personally think it will cause confusion but this is really the only thing she has asked of me. Your mother actually sounds like my mother in law. She has so many friends she keeps in touch with and doesn't want their feelings to be hurt by finding out from someone that WAS invited. Any help is appreciated.

FizzySips · July 2013

She's likely not around still, since this thread is three years old. Check out Invites and Paper for some announcement wording tips.

GB520 · July 2013

Sometimes I think moms are just excited and want to share their happiness with their friends. my mom sounds like yours. I plan on paying for our reception without my parents help however I would try to accommodate their wishes but let them know at the same time her friends may need to be 'B listed'. Because of your budget. I wouldn't do the sending in the mail announcements but have mom put it in the paper and she can share the link haha.

GB520 · July 2013

FizzySips said:

She's likely not around still, since this thread is three years old. Check out Invites and Paper for some announcement wording tips.

Ahh hate when this happen happens lol.I didn't even notice the date when I was reading it.

wrigleyville · July 2013

Announcements are common in my family, and a lot of people keep them since they always have a picture (like Christmas cards). My family is HUGE, though, so the announcements are the way for the relatives who weren't invited to feel sort of included, get a nice photo of the couple, and save the couple's address for Christmas cards. It's also common to send a wedding card, with or without money (but usually less than you'd give if you went to the actual wedding). It's never seen as gift-grabby or AW-ish. I just got one a couple months ago for a cousin I haven't seen in a long time, and I thought it was great to see how much he'd grown. I sent them a card with $20.

On FI's side, however, people would be pretty upset if we sent them because they aren't common and they'd think we were fishing for gifts (his mother's exact words).

Bottom line: you really need to know your crowd. We're sending them to my family but not his.

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