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Non-traditional wedding party

darbydonahuedarbydonahue member
in Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum
Hi everyone! I'm breaking a lot of rules with my wedding as far as tradition goes (no flowers, no save-the-dates, cheesecake instead of cake, etc.). The wedding itself is a small group of close friends and family, and then the reception will be the full load of 175+ people.   I don't want a wedding party at the alter with me and my future husband.  In my opinion the wedding ceremony is about our love and marriage, not about the colors and flowers and whatnot.  However, I still want to honor our closest friends and have them as a special part of our night.  Is it bad for the bridesmaids and groomsman to just stand with everybody else during the ceremony and then have them in pictures and honor them some other way? 
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Re: Non-traditional wedding party

  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I think it's absolutely fine.
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  • Ven&RadioVen&Radio member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    darbydonahue said:

    Hi everyone! I'm breaking a lot of rules with my wedding as far as tradition goes (no flowers, no save-the-dates, cheesecake instead of cake, etc.). The wedding itself is a small group of close friends and family, and then the reception will be the full load of 175+ people.   I don't want a wedding party at the alter with me and my future husband.  In my opinion the wedding ceremony is about our love and marriage, not about the colors and flowers and whatnot.  However, I still want to honor our closest friends and have them as a special part of our night.  Is it bad for the bridesmaids and groomsman to just stand with everybody else during the ceremony and then have them in pictures and honor them some other way? 

    Your wedding party can sit with your other guests, but it would be rude to have everyone standing during your ceremony.
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  • heidirs731heidirs731 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I'm not sure what the point is of having a wedding party if you aren't going to have them stand with you at the alter. If you want to take pictures with your close friends and such who attended the ceremony, that's really nice. But I agree with above, if you're having them buy tuxes and fancy dresses but they are sitting with your guests, then that does seem rude. However, you mentioned you didn't care about the colors and things, so I'm assuming you didn't require them to buy dresses/tuxes?
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  • jessicabessicajessicabessica member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    We didn't have a wedding party, but we involved our siblings and close friends in various components of the ceremony (presenting rings, holding wedding canopy, witnessing marriage license, witnessing religious marriage contract).  It's fine to do that and then to take photos with your friends.  Since you said you don't care about the flowers and the colors, I assume you are not planning to pick outfits for these friends, and I would recommend against doing that.  We asked the four brothers holding the wedding canopy to wear the same color suit and bought them a tie, and, looking back, I think that was totally unnecessary.
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  • melb2013melb2013 member
    2500 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I like Jessica's suggestions.  I wouldn't' cal them "bridesmaids" or "groomsmen" if they won't stand next to you at the alter.  I also wouldn't have them wear specific outfits- but having them be involved in your ceremony in some way would be nice.  

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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    I totally get what you're trying to achieve. But I can also see it from the perspective of the WP. I would be annoyed for two reasons:

    1. I was asked to purchase a specific outfit and then more or less attend as a guest.
    2. When I agree to be a BM in a wedding, my impression is that I'm being asked to "stand up" next to the bride in support of her marriage. This is the part I'm most honored about - showing my support for the bride (and groom). Pictures don't matter to me - the ceremony does. I'd be a little hurt if someone asked me to be a BM and then said, "sorry, this is about me and my husband, please sit with the rest of the guests." 

    I guess I just wouldn't understand why you asked me in the first place. I see that you're trying to honor them, but I think if I were in their shoes I might feel more confused than honored.

    I would probably either not have a WP at all or just have them "stand up" for you normally (trust me, the focus WILL be on you and FI). If you end up going with your plan, communicate it to them when you ask them to be in the WP so there's no confusion later. I would also not have them purchase specific outfits.
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  • msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
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    darbydonahue said:
    Hi everyone! I'm breaking a lot of rules with my wedding as far as tradition goes (no flowers, no save-the-dates, cheesecake instead of cake, etc.). The wedding itself is a small group of close friends and family, and then the reception will be the full load of 175+ people.   I don't want a wedding party at the alter with me and my future husband.  In my opinion the wedding ceremony is about our love and marriage, not about the colors and flowers and whatnot.  However, I still want to honor our closest friends and have them as a special part of our night.  Is it bad for the bridesmaids and groomsman to just stand with everybody else during the ceremony and then have them in pictures and honor them some other way? 

    I agree with the rest that if you don't want a wedding party, you shouldn't have one. You can still make them feel special by including them in pictures and such. Normally, we would suggest a corsage or a reading to help them feel included.

     

    Also, please don't do the bolded. You are having a tiered reception and that's not cool. It's like saying, "hey, you are cool enough to come to my party and give me a gift, but not to see what the whole purpose is." The only exception to this is when you are having an immediate family only ceremony.

    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    msuprincess04 said:
    darbydonahue said:
    Hi everyone! I'm breaking a lot of rules with my wedding as far as tradition goes (no flowers, no save-the-dates, cheesecake instead of cake, etc.). The wedding itself is a small group of close friends and family, and then the reception will be the full load of 175+ people.   I don't want a wedding party at the alter with me and my future husband.  In my opinion the wedding ceremony is about our love and marriage, not about the colors and flowers and whatnot.  However, I still want to honor our closest friends and have them as a special part of our night.  Is it bad for the bridesmaids and groomsman to just stand with everybody else during the ceremony and then have them in pictures and honor them some other way? 

    I agree with the rest that if you don't want a wedding party, you shouldn't have one. You can still make them feel special by including them in pictures and such. Normally, we would suggest a corsage or a reading to help them feel included.

     

    Also, please don't do the bolded. You are having a tiered reception and that's not cool. It's like saying, "hey, you are cool enough to come to my party and give me a gift, but not to see what the whole purpose is." The only exception to this is when you are having an immediate family only ceremony.


    I agree, dont do a tiered wedding. The ceremony and reception is one event. Guests should be invited to all or nothing.
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  • doeydodoeydo member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ven&Radio said:
    Hi everyone! I'm breaking a lot of rules with my wedding as far as tradition goes (no flowers, no save-the-dates, cheesecake instead of cake, etc.). The wedding itself is a small group of close friends and family, and then the reception will be the full load of 175+ people.   I don't want a wedding party at the alter with me and my future husband.  In my opinion the wedding ceremony is about our love and marriage, not about the colors and flowers and whatnot.  However, I still want to honor our closest friends and have them as a special part of our night.  Is it bad for the bridesmaids and groomsman to just stand with everybody else during the ceremony and then have them in pictures and honor them some other way? 
    Your wedding party can sit with your other guests, but it would be rude to have everyone standing during your ceremony.
    I agree, even if it is a short ceremony.  
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  • TheVirginiansTheVirginians member
    500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary

    First, nobody should stand during the service. Have a chair for every butt.

    Second, the only way you can not invite everyone to the ceremony and the reception, is if you have a truly private and intimate ceremony, such as 20 or 30 people: just close family and a friend or two each.

    Third, with 20 or 30 people, you only need an attendant each, who can sit with your family.

    You can do unique, but you need to be a gracious hostess and friend.

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  • WonderRedWonderRed member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    We aren't having attendants but we are asking 1-2 close friends each to sit with us at our table at the reception to honor their role in our lives.  They won't be in the photos and they can wear what they want to.
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