Obsessing

simplykayla · July 2013

Am I the only one constantly obsessing about wedding details?
I feel like I'm turning into bridezilla over here. All things wedding are basically consuming my thoughts, time, etc. I'm stressing out so bad that I'm losing sleep over it, I've got chronic migraines, and my hair is falling out!
We have 73 days left and there's still sooo much to do. And I'm basically doing it all by myself so I'm freaking out.

How do I calm the heck down??

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Start cutting things out.

Are you DIYing a bunch of stuff? Get rid of some of it. Can you enlist help from your mom/sister/close friend who is invited to the wedding/bridesmaids? Or, better yet, your fiance?

What do you have left to do?

(I was planning on doing welcome bags, bathroom baskets, and favors. I cut them all - and I know none of them will be missed.)

Stina51286 · July 2013

Start a hobby? All this obsessing is obviously not healthy. Your hair should not be falling out and you should not be getting chronic headaches.

Ask your FI for help, it is HIS wedding too. If something doesn't get done, who cares. Only you will know.

In the end remember the only goal out of this whole thing is to be married, to the love of your life. Not the party.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Stina51286 said:

Start a hobby? All this obsessing is obviously not healthy. Your hair should not be falling out and you should not be getting chronic headaches.

Ask your FI for help, it is HIS wedding too. If something doesn't get done, who cares. Only you will know.

In the end remember the only goal out of this whole thing is to be married, to the love of your life. Not the party.

+1

simplykayla · July 2013

FI is traumatized from an invitation mishap, and is very hesitant to try to help with anything again. He had offered to cut our invitation cardstock for me, but ended up cutting everything soo crooked that they were unusable, and we had to buy more paper.
My mom was helping, but my little sister is having some issues right now that are occupying her time.

The bridesmaids dresses still need to be purchased, I haven't purchased my veil yet, we still need to meet with our baker and finalize the cake, discuss the ceremony with our officiant, finish DIYing the flowers, DIY the music lists, purchase ringbearer outfits, finalize grooms/groomsmen attire, favors, kids bags, get all the ceremony things (sand ceremony, ring pillow, flowergirl basket, rose petals, etc).
And that's not even everything. I have three pages of lists of stuff that needs to be done. I feel like we still have a million details to go through.

thejucheidea · July 2013

Yeah, you need to simplify that.

simplykayla · July 2013

I'm just not sure how to simplify everything.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Cut the favors and kids bags. Are you doing an iPod playlist, or DJ? Ask your friends/family to recommend a favorite song or two - add those to the list.

How many/what kind of flowers are you DIYing? Simplify them. Instead of doing elaborate bouquets, go to a craft store, buy a handful of flowers and tie a ribbon around the stems.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Also, if your FI is hesitant because of one mishap, tell him to put on his big boy pants and help you with your wedding planning. It's done, it's over. Yes, it happened, but he learned. He won't make the same mistake again.

simplykayla · July 2013

lplions said:

Cut the favors and kids bags. Are you doing an iPod playlist, or DJ? Ask your friends/family to recommend a favorite song or two - add those to the list.

How many/what kind of flowers are you DIYing? Simplify them. Instead of doing elaborate bouquets, go to a craft store, buy a handful of flowers and tie a ribbon around the stems.

We're doing an iPod playlist, but we have a guy who will be in charge of playing the music. So I have to put together what songs we want where.

DIYing the bouquets, boutteneirs, corsages, and reception flowers. Most of the bouquets are done, and we've purchased all the flowers already, we just have to put them together.

simplykayla · July 2013

lplions said:

Also, if your FI is hesitant because of one mishap, tell him to put on his big boy pants and help you with your wedding planning. It's done, it's over. Yes, it happened, but he learned. He won't make the same mistake again.

Lol! I tried that. He's a stubborn one. Maybe if I tell him I'll go insane if he doesn't help, he'll finally get over it!

hardlyhannah · July 2013

Yea you need to be straight with him and get him helping. He's being a big baby if that 'traumatized him'.

And simplify.

You still have time. I haven't finalized any of the music, or the ceremony. But it will happen. We're meeting with our officiant next week to get a first draft of the ceremony. I am going to work on music based on that.

Our meeting with our DJ isn't until September. I purposely did that so we have time to think of our 'do not play' 'must play' lists as well as the spotlight songs.

Yes, it is coming up fast, but there's still two months. Just plug away at everything and it will happen.

libby18bell · July 2013

I don't want to sound like a jerk but why are you DIY'ing so much when you are clearly stressed out? People need to know their limits and it's not a bad thing. I knew full well there was no way I could do the cutting of the card stock and putting the invitations together without resenting the whole process and getting burnt out so we bought them, over and done with. If these are all must have things then you need to start delegating. How much money are you saving DIY'ing the flowers? Go to the local farmers market find a florist there and see what they would charge to do it. The ring bearer not sure why you are buying the outfit, wouldn't their mom get it? Granted I don't have a RB so not sure how that works.

You also need to put your priorities in check and like PPs said, the most important thing is at the end of the day you are married to the love of your life.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Scrap - or simplify the reception flowers. Seriously.

The only songs you really need to pick out are a first dance song (if you're having one) and the F/D & M/S dances (again, if you're having them). Everything else? Just put songs you like into a playlist. It will be fine.

I have 40 items left on my list. 5 or 6 of them are related to obtaining the marriage license. At least two or three more are in regards to the honeymoon, and most are just reminders for things like vendor payments. TK's checklist says I have about 80 things left to do. Meh. I'll get what I need done, and at the end of the day, as long as I am a married woman, I will say it was a successful wedding.

simplykayla · July 2013

libby18bell said:

I don't want to sound like a jerk but why are you DIY'ing so much when you are clearly stressed out? People need to know their limits and it's not a bad thing. I knew full well there was no way I could do the cutting of the card stock and putting the invitations together without resenting the whole process and getting burnt out so we bought them, over and done with. If these are all must have things then you need to start delegating. How much money are you saving DIY'ing the flowers? Go to the local farmers market find a florist there and see what they would charge to do it. The ring bearer not sure why you are buying the outfit, wouldn't their mom get it? Granted I don't have a RB so not sure how that works.

You also need to put your priorities in check and like PPs said, the most important thing is at the end of the day you are married to the love of your life.

I planned to DIY because my mom had offered to help with everything, but then once everything came up with my sister, she just hasn't had the time anymore, leaving me to do everything myself.
Unfortunately, we've already bought all the flowers for the DIY, so I don't have the money to buy fresh ones now.
The ringbearer is my son, so yeah

lol.

rustytammy · July 2013

lplions said:

Cut the favors and kids bags. Are you doing an iPod playlist, or DJ? Ask your friends/family to recommend a favorite song or two - add those to the list.

How many/what kind of flowers are you DIYing? Simplify them. Instead of doing elaborate bouquets, go to a craft store, buy a handful of flowers and tie a ribbon around the stems.

lp is right about the play list. Send out an email and ask people what they would like to hear. I've done this, not that anyone has responded, but I keep a little pad of paper with me and when I hear a song on the radio I like I jot it down and add it to the list. Since you are using the ipod you can just keep adding until the day before.

As for everything else, like everyone else has said, figure out what is the "must have" things for the wedding. Then cut everything else out. I spend half of my lunch surfing the net for things we need and buy them to save a little bit of time. If the place I'm shopping is a box store then I have it shipped to the store and save on shipping.

My best advice is take a deep breath. Walk away for a day or two and do things that you and your FI love. Then come back to everything. You'll feel better and be refocused.

libby18bell · July 2013

I suppose you made the all too common mistake is relying on others. Nothing you can do about it now, and you can't be upset at your mom it's not her wedding, she was going to help, but now she can't so you move on. You and FI need to prioritize what needs to be done. Give him one or two things he can own, like the playlist and let it be. That's what worked best for me. You have to trust him to handle it and accept it however it's done. Since you are crazy stressed you can't mircromanage it, especially since you have a few things that need to get done sooner than later, like the BM dresses. At this point they have to buy off the rack, or pay for crazy shipping, so the sooner the better on that. Take PP's advice on the music and let FI work on the playlist and you keep a piece of paper to jot down random songs you like and want them added. Worst comes to worst you do a play list and you put it on shuffle.

Just breathe!!!!

FLDiver · July 2013

Quote: The bridesmaids dresses still need to be purchased, I haven't purchased my veil yet, we still need to meet with our baker and finalize the cake, discuss the ceremony with our officiant, finish DIYing the flowers, DIY the music lists, purchase ringbearer outfits, finalize grooms/groomsmen attire, favors, kids bags, get all the ceremony things (sand ceremony, ring pillow, flowergirl basket, rose petals, etc).
And that's not even everything. I have three pages of lists of stuff that needs to be done. I feel like we still have a million details to go through.

Today and tomorrow: Make appointments for baker and officiant for next week. Have photos/samples of what you want done before you go, and be decisive about what you want.

Everything bolded you can do this weekend. Just be decisive, purchase them, and move on.

Your FI can attend to his and his attendants attire.

See? In a week, almost all your issues on that list will be solved.

I've found that hemming and hawing over things just leads to exactly this.....feeling stressed over simple things that will be a blip on the radar in a year from now. Just attack one item, decide, purchase, and move on.

ETA: I can't seem to get the quote function to do just a simple quote. Irritating.

09McSteph03 · August 2013

Chiming in to say whats already been said. Just breathe, and then take a good hard look at the list.

If FI wont help with the wedding, then set him up with a "boys day" where he provides care for the kids and you get to focus on the wedding. Don't let this consume you. If you already bought the DIY flowers, can you return them? If not, take them right into a Hobby Lobby or a Michaels and ask the floral person on staff to help you arrange them. They are trained and often quite good. They likely wont sit and do it all, but will help drive you in the right direction.

Like FLDiver said - make your appointments, go and pick something. Once it's picked, move along. If FI is too traumatized to attend or provide input, then you do what you want and think he will be OK with and move along. Everything you mentioned can be purchased outright with one trip to Hobby Lobby, Michaels, Walmart or any other store your heart desires.

To simplify the playlist, shoot an email off to 10 close people and ask them ten songs each. Add them. You will end up with 50-100 extra songs and that's at least 150-300 minutes.

What is the plan with your BM's dresses. You have like, 11 weeks to get that done. If it's not happening shortly, can they wear something they already have?

Let the favors go. They are time consuming, annoying and unless it's food, people may just leave it behind. It doesn't sound to me like you have the energy to put into them, then see them not get taken/used. And don't listen to anyone who says you NEED things...you NEED someone who is authorized in your state to marry you, that is it!

What else?

simplykayla · August 2013

Thank you everyone for all of your suggestions. I really did just need to step back and take a look at what was necessary and what's not. I'm perfectionist, OCD, over-analytical, indecisive, and all that nonsense (I get it from my mom). So it takes a few anxiety attacks for me to get through anything, which explains why all the wedding stuff is freaking me out. Breaking it down like that really helps though.

Baker finally got back to me and we have a meeting on Friday.Yay!
We're meeting with the officiant at the beginning of September, cause he's only available weekends, and I'm busy with a birthday literally every single weekend of August.

I asked for ideas from family about song suggestions, all I got was the cheesy "Cha-cha slide" stuff, that I'm not sure if I want to have anyway. Maybe I'll start a post somewhere here asking for song suggestions!
I'll ask FI to help with the playlists too, and I'll find a couple other things to put him in charge of.
I don't care to have favors, but he wants them. So maybe I'll make him take care of the favors if he wants them so bad!

As for bridesmaids dresses, we have them picked out at a store that sells off the rack, the BM's are just waiting until they can actually pay for them. I've expressed my concerns about timing (especially if they need alterations), but of course I can't force them to purchase the dresses if they don't have the money yet.

Where can I find cute outfits for my ringbearers without it costing an arm and a leg?

09McSteph03 · August 2013

You are on the right track! Start a new thread looking for song stuff and help us help you by pointing out what types of musics you do like, don't like, whether you want the cheesy songs or not. Tell us more about your wedding and if you have a theme. And how many hours do you need to fill?

Ringbearer outfits - some of the other girls will have a much better idea but I am partial to JC Penny and Kohls. I shop with coupons and they tend to have good ones and good deals. I don't have kids either so I am not sure how to help here.

You are right, you cannot force the dress purchase. So stick it out and see what happens. If push comes to shove, are you prepared to purchase the dress you want them to wear? No answer needed, just be prepared with a "plan B" and stick to it.

I understand where you are coming from. I am my own worst enemy time and time again with all the issues you mentioned. You will get thru it. As each things gets crossed off you will feel better. And great plan having him do the favors. It's really a simple task and will give him a very good opportunity to contribute in a way that shouldn't cause him any stress.

thejucheidea · August 2013

Thank you everyone for all of your suggestions. I really did just need to step back and take a look at what was necessary and what's not. I'm perfectionist, OCD, over-analytical, indecisive, and all that nonsense (I get it from my mom).

Unless you actually suffer from documented OCD that requires treatment because your compulsions cause a decrease in your quality of life, you shouldn't flippantly call yourself 'OCD'. OCD is a very serious illness that causes many to self-injure and commit suicide -- just because you like things a certain way doesn't mean you suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder.

simplykayla · August 2013

thejucheidea said:

Thank you everyone for all of your suggestions. I really did just need to step back and take a look at what was necessary and what's not. I'm perfectionist, OCD, over-analytical, indecisive, and all that nonsense (I get it from my mom).
Unless you actually suffer from documented OCD that requires treatment because your compulsions cause a decrease in your quality of life, you shouldn't flippantly call yourself 'OCD'. OCD is a very serious illness that causes many to self-injure and commit suicide -- just because you like things a certain way doesn't mean you suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder.

I actually suffer from depression and an anxiety disorder with OCD tendencies. It's something I've been battling on and off for the past 9 years.

thejucheidea · August 2013

simplykayla said: thejucheidea said: Thank you everyone for all of your suggestions. I really did just need to step back and take a look at what was necessary and what's not. I'm perfectionist, OCD, over-analytical, indecisive, and all that nonsense (I get it from my mom).
Unless you actually suffer from documented OCD that requires treatment because your compulsions cause a decrease in your quality of life, you shouldn't flippantly call yourself 'OCD'. OCD is a very serious illness that causes many to self-injure and commit suicide -- just because you like things a certain way doesn't mean you suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder. I actually suffer from depression and an anxiety disorder with OCD tendencies. It's something I've been battling on and off for the past 9 years.
OCD tendencies? Last I checked, OCD is its own diagnosis, and it's a terrifying one. I have bipolar disorder and social anxiety (something which I've been battling for nine years as well), but one of my very closest friends has OCD and her journey through mental illness has been mired in much more horror that mine has. She can't go to sleep at night without going through a specific set of compulsive activities or she believes that she will die in the night. She cannot sleep anywhere but her own home. Her compulsions mentally destroy her. She has been hospitalized many times and has to go through exposure therapy regularly as well as see a therapist 2-3 times a week, sometimes having to have the therapist come to her home instead of going to her office because she's afraid if she leaves the apartment, she'll die.

I feel strongly about this, and none of what you say is going to make claiming OCD as a personality point okay with me. OCD is serious shit.

simplykayla · August 2013

thejucheidea said:

simplykayla said:

thejucheidea said:

Thank you everyone for all of your suggestions. I really did just need to step back and take a look at what was necessary and what's not. I'm perfectionist, OCD, over-analytical, indecisive, and all that nonsense (I get it from my mom).
Unless you actually suffer from documented OCD that requires treatment because your compulsions cause a decrease in your quality of life, you shouldn't flippantly call yourself 'OCD'. OCD is a very serious illness that causes many to self-injure and commit suicide -- just because you like things a certain way doesn't mean you suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder.

I actually suffer from depression and an anxiety disorder with OCD tendencies. It's something I've been battling on and off for the past 9 years.

OCD tendencies? Last I checked, OCD is its own diagnosis, and it's a terrifying one. I have bipolar disorder and social anxiety (something which I've been battling for nine years as well), but one of my very closest friends has OCD and her journey through mental illness has been mired in much more horror that mine has. She can't go to sleep at night without going through a specific set of compulsive activities or she believes that she will die in the night. She cannot sleep anywhere but her own home. Her compulsions mentally destroy her. She has been hospitalized many times and has to go through exposure therapy regularly as well as see a therapist 2-3 times a week, sometimes having to have the therapist come to her home instead of going to her office because she's afraid if she leaves the apartment, she'll die.

I feel strongly about this, and none of what you say is going to make claiming OCD as a personality point okay with me. OCD is serious shit.

I am very sorry about your friend and what she has to go through. Any type of mental illness is not something I would wish on anybody.
But to be fair, you don't have a right to judge the level of my mental illness when you don't know me, or my history. I would never joke about or belittle OCD, as I do know that it is serious. When I say OCD tendencies I am using my doctor's words, not mine. It is possible to have a lower degree of OCD behavior in conjunction with depression or anxiety. It is not a personality point, it is something I have truly been diagnosed with. I have dealt with similar circumstances, though not to that extreme, and I too have been hospitalized, attempted suicide and self-harmed.
Unfortunately, it runs in my family, and my little sister was just hospitalized a few weeks ago for a suicide attempt.
Trust me, I know the seriousness of mental illnesses.

amaryann210 · August 2013

OCD IS serious, but it also has varying levels of intensity and there is Obsessive Compulsive Persoanlity Disorder as well. I'm a mental health professional and OCPD is not something that requires as intense treatment as OCD. Within the OCD diagnosis, an individual can suffer from obsessions and/or compulsions. Both are not necessarily present.

OCPD, on the other hand, is characterized by preoccupation with details, rules, lists, etc. to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost. The person may show perfectionism that interferes with task completion. They may be excessively devoted to work or productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities, or overscrupulous and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics and values. They can be reluctant to delegate tasks to others or work with others unless they submit to exactly the way the person with OCPD wants them done. They tend to show rigidity and stubbornness and can be miserly with their money and have a hard time throwing things away.

I'm a therapist and I have some obsessive tendencies about order and having things in the places I want them. I think it's because I deal with chaos on a daily basis in trying to help the familes I serve make sense of what's going on with them. Mental illness is real and I hope I brought some clarity.

Source of diagnostic information: The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition

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