sibling weddings

melbelleup · August 2013

Hi everyone,
My brother and I are getting married three weeks a part from each other, not my choice at all. I refuse to speak wedding with him because everything I tell him, they basically copy and then mimic me for getting upset over it. My wedding is before his though, so it would look like they are copying me. At first, we were both going to have our wedding at the same venue until I found out that they mistakenly read the books wrong and had my date booked already. but here's my issues...

1. We are inviting different people. I'm inviting the people I am close with where he is inviting everyone under the moon and believes we should invite the same people as it will be weird if some are invited to mine and not his. Like I'm not inviting his childhood friends though he thinks I should. He's not inviting mine... sooo why should I invite his? Yes, I was invited to ONE of his friend's wedding. I later found out it was because the person needed to pay for 200 people regardless if they show up or not. (gee, thanks) But, the main thing isn't about his friends as more of family and family friends. My parents belong to an antique car club and a dog club. I am closer with the dog club seeing how I actually show my dogs. I only know very little car people now and will only be inviting my dad's two closest friends from it. I'm still debating if I'll be inviting the one's kids, but at the same time, I wouldn't be inviting the other ones kids.. sooo.. that's not exactly fair. But the ones I would be inviting did invite me to theirs. My brother insists that we should match guests. Is it rude if we don't invite the same guests to the wedding? I keep thinking it's "my" day so it shouldn't matter.

2. Every time we talk wedding he decides he likes my plan and wants to copy them. For my oldest brother's wedding they used my parents antique cars, a family friend's and their own antique car in lieu of a limo. My plan was to use them as well, with fiance and I in the car that I drove when I turned 16 (1957 convertible chevy, which my dad bought on my birthday). Now all of the sudden, my brother wants to do the same thing. I don't want the weddings to be compared at all, which I'm sure they will be, but it sucks that he's taking all of my ideas as well. Frankly, at this point, all of my WP can just drive their own cars. I have expressed how I don't want our weddings to copycat as well as my brother and my sister-in-law telling them they really shouldn't do the cars since A. I'm doing them and B. their weddding party is 16 people including them. What do you think I should do? Am I being a little too bridezilla? Should I just suck it up and let him copy?

3. They're thinking about getting their cake from the same place as us. Once again, copying. Seriously, can't they get ANY of their own plans..... like I said above, I'm seriously tired of talking wedding plans with them (but we're both in each other's wedding). Every time we see each other or even through texts he'll ask me about wedding plans. I don't even know what to do anymore because pretty soon our weddings will be 100% the same. He even asked me what our first song, intro songs, etc. are going to be to see if he could use them. REALLY?!?!?!

My dad says I shouldn't worry about anything because in the end, it will look like they are copying us and they'll have to change things.

GlassButton · August 2013

1. You can invite who ever you wish. Your brother doesn't get to dictate who makes the cut and who doesn't.

2. Stick to your car idea. As you've said it means a lot to you and you'll have different guests.

3. Throw him off. If you really feel like he's copying you then give him wrong information.

ETA: I think you should discuss this issue with your brother. Express to him in a polite manner how you feel about the weddings and be prepared to listen. He might not feel like what he's doing is wrong (if he is 100% coping your ideas) so be prepared to understand him as well.

Jen4948 · August 2013

GlassButton said:

1. You can invite who ever you wish. Your brother doesn't get to dictate who makes the cut and who doesn't. 2. Stick to your car idea. As you've said it means a lot to you and you'll have different guests. 3. Throw him off. If you really feel like he's copying you then give him wrong information.

1 and 2.

For 3, stop sharing with your brother information about your plans. That may also mean not sharing it with your parents or anyone who will pass it on to him. But if he decides to copy you anyway, confronting him and demanding that he not do so will make you look like a bridezilla, because he can rightly claim that he and his FI have the same right to plan their wedding as they see fit as you and your FI have.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

1.) You don't have to match guests. You invite who you want, he invites who he wants.

2.) The best thing you can do is not tell them your plans from now on. Apply bean dip as necessary.

3.) They can get their cake from the same place as you can. You don't have a monopoly on vendors. But, again, the best thing you can do is not tell them your plans because "you want it to be a surprise!"

I can understand gritting your teeth about it, but in the end, you're better off letting it go.

melbelleup · August 2013

Jen4948 said:

GlassButton said:

1. You can invite who ever you wish. Your brother doesn't get to dictate who makes the cut and who doesn't. 2. Stick to your car idea. As you've said it means a lot to you and you'll have different guests. 3. Throw him off. If you really feel like he's copying you then give him wrong information.

1 and 2.

For 3, stop sharing with your brother information about your plans. That may also mean not sharing it with your parents or anyone who will pass it on to him. But if he decides to copy you anyway, confronting him and demanding that he not do so will make you look like a bridezilla, because he can rightly claim that he and his FI have the same right to plan their wedding as they see fit as you and your FI have.

I tried the not sharing thing, but then he did the "really you're not going to tell me" and then the "never mind don't talk to me then"

KeptInStitches · August 2013

That kind of immature behavior is on him, not on you.

melbelleup · August 2013

KeptInStitches said:

1.) You don't have to match guests. You invite who you want, he invites who he wants.

2.) The best thing you can do is not tell them your plans from now on. Apply bean dip as necessary.

3.) They can get their cake from the same place as you can. You don't have a monopoly on vendors. But, again, the best thing you can do is not tell them your plans because "you want it to be a surprise!"

I can understand gritting your teeth about it, but in the end, you're better off letting it go.

haha I hattttteeee surprises, but that is a good way for me to say it where he won't be so harsh when I won't tell him. Or maybe he still will be... whatever.

Jen4948 · August 2013

melbelleup said:

Jen4948 said:

GlassButton said:

1. You can invite who ever you wish. Your brother doesn't get to dictate who makes the cut and who doesn't. 2. Stick to your car idea. As you've said it means a lot to you and you'll have different guests. 3. Throw him off. If you really feel like he's copying you then give him wrong information.

1 and 2.

For 3, stop sharing with your brother information about your plans. That may also mean not sharing it with your parents or anyone who will pass it on to him. But if he decides to copy you anyway, confronting him and demanding that he not do so will make you look like a bridezilla, because he can rightly claim that he and his FI have the same right to plan their wedding as they see fit as you and your FI have.

I tried the not sharing thing, but then he did the "really you're not going to tell me" and then the "never mind don't talk to me then"

He's being passive-aggressive. Ignore him and continue not to share. Maybe that way he'll get the idea that it's not okay with you for him to copy you.

MayDay513 · August 2013

Hi everyone,
My brother and I are getting married three weeks a part from each other, not my choice at all. I refuse to speak wedding with him because everything I tell him, they basically copy and then mimic me for getting upset over it. My wedding is before his though, so it would look like they are copying me. At first, we were both going to have our wedding at the same venue until I found out that they mistakenly read the books wrong and had my date booked already. but here's my issues...

1. We are inviting different people. I'm inviting the people I am close with where he is inviting everyone under the moon and believes we should invite the same people as it will be weird if some are invited to mine and not his. Like I'm not inviting his childhood friends though he thinks I should. He's not inviting mine... sooo why should I invite his? Yes, I was invited to ONE of his friend's wedding. I later found out it was because the person needed to pay for 200 people regardless if they show up or not. (gee, thanks) But, the main thing isn't about his friends as more of family and family friends. My parents belong to an antique car club and a dog club. I am closer with the dog club seeing how I actually show my dogs. I only know very little car people now and will only be inviting my dad's two closest friends from it. I'm still debating if I'll be inviting the one's kids, but at the same time, I wouldn't be inviting the other ones kids.. sooo.. that's not exactly fair. But the ones I would be inviting did invite me to theirs. My brother insists that we should match guests. Is it rude if we don't invite the same guests to the wedding? I keep thinking it's "my" day so it shouldn't matter.

2. Every time we talk wedding he decides he likes my plan and wants to copy them. For my oldest brother's wedding they used my parents antique cars, a family friend's and their own antique car in lieu of a limo. My plan was to use them as well, with fiance and I in the car that I drove when I turned 16 (1957 convertible chevy, which my dad bought on my birthday). Now all of the sudden, my brother wants to do the same thing. I don't want the weddings to be compared at all, which I'm sure they will be, but it sucks that he's taking all of my ideas as well. Frankly, at this point, all of my WP can just drive their own cars. I have expressed how I don't want our weddings to copycat as well as my brother and my sister-in-law telling them they really shouldn't do the cars since A. I'm doing them and B. their weddding party is 16 people including them. What do you think I should do? Am I being a little too bridezilla? Should I just suck it up and let him copy?

3. They're thinking about getting their cake from the same place as us. Once again, copying. Seriously, can't they get ANY of their own plans..... like I said above, I'm seriously tired of talking wedding plans with them (but we're both in each other's wedding). Every time we see each other or even through texts he'll ask me about wedding plans. I don't even know what to do anymore because pretty soon our weddings will be 100% the same. He even asked me what our first song, intro songs, etc. are going to be to see if he could use them. REALLY?!?!?!

My dad says I shouldn't worry about anything because in the end, it will look like they are copying us and they'll have to change things.

Simply Fated · August 2013

You definitely don't need to have the same guest list. If your brother is concerned how it will look with his wedding so close to yours, then he can deal with it. It's not your problem.

Stop sharing info with him and even your parents. Honestly, give him fake answers if he won't stop bugging you. I think anything by Lady Gaga is a greeeaaat choice to enter your reception in to.
You can also send him links to sites that suggest wedding songs.

Don't worry about the bakery thing. Your cakes will be different enough and, honestly, if you got a good deal and the bakery is reputable, can you blame him?

WinstonsGirl · August 2013

Your guest list is yours and your FI's. Unless someone else is contributing to the wedding and should have a say in some guests as well, though it sound like not your brother. If someone invited you to their wedding, you don't have to invite them to yours.

Stop discussing your wedding with your brother. Ask anyone else who does know to not share the information with them. Bean dip your brother if he asks - "Oh, we're not sure yet what we're planning to do. Have you tried this bean dip, it's delicious". Or leave it as a surprise for your guests for the wedding, but don't share anymore with him, which it sounds like you're already doing.

Good luck with the rest of your planning

ETA - Wow, I read slow today

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

melbelleup said:

Hi everyone,
My brother and I are getting married three weeks a part from each other, not my choice at all. I refuse to speak wedding with him because everything I tell him, they basically copy and then mimic me for getting upset over it. My wedding is before his though, so it would look like they are copying me. At first, we were both going to have our wedding at the same venue until I found out that they mistakenly read the books wrong and had my date booked already. but here's my issues...

1. We are inviting different people. I'm inviting the people I am close with where he is inviting everyone under the moon and believes we should invite the same people as it will be weird if some are invited to mine and not his. Like I'm not inviting his childhood friends though he thinks I should. He's not inviting mine... sooo why should I invite his? Yes, I was invited to ONE of his friend's wedding. I later found out it was because the person needed to pay for 200 people regardless if they show up or not. (gee, thanks) But, the main thing isn't about his friends as more of family and family friends. My parents belong to an antique car club and a dog club. I am closer with the dog club seeing how I actually show my dogs. I only know very little car people now and will only be inviting my dad's two closest friends from it. I'm still debating if I'll be inviting the one's kids, but at the same time, I wouldn't be inviting the other ones kids.. sooo.. that's not exactly fair. But the ones I would be inviting did invite me to theirs. My brother insists that we should match guests. Is it rude if we don't invite the same guests to the wedding? No it's not rude. Invite whoever you want. I keep thinking it's "my" day so it shouldn't matter.

2. Every time we talk wedding he decides he likes my plan and wants to copy them. For my oldest brother's wedding they used my parents antique cars, a family friend's and their own antique car in lieu of a limo. My plan was to use them as well, with fiance and I in the car that I drove when I turned 16 (1957 convertible chevy, which my dad bought on my birthday). Now all of the sudden, my brother wants to do the same thing. I don't want the weddings to be compared at all, which I'm sure they will be, but it sucks that he's taking all of my ideas as well. Frankly, at this point, all of my WP can just drive their own cars. I have expressed how I don't want our weddings to copycat as well as my brother and my sister-in-law telling them they really shouldn't do the cars since A. I'm doing them and B. their weddding party is 16 people including them. What do you think I should do? That car sounds awesome. Do it! Am I being a little too bridezilla? No, you're brother is being an unoriginal PITA. Should I just suck it up and let him copy? Tell him you're getting a limo. Guaranteed he'll follow suit. Suckaaa

3. They're thinking about getting their cake from the same place as us. Once again, copying. Seriously, can't they get ANY of their own plans..... like I said above, I'm seriously tired of talking wedding plans with them (but we're both in each other's wedding). Every time we see each other or even through texts he'll ask me about wedding plans. I don't even know what to do anymore because pretty soon our weddings will be 100% the same. He even asked me what our first song, intro songs, etc. are going to be to see if he could use them. REALLY?!?!?! Do not share any information with him. Or if you do, tell him random stuff you're not using. Don't be surprised if he makes last minute changes though - his wedding is 3 weeks after yours. I'd stop worrying about it and enjoy yourself in your planning. Share nothing. Just from what you've said here, he's going to look like a jackass all by himself.

MayDay513 · August 2013

I don't think you are in the wrong. I can see the frustration. I know you put a lot of thought and effort into planning your wedding. I'm a little surprised his FI is actually ok with all this copying. Maybe she's lazy?

I know this isn't going to make you feel better. But what's the saying Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?

GlassButton · August 2013

@melbelleup

Just to clarify the third was a bit of a joke.

I really think you should discuss this with him. If not discuss it with his FI. Ask them if they're doing personal touches, what their colors are, etc. I'm sure you'll see how theirs is different once his FI describes it to you. Besides, I don't think anyone's FI's would be comfortable copying their SIL's wedding. Or maybe it's just me.

mblittle12 · August 2013

GlassButton said:

1. You can invite who ever you wish. Your brother doesn't get to dictate who makes the cut and who doesn't. 2. Stick to your car idea. As you've said it means a lot to you and you'll have different guests. 3. Throw him off. If you really feel like he's copying you then give him wrong information. ETA: I think you should discuss this issue with your brother. Express to him in a polite manner how you feel about the weddings and be prepared to listen. He might not feel like what he's doing is wrong (if he is 100% coping your ideas) so be prepared to understand him as well.

#3...I love it!! Haha, make up some crazy ideas and pass em along. He'll either copy it or think you're nuts and then stop asking maybe.

melbelleup · August 2013

GlassButton said:

@melbelleup Just to clarify the third was a bit of a joke. I really think you should discuss this with him. If not discuss it with his FI. Ask them if they're doing personal touches, what their colors are, etc. I'm sure you'll see how theirs is different once his FI describes it to you. Besides, I don't think anyone's FI's would be comfortable copying their SIL's wedding. Or maybe it's just me.

The song part was a joke, but not by much. I told him not to worry about it and there's no way we are picking the same songs. We are actually doing pretty similar colors. joy. we're both doing a light blue and then she's doing a coral and we're doing purple, but purple is our main color. I've already been forced by my mom to change my bridal shower date because my SIL's would be a week after when I wanted it. I live out of town, so a lot of it has to be planned in advanced around dates I already was coming up or I have off because of work. Also, just so you guys can see my brother's mind... He wanted my SIL to shop for wedding dresses with me. as in, he wanted her to go look for her dress at the same time. I invited her along, knowing she couldn't make it because of work, but also put my MOH on duty of making sure she didn't because my mom would be all for her trying on dresses with me. In fact, my brother got mad that I didn't invite her along to look at wedding dresses for our weddings. Then my dad had to point out to him that I did ask her and she declined due to work.

grumbledore · August 2013

GlassButton said:

1. You can invite who ever you wish. Your brother doesn't get to dictate who makes the cut and who doesn't. 2. Stick to your car idea. As you've said it means a lot to you and you'll have different guests. 3. Throw him off. If you really feel like he's copying you then give him wrong information. ETA: I think you should discuss this issue with your brother. Express to him in a polite manner how you feel about the weddings and be prepared to listen. He might not feel like what he's doing is wrong (if he is 100% coping your ideas) so be prepared to understand him as well.

Ack that's a little catty and underhanded. Maybe he just admires your good taste OP. I would really not stress about it. Invite who you want, have the wedding you want, and if they end up copying you entire wedding and anyone cares, they will look silly, not you. And probably no one will care anyway. Just have a good time.

melbelleup · August 2013

GlassButton said:

ETA: I think you should discuss this issue with your brother. Express to him in a polite manner how you feel about the weddings and be prepared to listen. He might not feel like what he's doing is wrong (if he is 100% coping your ideas) so be prepared to understand him as well.

I have told him, my parents have told him, my other brother and SIL have told him. He's intentionally doing it to me to make me upset... it's working.

GlassButton · August 2013

melbelleup said:

GlassButton said:

ETA: I think you should discuss this issue with your brother. Express to him in a polite manner how you feel about the weddings and be prepared to listen. He might not feel like what he's doing is wrong (if he is 100% coping your ideas) so be prepared to understand him as well.

I have told him, my parents have told him, my other brother and SIL have told him. He's intentionally doing it to me to make me upset... it's working.

Just like on the Internet you hit ignore on people that bug you, you can do the same in real life. Just ignore him at this point. It sounds like your SIL is sensible enough to save their wedding.

Jessa617 · August 2013

I've never read about a groom so involved with his and his sister's wedding.

Stop sharing information if you really feel like he is copying you. If he says he won't talk to you, then so be it. He doesn't get to decide who's on your guest list (unless he's paying for your wedding which I assume he is not). If he asks you can just say "I haven't completed my guest list yet". If you want a small intimate wedding, then that's what you shall have.

He can go to the same bakery as you, maybe they have the best price or the best tasting cake. There must be a reason that you chose them? Don't tell him what flavor your cake will be, and don't tell him what it's going to look like (colors, tiers, designs etc.)

What if the using the antique cars can be the start of a family tradition? Your older brother used them, you will be using them..why can't the other brother use them? That doesn't seem very fair.

Abbyjensen · August 2013

Really, if your wedding is first, it will look like HE is copying YOU and you won't look bad for it. And really, if the venues are different, I feel like the whole thing will be different.

I wouldn't worry about the car thing. You said your oldest brother did it as well, so really, you are copying him. If all three of you did, I would think, "Oh, cute, family tradition"

As far as the cake goes, as long as it isn't decorated the same, how would anyone know that it was from the same bakery?

Decide not to worry about it. If he is immature enough to intentionally do things to make you upset, your wedding will probably end up being better anyways.

allispain · August 2013

melbelleup said:

GlassButton said:

ETA: I think you should discuss this issue with your brother. Express to him in a polite manner how you feel about the weddings and be prepared to listen. He might not feel like what he's doing is wrong (if he is 100% coping your ideas) so be prepared to understand him as well.

I have told him, my parents have told him, my other brother and SIL have told him. He's intentionally doing it to me to make me upset... it's working.

So he's one of those siblings, is he? If you know he's doing it to upset you... ignore him. Anytime he starts up, tell him you're not playing that game anymore. Then walk away, hang up the phone, stop responding to texts, etc. Don't let him get to you. You should be enjoying your wedding planning, not worrying about your brother's next move in the weird game of wedding chess he's trying to play with you.

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