Families are very different!

forensicgirla · August 2013

My family is from the Midwest, where dollar dances are popular. My family sees it as a way to visit (semi-privately) and have fun, as well as help the couple out starting off the marriage with a little extra money. Typical for my family maybe raises between $150-500 a wedding.

My fiancé's family is from the east coast, where dollar dances are seen as distasteful and greedy.

I've been to weddings with and without dollar dances, and as long as they didn't last too long, I've never felt like they were distasteful or rude. On other boards, I know that etiquette states not to do them...but my parents and other family really want one, as that is something they like to do.

If I have one, I'm afraid of looking greedy and rude to my fiancé's family, but if I don't have one, my family will be upset that I wouldn't want to dance with EVERYONE and would see it as being antisocial/rude.

Maggie0829 · August 2013

You can still dance with everyone without them having to spend money. During the reception you can have the DJ announce that at this time the bride and groom welcome all guests who wish to have a moment with the couple to come out for a dance. No money needs to change hands so that you do not come off rude to your FI's family and your family won't think you are being anti-social.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

I would make a point of visiting with everyone and dancing with as many people as possible. You can do that without having a dollar dance.

GlassButton · August 2013

I've seen on here people suggest that you have a vase and they write good wishes or advice for you and use that as payment. Do you think you could do that?

forensicgirla · August 2013

I have definitely thought of visiting with everyone since I do have a large family and only 100 invites going out. I'm just very nervous because my parents have made it clear that they want a dollar dance.
But I don't want to be rude and just tell them: "well mom, you aren't paying for the reception, so I'm not having one".

Not really sure how to have that kind of conversation...

KeptInStitches · August 2013

"Mom, FI and I don't want to have a dollar dance. Don't worry, we will be sure to spend time with everyone."

Maggie0829 · August 2013

forensicgirla said:

I have definitely thought of visiting with everyone since I do have a large family and only 100 invites going out. I'm just very nervous because my parents have made it clear that they want a dollar dance. But I don't want to be rude and just tell them: "well mom, you aren't paying for the reception, so I'm not having one". Not really sure how to have that kind of conversation...

You say to them, "FI and I have discussed it and have decided that we are not having a dollar dance." If they keep pushing you keep saying "I appreciate your thoughts but the decision has been made." And you also make it explicitly clear to your DJ that under no circumstances is there to be a dollar dance at the reception.

Look your parents may get pissed but they will get over it. Just stick to your guns.

Abbyjensen · August 2013

I can see you starting to dance for everyone, and then people might think that it's a dollar dance (or a family member might announce it randomly) and then people would start giving dollars and then your FI's family wouldn't and it would get really awkward.

No advice for you, but I can see how that would be a tough spot to be in.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

forensicgirla said:

I have definitely thought of visiting with everyone since I do have a large family and only 100 invites going out. I'm just very nervous because my parents have made it clear that they want a dollar dance. But I don't want to be rude and just tell them: "well mom, you aren't paying for the reception, so I'm not having one". Not really sure how to have that kind of conversation...

You just don't. When mom bring it up say "Uh huh, sure thing Mom," then bean dip her.

Prior to the wedding make sure your DJ knows that under no circumstances will there be a Dollar Dance, no matter what your mother or anyone in your family says. Make sure you or your DOC reiterates this fact the day of the reception as well. If your Mom says anything to the DJ, hopefully he/she is professional enough to say "Uh huh, sure thing Mom, right after these next few songs," and then proceeds to ignore her request as per your instructions.

If your Mom tries to bring it up to you at your reception say "Uh huh, sure thing Mom," then quickly pass her off onto another relative and excuse yourself to go talk to XYZ guest.

BlondieBia21 · August 2013

Why does it matter so much to your parents if you have a dollar dance? Can't the DJ just say "and now we're going to have a time for anyone to dance with the bride/groom, anyone's welcome!" rather than making people pay to dance with you? I don't think it's a matter of the Midwest either, I am from there and am getting married in November and we are not having a dollar dance. I don't think my guests need to pay me to dance with me.

audreyecu61 · August 2013

People are different. Period. I like the idea of the alone dance time announce by the DJ. I do personall think dollar dances are cheesy.

We have different backgrounds and experiences that shape us. You will discover your traditions and customs will change over time because you are exposed to different life events, than even your own sibilngs.

Enjoy the day and don't stress too much about some items like this, thought is it very thoughtful of you to want to be considerate of both sides of the family.

Jen4948 · August 2013

Tell your parents, "FI and I have talked this through and firmly decided not to have a dollar dance. We will be letting our DJ know not to take requests for one. We will be willing to dance with guests without anyone being expected to pay. I'm sorry for any disappointment with our decision, but the subject is to be considered closed."

Teddy917 · August 2013

Maybe have a "well wishes" dance. Same as a dollar dance, except guests "pay" by writing advice or just saying congrats on a card.

Jessa617 · August 2013

Why do guests need an announcement to dance with the bride? Dollar dances aren't popular in my neck of the woods, so maybe I don't understand.

During my wedding, when a fun dance song came on, we all headed to the dance floor. Everyone knew they were welcome to join in without having to announce it.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

To "bean dip":

Mom/Dad: "We want you to have the dollar dance."

You/FI: "Sorry, we've made the decision not to do that, but we'll make sure to visit with everyone. Have you tried this bean dip? It's great!"

M/D: "But EVERYONE in our family does the dollar dance!"

You/FI: "Do you think they made this with sour cream? Yum!"

M/D: "dollar dance, dollar dance, DOLLAR DANCE!!!"

You/FI: "Excuse me, I need to go find out who brought this bean dip and get the recipe."

Give your DJ strict instructions that the parents of the bride are not paying his bills (sometimes they assume) and he is NOT under any circumstances to call for a dollar dance.

forensicgirla · August 2013

It's typically like a quieter time for the "elders". That slow song where you literally dance with all aunts, uncles, second cousin, grannie in the crowd. Also for drunk groomsmen to slow dance with the groom.

NYCBruin · August 2013

Jessa617 said:

Why do guests need an announcement to dance with the bride? Dollar dances aren't popular in my neck of the woods, so maybe I don't understand.

During my wedding, when a fun dance song came on, we all headed to the dance floor. Everyone knew they were welcome to join in without having to announce it.

I always wonder the same thing. I've never been to a wedding with a dollar dance. I've also never been to a wedding and not danced with the bride and/or groom.

forensicgirla · August 2013

forensicgirla said:
It's typically like a quieter time for the "elders". That slow song where you literally dance with all aunts, uncles, second cousin, grannie in the crowd. Also for drunk groomsmen to slow dance with the groom.

That's why people like it. Some people aren't keen on dancing. It's like when you were a child and great aunt Betty wanted you to kiss her in front of everyone, then would slip you a dollar.

I don't particularly have the preference, just explaining the culture.

Jessa617 · August 2013

The elders I visited at the tables, I actually went around to every table and greeted my guests, thanked them for coming, asked how they were doing and such.

I guess my point is, there are ways to see everyone without having to collect money from them.

forensicgirla · August 2013

I agree which is why I'm trying my best to not have one. In my family we see each other a lot (except me because I moved away).
Even if you go to all the tables, especially the matriarchs of the family, like to make a show of it.

Much like the garter toss (also trying to get out of). It's something people like doing.
I can hear it now lol: "where's the dollar dance? When's the garter toss? Oh my when can we leave the reception because x tradition wasn't fulfilled".

Not saying all my family is like that, I just don't like to hear their b#tching and moaning...

KeptInStitches · August 2013

Oh but the joy of a wedding is, when Mom starts bitching and moaning, you can excuse yourself to talk to FI's Great-Aunt Myrtle.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

forensicgirla said:

I agree which is why I'm trying my best to not have one. In my family we see each other a lot (except me because I moved away). Even if you go to all the tables, especially the matriarchs of the family, like to make a show of it. Much like the garter toss (also trying to get out of). It's something people like doing. I can hear it now lol: "where's the dollar dance? When's the garter toss? Oh my when can we leave the reception because x tradition wasn't fulfilled". Not saying all my family is like that, I just don't like to hear their b#tching and moaning...

The majority of my family is from the midwest and these traditions are common. They've been done at many a family wedding. I got married (in the midwest, I might add) 2 weeks ago. We threw a kick ass wedding that focused on food, open bar and good music. People were having such a good time they did not miss these tacky traditions.

Feed them and bathe them in liquor and soon they will forget that they ever wanted these things.

Simply Fated · August 2013

forensicgirla said:

I agree which is why I'm trying my best to not have one. In my family we see each other a lot (except me because I moved away). Even if you go to all the tables, especially the matriarchs of the family, like to make a show of it. Much like the garter toss (also trying to get out of). It's something people like doing. I can hear it now lol: "where's the dollar dance? When's the garter toss? Oh my when can we leave the reception because x tradition wasn't fulfilled". Not saying all my family is like that, I just don't like to hear their b#tching and moaning...

Are you really worried your family will want to leave just because you didn't have a dollar dance?
Replace dollar dance in your imaginary whit-if with another tradition, like wedding cake. Will your guests want to leave if they discover you won't be having a wedding cake?

I promise you, your family is there to be with you and celebrate with you. If any of them leave because you're not having a garter toss, that reflects poorly on them, not you.

Make it a point to dance with everyone and spend time with your guests. You shouldn't need an excuse, like a dollar dance to do that.

Your wedding is going to be amazing, even if you don't do everything your family expects of you.

melbelleup · August 2013

Honestly, it's up to you whether you want to do it or not. His family doesn't have to partake in it if they don't wish to. In my area, it is a tradition to do the dollar dance since it allows everyone time to visit with the bride (and groom). I'm doing it, but people don't have to give money. They can still dance with us and take a shot if they'd like. Money isn't required for the dollar dance. Though, like I said, with my family it is a pretty common tradition.

JellyBean52513 · August 2013

forensicgirla said:

My family is from the Midwest, where dollar dances are popular. My family sees it as a way to visit (semi-privately) and have fun, as well as help the couple out starting off the marriage with a little extra money. Typical for my family maybe raises between $150-500 a wedding. My fiancé's family is from the east coast, where dollar dances are seen as distasteful and greedy. I've been to weddings with and without dollar dances, and as long as they didn't last too long, I've never felt like they were distasteful or rude. On other boards, I know that etiquette states not to do them...but my parents and other family really want one, as that is something they like to do. If I have one, I'm afraid of looking greedy and rude to my fiancé's family, but if I don't have one, my family will be upset that I wouldn't want to dance with EVERYONE and would see it as being antisocial/rude.

If your parents aren't satisfied with "Don't worry mom and dad, I promise FI and I will make it a point to dance with EVERYONE," then it's clear the above bolded part is their primary concern. Regardless of region or tradition or culture, a wedding reception is NOT a fundraiser for a couple. It is a means to thank people for witnessing the ceremony, where two people were married. It drives me nuts that there are people who foam at mouth when they realize a buck can't be made off their wedding guests. I'm not intending to speak ill of your parents, but really, if they aren't happy with your promise to spend some time with each and every guest without the involvement of a dollar, then they have other concerns at heart than your quality time being spent with guests.

If the people in your family/circle genuinely like to give the newlyweds a dollar to dance with them, then call it a "Well Wishes" dance and have box or (other vessel that isn't see-through) labeled as such near the dance floor and have the DJ announce the dance in that way. Supply scraps of paper and a few pencils for guests who want to write a well-wishing note, and the guests who really want to give you money will supply a dollar in that box on their own. This eliminates the request/expectation of your guests forking over money.

NYCBruin · August 2013

melbelleup said:
Honestly, it's up to you whether you want to do it or not. His family doesn't have to partake in it if they don't wish to. In my area, it is a tradition to do the dollar dance since it allows everyone time to visit with the bride (and groom). I'm doing it, but people don't have to give money. They can still dance with us and take a shot if they'd like. Money isn't required for the dollar dance. Though, like I said, with my family it is a pretty common tradition.

Maybe I'm weird but if my FI's family thought something was horribly rude, I'd try to not have it happen the first time they meet my extended family. I'd hate my relatives to be the subject of FI's family gossip. I also would hope you wouldn't do something you know offends your future in laws (or any guest) at your wedding as a matter of respect. Then again this is the reason why I oppose all dollar dances so we clearly have different priorities.

Jen4948 · August 2013

melbelleup said:

Honestly, it's up to you whether you want to do it or not. His family doesn't have to partake in it if they don't wish to. In my area, it is a tradition to do the dollar dance since it allows everyone time to visit with the bride (and groom). I'm doing it, but people don't have to give money. They can still dance with us and take a shot if they'd like. Money isn't required for the dollar dance. Though, like I said, with my family it is a pretty common tradition.

Why can't they dance with you and take a shot without paying for it?

Families are very different!

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