Inviting Grandparents with Health Issues

rgilman91 · August 2013

Hello all,

My F and I will be getting married next year. We have 12 months to go and we are so excited!

Our current problem is: My grandparents (dad's side) have quite a few health issues. They cannot walk up and down stairs. They are also not well off financially and live in OR. We live and are getting married in Wa. My mom is worried that if we invite them, they will expect my parents to pay for their train ride, their hotel, their food, etc. We have had this problem with them in the past where my parents were expected to pay for everything during their visit. I'm on the fence about this since we have had issues like this in the past, so I understand where my mom is coming from, but at the same time, they are my grandparents and I would like for them to be at our wedding. Since it is my family, my F is supportive of whatever I choose.

Any thoughts?

bethsmiles · August 2013

Can you and your FI pay for their travel to the wedding? If you want them there, I think that should be the solution over your parents paying.

Bubbles2014 · August 2013

I have a similar issue with my family. There is no way my uncle will be able to afford to come to the wedding, and he will end up asking a family member to pay his way. I know this for sure because it happens every time he comes to NZ, and his situation hasn't improved. I discussed it with my dad and his (sensible, I think) advice was this - You are only responsible for the invitation, not what he does with it from there. If you invite him and he asks someone for money that isn't on you. The person he is asking can decline. It is a situation between other adults that is none of your business, just like any other financial discussion.

If you want Grandpa there, invite him. Can you help pay his way to make things easier?

bethsmiles · August 2013

Bubbles2014 said:

I have a similar issue with my family. There is no way my uncle will be able to afford to come to the wedding, and he will end up asking a family member to pay his way. I know this for sure because it happens every time he comes to NZ, and his situation hasn't improved. I discussed it with my dad and his (sensible, I think) advice was this - You are only responsible for the invitation, not what he does with it from there. If you invite him and he asks someone for money that isn't on you. The person he is asking can decline. It is a situation between other adults that is none of your business, just like any other financial discussion.

If you want Grandpa there, invite him. Can you help pay his way to make things easier?

I think that is the perfect advice for this situation.

Simply Fated · August 2013

This honestly sounds like it's more of a problem for your parents than for you. If your parents can't afford to pay for their parents, then when the grandparents ask them for money, they can say no.

If you want them to be there, and they can't afford to come, then you can offer to help them financially. All or some.

ETA: Stairs shouldn't be an issue. Just look at venues that have one story or elevators. Good luck!

mlg78 · August 2013

If your parents are unwilling to pay then you can offer to do so but you need to also realize that if you don't, it's unlikely that they'll be there.

rgilman91 · August 2013

Thank you for the advice ladies!

-We are on a tight budget so, unfortunately, there is no room in the budget to help them

-To clarify about the stairs: Our venue has no stairs, which is nice. I mentioned the stairs because my grandparents will first ask to stay at my parents house, where all bedrooms are on the second floor. Since they can't go up and down stairs, they will then ask (more like demand) that my parents pay for their entire trip.

I can now see that this is not my issue. I will send an invite and whatever they ask of parents is between them.

phira · August 2013

I agree with @Bubbles2014. As much as it sucks, this problem isn't your problem; it's your parents' problem.

If you invite your grandparents, and they have to decline because of health reasons, there's no problem, you know? There's no, "I can't believe our granddaughter didn't invite us to her wedding!" drama, and you're not going to be super HURT if you grandparents have to decline because of health/financial reasons. All perfectly reasonable stuff.

I would talk with your parents and explain that you are inviting your grandparents BUT you don't expect your parents to pay for your grandparents' trip. Your parents are adults and if they're pressured into paying for your grandparents, that's not your fault.

Catwoman708 · August 2013

If you want them there, then invite them.

Whether they are physically and financially able to attend is another story, and totally up to them to decide. If they expect your parents to pay, your parents are capable of telling them they cannot afford it. Unless they ask YOU to pay for their trip, stay out of their finances and accommodation.

TheVirginians · August 2013

Think of how your grandparents would feel if they were not invited. Right. Invite them.

MoonlightSilver · August 2013

Will your grandparents show up if your parents don't pay for them?

If you want them to show up, but you know they financially can't make the trip, you need to budget for their travel.

If you don't care either way, you can just send an invite and let them sort it out.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

Your parents need to buck up and say no to them. No is not a four letter word. If it's that important to you, then you pay for it, but don't stick your parents with the expense.

rgilman91 · August 2013

Again, there is no room in the budget to pay for their trip. My parents are paying for a good chunk of the wedding so they cannot afford to help either. I will send an invite and of my grandparents freak out on my parents, then it's between them. Thank you all for your advice ladies!

SP29 · August 2013

I think a PP said it perfectly- once you send the invite (I would) it's up to them with that they do with it.

I would also tell your parents that you do not expect them to cover the cost for your grandparents- then whatever they decide to do is on them.

rgilman91 · August 2013

SP29: Thank you! That is a great way to let my parents know that we are not expecting them to pay for my grandparents trip, however, an invite is still being sent.

rgilman91 · August 2013

No stress. It was just something that has come up a few times when talking with my parents.

ElcaB · August 2013

I would invite them to the wedding. If they expect someone else (your parents) to cover their travel expenses, that's between them and whoever they ask about it. Your parents have the option to say no.

kmmssg · August 2013

I'm a MOB. It is time for your parents to set some financial boundaries with your g'parents. Your parents need to learn that no is not a 4 letter word. Let your parents know you intend on inviting g'ma an g'pa. If they voice concern, give them a little encouragement, like, "Mom, Dad - you need to just tell them you can't afford it. There is nothing wrong with saying no."

Even at our age, it is easy to let ourselves be guilt ridden over aging parents who don't have financial security.

Inviting Grandparents with Health Issues

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