When...when....WHEN???

KeptInStitches · August 2013

Have you mentioned to him that it's affecting you that he refers to you as his wife? Maybe getting him to see that he needs to back off will help everything, too.

Also, he asked you about diamonds to throw you off his real plan. You are getting a pony.

On that note, welcome! What's your favorite hobby?

queenofhearts1728 · August 2013

I feel like I'm in this boat now!! So i totally understand the chaos your brain succumbs to

My SO and I never really discussed marriage, but almost everyone we know IS married, and they tend to think of us as a married couple also. Sometimes they even refer to him as my husband instead of boyfriend, and correct themselves. On one hand, they kind of put the pressure on as to when we will get married, which i like and hate at the same time, because on one hand it forces us to think about it, but on the other, i feel like it FORCES us to think about it, if that makes sense at all. I don't want to rush into it, but I also don't want to just date the man forever!

I always joke that he is going to be stuck with me forever. Awhile back he jokingly asked if I wanted a diamond. Ever since, my mind has been running wild with ideas and I HATE IT. He knows I don't handle surprises well in that I cannot wait. I am nosy and it drives me bonkers not to know whatever it might be.

I think the simple fact that you two have discussed marriage in detail and that he showed you pictures at all is a great sign. It might absolutely drive you crazy waiting, but at least there's progress there!!!

I feel stuck in a limbo a lot of times with my SO, but I don't want to be the naggy GF who desperately wants to be married. It's never been my end goal, but as I said, I just can't date someone for the rest of my life and the longer we are together, the more I want to be with him forever. Not only that, but we just aren't financially stable enough to head for a wedding... he's in the middle of changing careers and I'm just starting mine.

LONG STORY SHORT: I TOTALLY GET IT! haha

bethsmiles · August 2013

The waiting can be hard. My BF and I are coming up on our 5th year together and I'm still waiting! It can be frustrating sometimes, I know. It can be really hard to live in the moment and not focus on the future. There's no magic words or simple trick for forgetting about it either. Just try to remember that while the future is exciting to think about there is still a lot to appreciate about your relationship now.

Even though he wants everything to be a surprise I think you should still talk to him about how you are feeling - especially the part about not liking that people treat you as though your married when you're not.

And tell us more about yourself! How did you and your SO (significant other) meet? How old are your kids? What do you do for a living? Favorite books, food, drink?

phira · August 2013

Sometimes, having things be a surprise is not worth the stress and anticipation. My partner and I have talked honestly about getting engaged and married, and we have been much less stressed about things like rings and EXACTLY when we're getting engaged since we've both been in the loop.

I would talk to your boyfriend about how you're feeling. Be honest with him.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

A man with two kids in his mid-40s doesn't show his live-in partner a ring and ask her what diamond cut she likes if he's not going to propose.

Just take this time to enjoy the confidence and relaxation of knowing. Enjoy every little minute. Every minute you're freaking out about it, you're not sitting back and basking in the "this is it". Even if it takes a year, give him time and most importantly your patience. Let him enjoy this part of the ride, too.

cartzell · August 2013

You ladies are absolutely WONDERFUL!

KeptInStitches: Thank god it's a pony and not a diamond, whew! LOL. That was the best reply and I don't think I'll ever forget that!

QueenofHearts: You are in the same boat! Let's find a bar on this boat and go meet up for a drink and some venting! LOL! Being financially stable is a whole other ballgame. With 4 kids (ages 9-12), we are always replacing things and throwing money into some sport, club or activity. Since June of last year, we have had to replace our washer, dryer, dishwasher, tv, kitchen cabinets, two cars, a deck and have renovated a bathroom and built a bedroom for our (his) oldest daughter. Our home needs a lot more work, and he knows I want a barn wedding at our home. Part of me thinks he is being responsible and trying to wait until we have caught back up from this past year of home improvements, and have some nice new items to show off when people come to our home...but then I look on our fridge and see the timeline to-do list for the house...and it is still full! It's like waiting until the "right time" to have a baby. Us parents know....the "right time" does not exist.

Beth: You give good advice about speaking to him. I wonder if now is the right time, with wedding fever surrounding us, it has overwhelmed me. I can only imagine how he is feeling about it. Also, we have another party in two weeks with the OTHER side of my family. There is a cousin on that side who is recently engaged...so I'm sure we'll be hearing it there too. So much running through my head (which is normal...I sort of over-analyze things...it's a side effect of being an accountant). But you're right, we have a lot to be thankful for with what we do have now.

cartzell · August 2013

Phira: To him, the surprise is worth it. He doesn't stress like I do. And part of me thinks that the less stress he thinks I'm feeling, the less stressed he will be. I would rather come to the knot and find wonderful women like you to calm my nerves than worry him with my (irrational for the most part) anxiety. However, it sounds like you two have found a great way to deal with this!

SouthernBelle: You make the most logical sense of anyone...and you make very good points. I do need to relax and enjoy this. Sometimes I even sit back and do just smile and think "this is really amazing..". Then some idiot calls me his wife and I tumble right back down into the black hole of non-wifedom. haha? But, YOU ARE RIGHT!!!

I will keep coming back to read your posts when I get down or stressed about this. TYSM!

Oh, and yes...about us!

We have known each other for a very long time...family friends who lost touch over the years. Eventually we ended up working for the same company. He was divorced, I was also newly single. In 2011, we were seated together at a mutual friend's wedding (and both happened to go solo). A few months after the wedding, he came around again and asked me to dinner. The rest...well you can see where we are now!

Our kids are aged 9-12, we have two each. They get along amazingly, you'd think they were friends forever. That's another aspect...they call each other brothers and sisters and call us mom and dad. It's the cutest thing and I'd never take that away from them.
In a million ways, we have been lucky. Lucky to have worked where we did to end up at that wedding together, lucky to have kids at different stages of our lives as it makes them so close now, lucky that a month after we decided to move in together I found a job close to our new home (I'm an accountant), my very large family loves him and his small family loves me. I couldn't ask for anything more...and yes, I do realize I'm being a complete princess by thinking I have anything to realistically complain about!

cartzell · August 2013

Ah, I forgot to answer the two most important questions!

My favorite hobby is currently pinning to my secret wedding board on Pinterest. Shoot, probably shouldn't admit that. OTHER than that, my SO and I play lots of sports...tennis, softball, golf.

My favorite drink is beer. Wheat beers, craft beers...good beer (especially in the summer)!

What about YOU ladies!?

bethsmiles · August 2013

That's so awesome that your kids get along so well!

I don't really like beer. But my BF is a total beer snob. He pretty much only drinks micro-brews so it's lucky we live in Colorado where those are plentiful!

And I have a secret wedding board on Pinterest. I figure it doesn't hurt to day dream

You should stick around on this board!

cartzell · August 2013

Beth, congrats on the weight loss...I see your summer goal!! I have lost 39lbs since January. Trying for another 10-15.

I will definitely stick around, this was my first post...but with such great responses (unlike many other sites) I believe I'm hooked!

THANK YOU for admitting to a secret wedding board! Hahaha! I feel so much better!

KeptInStitches · August 2013

I like beer, but I have been told I don't drink good beer. I enjoy Batch 19 once in a while, and I like Goose Island Summertime, but usually I just drink Bud Light.

What's your favorite dessert? What was the best vacation you ever went on (or what vacation would you like to go on most)?

phira · August 2013

cartzell said:

Phira: To him, the surprise is worth it. He doesn't stress like I do. And part of me thinks that the less stress he thinks I'm feeling, the less stressed he will be. I would rather come to the knot and find wonderful women like you to calm my nerves than worry him with my (irrational for the most part) anxiety. However, it sounds like you two have found a great way to deal with this!

It's nice to try to minimize his stress, but don't forget that he should care about minimizing your stress as well!

queenofhearts1728 · August 2013

cartzell said:

QueenofHearts: You are in the same boat! Let's find a bar on this boat and go meet up for a drink and some venting! LOL! Being financially stable is a whole other ballgame. With 4 kids (ages 9-12), we are always replacing things and throwing money into some sport, club or activity. Since June of last year, we have had to replace our washer, dryer, dishwasher, tv, kitchen cabinets, two cars, a deck and have renovated a bathroom and built a bedroom for our (his) oldest daughter. Our home needs a lot more work, and he knows I want a barn wedding at our home. Part of me thinks he is being responsible and trying to wait until we have caught back up from this past year of home improvements, and have some nice new items to show off when people come to our home...but then I look on our fridge and see the timeline to-do list for the house...and it is still full! It's like waiting until the "right time" to have a baby. Us parents know....the "right time" does not exist.

I'm sure the 'right time' will never exist for anything! lol pretty crappy for us then, eh?!

cu97tiger · August 2013

cartzell said:

My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. He is much older than I am, and thus the boyfriend/girlfriend titles really don't suit us (I'm 30, he's mid 40's). We have talked about marriage and know we will get married. We have lived together for over a year and have 4 kids between the two of us. It's a full house! When we call to change the cable or the phone service, or are speaking to strangers, he calls me his wife. Last weekend at a family party, my dad introduced him to my out-of-town cousins as my fiance' and everyone spent the weekend talking about how the family "needs" a wedding to get us all together again.

Two weeks ago, he showed me a couple pictures of rings and asked me if I had a preference of cut for the diamond. Since then, I have basically been doing everything possible to keep from losing my mind in anticipation! I am not the patient type, and have been ready for the engagement for awhile. We had mentally and emotionally committed ourselves to each other long before we had even discussed marriage. We are also hopeless romantics and traditional; he won't take me ring shopping. He wants the surprise effect, and I do too.

Though I love the idea of being his wife, I don't like that people treat us as married when we are not. It makes me feel like he is "getting the milk without buying the cow", and therefore will take even more time before we do get married. I wish he had never shown me those pictures because I will never know what his timeline is. Maybe he wasn't seriously shopping yet, and maybe he still needs more time. Because this is the one big thing he can control, and I know that is important to him, I wouldn't feel comfortable asking him about it. Yet I don't want to become someone who fails to enjoy our relationship as it is now without the pressure of wedding planning. But I can't go back and change that he brought it up, and I don't know how to turn that switch off (you know the switch...the one that tells your brain it's ok to plan your entire wedding and expect a proposal every time he ties his shoes). And most important, I am afraid that my anticipation will turn to hurt feelings if he does take his time...I will wonder why he isn't ready and burn myself out on the dream wedding planning. Those things could hurt our relationship and I certainly don't want that.

Do men know the damage that can be done with ONE single photo of a diamond???

Has anyone else been in this boat? Please, pass on your wisdom!

TL;DR - but about the bolded... WHAT? You have lived together for over a year and blended your family, but you don't like that people treat you as married? You are worried he's getting the milk for free? If that's the case, you did that to yourself.

grumbledore · August 2013

queenofhearts1728 said:

I feel like I'm in this boat now!! So i totally understand the chaos your brain succumbs to

My SO and I never really discussed marriage, but almost everyone we know IS married, and they tend to think of us as a married couple also. Sometimes they even refer to him as my husband instead of boyfriend, and correct themselves. On one hand, they kind of put the pressure on as to when we will get married, which i like and hate at the same time, because on one hand it forces us to think about it, but on the other, i feel like it FORCES us to think about it, if that makes sense at all. I don't want to rush into it, but I also don't want to just date the man forever!

I always joke that he is going to be stuck with me forever. Awhile back he jokingly asked if I wanted a diamond. Ever since, my mind has been running wild with ideas and I HATE IT. He knows I don't handle surprises well in that I cannot wait. I am nosy and it drives me bonkers not to know whatever it might be.

I think the simple fact that you two have discussed marriage in detail and that he showed you pictures at all is a great sign. It might absolutely drive you crazy waiting, but at least there's progress there!!!

I feel stuck in a limbo a lot of times with my SO, but I don't want to be the naggy GF who desperately wants to be married. It's never been my end goal, but as I said, I just can't date someone for the rest of my life and the longer we are together, the more I want to be with him forever. Not only that, but we just aren't financially stable enough to head for a wedding... he's in the middle of changing careers and I'm just starting mine.

LONG STORY SHORT: I TOTALLY GET IT! haha

Why not just go ahead and discuss it like grownups? It's literally the biggest decision you will ever make. At some point you just have to bite the bullet and talk about it.

loves2shop4shoes · August 2013

Huh????

bethsmiles · August 2013

What's with the DD? This was a pretty positive thread!

When...when....WHEN???

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