"In Memory Of"

bullfrogmama · July 2013

So a little background... my mom passed away almost 3 years ago. I've been trying to rack my brain on a way to remember her during my wedding and/or reception, but I am not a sappy, tear jerker kind of person and I certainly don't want anything of that sort at my wedding, supposedly one of the happiest days of my life (I say supposedly, bc nothing will top the births of my sons, lol). My mom would never have wanted that either. I came up with a kind of cool idea but my DJ said he can't make it work bc we're too close to the wedding (time issue). No big deal.

So here's the thing... I am feeling pressure from some people that I have to do something like this, but I just don't want to. My garter is made of pieces of her wedding dress, so her memory will be close to me that day. I think that's enough. Are people going to side-eye if I don't do a public remembrance thing? Or am I OK and the people pressuring me in the wrong? Thanks for your thoughts.

AddieCake · July 2013

People pressuring you are wrong. You do not need to turn your wedding into a memorial for your mother. The garter is enough.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

Sorry to hear about your mother, OP. Do whatever feels right for you. It's wrong of people to pressure you.

We are doing a small candle by our guest book and putting a note by it that it's burning in memory of people who can't be there (all my grandparents have passed away and two of his grandparents are too sick to travel). No announcements, nothing else.

MoonlightSilver · July 2013

Seeing how it's your mom and your wedding, however YOU decide to remember her is enough. If anyone pressures you, just tell them you'll keep their idea in mind and then change the subject.

Simply Fated · July 2013

bullfrogmama said:

So a little background... my mom passed away almost 3 years ago. I've been trying to rack my brain on a way to remember her during my wedding and/or reception, but I am not a sappy, tear jerker kind of person and I certainly don't want anything of that sort at my wedding, supposedly one of the happiest days of my life (I say supposedly, bc nothing will top the births of my sons, lol). My mom would never have wanted that either. I came up with a kind of cool idea but my DJ said he can't make it work bc we're too close to the wedding (time issue). No big deal.

So here's the thing... I am feeling pressure from some people that I have to do something like this, but I just don't want to. My garter is made of pieces of her wedding dress, so her memory will be close to me that day. I think that's enough. Are people going to side-eye if I don't do a public remembrance thing? Or am I OK and the people pressuring me in the wrong? Thanks for your thoughts.

I'm so sorry that people are telling you things like this.

Here's the thing, from what you have posted, it doesn't sound like your mom would have wanted you to have a huge, public, tear jerker moment. What you are doing is fine, it's what you know you can handle, it's how you want to deal with it and you probably know what your mom would have wanted.

If they bring it up again, try something like, "Thank you for your suggestion." and leave it at that. Good luck to you!

efmcc67 · July 2013

I think your tribute is beautiful. Memorials are personal, and no one else should dictate what you do or don't do.

meggiemo · July 2013

I absolutely LOVE your garter idea. What a beautiful way to incorporate her into your wedding day. If you feel as though you need to do more, you could always include her picture in a locket on your bouquet. I had always wanted my grandfather to walk me down the aisle, along with my dad, but he passed away 3 years ago. In having his picture in a locket on my bouquet, he was still able to walk with me down the aisle!

rkbo · July 2013

We are in the same boat, kind of, as my fiance has a very close Aunt that just passed away about a month ago, and her Sister who passed away 20+ years ago. We are going to put a picture of each of them somewhere at our wedding/reception. I am not exactly sure where we will put their pictures, maybe the guest book table, gift table, etc?

BMoreBride6 · July 2013

Do 100% exactly (and only) what you are comfortable with. I was recently at a wedding in which the bride's father had passed away within a couple of months of the wedding. The back of the program has a short "thank you for everything you did to get me to this point Dad, I miss you and love you, Bride" type thing and that was it. It was never brought up, her mom walked her down the aisle, nothing was said about it during the reception, etc. She may have done something more private like your garter idea, but of course as guests, we did not know. And that was 100% fine. She handled it exactly how she felt comfortable. I think its rather disrespectful for anyone to think they have any say in it, honestly I can't believe anyone outside of your immediate family (father, siblings), would even have the gall to say anything. So your garter idea is really wonderful, and whatever else you decide to do is perfect.

bullfrogmama · July 2013

Thank you everyone. Sorry it took me so long to get back here- silly work responsibilities.

I seriously value all of your opinions, so thanks again. I will keep the garter as my tribute and that's it.

Jen4948 · July 2013

I like the garter idea. If anyone thinks that's not enough, they are being disrespectful to you and your mother's memory.

misssunshine17 · July 2013

Those people are so, so, so wrong. This should be personal and it sounds like it is. Also, when you put things out, others might have an emotional response to it and you don't want that to happen.

I plan on bringing my bouquet to my FI's grandparents, but that's it for 'memorial'.

AnitaH08 · July 2013

Just wanted to say thanks for asking this question, OP. I'm dealing with the same pressure regarding my father who passed 10 years ago and my grandfather who passed 3 years ago. My brothers are pushing me to do something, but my fiance doesn't want to do any sort of outward display (and he lost his grandfather 2 years ago), simply because he knows seeing any memorial would cause me to be an absolute mess. Not having my daddy there to walk me down the aisle is hard enough, and he doesn't want to make it any worse. He's 100% right and I know it, so all I will be doing is borrowing a handkerchief of my dad's from my mom to serve as my something borrowed and something old.

Best of luck with the people pressuring you on this!

Jen4948 · July 2013

SkettiHeadie said:

The people are wrong, and I'm sorry they aren't being more considerate. I'm also sorry for your loss. I think the garter is a lovely way to remember your mom on your day, and cherishing something that was hers as well.

If you want to do something else, you could put one rose on a seat in the front in remembrance of her, like that would have been her seat. But it is YOUR choice and your choice alone if and how you choose to display a memorial for her.

We usually don't advise the bolded because that can come across as too morbid and tearjerking a reminder of the reason the deceased is not present. This is what the OP says she wants to avoid.

misssunshine17 · July 2013

I'm with Jen. No roses on seats. If I was your sister and it was my mother being 'remembered' I would probably sob through the ceremony because of something like that.

OP, what you have planned is lovely and heartfelt.

Chipmunk415 · July 2013

I think the garter is fine. I'm sorry your mom won't be there in person to see your wedding.

FI's mom was killed in a car accident over 15 years ago. FIL has remarried, and FSMIL will be seated next to him. To keep his Mom involved without making FSMIL uncomfortable, I am wearing one of her rings on my right hand as my "something borrowed." It's a nice way to have her there without making the wedding into a memorial for her.

bullfrogmama · July 2013

AnitaH08 said:

Just wanted to say thanks for asking this question, OP. I'm dealing with the same pressure regarding my father who passed 10 years ago and my grandfather who passed 3 years ago. My brothers are pushing me to do something, but my fiance doesn't want to do any sort of outward display (and he lost his grandfather 2 years ago), simply because he knows seeing any memorial would cause me to be an absolute mess. Not having my daddy there to walk me down the aisle is hard enough, and he doesn't want to make it any worse. He's 100% right and I know it, so all I will be doing is borrowing a handkerchief of my dad's from my mom to serve as my something borrowed and something old.

Best of luck with the people pressuring you on this!

Exactly! The people pressuring me are actually some of my FIL's bc they want their family members memorialized and feel if they can get me to do one for my mom this will open the door for theirs.

The people they want are FI's grandmother and Uncle. And besides what I've already stated about not being a tear jerker kind of person, I really don't want to put people on the same page as my mom.

As selfish as that sounds... my mom died super young after fighting a terrible battle against breast cancer. FI's family members were elderly, and while it is still sad, they had lived their lives quite fully.

Just to be clear, I did ask FI before making this decision. He wanted nothing do with it.

BMoreBride6 · July 2013

bullfrogmama said:

AnitaH08 said:

Just wanted to say thanks for asking this question, OP. I'm dealing with the same pressure regarding my father who passed 10 years ago and my grandfather who passed 3 years ago. My brothers are pushing me to do something, but my fiance doesn't want to do any sort of outward display (and he lost his grandfather 2 years ago), simply because he knows seeing any memorial would cause me to be an absolute mess. Not having my daddy there to walk me down the aisle is hard enough, and he doesn't want to make it any worse. He's 100% right and I know it, so all I will be doing is borrowing a handkerchief of my dad's from my mom to serve as my something borrowed and something old.

Best of luck with the people pressuring you on this!

Exactly! The people pressuring me are actually some of my FIL's bc they want their family members memorialized and feel if they can get me to do one for my mom this will open the door for theirs.

The people they want are FI's grandmother and Uncle. And besides what I've already stated about not being a tear jerker kind of person, I really don't want to put people on the same page as my mom.

As selfish as that sounds... my mom died super young after fighting a terrible battle against breast cancer. FI's family members were elderly, and while it is still sad, they had lived their lives quite fully.

Just to be clear, I did ask FI before making this decision. He wanted nothing do with it.

Yes, all family members are important is it is always sad to loose someone close, but I agree that this is a bit of a different situation to you loosing your mother (unless of course one of those family members of FI's raised him, but that doesn't sound like the case). If you truly are happy with simply doing the garter than that it wonderful, BUT if you would like to do something else for your mother that by no means, means you need to do something for every deceased family member. That decision is solely between you and your FI.

annathy03 · July 2013

OP, I love love love your garter plan, and if that is what feels right to you it's what you should do. Anita, I lost my dad 6 years ago and plan to wear the pearls he gave me when I turned 16. We don't even officially have a venue yet, but I get snarky comments about how I should have an uncle or someone walk me down the aisle bc "it will be so hard by yourself." I'm not super close to any male relatives so I won't be doing that- I would feel like I was replacing him- but it amazes me how people think it's OK to tell you how to feel about things like that.

bullfrogmama said:

AnitaH08 said:

Just wanted to say thanks for asking this question, OP. I'm dealing with the same pressure regarding my father who passed 10 years ago and my grandfather who passed 3 years ago. My brothers are pushing me to do something, but my fiance doesn't want to do any sort of outward display (and he lost his grandfather 2 years ago), simply because he knows seeing any memorial would cause me to be an absolute mess. Not having my daddy there to walk me down the aisle is hard enough, and he doesn't want to make it any worse. He's 100% right and I know it, so all I will be doing is borrowing a handkerchief of my dad's from my mom to serve as my something borrowed and something old.

Best of luck with the people pressuring you on this!

Exactly! The people pressuring me are actually some of my FIL's bc they want their family members memorialized and feel if they can get me to do one for my mom this will open the door for theirs.

The people they want are FI's grandmother and Uncle. And besides what I've already stated about not being a tear jerker kind of person, I really don't want to put people on the same page as my mom.

As selfish as that sounds... my mom died super young after fighting a terrible battle against breast cancer. FI's family members were elderly, and while it is still sad, they had lived their lives quite fully.

Just to be clear, I did ask FI before making this decision. He wanted nothing do with it.

Ashleyz0814 · July 2013

OP, it sounds like you have it figured out by now but I just wanted to add that I think taking pieces of your mom's dress for your garter is a beautiful tribute to her. My mom also passed away (13 years ago) and I was actually thinking of doing something similar with my mom's dress. Until I asked my father if I could see her dress (when I was little it was in this huge blue box cleaned and preserved and mom would not let me open it) and he told me he threw it out a few years back because it was stained and yellowed. (I was seriously pissed when he told me this. He did not even ask myself or my sister if we wanted it). Anyway I decided to put a very small charm on my bouquet of my favorite picture of her. Personally I could never do the empty seat with a flower on it I would bawl my eyes out.

schellzinator · July 2013

OP - definitely don't bend to what others feel is appropriate. You should remember your mom how you would like to remember her on your wedding day. My FI's mother passed away four years ago and I asked him if he would like to do anything. We decided the only thing he will be doing is having a rum and coke with his sister in his mother's memory at some point in the evening (that was her favorite drink). He was concerned if he did anything else it would be too emotional for him. The location of our wedding is also where we both grew up vacationing and his mother LOVED it.

AddieCake · July 2013

I had an empty seat with rose petals and butterflies on it for my mother. I discussed it with my family beforehand, and it was fine. I don't think the rest of my guests even noticed.

GetThePointe77 · July 2013

Anyone have any ideas for a memorial for a cousin who would have been the best man. He was best friends with both of us, and his brother is actually going to be the best man. His whole family will be in attendance, and we don't want to be upset (or have anyone else be upset), however we want to honor him in some way...

daveANDkristen · July 2013

GetThePointe77 said:

Anyone have any ideas for a memorial for a cousin who would have been the best man. He was best friends with both of us, and his brother is actually going to be the best man. His whole family will be in attendance, and we don't want to be upset (or have anyone else be upset), however we want to honor him in some way...

If you are doing programs, I believe listing him in the program would be appropriate. I've heard of putting a cross next to the name of the deceased. We wrote a thank you to our parents on the back of the program, and underneath that "We regret that we could not spend this cherished day with our dearly departed grandparents, ...names... They are in our thoughts today and everyday".

GetThePointe77 · July 2013

Thanks for the idea! But yea we're not doing programs and its a Jewish wedding so no crosses either.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

we'll have a candle burning next to the guest book and a little sign indicating that it's burning for those who couldn't be with us. it works for us because it's simple, respectful and not an in-your-face kind of thing.

Simply Fated · July 2013

GetThePointe77 said:

Thanks for the idea! But yea we're not doing programs and its a Jewish wedding so no crosses either.

Perhaps a candle? You can set one up off to the side at the cocktail hour. Other than that (or a mention in the program, which you aren't doing) I'm not sure. I'm not into public displays. Mourning is a personal thing and potentially upsetting other family members would be counterproductive.
Weddings are supposed to be a happy time for the couple and their family and friends, not a time to grieve. I totally understand how upset you all must be over this beloved cousin, but please try keep the focus on the happy occasion. Your cousin would not want your wedding to turn into any kind of memorial service, even for a second.

jackieo954 · August 2013

annathy03 - I dealt with the same situation! My mom was going nuts because I won't let someone else walk me down the isle because I don't want to replace my dad. She's since gotten over it, but it is definitely OUR choice as the bride! I know it's going to be difficult, but I know my dad will be right there with me, whispering in my ear "knock it off" if I start crying! LOL. Famous last words. And good for you standing true to your plans.

Bullfrogmama - just as everyone else, I love your garter idea, and my advice is the same as everyone else's. Do what feels right to you. It's YOUR day. They will all get over it. Best wishes to you and your fiance!

applejambutter · August 2013

I think that the garter is a perfect idea. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing more than you feel comfortable with.

My cousin that lived with us and was 6 months apart from me was died in afghanistan. My family likes to make everything a huge deal and I just wanted something for me. So I just put a charm with a picture of us on my bouquet. it was nice and simple and it was perfect for me.

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