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alcoholic FIL

jennac77jennac77
First Comment
in Chit Chat
I just need to vent... My future father in law has a major drinking problem. He is a nice guy but I can not stand being around him when he is drinking. He told me he would stay sober till 5:45 on our wedding day. Thanks for that 45 mins of soberness!! He doesn't even have money to help pay for the wedding because he spends it all on beer. His sister and 85 year old parents are paying for the wedding lunch. He is feels like he isn't involved in wedding plans so he becomes an angry drunk towards me about it. Its not my fault he cant help with anything!! My fiance told me he his dad will behave at the reception. I really hope he does but if he doesn't is it mean of me to ask him to leave??
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Re: alcoholic FIL

  • MayDay513MayDay513 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments 5 Answers First Anniversary
    jennac77 said:
    I just need to vent... My future father in law has a major drinking problem. He is a nice guy but I can not stand being around him when he is drinking. He told me he would stay sober till 5:45 on our wedding day. Thanks for that 45 mins of soberness!! He doesn't even have money to help pay for the wedding because he spends it all on beer. His sister and 85 year old parents are paying for the wedding lunch. He is feels like he isn't involved in wedding plans so he becomes an angry drunk towards me about it. Its not my fault he cant help with anything!! My fiance told me he his dad will behave at the reception. I really hope he does but if he doesn't is it mean of me to ask him to leave??
    I think on your wedding day you and your FI should not have to worry about this. Is there anyone you can ask to help with this? Security at your venue? Making sure bartenders are aware of this, so they can cut him off? Is a dry wedding an option?

    Let's brain storm.


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  • jennac77jennac77
    First Comment
    We are getting married at a golf course so he can get beer at the snack bar, Also a lot of the guests will probably sneak in their own alcohol. I am going to talk to his sister and brother in law and ask them to help keep and eye on him and take him home if needed. It's stressing me out and I hate talking to my fiance about it because it upsets him. I really just want to freak out on my father in law and tell him to get his shit together!!
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  • MayDay513MayDay513 member
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    jennac77 said:
    We are getting married at a golf course so he can get beer at the snack bar, Also a lot of the guests will probably sneak in their own alcohol. I am going to talk to his sister and brother in law and ask them to help keep and eye on him and take him home if needed. It's stressing me out and I hate talking to my fiance about it because it upsets him. I really just want to freak out on my father in law and tell him to get his shit together!!
    I had a wedding guest who was an alcoholic. I worked closely with my DJ, DOC, Event Coordinator (at the venue) to trouble shoot this. At the end of the day there isn't much else to do. But I worked with my DJ and told him to keep the mic away from this individual, however this person was not a family member who could be giving a toast. In the case that his father is giving a toast, you can always ask the DJ to cut the mic if the toast gets out of hand etc. I worked with our event coordinator at the venue to tell her my concerns about this. If there are bartenders they are responsible for cutting people off, but you can always give them a heads up on who to look out for. Will your venue have security? I also think the siblings or someone to calm him down would be great. However, I feel like it will be really stressful and straining if you or your FI have to talk to him about this.

    I have a question about the whole guests sneaking in their own alcohol... are you not serving alcohol and this is why they are doing this? Will this affect you financially with your contract at the venue if something happens?
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  • jennac77jennac77
    First Comment
    We don't have security at the venue.I will definitely talk to the people working in the snack shop about serving him though! We aren't serving alcohol because my mom is religious and so are a lot of our family members. It is a common thing for people in our town to bring their own alcohol and just go out to their cars to drink in the parking lot. Classy I know! I think if it becomes out of control the staff at the course could call the cops but I don't think it would fall on us...
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  • MayDay513MayDay513 member
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    jennac77 said:
    We don't have security at the venue.I will definitely talk to the people working in the snack shop about serving him though! We aren't serving alcohol because my mom is religious and so are a lot of our family members. It is a common thing for people in our town to bring their own alcohol and just go out to their cars to drink in the parking lot. Classy I know! I think if it becomes out of control the staff at the course could call the cops but I don't think it would fall on us...
    That's awesome. I think you can be proactive and not worry. I hope this doesn't ruin your day, or create a rift between you and your FI. Family issues suck. As a bride, I say keep it classy and keep the "kicking out" duties off your list.
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  • mercimariemercimarie member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    What a paradox! Super religious dry party inside, back seat beer-slammin' outside. 
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  • jennac77jennac77
    First Comment
    Ha it's not a super religious party, my mom just doesn't want to pay for alcohol because she doesn't approve of it. If people want beer they can purchase it there. 
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  • misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I would hire security. In my area, a police officer is about $20 an hour. It sounds like this would be money well spent for you. 
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    jennac77 said:
    I just need to vent... My future father in law has a major drinking problem. He is a nice guy but I can not stand being around him when he is drinking. He told me he would stay sober till 5:45 on our wedding day. Thanks for that 45 mins of soberness!! He doesn't even have money to help pay for the wedding because he spends it all on beer. His sister and 85 year old parents are paying for the wedding lunch. He is feels like he isn't involved in wedding plans so he becomes an angry drunk towards me about it. Its not my fault he cant help with anything!! My fiance told me he his dad will behave at the reception. I really hope he does but if he doesn't is it mean of me to ask him to leave??

    Woah, FFIL is not required to spend one penny on your wedding. You also have no right to comment on how he spends his money.

    You shouldnt be dealing with this, your Fi should.

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  • FizzySipsFizzySips member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Agree with PP that no one "should" be paying for the wedding other than you and your FI. there are plenty of ways to be involved without contributing financially. Maybe he has a song he'd like to hear, or an opinion about favors? FI should talk to him about any concerns in general (about his health, perhaps) and also be clear about expectations for the wedding. Regardless, his poor behavior looks bad for him, not for you or your FI.
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  • MayDay513MayDay513 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments 5 Answers First Anniversary
    jennac77 said:
    Ha it's not a super religious party, my mom just doesn't want to pay for alcohol because she doesn't approve of it. If people want beer they can purchase it there. 
    Cash bar, not a good idea.
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  • ski2playski2play member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited August 2013

    You came to the right place to vent, we can all feel for you. 

    You got some really good advice above, your FIL will be in your life hopefully a very long time, you may want to take off your Judgey McJudgey pants where he is concerned. 

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  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary

    OP, your FFIL getting mad at you is completely 100% unacceptable. If your FI doesn't stand up for you...that is ridiculous...

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  • SwazzleSwazzle member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    jennac77 said:
    I just need to vent... My future father in law has a major drinking problem. He is a nice guy but I can not stand being around him when he is drinking. He told me he would stay sober till 5:45 on our wedding day. Thanks for that 45 mins of soberness!! He doesn't even have money to help pay for the wedding because he spends it all on beer. His sister and 85 year old parents are paying for the wedding lunch. He is feels like he isn't involved in wedding plans so he becomes an angry drunk towards me about it. Its not my fault he cant help with anything!! My fiance told me he his dad will behave at the reception. I really hope he does but if he doesn't is it mean of me to ask him to leave??
    1) It's none of your business what your FFIL spends his money on. He's not obligated to pay for ANY of your wedding. 

    2) Whoa. Why does your FI allow this to happen? This would not fly with me. 

    3) This is your FI's father and he should be dealing with him directly. 

    Also, you should not be asking your guests to open their wallet for anything at your wedding.



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  • amaryann210amaryann210 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper

    I empathize with your stress about this situation.  Dealing with an addict is any situation that requires them to appropriate and presentable is tough, especially a wedding.  I agree with PPs that your FI should be dealing with his outbursts, though, if this has been an issue for years, I can see where he might be over it. 

    I imagine several alcoholics have been told over the years to "get it together" with no effect, so as much as you're tempted, you're wasting your time.  Addiction is too powerful a beast and totally defies rational behavior when it needs to be fed.  His chosing to be drunk is no reflection on how he feels about you or his son.  The addiction takes precedence over everything else in his life.  Him saying he'll stay sober until 5:45 actually is him making an effort. 

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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    1. get security at your wedding - and if the time comes, let your FI be the one to kick him out.. NOT you

    2. Why would he pay for any part of your wedding? What he spends his money on is none of your concern.

    3. Are you having a cash bar? If you can't afford to properly host your guests have a dry wedding, period. Sounds like a dry wedding would solve a lot of problems for you.
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  • Jessa617 Jessa617 member
    1000 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    If you are going to have a dry wedding, make sure the snack bar doesn't serve any of your wedding guests. If they are allowed to purchase drinks on their own, this is known as a "cash bar". 

    I wouldn't worry about FFIL not being able to pay for the wedding because it's not his responsibility, actually it's no one's responsibility but your own. If others offer financial help, then that's great! 

    FI should really be having these conversations with FFIL. Especially if he is an alcoholic, there's no easy way to talk to someone like that. 

    If he gets truly out of hand at the reception, you can always call the police if you need to. 
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  • rajahmdrajahmd member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited August 2013
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