Secretly side eyeing?

sonthirathb · July 2013

I had never heard of a "fake" wedding until I started reading the boards here. I personally don't know anyone that flat out lied to people that they were already married. Marrying someone for benefits does not really happen here. If you are living together for a certain amount of time you are considered common-law and have the same benefits as a married couple. I thought this was the same in USA but I guess not. All this talk of culture did get me thinking about my own.

I am having 2 ceremonies. The first ceremony will be a traditional asian ceremony that will take place 1 week before the actual legal/Canadian ceremony. Everyone knows it is not legal but I know it would make my parents and other elders in the community happy. It would be almost disrespectful if I did not have one. On the day of the actual marriage with an officiant will be the same day as the reception for both ceremonies. This is normal for us in the asian community and some people even skip the the Canadian one all together and just make it legal at a later date at city hall.

So is this perceived as odd to anyone not from the asian community? Of course no one would say it to my face but just wondering if this is viewed as a faux paux as well? Are all these people secretly side eyeing us?

cruffino · July 2013

I'm no expert on this but since you're only having one reception and the ceremonies are so close in time, with no one being lied to, I don't see any etiquette problems. I think it's the lying that offends people most, and you're not doing that.

sonthirathb · July 2013

Thanks for your honest opinions! All of these posts I have been coming across has made me think about my own situation and what I thought was normal.

I would prefer to have both ceremonies and reception on the same day. More people would be able to attend and not to mention the money savings. Also, I feel bad for my family whom feels obligated to attend both. I am taking 2 Saturdays out of their summer. Mother was not having it though and says it would have been too stressful all on same day.

BMoreBride6 · July 2013

At which ceremony will your family view you as married? The Asian one I assume? Why aren't you have the reception after that one as it seems more significant from your post? Then you can have legal ceremony at the courthouse without the reception...PS I'm not snarling on it I'm honestly curious

OliveOilsMom · July 2013

I would prefer that you had both ceremonies on the same day, like Stage said. But you aren't lying to anyone about anything. So I think you good.

And just so you know, common law marriage in only legal in the states that allow it here in the US. New Jersey, where I live, does not have common law marriage.

crunchymamaof2 · July 2013

It's the reasoning behind PPD that lead to the side eyeing, IMO. You're doing this for true cultural reasons it seems and not just so you can dress up and look pretty and be AWish. I would side eye a tiny bit if YOU didn't want the Asian ceremony and were just having it solely to please your family but that doesn't appear to be the case. And you're not lying to your guests so no big deal. Enjoy your wedding!

efmcc67 · July 2013

sonthirathb said:

I had never heard of a "fake" wedding until I started reading the boards here. I personally don't know anyone that flat out lied to people that they were already married. Marrying someone for benefits does not really happen here. If you are living together for a certain amount of time you are considered common-law and have the same benefits as a married couple. I thought this was the same in USA but I guess not. All this talk of culture did get me thinking about my own.

I am having 2 ceremonies. The first ceremony will be a traditional asian ceremony that will take place 1 week before the actual legal/Canadian ceremony. Everyone knows it is not legal but I know it would make my parents and other elders in the community happy. It would be almost disrespectful if I did not have one. On the day of the actual marriage with an officiant will be the same day as the reception for both ceremonies. This is normal for us in the asian community and some people even skip the the Canadian one all together and just make it legal at a later date at city hall.

So is this perceived as odd to anyone not from the asian community? Of course no one would say it to my face but just wondering if this is viewed as a faux paux as well? Are all these people secretly side eyeing us?

I think everyone else gave you good advice; I just want to respond to the bolded. As I understand it, common law status varies from state-to-state. I can't speak for any other states, but where I live, common law marriage doesn't exist. You could live with the other person for 50 years, but if you weren't legally married, you'd have no benefits.

KeptInStitches · July 2013

Other than reiterating PP's suggestion about having coffee/lemonade and cookies for the people attending the first ceremony, I'd say you're fine. You're not lying to anyone, and you're having the ceremonies within a reasonable time period.

allispain · July 2013

As PPs have said, I would not side eye in the least if the asian ceremony, legal ceremony, and reception were all on the same day (I have a friend who will be doing this in November - it'll be a long day, but so many of us - including her parents, siblings, etc. - are from OOT that it wouldn't have worked any other way). I know your mother isn't for this idea and that's why you're having it a week earlier. Are you inviting everyone to both ceremonies? Or are you just inviting close family to the asian one? I think I would be a bit put-out by being asked to attend events on two different weekends if I were, say, a co-worker or friend that's not a close-enough-to-be-asked-to-be-in-bridal-party type friend. However, I wouldn't side-eye it since I would know it was for a cultural reason and not just you wanting to play dress-up for an extra day.

NYCBruin · July 2013

allispain said:

As PPs have said, I would not side eye in the least if the asian ceremony, legal ceremony, and reception were all on the same day (I have a friend who will be doing this in November - it'll be a long day, but so many of us - including her parents, siblings, etc. - are from OOT that it wouldn't have worked any other way). I know your mother isn't for this idea and that's why you're having it a week earlier. Are you inviting everyone to both ceremonies? Or are you just inviting close family to the asian one? I think I would be a bit put-out by being asked to attend events on two different weekends if I were, say, a co-worker or friend that's not a close-enough-to-be-asked-to-be-in-bridal-party type friend. However, I wouldn't side-eye it since I would know it was for a cultural reason and not just you wanting to play dress-up for an extra day.

I agree with all of this.

sonthirathb · July 2013

Liatris2010 said:

I think you should host something small after the cultural ceremony. Coffee/tea and cookies, just to thank everyone for coming out and spending their time. Doesn't have to be fancy, but if you invite people to do stuff, you should provide some sort of refreshment.

Oh there will be tons of food and alcohol on the day of the cultural ceremony. It will be held in my parents home and is quite a big expense on its on. That is why it makes sense to have it all on 1 day and most people do. However, since it is really for my parents and they are paying. I will just go with it.

sonthirathb · July 2013

BMoreBride6 said:

At which ceremony will your family view you as married? The Asian one I assume? Why aren't you have the reception after that one as it seems more significant from your post? Then you can have legal ceremony at the courthouse without the reception...PS I'm not snarling on it I'm honestly curious

I honestly think at this point they will view me as married at the 2nd ceremony and it is known that the cultural one is just for the elders and honour my heritage. I was born and raised in Canada so I am not sure if the next generation would even have that ceremony. Growing up I always imagined walking down the aisle in a white dress. To me that is what I dreamed of as a little girl.

sonthirathb · July 2013

GlassButton said:

I had never heard of a "fake" wedding until I started reading the boards here. I personally don't know anyone that flat out lied to people that they were already married. Marrying someone for benefits does not really happen here. If you are living together for a certain amount of time you are considered common-law and have the same benefits as a married couple. I thought this was the same in USA but I guess not. All this talk of culture did get me thinking about my own.

I am having 2 ceremonies. The first ceremony will be a traditional asian ceremony that will take place 1 week before the actual legal/Canadian ceremony. Everyone knows it is not legal but I know it would make my parents and other elders in the community happy. It would be almost disrespectful if I did not have one. On the day of the actual marriage with an officiant will be the same day as the reception for both ceremonies. This is normal for us in the asian community and some people even skip the the Canadian one all together and just make it legal at a later date at city hall.

So is this perceived as odd to anyone not from the asian community? Of course no one would say it to my face but just wondering if this is viewed as a faux paux as well? Are all these people secretly side eyeing us?
I don't know if it's because my FI is Vietnamese or not but his family seems to always have the reception that day. They typically do lunch/dinner receptions. I hope you dont mind but where are you from?

I was born and raised in Canada and my parents are from Laos. Very similar culturally to Vietnam. We tyically do both ceremonies on the same day as the reception. My parents wanted 2 separate days for various reasons. I would have not agreed if it was going to be more then 1 week apart.

sonthirathb · July 2013

allispain said:

As PPs have said, I would not side eye in the least if the asian ceremony, legal ceremony, and reception were all on the same day (I have a friend who will be doing this in November - it'll be a long day, but so many of us - including her parents, siblings, etc. - are from OOT that it wouldn't have worked any other way). I know your mother isn't for this idea and that's why you're having it a week earlier. Are you inviting everyone to both ceremonies? Or are you just inviting close family to the asian one? I think I would be a bit put-out by being asked to attend events on two different weekends if I were, say, a co-worker or friend that's not a close-enough-to-be-asked-to-be-in-bridal-party type friend. However, I wouldn't side-eye it since I would know it was for a cultural reason and not just you wanting to play dress-up for an extra day.

The reception will be for 320 people total and everyone is welcome at both ceremonies. The reality is that only FI's immediate family would attend the Laotian ceremony. The rest of the people would be my family and the Laotian community. At the Canadian ceremony it would be the same. The Laotian people that are not close family would just skip it and attend the big party.

Secretly side eyeing?

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