Am I out of line? lay it on me...

Re: Am I out of line? lay it on me...

• Grabows14 member

  

  August 2013

  On first glance, If you're family is willing to miss out on seeing you married because it's on a beach, then it's their loss. On second glance from your story, why the drama? Is it because your family wants to see you fulfill the sacrament of marriage or a similar religious practice? If so, then I would consider if you think it's important to you and your fiance to do that. My parents went back after their initial wedding to have a very intimate church ceremony to fulfill the sacrament, so that's always an option too

  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  August 2013

  luckyxxxstars said:

  so my fiance and I have been engaged for almost 6 years and we are now getting around to actually planning the wedding.  We've been talking about it for years and both have always really wanted to do a beach wedding which is just so...us.  My husband grew up on the beach and I'm trying to get him to move there now!! We live in NJ and have been looking to have our wedding in FL.  Our reasoning is that we wouldn't need to be restricted to potential hurricane season like we would in NJ.  The times out of these months in NJ just leave us subject to completely unpredictable weather (as we realize having an outdoor wedding has its downsides anyways).  Also, my fiance's family is from out of the country with airfare infinitely cheaper than flying to NJ.  It would be a fantastic midpoint.  

  
  

  Now for my family's opinion: my grandmother and great aunt have said they will refuse to go to ANY beach wedding.  This really upsets me and just completely bums me out.  I'd be happy to explore more venues closer to our home but I just have been dreaming about this beach wedding for as long as I can remember.  Has anyone ever had to deal with any of this? We are just in the process of beginning to plan out wedding.  I'd be so sad if my grandma doesn't come but I feel like she's making this all about her.  She simply just doesn't want to go to a beach wedding.  I feel like even my own mother is being a bit meh about it all.  It's like they all forget I'm marrying a foreign man and we aren't the only family involved.

  
  

  If I just went ahead and planned my wedding in FL (half the country away for my family but a cheaper alternative for my fiance's and a midpoint at that) is that just rude of me? It's driving me nuts. I want to make the best of everything but just don't want to give up all that I want especially my dream wedding to please everyone (an impossible task).  Any advice?

  The only rules to DW are that you cannot expect everyone to give up their time, money, and vacation days to attend. You don't seem to be doing that -- in fact, you seem to be making every effort to accommodate BOTH sides of your families. 

  
  

  (There are others, but they pertain to pre-wedding events, which you did not ask about. Short answer: Only people invited to the wedding may be invited to pre-wedding events).

  
  

  You are not being unreasonable or out of line. If your grandmother, great-aunt and whomever else are willing to be petty about this, then it's on them. 

  
  

  You need to tell them, "This is what we've decided, period, and the matter isn't up for discussion any further. And then you need to bean-dip them:

  
  

  Grandmother: 'You can't have a beach wedding. If you do, I won't come.'

  You: 'Yes, so you've said. Have you tried this bean dip? It's great!'

  Gma: 'I mean it, I won't come!'

  You: 'This bean dip really is great, I have to get the recipe.'

  Gma: 'I'm not kidding, I won't come unless you do it elsewhere.'

  You: 'I'm going to ask Sally for the recipe, bye!'

  
  

  Deflect, deflect, deflect.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• Chipmunk415 member

  

  August 2013

  I can't even get to the family drama.... OP, if you're concerned about hurricane season in NJ, why would you have a wedding in FL? We get hit down here way more often, and hurricane season is the same length everywhere on the East Coast...unless you're looking at FL because FL vendors, esp those on the Atlantic Coast, have more experience dealing with outdoor weddings on the beach during hurricane season and providing backups?

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• VarunaTT member

  

  August 2013

  I'm stuck on the hurricane thing too.  Wasn't there just one like 2 weeks ago that was downgraded at the last minute to tropical storm?

  
  

  Do you want grandma there more or FL beach more?  When you have that answer, you have your venue.  Also, not everyone is going to be that excited about your wedding. You've been engaged for 6 years.  Let's be honest, at this point people probably consider you married already.

  �

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• 6fsn member

  

  August 2013

  Agreed with every last thing Varuna said. 

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  August 2013

  ::stands with Varuna::
  
  

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• tawillers member

  

  August 2013

  Another one for team Varuna.

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• msdds51 member

  

  August 2013

  I also agree with Varuna.  When you look back in 10, 20, 70 years! will you be more disappointed that you didn't go for your dream location or that some of your family didn't come?

   

  That being said, my mother was against almost everything I wanted for my wedding.  I'm having a winter wedding and she hates the cold and fought me tooth and nail to move it to summer (which just wasn't possible for my fiancé and I).  Once I started rolling with signing contracts, though, she eventually chilled out and stopped arguing.  It helped that my dad was on my side trying to get her to hold her tongue.

  Try to enlist another family member to whisper in their ears about how great your FL wedding is going to be.  Get enough people pushing positivity to the neigh-sayers, and they'll probably come around.

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• PirateBarbie member

  

  August 2013

  kss20 said:

  I also agree with Varuna.  When you look back in 10, 20, 70 years! will you be more disappointed that you didn't go for your dream location or that some of your family didn't come?

   

  That being said, my mother was against almost everything I wanted for my wedding.  I'm having a winter wedding and she hates the cold and fought me tooth and nail to move it to summer (which just wasn't possible for my fiancé and I).  Once I started rolling with signing contracts, though, she eventually chilled out and stopped arguing.  It helped that my dad was on my side trying to get her to hold her tongue.

  Try to enlist another family member to whisper in their ears about how great your FL wedding is going to be.  Get enough people pushing positivity to the neigh-sayers, and they'll probably come around.

  *dying* that's almost as good as "hammie-downs."

  
  

  OP - if you and your FI are paying for the wedding, then they only people you really need to please are yourselves. you can't please everyone - no matter what you do, someone will be dissatisfied. I also don't get the comment about Hurricane season - unless you're thinking of having the wedding late Nov - May, you'll have hurricane risks in FL, even moreso than NJ. It would also be ungodly hot for an outdoor event.

  
  

  
  

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  August 2013

  

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• tawillers member

  

  August 2013

  OMG, conn.  ded.

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• Oface4eva member

  

  August 2013

  All I get from this post is....Conn is awesome.
  

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• amorrison340 member

  

  August 2013

  I get what other posters are saying about choosing loved ones over a location, but essentially that seems like what they are doing to you, refusing you because of a location.  If it's important to you to have a beach wedding, then that's what you should do.  Did they give reasons for not wanting to go to a beach wedding?  Like - "I have a hard time using my walker on the beach" or something like that that maybe you can address and plan for?

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• luckyxxxstars

  

  August 2013

  No reason for not wanting it on the beach other than that she said she didn't like the idea.  She's a pretty active mid-80s woman as well as my aunt.  They are carbon copies of each other! She mentioned her church that she belongs to although it's just absolutely not mine nor my fiance's taste.  We didn't grow up with a large religious influence on us so getting married in a church would actually make me uncomfortable.  My fiance is not particularly keen on the idea either.  I think she could quite possibly still come but just nag and nag all before it.  Still not sure.  I was extremely surprised at at reaction to our wanting a beach wedding..

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• luckyxxxstars

  

  August 2013

  I definitely think that deflection thing will come in quite handy once we finally decide!! Thanks for that!

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• luckyxxxstars

  

  August 2013

  You are very right!

  
  

  I apologize I wasn't clear on the FL thing...we were thinking an early spring wedding in FL when hurricanes would be extremely rare (early April).  If we did a beach wedding in NJ we would be on a more difficult schedule.  We could have blazing summer heat, a potential hurrcane if done in the summer, and if done in spring/fall it may be very cold, windy, and rainy.  of course I do realize the elements will always be an issue wherever we decide esp if it's outside!!

  
  

  I think you make an excellent point of deciding which is more important.  Maybe I'm just so surprised by my grandmother's strong stance on where we wanted the wedding.  I was definitely not prepared for it.  

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• PirateBarbie member

  

  August 2013 edited August 2013

  luckyxxxstars said:

  
  

  I think you make an excellent point of deciding which is more important.  Maybe I'm just so surprised by my grandmother's strong stance on where we wanted the wedding.  I was definitely not prepared for it.  

  opinions are like buttholes - everyone has one, and most of them stink. 

  
  

  ETA: really, you'll never please everyone. do what makes you and your FI happy. 

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