Parents Not Really Involved. Normal?

Comipa · August 2013

I've only ever had my mom since my dad chose to be a deadbeat when I was an infant. I don't miss a father figure in my life. It's hard to miss what you never had. But because there is no 'dad' I've always relied on my mom for everything. When I got engaged and told her I got an " Ok. That's nice." sort of response. And it's not improved much since then. She lives 4 hours away and doesn't have a car. We drove out to visit her a few weekends ago and at some point she made the comment of "Well if I make, I make it. If I don't, I don't."

My fiance's mom was the most excited about the wedding, but she has since lost her fight against breast cancer. My fiance's dad has always been a pretty emotionally closed type of guy, it's just who he is. He's agreed to pay for our rehearsal dinner and photography because before his wife passed away she had said they would. So he's going to keep his word, which is awesome and we thank his for it every chance we get. But it feels like he sees it as an obligation, which makes me feel weird about it. He's pretty matter-of-fact about the wedding.

My sister is my MoH and is dealing with a lot of $ issues after losing her job so I can understand why she's not all there right now. She's apologized repeatedly for how unfair it all is to ME that so many bad things are happening to HER which is stressing her out so she can't be there for me like she wants to be. I'm not so upset with her because she's at least there enough for me to talk to.

I guess I'm just a little irked by the shear lack of emotion from my mom and his dad. Is it normal for parents to not really be involved or seem to care much?

[Deleted User] · August 2013

Unfortunately what is normal for me may not be normal for you. Normalcy for me is my family lives on the other side of the country and only see each other a few times a year. Normalcy for me is only seeing my FH for 2-3 days every other month.

So, yes. Based on everything else that's going on, it sound like that's normal.

Your FFIL just lost his wife. He's probably having a hard time dealing with that loss, has your FH taken time away to just be with his dad?

I'm sorry your mom doesn't seem excited for you, but maybe she's got her own issues she's dealing with.

Comipa · August 2013

I'm not really irked by my fiance's dad. Like I said, he's naturally an emotionally closed guy, ever since I met him, and based on stories, ever since birth.

It's my mom I'm really surprised by.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

Not everyone gets really excited about weddings. Is there some wedding-related thing your mom is excited about outside of weddings? Is she really into flowers, food, cake, etc.? It sounds like you want to plan with her (correct me if I'm wrong) and maybe asking her advice on something she's really into might be a way to get that started.

Gisellerina · August 2013

I think your fiance's dad is likely to still be grieving the loss of his wife. I imagine his life must be really hard right now. I don't think it's fair to expect him to be excited about your wedding right now.

As far as your mom, I'm not sure if that's a normal reaction. I would have to know more about your relationship with her, your fiance's relationship with her, her feelings on marriage in general, etc. to speculate on how normal her reaction is.

I don't think you should be upset with your sister at all. A job loss is really scary. Your wedding is the last thing she should be worried about.

itzMS · August 2013

DH & I both hadn't lived with our folks for over 7 years when we got married. We also don't do things with them (maybe once or twice a month, max, due to busy work schedules).

Needless to say, they were happy for us, but not ooh'ing and aah'ing over wedding details.

DH & I were really excited...and that's the important part, since we were marrying each other!

Simply Fated · August 2013

Weddings don't always excite people, even when it's their own kids. You also have to remember we're talking about a man who recently lost his wife and a woman with a deadbeat ex. These typically aren't the "OMG YAY WEDDING!" types of people.

You have your fiance to be excited with. And you have us to talk to, as well.

Bubbles2014 · August 2013

I think that the "maybe I'll make it, maybe I won't comment" is odd. My mum is staying well out of my wedding planning (we have opposite tastes) but wouldn't miss it for the world. So while it's normal to not be excited I don't think it's normal for a mother to be so flippant about their attendance.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

Well, I think your situation is extreme, but the bright side, at least you don't have a meddling mother. Seriously, read some of the crazy mom threads. I'm sure you'd like more excitement, but many people are neutral at weddings.

TiaTea · August 2013

Is it possible that it is has something to do with money?

For example, you know how in some circles people believe that the bride's family should pay for the wedding. And you mentioned that she doesn't have a car, so I don't know if it's a matter of choice, or a matter of finances.

But is it possible that she feels uncomfortable that she can not contribute to your wedding, can't help you with your dress, can't buy you things, and maybe even can't afford to come?

You said that your sister lost her job. What if your mother is facing hard dimes too?
Is it possible that she just pretends to be uninterested and distant ? Maybe it's easier to say "I wasn't that interested anyway" rather than " I can't afford to go to my daughters wedding".

Comipa · August 2013

I've never even approached my mom because I know she can't really help much financially. Her comment about making it or not hurt me more because she has ways of getting around. There's a bus that goes between our towns from which we could pick her up. But it felt like unless I or my sister (who is the only other one that has a car) was going to make the drive and spend $100 on gas that she wasn't even going to bother.

It stung you know? Like I wasn't worth the effort.

And I'm not asking for my sister to pitch in financially either. She wanted to do a really nice and kinda expensive bachelorette party. We were all really excited for it. But after she lost her job I told her I'd rather do a sleepover type thing, if anything at all.

None of my girls have had to spend much to be in our wedding since WE bought their dresses. So when it comes to my bridesmaids, yes, I wish they'd be a little more enthusiastic about things. The only person I talk to about anything these days is my fiance. So I can't even blame it on wedding info overload.

I'm not asking our people to be gooey. But it'd be nice to know if people were at least looking forward to it.

And all I'm asking you gals here is if the lack of enthusiasm is normal or not. I know the reasons our people have to be distracted. I don't need to be told my fiance's father is still mourning the loss of his wife. We all still are.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

The thing is, no one will ever be as excited about your wedding as you are. It's the center of your world right now; it's an event in other people's worlds.

TiaTea · August 2013

@Cimipa
"And all I'm asking you gals here is if the lack of enthusiasm is normal or not"

No, it's not normal.
But just because you said that you are surprised by your mom, I am giving her the benefit of the doubt by looking at possible reasons: money, sickness, afraid that you'll be out of her life ...
If there is a reason, and if you can figure it out, maybe she'll show the excitement that most mothers have for their doughtesr weddings.

Jen4948 · August 2013

I don't know that it's normal, but I would be surprised if my parents gave much of a damn about my wedding-especially my mother. We've just gotten rather distant from each other over the years, and she cares more about being a grandmother to my nieces and nephews and about her retirement than she does about being my mother. Actually, she's always given other things priority over anything I care about.

As for my father, he does care about me, but I don't know that he will care all that much about what I want, since he's a pushover where my mother is concerned-and just about anyone else. If he's made plans to be with me, if someone else comes along and wants something that conflicts, he has a flunking record when it comes to telling them "No, I'm committed to plans with Jen4948. We'll have to do this another time." He is just plain damn incapable of it.

Also, they live 1600 miles from me and I don't think they want to be involved much in a wedding that will have to be where I am (and my BF is) other than just traveling here and then playing POB when they get here. Which is fine. I would not trust them if they assumed more active roles.

kstan08 · August 2013

My mom was the same way. It's almost like she doesn't even want to talk wedding stuff with me. But...I think I've figured it out. Like you, my dad left leaving her to raise three kids--one being "special". She didn't get really excited and still doesn't. Se almost makes it seem like it's a hassle to buy a mob dress. Though if she wore something she already has I wouldn't mind.

So this is the deal. I'm my mother s baby. I'm her stability. My mom doesn't drive either so I often have to take her grocery shopping or to appointments. We live far away but not so far I can't see her at least once a week.

Another thing is I feel like my mom feels bad that she can't give me a wedding of my dreams. I'm paying for the wedding myself. I wouldn't expect her to help. She barely makes enough to support herself and I wouldn't dream of taking something from her. She mentioned to me that her dad took out a loan for her wedding back when she got married. I dunno...it was almost as though she was going to offer the same. Anyway, so it comes down to this: my moms not excited. Probably because she can't help like she'd want to and because she's "losing" her baby girl. Maybe it's the same kind of thing?

ksblumb · August 2013

When my husband and I were engaged last June, and chose in early October that we would have a January wedding. So it was petty much all-consuming wedding plans. My parents and siblings were over-the-moon happy and all wanted to with projects (even my brother and dad were DIYing in the evenings!). That being said, my family is super close. All three of us kids were living at home with my parents at the time, and my dad was battling cancer which also made us value each other and time together even more.

His family seemed pretty indifferent to the whole thing. We would tell them ideas or progress we were making and the would be negative or say that it seemed unnecessary and expensive. So we stopped including them, and then they got upset and said that they had no idea what was going on with the wedding and it was all our fault. (Note that his family is not lovey dovey. They do not hug. They do not say I love you. That's just how it is.) At first this really bothered me and I was upset that they didn't seem happy and excited for us and the wedding.

After a couple weeks of this drama we decided it pretty much boiled down to this:

This is our day. Our one and only wedding. We want it to be perfect and we want what we want. If you don't like who we invite, you don't have to come. Those who love us and want to support us will make the effort to be there. If you want to be involved, awesome. If not, don't complain about it. If you do complain, we don't care.

I honestly loved every second of planning our wedding. I had a blast doing it with my family and DH and it made me even closer with my family. I think too many brides let other people ruin the process for them. At the end of the day if you and your FI are happy with it, no one else matters or needs to participate.

Parents Not Really Involved. Normal?

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