Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Snarky Brides
Snarky Brides
New Discussion
Options

Nagging Concerns and Troubling Thoughts....

staugustinegalstaugustinegal member
Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
in Snarky Brides
Ok, I don't post much but need to get this off my chest. 

Story begins that my FI said another woman's name while we were engaged in "adult activities". I got upset, we confronted it and dealt with it, and we moved on. He was never defensive, only apologetic and emotionally supportive as I worked through the trust issue that slightly reared up due to his misspoken name. He has never given me reason to suspect it was anything other than a Freudian slip. We're still a happy couple with the usual ups and downs that go with any relationship. This "other woman" is one of my bridesmaids, married, and was his coworker before he changed jobs. We still see her and her husband on a regular basis. That mishap was almost a year ago. 

We're getting married in 8 weeks. This past week, while we were all hanging out, he accidentally called her "babe". That's one of his pet names for me. He corrected himself, referred to her by her name instead, and the conversation went on. 

The first time she came up, I was a wreck for a while. Like I said, he was apologetic and emotionally supportive and has never given me a reason to think there is a bigger underlying issue. This new slip... It is starting to bother me. We talked about it briefly and I shrugged it off. I think I wanted to ignore it completely. And I still don't think there is anything to worry about as far as our relationship. It just bugs me and I'm a little off-put by the whole thing. 

Like I said, I just needed to get everything off my chest. I love him, he is the one, and he treats me with nothing but respect and love. I don't want to be hurt by the second slip, but it's just nagging at me...

Report Reply to Post

Re: Nagging Concerns and Troubling Thoughts....

  • Options
    astimmelastimmel member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    That would make me feel weird, too. Could you approach your BM with this and ask her about it? I can kind of understand one slip up, although it would be awkward. But a second one, involving a personal pet name, would make me really uncomfortable.

    Sooo, I think your feelings are valid, but I don't actually have any advice to give you....
    Report Reply
  • Options
    staugustinegalstaugustinegal member
    Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    @astimmel - I've avoided talking to my BM about it. She is happily married and one of the nicest ladies I know. And, with my MOH residing 1500 miles away, she has really been there as a BM when my MOH couldn't be around. So, I'm afraid of mentioning it because I don't want to ruin her friendship with my FI - they went to college together and even then she was engaged. So, between her sense of morals and my FI's, I have the gut feeling that nothing ever happened. 

    Still the feeling that he may harbor some kind of desire for her is just giving me the weirds. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    MayDay513MayDay513 member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited July 2013
    Do they have a history? Or is he like fantasizing about her?

    This would bother me too. More than a little.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    staugustinegalstaugustinegal member
    Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    @huynhette - no history of a romantic kind. They were friends all through college but she was engaged to her current husband that entire time. So, friendship history? Yes. Romantic history? My gut says no. And everything he and she have told me says no, too. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    MayDay513MayDay513 member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    staugustinegal said:
    @huynhette - no history of a romantic kind. They were friends all through college but she was engaged to her current husband that entire time. So, friendship history? Yes. Romantic history? My gut says no. And everything he and she have told me says no, too. 
    The first instance would bother me more than the second. I think if your gut says nothing is going on, then he could just have had a slip of the tongue. I however, also don't have any advice to give. But I hope this doesn't become anything bigger for you.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    CLoGreenEyesCLoGreenEyes member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    I 100% agree with @QueerFemme, I don't think you need to talk to the BM about it. It could make her uncomfortable as well, considering she is happily married and the first slip-up isn't even on her radar.

    I wouldn't shrug this off since it is bothering you so much, which is perfectly understandable. Just ask him straight-up, "It really bothered me that you called her babe. Why do you think that happened?" He probably feels really terrible about the slip-ups as well, since it sounds like he has always been a trustworthy and honest partner. It will be an awkward conversation for sure, but you probably both need to have it in order to put the weirdness behind you.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    GypsyWife_GypsyWife_ member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    OK so I am guilty of calling another person babe. And my husband has called me another woman's name lots of times. Not in bed. But he doesnt talk in bed. Anywyas he calls me by my sister in laws name all the time when we hang out. I'd shrug it off.
    If you trust him make sure you let him know that before having any kind of conversation.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    staugustinegalstaugustinegal member
    Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    Well, I guess this is one of those times when I count my stars and garters. He and I talked about the snafu, and again he was nothing but understanding and apologetic. In his words, he created an Achilles heel by the first slip up. And he understands that even this small second snafu is enough to cause a little doubt. He says what he did to our relationship was unfair, and that he couldn't ever be mad at me for feeling unsettled. So, the issue may not be 100% resolved emotionally on my end, but at least he was willing to listen, talk and help. Thank you again for listening, everyone. Sometimes just knowing that one isn't being dramatic or hypersensitive helps with the whole thing.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    hordolhordol member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited July 2013
    It would bother me too, and I 100% agree with what QueerFemme said above. Too much time together lately?

    The saying it in bed thing would bother me WAY more than the second one, though. I have accidently called my husband by my best friend's fiance's name before, the reason being that their names are very similar (both start with "Jo") and we had just gotten done either hanging out with them or talking about them (can't remember exactly) but they were on my mind. Because they were on my mind, it slipped out. I can assure you it had NOTHING to do with romantic feelings, because I'm actually not crazy about my best friend's fiance, but he makes her happy so whatever. :) Anyway, it slipped out and my husband (bf at the time) jokingly made fun of me for loving the other guy or something. We laughed about it and moved on. It's very, very weird that he called her babe in public but I've accidently called my mom by the nickname I have for my husband before. Weird, I know, but these slip ups happen.

    Sit him down and talk to him about it. I don't blame you that you feel like you need some reassurance, I probably would too if I were in that situation. You obviously trust them both, so I would just talk to your FI to see if he has any idea why it came out. And I think that spending less time with them in the coming weeks might be a good idea if you think he may have any sort of desire there.

    ETA: Admittedly didn't read the whole thread until now and I see that you two have talked. That is so awesome that he was so understanding of the emotions that these situations can put you through and that he wasn't defensive about it at all. You have a keeper! (Anyone who can talk through issues without getting defensive is a keeper in my book, hah.)
    image



    PitaPata Dog tickers
    Report Reply
  • Options
    MissMollyMissMolly member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    StageManager14 said:
    Personally, I think you at least need to postpone until you can call sex "sex".  

    Other than that, if it's nagging at you this much, you don't trust him as much you claim to and you need to get to the bottom of those feelings and what causes them.
    This ^
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    wittykitty14wittykitty14 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    Yeah, this would bug me.  But only the first one would have bothered me, not so much the second.  Hell, last time DH and I were visiting his family, he called his dad "dear" (which is what we call each other).  It was a slip of the tongue, nothing more.  We laughed about it.  Just this morning, I was talking to my brother and mentioned H, but I spaced and couldn't remember his name!  My own husband!  It was nothing more than a brain fart.  They happen.

    It sounds like your FI is amazing.  The fact that he's responded the way he has to your concerns speaks a lot about his character, IMO.  It sounds like these were nothing more than just innocent mistakes.  What's getting to me is that even after all these conversations, this is still eating away at you.  You need to look at where that's coming from.

     

    Report Reply
  • Options
    Jessa617 Jessa617 member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    I have to agree with some of the other ladies here. If H called me by another woman's name during sex, then I'd be pretty upset about it. There are lots of reasons to cause a slip of the tongue, the main reason being you just talked about someone or saw someone with that name. "Babe" is such a generic nickname, everybody calls everybody Babe. I wouldn't be too concerned about that one.

     

    If you are bothered this much by it, I don't think you trust him as much as you think you do, or want to. Unfortunately I have no other advice on how to get that issue resolved.

    Anniversary
    Report Reply
  • Options
    pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Eh. I'll chime in because a few similar things have happened, but I have been the offender.
    I have a newer but very close guy friend that I have called babe twice and sweetie once (both names I only use for my guy). My guy heard one and spent two weeks making fun of me for it.  All totally embarrassing instances, but do I have feelings for my friend? No! Just used to talking to my boy and it slipped.  Mostly because I got really excited to tell him something and wanted to get his attention. In my head I was thinking they would both enjoy the story I was about it tell and it just slipped.  Oops.  I have also said "I love you" to countless friends and strangers when hanging up the phone out of reflex (including this new guy friend!).  My guy heard that one too and thought it was hilarious. :)

    I wouldn't think either of your instances would warrant worry.  The first I might have been concerned, but if I talked to him about it and trusted his response I wouldn't think it is a big deal. Maybe emotions just combining with natural nerves for the upcoming wedding?

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    saraboppsarabopp
    Name Dropper First Comment
    I call my fi by my cat's name.

    At a dinner party this week, my fi's best friend called his wife by my nickname. We all laughed about it- especially because the wife and I share the same first name which is why we often use nicknames.

    It's great that you guys are able to communicate clearly. If you don't think anything suspicious is going on, I wouldn't stress over it too much. You'll only drive yourself crazy or read into things too much. Trust you gut!

     
    Report Reply
  • Options
    ADH0906ADH0906 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    Sounds like you guys have an open and honest relationship, with totally free lines of communication.  If you still feel uncomfortable, it's valid to keep talking through it until you are more at ease.  But I definitely agree with sarabopp...  you'll drive yourself crazy rehashing it constantly.

    This might sound really strange, but one of my biggest fears is calling my fiance other names during sex... I have no idea where this fear comes from, and it's never happened, but... *shrug* 

    Last time we were visiting my parents' house, I called my brother 'babe.'  He found it totally hilarious, and said "oh, yeah, Dad accidentally calls me 'hon' all the time."  For me, pet names are associated with comfort and familiarity, and my gut instinct is that your fiance is around this person enough that it just slipped out.  It happens.

    Report Reply
  • Options
    RedJacks25RedJacks25 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    My FI had one name slip-up in bed, and it was actually on our first night together. He called me his ex-girlfriend's name. I quickly learned that he had been still hooking up with her a couple of weeks into us dating, though we were unofficial at the time. That bothered me a lot, but to me that was understandable because, well, I was the new one around and he was still seeing her on the side. So even though it bothered me, I moved past it and it's never been a problem again.

    But he also, a lot of the time, slips up and calls other people "babe." His brother, for example. I think that one is just habit because he's so used to saying it.

    I personally wouldn't be upset about your FI's "babe" slip-up, but I would definitely be upset and questioning him because of the name slip-up. In my instance, it was because he was actually seeing someone else back then. So if it happened again, I would think it was for the same reason.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    staugustinegalstaugustinegal member
    Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    Thank you to everyone who commented and offered their insights into this issue. As I mentioned, I'm very lucky that he and I have talked through this without drama. It has been resolved, and I sincerely appreciate everyone who had anything to say. Every perspective sheds new light!
    Report Reply
  • Options
    d2vad2va member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    Ive called my mother baby 

    Hahah! 

    I wouldnt worry about it too much especially since it seems you have a very open relationship. Slip of the tongue!
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards