Gift registries vs. charitable registries

Re: Gift registries vs. charitable registries

• manateehugger member

  

  July 2013 edited July 2013

  1. Charity registries are basically asking for cash - which is always considered tacky and rude, no matter how you ask for it. Suggesting charity donations in your name is still suggesting a gift of cash. It's just tacky no matter the cause. 

  
  

  2. Donating to charities is a very important and very private decision. I don't donate to any non-profit or charity without doing extensive research on how they use their donations.  
  
  3. Registries for physical gifts are a suggestion, not a demand for gifts. I want to get you a coffee pot, your registry can tell me what kind you'd like. If I don't want to get you a physical gift, I don't look at your registry. They are a suggestion, a wish-list. 
  
  4. People know that cash is always an acceptable gift. You don't need to spell it out for them; no registry or a very small registry is the universal polite hint for "cash gifts, please". 

  
  

  5. Your best option is to just not register and make a private donation of the money you receive after your wedding. Once you receive a gift, it is yours to use how you wish. Please don't do charity registries; there is no good reason to do one. 

  
  

  ETA: This is my personal opinion. I think charity registries have a deep sense of false altruism. It's as if trying to display how good and nice you are. In my opinion, the people I know who do the most good in this world are very quiet and humble about how they lend a hand. Charity registries, to me, scream "Look how good we are!" Again, just my personal opinion. 

  

  Report5 Reply
• NYCBruin member

  

  July 2013

  PDKH said:

  1. Charity registries are basically asking for cash - which is always considered tacky and rude, no matter how you ask for it. Suggesting charity donations in your name is still suggesting a gift of cash. It's just tacky no matter the cause. 

  
  

  2. Donating to charities is a very important and very private decision. I don't donate to any non-profit or charity without doing extensive research on how they use their donations.  
  
  3. Registries for physical gifts are a suggestion, not a demand for gifts. I want to get you a coffee pot, your registry can tell me what kind you'd like. If I don't want to get you a physical gift, I don't look at your registry. They are a suggestion, a wish-list. 
  
  4. People know that cash is always an acceptable gift. You don't need to spell it out for them; no registry or a very small registry is the universal polite hint for "cash gifts, please". 

  
  

  5. Your best option is to just not register and make a private donation of the money you receive after your wedding. Once you receive a gift, it is yours to use how you wish. Please don't do charity registries; there is no good reason to do one. 

  
  

  ETA: This is my personal opinion. I think charity registries have a deep sense of false altruism. It's as if trying to display how good and nice you are. In my opinion, the people I know who do the most good in this world are very quiet and humble about how they lend a hand. Charity registries, to me, scream "Look how good we are!" Again, just my personal opinion. 

  All of this.  Especially the last part.  A private donation to a charity does just as much good as a public one.  In fact, a private donation does more good than a charity registry because the organization gets the full amount of the donation without a middleman taking a cut.  There are a lot of interesting articles on the concept of "borrowed virtue" when using other people's money to make charitable donations.  The concept typically discusses corporate executives donating company money, but the idea is similar.

  
  

  In addition, these types of things create the potential for inadvertent tax fraud.  Are you planning on taking the tax deduction for these donations or will the actual donors be taking the deduction?  If you both do, someone is in trouble.

  Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!

  Report0 Reply
• Xstatic3333 member

  

  July 2013

  My biggest objection is PDHK's #2. It could put your guests in an awkward spot if they don't like your charity of choice. For example, breast cancer research is a cause dear to my heart; I lost an aunt to the disease. However, I would not want to donate to some of the larger charities on this issue because I don't like their business practices.
  
  If I saw you weren't registered, I'd give you a check and you could donate the money as you please with no awkwardness. It's just much smoother that way.

  Report0 Reply
• mlg78 member

  

  July 2013

  You have every right to donate all of your gifted cash and donate it as you see fit after your wedding...but you shouldn't dictate how we give it to you. 

  Report0 Reply
• chibiyui member

  

  July 2013

  NWR: But does everyone feel the same about asking for donations to a charity in lieu of flowers for someone recently deceased? Or does that pass etiquette because it's done in memory of someone? 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

  Report1 Reply
• courtneythesquid member

  

  August 2013 edited August 2013

  We had a charity registry in addition to a traditional registry.  We did this knowing that it is not strictly by the book, and that a lot of people find them really offensive.  But I have to tell you- we received an overwhelmingly positive response to the charity registry.  Maybe people were rolling their eyes behind our backs, but so many people immediately called or emailed to say that they were excited about the charity option.  I would say about half of the guests chose to make a donation vs. a physical gift. 

  When I listed it on our website next to the traditional registry, I tried to be very careful with the language- that we would be honored if people might consider it.  I tried to make it seem like one option, only if people were interested, and as unlike a demand as I could.

  When we were making our decision, I did stumble across a Q&A column with Anna Post (Emily Post's great-great-granddaughter), and she actually suggested a charity fund as a great option for couples who don't need too many physical gifts.  That helped us to make our decision.  So although it is not 100% proper, if I could do it all over again, I would still have a charity registry.

  Report1 Reply
• STARMOON44 member

  

  August 2013

  The point of a traditional registry is not to ask for gifts. It is to provide information to people who wish to buy you something, say china, and want to make sure that the style suits you and they aren't duplicating someone else's gift. A charitable donation raises none of these concerns, and thus isn't necessary. Register for a small number of items, or not at all, and if anyone gives you cash you don't want, donate it. It's more modest, and more appropriate.

  Report0 Reply