Extended family upset they are not invited

AllyIdo · August 2013

FI got a Facebook message from his uncle expressing his feelings about being excluded from the guest list for our small destination wedding (along with his siblings and their kids).

He pretty much said he was upset and it was weighing on his mind. Now I feel terrible.

Due to budget constraints we are having immediate family only, and mostly friends at the wedding. It was his DAD's idea to cut his family (there are a lot of them) when we were struggling with the numbers. He offered to have a party (not a reception!) at his parent's house at some point to celebrate our marriage with the whole clan.

His family lives all over the country and we see them maybe 1 or 2 times a year. His uncle was recently in town and we saw him for dinner. Didn't talk about the wedding aside from "Congrats on your engagement."

I know it's his family and I should let him deal with it. I just feel guilty. We will all be together at a wedding in September and I don't want it to be awkward.

bethsmiles · August 2013

I'm sorry his family is taking it hard. But they are adults. They should understand that they don't get to be included in everything. You don't have anything to feel guilty about.

phira · August 2013

Offbeat Bride has a GREAT post about this (go there and search for "how to tell people they're not invited").

Here are some of their suggested scripts:

"Since we are paying for the wedding ourselves, our budget is very limited. It's SO hard not to go into debt over this, because of course we want to invite everyone… but we're really trying to kick off our marriage by being financially responsible about the wedding."

"We would love for you to be there with us, but because of our tight budget, we weren't able to invite as many people as we would have liked. But if possible, I would love to find time for a one-on-one visit after the big day!"

AllyIdo · August 2013

Yep. FI is going to write something like that to him. His mom is furious. LOL. Just wanted to vent, thanks ladies!

misssunshine17 · August 2013

Yes, it's unfortunate that everyone who wants to come can't be invited, but it's life. Don't let them bother you.

FizzySips · August 2013

I caution you to be careful about attributing the entire reason to budget. You WILL have people who offer to pay. Be clear, be decisive "we are sorry that we couldn't invite everyone but the guest list is finalized" but don't give people a reason that they can dispute.

Jen4948 · August 2013

I agree that they shouldn't be told that the reason for the change is your budget. But as for not being invited, they weren't entitled to invitations in the first place. They can get over themselves.

Bubbles2014 · August 2013

People are going to be hurt, but family don't automatically get invited anymore. Just write back saying that you're sorry that he is upset, but you have decided to have an intimate wedding with immediate family and a few close friends only and you look forward to seeing him and the rest of the clan at the next family event.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

If your FI's dad is planning to host a family get together with his side of the family when you get back, I'd just say something like, "I'm very sorry you're hurt. Unfortunately, we weren't able to include everyone as we're having an extremely small destination wedding. However FI's dad will be hosting a family get together when we get back and we'd love to see you there."

Majide · August 2013

Oh, I'm with you. My mom has been frustrated with me since day one when I told her we are having immediate family and close friends only. Fortunately, I haven't heard anything from the extended family yet, but we'll see.

A cousin of mine is getting married two months after me, and I'm sure they will have a huge wedding. So hopefully that will satisfy or distract any of my relatives who might be irritated about not being invited to mine. Who knows though.

My fiance's sister had a destination wedding in Cancun. Apparently one of her cousins was in tears at one point, saying she wishes she had been invited, and so sad she missed it. Many of my fiance's relatives don't have much money, and there was no way she could have gone anyway, if she had been.

Some people will always find ways to be irritated.

Simply Fated · August 2013

His great- uncle is way out of line. There is something else behind this that has nothing to do with you or your fiance. Let his dad handle this.

I also strongly urge you not to give your uncle any excuses or reasons. This can lead to counterarguments, like, "If it's a budget thing, then we can pay for ourselves" or something.

AllyIdo · August 2013

FI went ahead and responded with no input from me. Something along the lines of...

"I'm sorry that we upset you, it was never our intention. We have a very small guest list, just parents, siblings and some college friends. Dad is having a party at the house next summer so we can celebrate with everyone. I can go into more details, but not on Facebook. Again, I'm sorry you are hurt."

Maybe not the best response, I might not have gone into the details of the guest list, but it's done now.

Uncle responded: "It's alright. I just wanted to say it. We're cool."

Uh, ok Uncle. If this bothered him so much, why not call? A Facebook message?

Rereading his uncle's original message this morning, to me it seems like he is mostly upset because he won't get to go to Vegas, not miss our wedding. I don't want to post the entire chain here, but that's the vibe I'm getting.

Whatever. It's Friday.

FizzySips · August 2013

@allyscud - you'll never make everyone happy, and you didn't break any etiquette rules. Like water off a ducks back. Don't let him get to you.

Bubbles2014 · August 2013

That reply was fine. Leave it be now.

shewillbe · August 2013

This just helped me tremendously. My fiancé and I both have close-knit families. This is both our 2nd marriage. His first was at the JOP, mine was a big event that I did NOT want, but my hard-working, single mom persisted. We are already navigating how to compromise our ideal weddings (me: casual beach affair, he: small formal ceremony) we both want something intimate and elegant. We have simply decided not to spend money on an extravagant affair for both our large families...now. There are talks of a party-for-all later, but we're worried about our extended families feeling shunned (OK, not too too much, but we do). To mitigate the hurt feelings we plan to send a formal announcement with a video montage of our adventures before marriage and the ceremony so they'll feel like they were there. THANKS FOR EASING MY (OUR) CONCERNS.

gailpete · August 2013

This where I have a problem. If it was important to you (generic you) to include everyone at your wedding, you would have chosen a local venue and a cake & punch reception, if that was what was required to include everyone. By having a DW or a fancy dinner, it is saying that going to Vegas or having a fancy dinner with filet mignon is more important to me than having you at the wedding.

Everyone understands that budget is an issue. However, how the budget is spent indicates the priorities of the B&G.

ktbabe530 · August 2013

You are not alone @allyido! There is something about Vegas that makes people want to get involved. We have had similar issues come up. We are also doing a small ceremony with close family and friends.

@missax I completely agree!

AllyIdo · August 2013

"By having a DW or a fancy dinner, it is saying that going to Vegas or having a fancy dinner with filet mignon is more important to me than having you at the wedding."

Actually no, we'd be having a small wedding regardless of where it is being held. The point is it's our choice to make it as intimate of an affair as we want it to be. If we want to have a "DW" with a "fancy dinner with filet mignon" for the people who are closest to us, then we will. We don't want a "cake and punch" reception so we can include the masses.
And seriously who the fuck drinks punch?

SingleMom31 · August 2013

I mean this seriously, has anyone ever had or been to a punch and cake reception? At least in my circle, you'd be talked about for that a LOT more than opting for a smaller event, and not in a good way. I really don't see that as an alternative.

shewillbe · August 2013

@Singlemom31 -- not just YOUR circle. HA!

Considering how many weddings I attend per year (~10), I only attend 1-2 of the receptions. The wedding industry is a money-horse. Unless you have the means AND the desire for a large wedding, don't worry about it. If your hearts says intimate, IT'S YOUR DAY, do you. Your family/friends will be strong.

Trust.

SingleMom31 · August 2013

@shewillbe Thanks. We're opting for intimate, both because of budget (that's not to say, how much we could afford - just how much we want to spend) and desire. It was suggested to me in another context that if I'm unwilling/unable to host more given the current price per person or at the current venue, that I should have planned "better" (cheaper) or had a punch and cake reception. It seemed like the most absurd suggestion I'd ever heard...

Simply Fated · August 2013

Cake and punch receptions are apparently common in some areas. That's just what I got from TK.
I'm not sure if they literally serve JUST cake and punch or what. I'm curious about that.

happyfor25 · August 2013

gailpete said:

This where I have a problem. If it was important to you (generic you) to include everyone at your wedding, you would have chosen a local venue and a cake & punch reception, if that was what was required to include everyone. By having a DW or a fancy dinner, it is saying that going to Vegas or having a fancy dinner with filet mignon is more important to me than having you at the wedding.

Everyone understands that budget is an issue. However, how the budget is spent indicates the priorities of the B&G.

I kind of feel the same way.

To me, it almost feels like a couple wants an exotic wedding and the guests pick up the tab. In the case of DWs at all-inclusive resorts, I really don't understand how this is not considered rude from an etiquette standpoint; the guests are essentially paying for their own food and drinks at the reception since they paid for the meal plan.

And even though an invitation is not a summons, if I were invited to a DW by a family member or close friend, I would feel obligated to use my vacation time and spend money on a vacation no of my choosing.

Bubbles2014 · August 2013

AllyIdo said:

"By having a DW or a fancy dinner, it is saying that going to Vegas or having a fancy dinner with filet mignon is more important to me than having you at the wedding." Actually no, we'd be having a small wedding regardless of where it is being held. The point is it's our choice to make it as intimate of an affair as we want it to be. If we want to have a "DW" with a "fancy dinner with filet mignon" for the people who are closest to us, then we will. We don't want a "cake and punch" reception so we can include the masses. And seriously who the fuck drinks punch?

Not everyone want to invite every Tom, Dick, and Harry to their wedding. We have also chosen the smaller wedding with a nice venue and food, and a limited hosted bar. If we wanted everyone we knew there then we would've made different plans, but we purposely planned it this way so we can have a small wedding with close family and friends only.

Jen4948 · August 2013

SingleMom31 said:

I mean this seriously, has anyone ever had or been to a punch and cake reception? At least in my circle, you'd be talked about for that a LOT more than opting for a smaller event, and not in a good way. I really don't see that as an alternative.

Yes, I've been to a punch and cake reception. It took place at 2pm.

Jen4948 · August 2013

gailpete said:

This where I have a problem. If it was important to you (generic you) to include everyone at your wedding, you would have chosen a local venue and a cake & punch reception, if that was what was required to include everyone. By having a DW or a fancy dinner, it is saying that going to Vegas or having a fancy dinner with filet mignon is more important to me than having you at the wedding.

Everyone understands that budget is an issue. However, how the budget is spent indicates the priorities of the B&G.

No one is entitled to expect an invitation from the couple just because they are relatives or friends of theirs. The bride and groom are not required to invite you and/or reduce their costs to fit you and your SO in. That you are not their highest priority is not a negative reflection on them if they do not choose to invite you.

AllyIdo · August 2013

happyfor25 said:

gailpete said:

This where I have a problem. If it was important to you (generic you) to include everyone at your wedding, you would have chosen a local venue and a cake & punch reception, if that was what was required to include everyone. By having a DW or a fancy dinner, it is saying that going to Vegas or having a fancy dinner with filet mignon is more important to me than having you at the wedding.

Everyone understands that budget is an issue. However, how the budget is spent indicates the priorities of the B&G.

I kind of feel the same way.

To me, it almost feels like a couple wants an exotic wedding and the guests pick up the tab. In the case of DWs at all-inclusive resorts, I really don't understand how this is not considered rude from an etiquette standpoint; the guests are essentially paying for their own food and drinks at the reception since they paid for the meal plan.

And even though an invitation is not a summons, if I were invited to a DW by a family member or close friend, I would feel obligated to use my vacation time and spend money on a vacation no of my choosing.

happyfor25 said:

gailpete said:

This where I have a problem. If it was important to you (generic you) to include everyone at your wedding, you would have chosen a local venue and a cake & punch reception, if that was what was required to include everyone. By having a DW or a fancy dinner, it is saying that going to Vegas or having a fancy dinner with filet mignon is more important to me than having you at the wedding.

Everyone understands that budget is an issue. However, how the budget is spent indicates the priorities of the B&G.

I kind of feel the same way.

To me, it almost feels like a couple wants an exotic wedding and the guests pick up the tab. In the case of DWs at all-inclusive resorts, I really don't understand how this is not considered rude from an etiquette standpoint; the guests are essentially paying for their own food and drinks at the reception since they paid for the meal plan.

And even though an invitation is not a summons, if I were invited to a DW by a family member or close friend, I would feel obligated to use my vacation time and spend money on a vacation no of my choosing.

I went to a destination wedding in Jamaica a couple years ago at an all-inclusive resort. The wedding was not just us eating the food that was included with our meal plan. It was a private area on a beautiful terrace, tables set up, flowers, DJ, top shelf open bar that was brought in by the couple, wedding cake, steel drum band, ornate cocktail hour, etc.

My destination wedding in Las Vegas will require friends and family to take one day off of work at the most, but most are choosing to stay longer.

That's too bad that you would feel "obliged" to spend your vacation time and money on a vacation you didn't choose. You shouldn't do
anything you don't want to do. I wouldn't want my guests to.

Edit: wacky phone formatting, I'm also high on cold meds.

AddieCake · August 2013

SingleMom31 said:

I mean this seriously, has anyone ever had or been to a punch and cake reception? At least in my circle, you'd be talked about for that a LOT more than opting for a smaller event, and not in a good way. I really don't see that as an alternative.

Yes, I have, and it was one of my favorite weddings.

gailpete · August 2013

Big wedding, small wedding, destination wedding, elopement- any way you want to have your wedding is fine and is your decision. Just own your decision and be honest about it. Don't say it is a budget issue when it is a decision on what type of wedding you want to have.

Extended family upset they are not invited

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