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Etiquette

Rehearsal Dinner Confusion

Hey there everyone!

I need some advise about my rehearsal dinner. My wedding isn't until May of 2014, so it's a long way off. My FMIL is super excited about planning the rehearsal dinner, which is totally awesome and I'm really excited that she's excited! Thing is, she's dead set on planning the dinner for a week in advance from our wedding, no matter when we actually hold the rehearsal. The thing with our rehearsal is that it will be based on when our venue has availability for us to come and use the space, which I've explained to my FMIlL, but she's really set on a particular date for the dinner. Should any of this concern me? I mean, really, it's just dinner, no big deal, and it's cool that she's planning this far out, but I think it would be silly to plan a dinner on a Saturday and we're not able to have the rehearsal until say Tuesday - then you have to feed people twice lol Am I alone in thinking this? Am I just being weird/paranoid/bridezilla? 

Lol can someone give me some advise and maybe a reality check???

Re: Rehearsal Dinner Confusion

  • Stepht08 said:

    Hey there everyone!

    I need some advise about my rehearsal dinner. My wedding isn't until May of 2014, so it's a long way off. My FMIL is super excited about planning the rehearsal dinner, which is totally awesome and I'm really excited that she's excited! Thing is, she's dead set on planning the dinner for a week in advance from our wedding, no matter when we actually hold the rehearsal. The thing with our rehearsal is that it will be based on when our venue has availability for us to come and use the space, which I've explained to my FMIlL, but she's really set on a particular date for the dinner. Should any of this concern me? I mean, really, it's just dinner, no big deal, and it's cool that she's planning this far out, but I think it would be silly to plan a dinner on a Saturday and we're not able to have the rehearsal until say Tuesday - then you have to feed people twice lol Am I alone in thinking this? Am I just being weird/paranoid/bridezilla? 

    Lol can someone give me some advise and maybe a reality check???

    Since you haven't set the date, don't sweat it yet. In the case that you set your wedding date before this magically date that she's picked then you guys can talk. You can also always decline the dinner but not to worry about it right now. You can be thoughtful and try for a date near or after what her date is but it's totally not necessary.

    I think ultimately, cross that bridge when you get closer.

    Congrats on your engagement. Welcome!

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If it turns out that the date she picked doesn't work for you, let her have the dinner but don't call it a "rehearsal dinner."  She can call it something else.  The actual rehearsal dinner can be very simple as long as it follows the rehearsal.
    Blue_BirdSKPM
  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    That is so strange of her. You have to have the RD after the rehearsal. Otherwise it's just dinner. And out of towners may not make it the weekend before your wedding but may make the actual rehearsal. So you need to feed them.



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    Blue_BirdPrettyGirlLostSTARMOON44
  • Yup, my thoughts exactly. Guess we'll have to wait and see what actually happens. I can only schedule the rehearsal for when I can schedule the rehearsal and that's that's right?

    Lol push comes to shove we'll just feed people twice and I'll casually put it on my fiance's credit card
    Blue_Bird
  • Stepht08 said:
    Yup, my thoughts exactly. Guess we'll have to wait and see what actually happens. I can only schedule the rehearsal for when I can schedule the rehearsal and that's that's right?

    Lol push comes to shove we'll just feed people twice and I'll casually put it on my fiance's credit card
    It sounds like you are pretty early in the game (I got engaged July 2012 and married May 2013), maybe you could budget it in and if all things work out you'll just have a buffer. :)

  • That is so strange of her. You have to have the RD after the rehearsal. Otherwise it's just dinner. And out of towners may not make it the weekend before your wedding but may make the actual rehearsal. So you need to feed them.

    Since it is so far out, don't worry, she will probably figure out what rehearsal dinners actually mean. :) Or you will have a dinner the weekend before.
    On another side note, if your venue is not available the day before, try not to have your rehearsal on a super early day like Thursday. If your wp is OOT, it would be asking a lot to take off a whole week for your wedding; i would never take time off for it. Heck I think making RDs on Thursday for a sat wedding is rude. Rehearsals can be anywhere, a park, a restaurant, the hotels extra banquet room. Or they can be skipped all together if there isn't overly complicated aspects to your ceremony.

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  • Thanks guys! Some good ideas and advise! Glad I'm not the only one who thought it was a tad strange lol 

    MayDay513KeptInStitches
  • The point of a rehearsal dinner is to host your wedding party/the people that came to rehearse your wedding ceremony.  I am completely confused as to why she would be scheduling this when you have not yet set a date for the wedding.
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    PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • Agreed with above, I would just make it more about how wonderful what she's planning will be and that you want all your wedding party to be there and feel bad asking them to spend so much on travel (or something).  Had similar situation, and this seemed to work the best.
  • The point of a rehearsal dinner is to host your wedding party/the people that came to rehearse your wedding ceremony.  I am completely confused as to why she would be scheduling this when you have not yet set a date for the wedding.

    I read the op as they have a wedding date set, but not a date set for the rehearsal. Like my venue said they couldn't confirm the Friday before for ours until like a month out because they were hoping they could book a Friday wedding.

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    jendemeyer
  • Xstatic3333Xstatic3333 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited August 2013
    Here's how I'd phrase it if the dates don't line up:

    "FMIL, sadly our venue can't have a rehearsal on your date! We will have a get together after the rehearsal itself to thank our WP, but if you would prefer to host another dinner on Date, we would still be very grateful."

    You should have plenty of time to find an RD spot in your budget if you need to.

    ETA of course have FI say all that.
  • It seems like your FMIL just wants to host her own wedding related event - without regard for the purpose. Does she understand that a RD is to host people who spent time rehearsing with you? I think she has lost sight of the reason and just wants to throw a party. I'd probably decline her offer unless she wants to do it on a day that actually makes sense.
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    PrettyGirlLostsouthernredandwhite85jendemeyer
  • It seems like your FMIL just wants to host her own wedding related event - without regard for the purpose. Does she understand that a RD is to host people who spent time rehearsing with you? I think she has lost sight of the reason and just wants to throw a party. I'd probably decline her offer unless she wants to do it on a day that actually makes sense.
    Totally agree with you, southern. I'd have your fiance decline her offer to host a dinner a week beforehand. If you'd like, you can cite the fact that you'd like to use the rehearsal dinner as a way of thanking everyone for taking time to rehearse, since she will likely ask why - but only offer the explanation if she asks to avoid coming off as passive aggressive (not saying that you are, of course). 

    Very odd that she'd want it a week beforehand!

    Good luck.

    southernbelle0915
  • lwoehlk said:
    The point of a rehearsal dinner is to host your wedding party/the people that came to rehearse your wedding ceremony.  I am completely confused as to why she would be scheduling this when you have not yet set a date for the wedding.
    I read the op as they have a wedding date set, but not a date set for the rehearsal. Like my venue said they couldn't confirm the Friday before for ours until like a month out because they were hoping they could book a Friday wedding.
    That's what I thought, and my venue told me the same thing. But I really wanted the Friday before ours so I said, we'll rehearse anywhere, the lobby, a spare room, the gym, whatever, so just give me some space somewhere, confirmed, that night, and they said okay.
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  • 32daisies said:
    lwoehlk said:
    The point of a rehearsal dinner is to host your wedding party/the people that came to rehearse your wedding ceremony.  I am completely confused as to why she would be scheduling this when you have not yet set a date for the wedding.
    I read the op as they have a wedding date set, but not a date set for the rehearsal. Like my venue said they couldn't confirm the Friday before for ours until like a month out because they were hoping they could book a Friday wedding.
    That's what I thought, and my venue told me the same thing. But I really wanted the Friday before ours so I said, we'll rehearse anywhere, the lobby, a spare room, the gym, whatever, so just give me some space somewhere, confirmed, that night, and they said okay.
    We also did our rehearsal not in the actual ceremony space - we used a room at our hotel that we had been given for use as a breakfast / gathering room. That way, we could have the rehearsal the day before the wedding (when BP members would actually be in town) as opposed to two days before (a Thursday) when they wouldn't. Perhaps doing something like this would be a good option for you? That way, you can tell your FMIL the specific date for the rehearsal now as opposed to right beforehand.
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  • 32daisies said:


    lwoehlk said:

    The point of a rehearsal dinner is to host your wedding party/the people that came to rehearse your wedding ceremony.  I am completely confused as to why she would be scheduling this when you have not yet set a date for the wedding.

    I read the op as they have a wedding date set, but not a date set for the rehearsal. Like my venue said they couldn't confirm the Friday before for ours until like a month out because they were hoping they could book a Friday wedding.

    That's what I thought, and my venue told me the same thing. But I really wanted the Friday before ours so I said, we'll rehearse anywhere, the lobby, a spare room, the gym, whatever, so just give me some space somewhere, confirmed, that night, and they said okay.


    Yep our backup plan would have been to rent the small conference space in the hotel we were staying at (wedding was at a golf course).

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  • It seems like your FMIL just wants to host her own wedding related event - without regard for the purpose. Does she understand that a RD is to host people who spent time rehearsing with you? I think she has lost sight of the reason and just wants to throw a party. I'd probably decline her offer unless she wants to do it on a day that actually makes sense.
    But what's so wrong about the FMIL wanting to host a wedding related event? Even if it isn't the technical RD, why can't she just host a "Thank You Dinner" for the WP and immediate family? I doubt that the WP will mind receiving two free meals in that week. And if they don't have the time, they can easily decline the FMIL's party.

    OP - FMIL sounds a big overeager, but I think it's sweet she's so excited to do this for you. I would explain to her that your unsure of whether or not the night she wants the RD will actually be the night of the Rehearsal, and if it isn't - would she still want to host the party? If she understands that this party might not be the RD, maybe she'll change her tune and be a little more flexible with you. If not, so be it.
  • Why is she so concerned about a certain date? The RD is called that for a reason it's the dinner after the wedding rehearsal.  And it's YOUR wedding not hers.  
    I have an excited FMIL in my life too and it has been a job making concessions and working with her regarding certain aspects of the wedding planning.  It's sweet and nice but it's also stressful.  Just have your fiance talk to his mom and find out what the significance of the date she has picked.  You guys need to find a way to have her understand that a RD is meant for the day of the rehearsal and if she wants to host a dinner party for you then by all means let her.  Then you can perhaps work with her on the rehearsal dinner and make it something fun and casual that will make everyone happy.  But by all means let your fiance do the talking to his parents and you do the talking to yours I got this advice from one of my very best friends who has been married for over 20 years so I trust her! 
    And congratulations!!! Make the most of your time planning and try to enjoy it as much as possible :) 

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