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Pre-wedding Parties

Bride's Second Wedding, Second Shower

My cousin is getting married for the second time in 3 years. When she was first married, she had a bridal shower. This will be the second wedding for her new husband as well. I feel that this is extremely tacky, given that this is the second wedding for both of them and the short time between the two marriages. I am almost offended that I'll be obligated to go.  Am I in incorrect in thinking this? 

Re: Bride's Second Wedding, Second Shower

  • My cousin is getting married for the second time in 3 years. When she was first married, she had a bridal shower. This will be the second wedding for her new husband as well. I feel that this is extremely tacky, given that this is the second wedding for both of them and the short time between the two marriages. I am almost offended that I'll be obligated to go.  Am I in incorrect in thinking this? 
    I think it is totally fine for her to have a second shower. I think it is totally fine. What would not be fine is if she was throwing the shower for herself. Other than that I see no issue. You are not obligated to go. You don't sound too happy for her.

    I was recently married, two bridal showers and couples shower. Our friends and family love us, and were happy for us.

    If you aren't happy, don't go.

    grumbledoreBlue_Bird
  • I think it is fair that they have a bridal shower. They are starting over with some one new. Why should they have to miss out on things because things didn't work out with someone else In this case if I were them I would most likely not ask for gifts because they most likely have it or have asked for it before.
    tabathafaye
  • I have a 17 year gap between marriages but if I had gotten married soon after my divorce, I would have needed or appreciated anything and everything. It was an abusive first marriage and I left with only a baby, a diaper bag and a backpack. It took a good 10 years to have more then the basics and most of those were second or third hand. None of my family knew how bad it was and most of them lived near me.
    I'm not saying this is the case for her but no one really knows what is truly going on in someone's life. They could actually need things, it could be a gift grab or someone wanted to throw them a shower and they accepted. I had a couple of people that couldn't make it to my shower and while I missed them, it was no big deal. If you don't want to go, say you're busy and you'll see them at the wedding if not before.
    Blue_Bird
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You're obligated to go? Why? I suggest you find some way to decline, as you don't seem to be in a celebratory frame of mind.
    grumbledoreBlue_BirdScarlettLadyy
  • Just because is her second wedding in 3 years, does not mean that she cannot have the whole shebang.  Nobody should be forced to do anything, and is it very clear that you don’t want to go.

    Be creative and invent something to miss it. Break a leg if you have to. But don’t go feeling like that.

    Dreamergirl8812Blue_Birdtabathafaye
  • I think showers for anything but the first marriage (or first baby, etc) are tacky and gift-grabby.

    Personally, I wouldn't attend, and you shouldn't feel like you have to either.

    photokittylizybeffMrsDeRuyter87
  • itzMS said:

    I think showers for anything but the first marriage (or first baby, etc) are tacky and gift-grabby.

    Personally, I wouldn't attend, and you shouldn't feel like you have to either.

    How can it be gift grabby unless the bride/couple throws it for herself'themselves?  If someone offers out of love, and people attend out of love and support, it is in no way gift grabby OR tacky.  FFS.

    My daughter is 9 - if I have another in a couple of years (which I hope to), will the inevitable baby shower be tacky?  Do you think I have a storage closet full of baby supplies I've held onto for a decade just in case?  

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    Blue_Birdcasey8784tabathafaye
  • itzMS said:

    I think showers for anything but the first marriage (or first baby, etc) are tacky and gift-grabby.

    Personally, I wouldn't attend, and you shouldn't feel like you have to either.

    How can it be gift grabby unless the bride/couple throws it for herself'themselves?  If someone offers out of love, and people attend out of love and support, it is in no way gift grabby OR tacky.  FFS.

    My daughter is 9 - if I have another in a couple of years (which I hope to), will the inevitable baby shower be tacky?  Do you think I have a storage closet full of baby supplies I've held onto for a decade just in case?  

    Yes, that is my opinion.

    You can have a shower. It's called your own paycheck and a trip to the store.

    Just because you chose to have a 9+ year gap between children doesn't entitle you to a second shower. Same goes with a second/third/fourth/etc time around marriage.

    Here's a an *imaginary rainbow* so your feelings aren't hurt.

    lizybeffphotokitty
  • No. I wouldn't attend a second shower. 


    lizybeff
  • Second showers wouldn't always offend me, but in the case you described I'd probably decline unless there were extenuating circumstances of some sort.
    lizybeff
  • itzMS said:
    itzMS said:

    I think showers for anything but the first marriage (or first baby, etc) are tacky and gift-grabby.

    Personally, I wouldn't attend, and you shouldn't feel like you have to either.

    How can it be gift grabby unless the bride/couple throws it for herself'themselves?  If someone offers out of love, and people attend out of love and support, it is in no way gift grabby OR tacky.  FFS.

    My daughter is 9 - if I have another in a couple of years (which I hope to), will the inevitable baby shower be tacky?  Do you think I have a storage closet full of baby supplies I've held onto for a decade just in case?  

    Yes, that is my opinion.

    You can have a shower. It's called your own paycheck and a trip to the store.

    Just because you chose to have a 9+ year gap between children doesn't entitle you to a second shower. Same goes with a second/third/fourth/etc time around marriage.

    Here's a an *imaginary rainbow* so your feelings aren't hurt.

    Lol I don't know where you got the idea what I was offended by anything you posted.  I just think it's silly to consider something "gift grabby" when the couple isn't responsible for planning it.  It's kind of unfair to attribute greediness to them when someone else had the idea to do it for them.

    I don't have an issue with baby showers for second (etc) babies if they are reasonably far apart.  Or frankly even if they aren't far apart - who doesn't like giving baby gifts?  Everyone is always free to decline invitations.  I also have no issue with a shower for a second (or third, or fourth, or whatever) wedding - once again, anyone who isn't interested is free to decline.

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    bullfrogmama
  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird Bawlmer member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    edited August 2013
    I don't think it's tacky at all, and far from offensive. Unless they're throwing it themselves, I see nothing wrong. Their friends and family want to celebrate their new happiness and give them something to make new memories with. You are NOT obligated to go.
    klbrengleScarlettLadyy
  • I'm not really sure how I feel about the second wedding shower in 3 years... but truthfully, if it bothers you- don't go.

    As for the baby showers, I'm shocked by the bitterness towards them. Every new life deserves to be celebrated and no matter how much of a gap between children, every expecting couple needs at least diapers. Good Lord. 
    Blue_BirdklbrengleMrsDeRuyter87
  • I think it's a little over-the-top for you to feel offended about this. However, I personally don't think it's appropriate to have second bridal showers. While every couple deserves to be celebrated, the whole point of a bridal shower is to supply the bride with things she needs to start a life away from home. (Bridal showers origin from brides not having a dowry, or something like that, so their friends would pull together to make sure they had something...I think.) Second-time brides can celebrate their marriages when they happen and respectfully decline showers beforehand. 

    I feel the same way about baby showers. Of course each life deserves to be celebrated! But there are other ways to celebrate than to spend an afternoon playing "guess how much toilet paper fits around the mommy's belly" and buying new boppies. The whole point is to help give parents a start, not help supply each of their children with pacifiers, outfits, and diapers. 

    OP, you're not at all obligated to go. If you're bothered by what she's doing, respectfully decline. 

    And just a disclaimer, I have nothing against second time brides or mommies who have wedding or baby showers. It just doesn't sit well with me. 
    image
    lizybeff
  • The couple can decline the shower as well - hence the gift grabbiness.

    Eh, it sounds to me like a bunch of holier-than-thous have their panties in a wad about this.  Don't like it?  Don't go.  Easy enough.  If someone wanted to throw me a party because they love me, I'd sure as hell respect them enough to accept it (unless they were doing anything offensive themselves, which in this case it does not sound like they are).

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    [Deleted User]
  • I think I'm offended because like I said, I went through this whole thing before 3 years ago. I guess I kind of feel like watching her be "the happiest I've ever been in my life" and go do everything I saw her do a short time ago doesn't feel so genuine. I haven't seen her since her last wedding. I'm sure she's happy and its not my business how fast someone gets re-married. The fact that she registered again annoys me. It does feel grabby and I can't help but feel like she's fickle.
    photokittylizybeffMrsDeRuyter87
  • I think I'm offended because like I said, I went through this whole thing before 3 years ago. I guess I kind of feel like watching her be "the happiest I've ever been in my life" and go do everything I saw her do a short time ago doesn't feel so genuine. I haven't seen her since her last wedding. I'm sure she's happy and its not my business how fast someone gets re-married. The fact that she registered again annoys me. It does feel grabby and I can't help but feel like she's fickle.
    The bolded part. I can see where you are coming from. I understand, I think for me it would be a distance thing, like we haven't hung out but here I am buying you more stuff... not cool. In your case, I would decline the shower, be happy for her.

    I also agree with the second bolded part.

    However, who knows what if her divorce from her previous husband left her with nothing? Like what if he did take everything? Is it possible she registered because someone is throwing her a shower?

  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird Bawlmer member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    huynhette said:
    I think I'm offended because like I said, I went through this whole thing before 3 years ago. I guess I kind of feel like watching her be "the happiest I've ever been in my life" and go do everything I saw her do a short time ago doesn't feel so genuine. I haven't seen her since her last wedding. I'm sure she's happy and its not my business how fast someone gets re-married. The fact that she registered again annoys me. It does feel grabby and I can't help but feel like she's fickle.
    The bolded part. I can see where you are coming from. I understand, I think for me it would be a distance thing, like we haven't hung out but here I am buying you more stuff... not cool. In your case, I would decline the shower, be happy for her.

    I also agree with the second bolded part.

    However, who knows what if her divorce from her previous husband left her with nothing? Like what if he did take everything? Is it possible she registered because someone is throwing her a shower?
    Maybe this is just me, but if I haven't seen you in three years, I'm not going to invite you to my wedding either.
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I had a 5 year gap between my divorce and second wedding - and did NOT register or have any showers. My sisters threw my a luncheon that was attended my my sisters, his sisters, our moms and his grandma. I was thrilled they wanted to celebrate me in a small family gathering. I turned down all other suggestions of showers. My friends bought me gifts the first time and I felt I was being gift-grabby if I had showers this time around. In fact, I still have most of the original items I received.

    That's mine opinion and who I applied it to my own real life situation. So I'd say don't go.

    As far as baby showers - you get one. Every life is to be celebrated, that's why I pick out something after the baby is born and send it to the new parents. They don't choose or ask for the gift, I give it freely. And I would be shocked if someone registered for a second, third, whatever birth.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • I think second showers have a time and a place.  If I were a second time bride I probably wouldn't ask to invite duplicate guests to the second shower outside of some of the obligatory family members like MOB.  If it is as one PP suggested and her divorce left her with little to nothing and she was shopping at thrift stores for the basics I wouldn't have a problem chipping in.  If she still had everything from the first time around and was fishing for handouts I might side-eye.  Honestly if I wasn't close enough to the bride to know her situation I probably wouldn't feel close enough to her to go to the shower.

    I don't have a problem with baby showers between long gaps, but I know some people side-eye them.  Personally I just love shopping for/making baby stuff.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
    image
  • I don't hate on people who have 2nd showers, baby or bridal, but I don't feel comfortable  going through all the shower activities so I don't go!  If you've already had one, with all the silly/fun games, I think you're done...that's just my opinion.  I will happily send you a gift to celebrate each occasion but i don't see the need to have a full blown shower each time.
  • I don't think I would go, considering the weddings are pretty close together (only 3yrs?!). If they were a few years apart I might consider it. I wouldn't attend any showers if it was a 3rd, 4th, 5th wedding though.
  • I guess I would be wondering what happened to all the gifts from the first shower.  Did she destroy all of those items?  Is she registering for the same types of things?  I would be wondering why she would need more margarita glasses, for example, if I just bought her some three years ago. 


  • I have my shower coming up in a few weeks, but for me its a second marriage, for my FH it's his first marriage.  I didn't do any of the pre-wedding parties.  Should I have declined the shower? I don't feel like I needed to. To me, if people want to come to my shower, they are welcome to, if they don't want to, well that's up to them.  You shouldn't go to the shower though if you don't want to, a resentful person is the last one you would want at your own shower, so why do that to someone else? Just food for thought.
    [Deleted User]ScarlettLadyy
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