.

Chris&StephH · August 2013

AddieCake · August 2013

Are they still friends regularly? Why does he want her there? If they are friends regularly and you haven't made an issue of it, there's no reason to make an issue of it for the wedding.

allispain · August 2013

Did he and this ex become friends after the break-up? Is he inviting her just because she's close to a lot of mutual friends from back in the day? I'm assuming they're still in contact, since he told her that the two of you had gotten engaged.

I know from my perspective, there are certain people from DH's past that I would have been very uncomfortable inviting to our wedding - his ex-friend/co-worker who tried to kiss him one night after he and I had already been together for close to a year, for example. However, an ex who is now a friend, I think, would be a different scenario.

OP, can I ask why you're worried she would create drama at the wedding? Is this just a general fear or does she have some sort of history of doing this?

TerriHugg · August 2013

Other than your personal feelings and his friendship with her, you might also want to consider how your guests would feel if his ex was invited. Some guests might feel uncomfortable with it if they knew there was a prior romantic history. For example, some guests may know she is the ex and won't know the proper way to interact with her to be sure not to offend you. Sometimes exes can make other people besides the marrying couple feel uncomfortable.

But if you are comfortable with it and you don't think the guests would feel uncomfortable you might not have a problem.

Chris&StephH · August 2013

NYCBruin · August 2013

I'm still not clear on whether your FI is still friends with her or not. She is friends with his friends, but is HE friends with her. Just because they're part of the same "group" and are friendly doesn't mean that they are friends. You said you haven't met her. Have you met his other friends who she is friends with?

I can't really form an answer until I have a bit more information.

ElcaB · August 2013

NYCBruin said:

I'm still not clear on whether your FI is still friends with her or not. She is friends with his friends, but is HE friends with her. Just because they're part of the same "group" and are friendly doesn't mean that they are friends. You said you haven't met her. Have you met his other friends who she is friends with?

I can't really form an answer until I have a bit more information.

Well articulated, NYC!

Chris&StephH · August 2013

NYCBruin · August 2013

Why the DD?

I was going to write out thoughtful advice, but now I won't.

harper0813 · August 2013

Ask him why he wants to invite her. If he wants to invite her because everyone else wants him to, I find that odd and middle-school-like - he needs to grow out of caving in to peer pressure. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable. Ask him what she is to him more: an ex or a friend.

What worries me is your focus on the day being all about you. Don't worry, you'll still get PLENTY of attention. She's not wearing the wedding dress. If she comes and creates drama, you'll likely not be aware of it, and she'll look like the fool - not you.

But again, unless he and his ex are friends, I don't find it necessary or appropriate to invite her. If you are portraying her correctly, she sounds like a Regina George. And she doesn't know how to leave a dude alone.

I have an ex that is very interested in being friends with FI and me. VERY. And I know he was hoping for an invitation to the wedding. But he's more of an ex than a friend. There's something about exes that makes you question whether you still perceive them platonically and once in a while I catch myself being overly friendly or tolerant of an ex's bad behavior so I can come off as cool, collected and over him. I tend to overcompensate. And the same has been done to me.

Anyway, hope that helps.

RedJacks25 · August 2013

I don't understand why OP deleted all of her questions and replies. This actually seemed like a good conversation and something others would benefit from. Bummer.

Jessa617 · August 2013

Honestly, it shouldn't matter if the other guests "expect" her to come her or not. They can invite her to their own weddings. If your FI is not really that close friends with her, there is no reason to invite her.

I wouldn't dare let my H invite one of his exes just because she's friends with other people that attended our wedding. If they want to hang out with her, they can do it on their own time.

Jessa617 · August 2013

What is with all the DDs lately??

Chris&StephH · August 2013

I just don't want to come off as a bad or jealous person. I just don't feel comfortable with the situation but my fiance won't understand that. He is a very good guy though so I don't want to portray him as jerk either. She is married with a baby now but that doesn't really mean anything. And I don't at all think she'd come on to him. I just think that she doesn't know her boundaries and loves attention. She created a lot of drama when the two of them were dating off and on. I'm trying to be okay with having her there but I keep feeling like I won't feel totally comfortable and happy at my own wedding if she's there and I know I'll end up thinking about their colorful past. I just don't want either of us to be reminded of the past on a day when we are beginning on a new chapter of life together. I deleted the topic because I am embarrassed about the whole situation. I just don't know what to do about it. I don't know if its just my anxiety or if its a gut feeling, but something will just not let me be fully ok with it even though I would like to be just to make him happy.

Jessa617 · August 2013

Chris&StephH said:

I just don't want to come off as a bad or jealous person. I just don't feel comfortable with the situation but my fiance won't understand that. He is a very good guy though so I don't want to portray him as jerk either. She is married with a baby now but that doesn't really mean anything. And I don't at all think she'd come on to him. I just think that she doesn't know her boundaries and loves attention. She created a lot of drama when the two of them were dating off and on. I'm trying to be okay with having her there but I keep feeling like I won't feel totally comfortable and happy at my own wedding if she's there and I know I'll end up thinking about their colorful past. I just don't want either of us to be reminded of the past on a day when we are beginning on a new chapter of life together. I deleted the topic because I am embarrassed about the whole situation. I just don't know what to do about it. I don't know if its just my anxiety or if its a gut feeling, but something will just not let me be fully ok with it even though I would like to be just to make him happy.

You don't have anything to be embarrassed about. This happens more often than you know. You can explain to your FI that based on budget etc, you don't know if you'll have room for her. Find out how important it is for him to have her there. If it's only to appease your other guests, then don't invite her. There's no reason to.

NYCBruin · August 2013

Jessa617 said:

Chris&StephH said:

I just don't want to come off as a bad or jealous person. I just don't feel comfortable with the situation but my fiance won't understand that. He is a very good guy though so I don't want to portray him as jerk either. She is married with a baby now but that doesn't really mean anything. And I don't at all think she'd come on to him. I just think that she doesn't know her boundaries and loves attention. She created a lot of drama when the two of them were dating off and on. I'm trying to be okay with having her there but I keep feeling like I won't feel totally comfortable and happy at my own wedding if she's there and I know I'll end up thinking about their colorful past. I just don't want either of us to be reminded of the past on a day when we are beginning on a new chapter of life together. I deleted the topic because I am embarrassed about the whole situation. I just don't know what to do about it. I don't know if its just my anxiety or if its a gut feeling, but something will just not let me be fully ok with it even though I would like to be just to make him happy.

You don't have anything to be embarrassed about. This happens more often than you know. You can explain to your FI that based on budget etc, you don't know if you'll have room for her. Find out how important it is for him to have her there. If it's only to appease your other guests, then don't invite her. There's no reason to.

I agree with all of this. Ask your FI why he wants her there. Your guests don't get to dictate your guest list. Weddings are an incredibly intimate day, you should chose to invite those that are closest to you, not those that you have a sense of obligation of including.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

Jessa617 said:

Chris&StephH said:

I just don't want to come off as a bad or jealous person. I just don't feel comfortable with the situation but my fiance won't understand that. He is a very good guy though so I don't want to portray him as jerk either. She is married with a baby now but that doesn't really mean anything. And I don't at all think she'd come on to him. I just think that she doesn't know her boundaries and loves attention. She created a lot of drama when the two of them were dating off and on. I'm trying to be okay with having her there but I keep feeling like I won't feel totally comfortable and happy at my own wedding if she's there and I know I'll end up thinking about their colorful past. I just don't want either of us to be reminded of the past on a day when we are beginning on a new chapter of life together. I deleted the topic because I am embarrassed about the whole situation. I just don't know what to do about it. I don't know if its just my anxiety or if its a gut feeling, but something will just not let me be fully ok with it even though I would like to be just to make him happy.

You don't have anything to be embarrassed about. This happens more often than you know. You can explain to your FI that based on budget etc, you don't know if you'll have room for her. Find out how important it is for him to have her there. If it's only to appease your other guests, then don't invite her. There's no reason to.

Yes, especially since she is married that will mean 2 additional guests at your wedding.

I agree that if she and your FI are not really friends and the only reason he wants her to be there is because part of her social circle will be there, that is not cause enough to invite her to the wedding. Especially if her presence is going to make you uncomfortable. As others have said, if her friends want to see her they can arrange a social gathering or invite her to their weddings.

Chris&StephH · August 2013

All of this, I have explained to him. He still wants her there. He says it is because she is friends with everyone and that "she helped him out during a rough part of his life". Which, technically she caused a lot of.

NYCBruin · August 2013

Chris&StephH said:

All of this, I have explained to him. He still wants her there. He says it is because she is friends with everyone and that "she helped him out during a rough part of his life". Which, technically she caused a lot of.

The bolded: no offense to your FI but that's no reason (or at least a really stupid one) to invite someone to a wedding.

I would just reiterate that you're uncomfortable having her at the wedding. If he cares more about what his friends think if she won't be invited than your feelings, well then there are much bigger things for you to be worried about.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

Who is paying for the wedding? If you and FI are, this is going to be a tough one to work out, but if your parents are paying. . . well, they get the final say ;-)

Dreamergirl8812 · August 2013

My friend is inviting her ex to her wedding.

But don't worry, she's not inviting his girlfriend (sarcasm).

erinlin25 · August 2013

I was not technically an "ex" per say but casually dated my best friends brother throughout high school and college. He was always just my go to date for dances and whatnot. People always joked that if both us were not married by our 30s we should just get married, lol. We literally were always just friends and when he got married I was invited to the wedding. I went and I had blast--primarily because I was a close family friend and friends with majority of the guests. I would have understood if I was not invited but at the same time would have been a little hurt for feeling left out. But his wife knew me and knew we were just friends and had no issue with it. Anyway, point is, if there is no reason to be jealous of her (she is married herself and now you will be married too) then just invite her. End of the day, YOU get to marry her ex.

[Deleted User] · August 2013

Honestly, it sounds like he REALLY wants her there and your only reason for not wanting her there is that you don't like the fact that they used to date.

Viczaesar · August 2013

Nobody C&Ped the OP?

MayDay513 · August 2013

Viczaesar said:

Nobody C&Ped the OP?

Sorry I was out for the day at a wedding

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