Groomsmen attire - 2 days out, what would you do?

emeejeeayen · August 2013

I'm writing this for FI because he feels conflicted.

FI asked his groomsmen several times to let him know their budgets for a suit/tux, and only one of seven ever responded to his requests. The rest were entirely evasive. Finally FI just decided to pick a suit he likes, and despite my skepticism, he was convinced all of the groomsmen would eventually get it together and buy this suit. Admittedly there have been several 30-40% off sales of this suit in the last month, so it probably should have been feasible.

Well, we're two days out and four of the groomsmen bought the suit, but three of the others went rogue and just bought entirely different suits without really consulting anyone. They just sent us photos like "Here's the suit!" The suit FI picked is light grey; of the groomsmen who went rogue, one is light grey, one is blue and one is very dark grey (and also about 5 sizes too big). And they told us what they cost, so they're not less expensive than the suit FI chose while on sale.

Honestly, I'm just sort of over it - my bridesmaids are wearing entirely mismatched dresses, so whatever. I say we just let the ones in the non-suit stand behind the others (since I have four bridesmaids I think this will look more symmetrical anyway) and call it a day. We'll take some photos with all our friends and some photos with the guys who are in the suit FI chose.

Buuut FI is a little hurt/annoyed/frustrated/angry/etc, and he's unsure how to respond to the situation. I don't think it helps that ALL the guys have been friends since kindergarten, so they're a little "too close" to always be polite and kind to one another. I'm worried it will start too much drama to try to explain to the guys "You're not in the right suit, therefore I don't want you standing up with me." That just seems ishty to me. But would FI be justified in doing so?

Thanks!

krizzo17 · August 2013

Honestly, I wouldn't even have them stand separately - it will be less noticeable if they're interspersed between the guys who have the matching suits, so they look mismatched as well.

As far as the relationship, my H has the same set of friends he's had since he was about 10, and I agree it makes things tricky sometimes. I'm assuming the guys who didn't get the right suit probably are either not married, or had weddings far less formal than yours, and just don't get it - some people never will. Tell him you know he's frustrated, you're frustrated, but there's nothing you can do at this point and just move on.

itzMS · August 2013

emeejeeayen said:

I'm writing this for FI because he feels conflicted.

FI asked his groomsmen several times to let him know their budgets for a suit/tux, and only one of seven ever responded to his requests. The rest were entirely evasive. Finally FI just decided to pick a suit he likes, and despite my skepticism, he was convinced all of the groomsmen would eventually get it together and buy this suit. Admittedly there have been several 30-40% off sales of this suit in the last month, so it probably should have been feasible.

Well, we're two days out and four of the groomsmen bought the suit, but three of the others went rogue and just bought entirely different suits without really consulting anyone. They just sent us photos like "Here's the suit!" The suit FI picked is light grey; of the groomsmen who went rogue, one is light grey, one is blue and one is very dark grey (and also about 5 sizes too big). And they told us what they cost, so they're not less expensive than the suit FI chose while on sale.

Honestly, I'm just sort of over it - my bridesmaids are wearing entirely mismatched dresses, so whatever. I say we just let the ones in the non-suit stand behind the others (since I have four bridesmaids I think this will look more symmetrical anyway) and call it a day. We'll take some photos with all our friends and some photos with the guys who are in the suit FI chose.

Buuut FI is a little hurt/annoyed/frustrated/angry/etc, and he's unsure how to respond to the situation. I don't think it helps that ALL the guys have been friends since kindergarten, so they're a little "too close" to always be polite and kind to one another. I'm worried it will start too much drama to try to explain to the guys "You're not in the right suit, therefore I don't want you standing up with me." That just seems ishty to me. But would FI be justified in doing so?

Thanks!

I would have FI tell the 2 groomsmen today to go get a light gray suit. Any major department store will sell these off-the-rack.

Though if the groomsmen refuse, TECHNICALLY, FI can just have them attend as guests. But does FI want to lose 2 friendships over a suit?

Yeah, his friends might look a bit silly in unfitted mistmatched suits...but that's life.

bethsmiles · August 2013

There's not much he can do. Personally, I'd let it go at this point. You don't need to be worrying about this 2 days before the wedding. What is important is the people, not the suits. In a year you'll look back and you won't care about this at all.

I wouldn't do pictures that exclude anyone though just to have pictures of people in matching outfits. That has the potential to cause drama on your wedding day, which I'm sure you don't want. Just do everything as if they had gotten the right suit.

itzMS · August 2013

Just out of curiousity...could these guys be playing a joke on FI?

I know my DH's friends are pretty hardcore jokesters...so if that's the case for you, I wouldn't be surprised if they took pictures of the wrong suits just to razz him a bit.

emeejeeayen · August 2013

itzMS said:

Just out of curiousity...could these guys be playing a joke on FI?

I know my DH's friends are pretty hardcore jokesters...so if that's the case for you, I wouldn't be surprised if they took pictures of the wrong suits just to razz him a bit.

Haha I wish, but one of them is staying with us, and I know what's in his suitcase. It's just that suit.

None of FI's friends are married or even have girlfriends. I don't think any have attended a wedding before. I don't think they really understood their role as groomsmen, haha.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

itzMS said:

Just out of curiousity...could these guys be playing a joke on FI?

I know my DH's friends are pretty hardcore jokesters...so if that's the case for you, I wouldn't be surprised if they took pictures of the wrong suits just to razz him a bit.

I was JUST thinking this. We got married 2 weeks ago and H's friends are always like this before each other's weddings. "oh man, sorry forgot my suit." "hey I don't have an undershirt, I hope that's cool" "dude, I only brought tennis shoes" "so we're getting in at 4 - the wedding is at 6, right?" Har har, fellas. Too bad that's not the case here.

I get that FI is hurt. I would be too. It's annoying and SO preventable. People suck and are inconsiderate sometimes. I think your attitude is a good one - you're over it. Order the guys however you would have if they were all wearing the same thing. It's whatever - all eyes will be on you and FI.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

Seriously? I would flip shit, only because it's just so stupid. Like why not buy a damn suit?! Didn't you write a post a while ago thinking that this may happen? Sorry it did.

I would tell the guys to go to Macy's a buy a damn gray suit. If not, could you place them every other person so that it looks like it's supposed to be that way?

This sucks, but YAYYYY Almost Wedding!!

misssunshine17 · August 2013

cap816 said:

I wouldn't worry about it. I think it's absurd to dictate exact dress, even for your wedding party, unless you're going to pay for it.

Hi new girl who joined yesterday....Talk about unhelpful. It's definitely not absurd and she tried to get price ranges.

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

Hey sorry your going through this. I don't know what I would do but I love@misssunshines17 advice. Any thoughts on how this situation could have been avoided? This might be a problem for other futures brides.

TiaTea · August 2013

"I'm worried it will start too much drama to try to explain to the guys "You're not in the right suit, therefore I don't want you standing up with me."

Did you want the guy, or the suit to stand up there?
Those are not some color coordinated live props. Those are your and FH's best friends.

itzMS · August 2013

cap816 said:

misssunshine17 said:

cap816 said:

I wouldn't worry about it. I think it's absurd to dictate exact dress, even for your wedding party, unless you're going to pay for it.
Hi new girl who joined yesterday....Talk about unhelpful. It's definitely not absurd and she tried to get price ranges.
Actually, I was here for a year and a half under a different username and had several thousand posts. So, I know that the standard Knot party line is that you can't tell others how to post, even it is "unhelpful."

And yes, in my opinion, it is absolutely absurd. I think that even though it's the "norm" it's crazy to dictate what others wear, even your bridesmaids and groomsmen, unless you're willing to shell out the cash to pay for it yourself.

ETA: grammar

What was your other username?

So you're even against the whole "Pick any dress from David's Bridal in Lapis" or "Wear any grey suit"?

FWIW, I paid for my BP's attire...but it's not feasible for most brides and grooms to do so. You have to know that if you've posted here over a thousand times.

GlassButton · August 2013

At this point it's too late to do anything. Unless your FI could politely ask then if they still had the recipt. If all three do then maybe he can ask them to return them and get the right suit. Just be sure that all three switch to the same suit because it'll be really odd if two do and only one stands out.

If he really feels that it'll start drama then I guess there really isn't much to be done.

tammym1001 · August 2013

I think saying "pick any pink dress/grey suit" is okay but past that, I do think that asking someone to buy something specific for YOUR wedding is rude. The role of being a BM or GM is intended to honor them and their special role in your life. To then ask them to shell out cash for that honor, to me, is downright bizarre.

And while yes, it may not be feasible for all brides and grooms to pay for specific attire, having a wedding party in matching attire is not required or necessary.

The groomsmen didn't even do this though! Two of them bought suits that aren't even the right color. When you accept being a BM/GM you know that you are expected to buy an outfit that the bride and groom want you to wear on their wedding day. That's their only responsibility and these guys didn't even do that much. I think the FI has a right to be upset that his groomsmen didn't complete their one responsibility.

With that being said, OP I think your FI needs to decide how important it is to him that they are all in grey suits because saying something to them will probably cause a lot of drama. It sounds like they just might be a little immature and think it's no big deal.

GlassButton · August 2013

alisonmarie658 said:

cap816 said:

alisonmarie658 said:

So you don't think anyone should pick out specific dresses for their bridal party ladies or tell guys to go to the tux rental place and rent a specific tux?

Kind of, but not exactly. I think if you are asking them to wear something you pick out for your wedding then you should pay for it, not them.

That's a little bit extreme. I've never heard anyone say that about the actual attire unless it was hella expensive. Shoes, sure, but not the actual clothes. That's what we tell brides on here all the time -- the only requirement of being a bridesmaid is buying the right dress in the right color and showing up at the right time.

And sober.

GlassButton · August 2013

@cap816

If you've been here for as long as you state you have then you know this is going to be a meaningless argument.

GlassButton · August 2013

cap816 said:

scribe95 said:

This is ridiculous. It is longstanding rule/etiquette/tradition that bridesmaids and groomsmen get (and pay for) the dress/suit picked by the bride and groom. It's the main component of being part of the bridal party. If you don't want to then decline.

Citing longstanding rule/etiquette/tradition is often the rationale used to justify behavior that is at it's core, rude.

That's why:
1. People are asked if they'd want to be in it.
2. People are allowed to poletiely decline.

jessicabessica · August 2013

cap816 said:

I wouldn't worry about it. I think it's absurd to dictate exact dress, even for your wedding party, unless you're going to pay for it.

I know what the party line is and what people typically do, but I really don't get dictating exact dress. My closest friends haven't had bridesmaids/GM, and DH and I didn't either--we honored certain people in other ways in the ceremony. We got ties for our brothers and asked them to wear the same color suit (not the same exact suit), and looking back that was unnecessary.

TiaTea · August 2013

@scribe95
" It is longstanding rule/etiquette/tradition that bridesmaids and groomsmen get (and pay for) the dress/suit picked by the bride and groom."

Sorry, but it's neither.
The tradition only goes to bridesmaids. They dress in a similar way as the bride ( to confuse evil spirits ) Technically , if you have long white dress, they should have long-ish white-ish dresses too. There is nothing about groomsmen attire in the tradition. By the way do you realize that up till very recently people didn't have "outfits"? Often they only had one set of clothing.

The etiquette only goes to informing your guests about the formality of the event - is it going to be casual, black tie, etc. And that is for the comfort of the guests , so they don't feel over or under dressed. You can inform people if a venue has requirements - such as a jacket and a tie, or covering your hair (at a religious venue). You are allowed to suggest, but you can never ever, EVER demand what people wear.

The rules can only be created by a person or a body of authority. There is no authority on wedding attire, so there are no rules.

Meanwhile , you probably read that the Napster co-founder S.Parker got married in a fantasy-world wedding. All his guests wore costumes . Well, he paid for the costumes.

The BM/GM attire of your choice is no more than a "costume" for your BM and GM . They have no need or use for it outside of your wedding. So if you really-really want something for your wedding , like the BM and GM wearing costumes of your choice, you should pay for them.

Hope you do realize that I am not saying that to criticize you.
All I am saying is : relax!
Dressing people in coordinated clothes of your choice is a trend. It's done for decorative purposes only. If your BM and GM show up with mismatched clothes - so be it. It's not going to make your wedding "less perfect" It's going to make it "more real"

crunchymamaof2 · August 2013

cap816 said:

scribe95 said:

Seriously I feel like I'm in bizarro world. When you are asked to be a bridesmaid or groomsman you KNOW you have to pay for attire. If you don't want to, decline. This hasn't changed in decades. It's not rude for a bride to pick a dress - it's EXPECTED. And somehow a few people on here are trying to rewrite the rules.

"Rules" that are rude should be rewritten. Like the traditional division of wedding expenses between a bride and grooms parents/family. There were very specific KNOWN areas and items each side was formerly EXPECTED to pay for, but that has (and for good reason) gone by the wayside and couples are now told that etiquette is out of date.

@cap816

Are you saying if a bride dictates a specific dress without taking her BMs preferences into consideration that's what's rude and when a bride should be the one paying? If so, I agree.

Now, what if everyone goes shopping together and the BM have a say in their dresses? If the bride and BM go to the store looking for a short, purple, chiffon dress and they all find one they agree upon, who should pay? I say BMs. As long as BMs get to have a say in their dresses and their budgets were factored in then they pay for their own dresses.

I get where you're coming from, but I think there's a line between what's acceptable and what isn't. I cringe on SYTTD: Bridesmaids when 1 or some of the BM despise the dress but the consultants and/or bride says "but its MY day and they HAVE to wear what I want!" umm. no. Not with that attitude.

elizabethriley · August 2013

I agree with cap816 on this issue. I really don't understand the "tradition" of bridesmaids being asked.told to get a certain dress, even if you're only dictating color. I would never invite my friends to a dinner party and say, oh, but if you and Amy want to eat you need to wear baby blue silk dresses. Everyone else can wear whatever they want though.

I also really don't understand the divide on bridesmaids paying for dictated dresses but not shoes. People here rail over and over again that cash bars are rude because you'd never ask someone to pay for food, so you shouldn't ask them to pay for drinks either because it's all part of the meal. I think it's inconsistent to have the opposite line for attire. Shoes are part of an outfit as much as a beverage is part of a meal, so why is it not held to the same standard here? Why is the line at the dress? I think the rule should be the same for both, and it should be that if the bride dictates anything, then she should pay for it. Otherwise, let them wear something they already own.

crunchymamaof2 · August 2013

elizabethriley said:

I agree with cap816 on this issue. I really don't understand the "tradition" of bridesmaids being asked.told to get a certain dress, even if you're only dictating color. I would never invite my friends to a dinner party and say, oh, but if you and Amy want to eat you need to wear baby blue silk dresses. Everyone else can wear whatever they want though.

I also really don't understand the divide on bridesmaids paying for dictated dresses but not shoes. People here rail over and over again that cash bars are rude because you'd never ask someone to pay for food, so you shouldn't ask them to pay for drinks either because it's all part of the meal. I think it's inconsistent to have the opposite line for attire. Shoes are part of an outfit as much as a beverage is part of a meal, so why is it not held to the same standard here? Why is the line at the dress? I think the rule should be the same for both, and it should be that if the bride dictates anything, then she should pay for it. Otherwise, let them wear something they already own.

You know, what is the reasoning behind BM having to buy their dresses? We always tell people that specific jewelry, hair, makeup, shoes need to be paid for by the bride since they benefit HER and HER vision. Why would the dress be any different? Now, saying "any short black dress" would be different to me as then the BM can choose going by their taste. But where did the "tradition" of BM paying for their own dresses come from? Just curious.

MobKaz · August 2013

@cap816 said.....

"I think saying "pick any pink dress/grey suit" is okay but past that, I do think that asking someone to buy something specific for YOUR wedding is rude. The role of being a BM or GM is intended to honor them and their special role in your life. To then ask them to shell out cash for that honor, to me, is downright bizarre."

@cap816 also said......

"Rules" that are rude should be rewritten. Like the traditional division of wedding expenses between a bride and grooms parents/family. There were very specific KNOWN areas and items each side was formerly EXPECTED to pay for, but that has (and for good reason) gone by the wayside and couples are now told that etiquette is out of date."

Since this thread has gone beyond absurd, I must ask........

@cap816, did you ask your FI to buy/wear something specific for the wedding? Did you buy a traditional wedding gown? Did you or someone else "shell out money" for the honor of being the bride?

Rules, tradition, and etiquette are entirely different creatures. Etiquette never goes "out of date".

ETA:clarity

elizabethriley · August 2013

mobkaz said:

@cap816 said.....
"I think saying "pick any pink dress/grey suit" is okay but past that, I do think that asking someone to buy something specific for YOUR wedding is rude. The role of being a BM or GM is intended to honor them and their special role in your life. To then ask them to shell out cash for that honor, to me, is downright bizarre."
@cap816 also said......
"Rules" that are rude should be rewritten. Like the traditional division of wedding expenses between a bride and grooms parents/family. There were very specific KNOWN areas and items each side was formerly EXPECTED to pay for, but that has (and for good reason) gone by the wayside and couples are now told that etiquette is out of date."

Since this thread has gone beyond absurd, I must ask........
@cap816, did you ask your FI to buy/wear something specific for the wedding? Did you buy a traditional wedding gown? Did you or someone else "shell out money" for the honor of being the bride?

Rules, tradition, and etiquette are entirely different creatures. Etiquette never goes "out of date".

ETA:clarity

To the highlighted: But asking someone to buy a dress for YOUR wedding isn't an etiquette thing, it's a tradition thing. How could anyone possibly think that asking someone you want to honor to spend money (even money they say is in their budget) on something to benefit your own vision? It can't, because etiquette is all about ensuring your guests comfort, and dictating their attire is not a way to do that (yes, I believe that even if you let them pick out their own style of dress in a color you chose).

tesskerr · August 2013

In New Zealand, the bride and groom are expected to pay for everything wedding related. Including bridesmaids dresses. When bridesmaids are asked to pay for anything, it's considered rude and the bride is most definitely talked about!

Groomsmen attire - 2 days out, what would you do?

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