Shower guests not invited to the wedding...

jaghdr28 · August 2013

My fiancé and I are on a very limited budget and therefore had to cut our guest list way down. There were several people that I wanted to invite to my bridal shower and had intended on inviting to our wedding but now am not able to invite them to the wedding due to limited space. I want these ladies to be apart of my special day somehow so my first question is, is it ok to invite people to the shower but not to the wedding, and if so, what is the best approach to do this?

WinstonsGirl · August 2013

Anyone invited to pre-wedding parties needs to be invited to the wedding, otherwise you're giving the impression that they can buy you a gift for the shower but don't need to attend your ceremony.

KatWAG · August 2013

absolutely not okay. Why would you invite someone to the pre party but not the actual event? If you want to celebrate with people who aren't invited, go out for drinks after your wedding.

allispain · August 2013

Unfortunately, no, you cannot invite someone to any pre-wedding event (like a shower) if they will not be invited to the wedding itself.

Dreamergirl8812 · August 2013

jaghdr28 said:

My fiancé and I are on a very limited budget and therefore had to cut our guest list way down. There were several people that I wanted to invite to my bridal shower and had intended on inviting to our wedding but now am not able to invite them to the wedding due to limited space. I want these ladies to be apart of my special day somehow so my first question is, is it ok to invite people to the shower but not to the wedding, and if so, what is the best approach to do this?

They will be apart from your special day. But they will not be a part of it.

Inviting them to shower you with gifts is a shit consolation prize.

MoonlightSilver · August 2013

No, you cannot invite them to the shower and then exclude them from the wedding. Everyone invited to the shower has to be invited to the wedding.

JoanE2012 · August 2013

jaghdr28 said:

My fiancé and I are on a very limited budget and therefore had to cut our guest list way down. There were several people that I wanted to invite to my bridal shower and had intended on inviting to our wedding but now am not able to invite them to the wedding due to limited space. I want these ladies to be apart of my special day somehow so my first question is, is it ok to invite people to the shower but not to the wedding, and if so, what is the best approach to do this?

Only guests invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower.

Jen4948 · August 2013

No, you can only invite them to the shower if they are also invited to the wedding.

erinlin25 · August 2013

what you are saying is they are special enough to bring you a gift at a shower, but not special enough to come to the actual wedding...

NerdyLucy · August 2013

So basically they're good enough to buy you stuff, but they're not good enough to enjoy the main event. When it's phrased that way, it doesn't sound very nice, does it?

NOLAbridealmost · August 2013

Sorry, but no. You cannot invite anyone to a shower (or B party or E party) and not invite them to the wedding. Think of it like this....imagine a friend is having a bunch of her besties to dinner for her birthday. Imagine how awkward it would be if she can only invite 10 people to dinner, but she invites you to come over for just a drink before everyone leaves to go to the restaurant. You'd feel awkward and left out for not being included in the dinner. it's just like that with weddings.

jaghdr28 · August 2013

No, when put that way it doesn't sound nice. And how I put it is not how I meant it. I'm just saying that the wedding is mostly going to be family, because he and I both come from big families. I was just trying to figure out a way to include people that I wanted to invite but now won't be able to.

Xstatic3333 · August 2013

I believe you didn't mean it that way, they were just pointing out how it can come off. People will understand that you had to limit your guest list, don't worry! Most of us do these days.

NerdyLucy · August 2013

jaghdr28 said:

No, when put that way it doesn't sound nice. And how I put it is not how I meant it. I'm just saying that the wedding is mostly going to be family, because he and I both come from big families. I was just trying to figure out a way to include people that I wanted to invite but now won't be able to.

I don't think you're a bad person, but I did want you to see it from a not-so-nice perspective because, honestly, that would probably be how some of the snubbed guests would see it. You may have good intentions, but this idea can backfire very easily.

NYCBruin · August 2013

Is there a way you can cut down other costs? Perhaps have your reception at a non meal time? Cake and punch receptions are lovely and far less expensive. You'd likely be able to include most if not all of the people you were hoping to invite.

jaghdr28 · August 2013

We could do that but we've cut down a lot of costs already. Most of the wedding is DIY... most of my decorations are previously used, I'm doing my own invitations, my uncle is doing the food but we have to buy the ingredients. I'm not sure what other corners I could cut. Any suggestions?

NYCBruin · August 2013

It depends on the type of reception you are currently planning. Having a dry reception at a non-meal time will cut a lot of costs you'd incur in a traditional evening reception. There are also a lot of things that you really don't need. If you post over on the Budget & DIY Board, the ladies over there can give you more guidance.

Viczaesar · August 2013

jaghdr28 said:

My fiancé and I are on a very limited budget and therefore had to cut our guest list way down. There were several people that I wanted to invite to my bridal shower and had intended on inviting to our wedding but now am not able to invite them to the wedding due to limited space. I want these ladies to be apart of my special day somehow so my first question is, is it ok to invite people to the shower but not to the wedding, and if so, what is the best approach to do this?

No, absolutely not.

grumbledore · August 2013

jaghdr28 said:

My fiancé and I are on a very limited budget and therefore had to cut our guest list way down. There were several people that I wanted to invite to my bridal shower and had intended on inviting to our wedding but now am not able to invite them to the wedding due to limited space. I want these ladies to be apart of my special day somehow so my first question is, is it ok to invite people to the shower but not to the wedding, and if so, what is the best approach to do this?

1. I sincerely hope that you are only providing someone else the guest list for the shower, and not planning it yourself. If you are planning it yourself, stop.

2. If someone else is planning it, do not put anyone on the list who is not invited to the wedding. If you want people to be part of your special day, invite them to be part of your special day.

ElcaB · August 2013

Sorry, but this is not okay.

If you want to include them, cut costs and invite them to your wedding. To cut costs further than you have, ask specific questions. We can't offer advice if we don't know what kind of details you're planning. Are you having an open bar? Getting a wedding cake? Videographer? There are tons of ways to cut back if you think about it and do your research.

AddieCake · August 2013

It's rude to invite people to pre-wedding parties and not to the wedding. People need to learn that not everyone can be "included" and just get over it.

KDM323 · August 2013

1. You don't host your own shower so you shouldn't be inviting anyone to a shower. Someone else would have to host a shower for you or you simply don't have one.

2. Everyone that is invited to pre-wedding parties must be invited to the actual wedding.

golden1215 · August 2013

jaghdr28 said:

No, when put that way it doesn't sound nice. And how I put it is not how I meant it. I'm just saying that the wedding is mostly going to be family, because he and I both come from big families. I was just trying to figure out a way to include people that I wanted to invite but now won't be able to.

I'll go out on a limb and say that we had a 30 person wedding. Just immediate family, grandparents, 2 sets of aunt/uncles, my one bf as maid of honor, DHs one best friend as best man etc. My shower was, of couse then, very small. I did have a great aunt and one out of town cousin that happened to be in town that weekend that insisted on coming to my shower and bringing me a gift even though they were not invited to the wedding. While I realize it's technically an etiquette faux pas, I wasn't going to not let them walk in the door at the shower.

So, if you truly are having a tiny wedding, and people insist on coming, I wouldnt be rude and turn them away. But I would never have given their names to the person throwing the shower in the beginning.

Jen4948 · August 2013

golden1215 said:

jaghdr28 said:

No, when put that way it doesn't sound nice. And how I put it is not how I meant it. I'm just saying that the wedding is mostly going to be family, because he and I both come from big families. I was just trying to figure out a way to include people that I wanted to invite but now won't be able to.

I'll go out on a limb and say that we had a 30 person wedding. Just immediate family, grandparents, 2 sets of aunt/uncles, my one bf as maid of honor, DHs one best friend as best man etc. My shower was, of couse then, very small. I did have a great aunt and one out of town cousin that happened to be in town that weekend that insisted on coming to my shower and bringing me a gift even though they were not invited to the wedding. While I realize it's technically an etiquette faux pas, I wasn't going to not let them walk in the door at the shower.
So, if you truly are having a tiny wedding, and people insist on coming, I wouldnt be rude and turn them away. But I would never have given their names to the person throwing the shower in the beginning.

Turning away uninvited guests isn't rude. That said, it does have to be done with delicacy, as in: "It's great to see you, but unfortunately we aren't able to accommodate you."

grumbledore · August 2013

Jen4948 said:

golden1215 said:

jaghdr28 said:

No, when put that way it doesn't sound nice. And how I put it is not how I meant it. I'm just saying that the wedding is mostly going to be family, because he and I both come from big families. I was just trying to figure out a way to include people that I wanted to invite but now won't be able to.

I'll go out on a limb and say that we had a 30 person wedding. Just immediate family, grandparents, 2 sets of aunt/uncles, my one bf as maid of honor, DHs one best friend as best man etc. My shower was, of couse then, very small. I did have a great aunt and one out of town cousin that happened to be in town that weekend that insisted on coming to my shower and bringing me a gift even though they were not invited to the wedding. While I realize it's technically an etiquette faux pas, I wasn't going to not let them walk in the door at the shower.
So, if you truly are having a tiny wedding, and people insist on coming, I wouldnt be rude and turn them away. But I would never have given their names to the person throwing the shower in the beginning.

Turning away uninvited guests isn't rude. That said, it does have to be done with delicacy, as in: "It's great to see you, but unfortunately we aren't able to accommodate you."

While in theory I agree with this, I accept that in the moment, it may not be the best idea to turn someone away at the door. Especially if the event is somewhat informal. If the shower has a plated meal, this could be a very big problem if extra people show up, but if it's at someone's house I think I would just suck it up and let them stay (assuming I liked them in the first place).

jaghdr28 · August 2013

We are having a small cake. My uncle is preparing the food for us but we are actually buying the food. He's charging us way less than what he would charge someone who isn't family. We aren't having alcohol, or a videographer. My friend is going to take the pictures and I'm editing them myself. It's up in the air if there will be a DJ. If there was a way to hook speakers up to my nano, I'd do that but I can't find any iPod docks that hold nanos. I'm not hosting the shower myself... but my friend who is hosting it asked for the list of people she should invite along with their addresses. So I'll just have to revamp it and then give it to her.

grumbledore · August 2013

Phew, that's good news. I know it can suck to not include people, but sometimes it's just what you have to do.

Jen4948 · August 2013

grumbledore said:

Jen4948 said:

golden1215 said:

jaghdr28 said:

No, when put that way it doesn't sound nice. And how I put it is not how I meant it. I'm just saying that the wedding is mostly going to be family, because he and I both come from big families. I was just trying to figure out a way to include people that I wanted to invite but now won't be able to.

I'll go out on a limb and say that we had a 30 person wedding. Just immediate family, grandparents, 2 sets of aunt/uncles, my one bf as maid of honor, DHs one best friend as best man etc. My shower was, of couse then, very small. I did have a great aunt and one out of town cousin that happened to be in town that weekend that insisted on coming to my shower and bringing me a gift even though they were not invited to the wedding. While I realize it's technically an etiquette faux pas, I wasn't going to not let them walk in the door at the shower.
So, if you truly are having a tiny wedding, and people insist on coming, I wouldnt be rude and turn them away. But I would never have given their names to the person throwing the shower in the beginning.

Turning away uninvited guests isn't rude. That said, it does have to be done with delicacy, as in: "It's great to see you, but unfortunately we aren't able to accommodate you."

While in theory I agree with this, I accept that in the moment, it may not be the best idea to turn someone away at the door. Especially if the event is somewhat informal. If the shower has a plated meal, this could be a very big problem if extra people show up, but if it's at someone's house I think I would just suck it up and let them stay (assuming I liked them in the first place).

I think it depends on circumstances. If the event is informal and the people in question are ones you don't mind entertaining, then it's reasonable, but if the reason they weren't invited is because the event was supposed to be either formal and/or small and intimate or because I don't like them, I think they're intruding and I would not be willing to suck it up. In that case, I would gently but firmly let them know that they can't be accommodated.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

jaghdr28 said:

We are having a small cake. My uncle is preparing the food for us but we are actually buying the food. He's charging us way less than what he would charge someone who isn't family. We aren't having alcohol, or a videographer. My friend is going to take the pictures and I'm editing them myself. It's up in the air if there will be a DJ. If there was a way to hook speakers up to my nano, I'd do that but I can't find any iPod docks that hold nanos. I'm not hosting the shower myself... but my friend who is hosting it asked for the list of people she should invite along with their addresses. So I'll just have to revamp it and then give it to her.

Sounds like you're doing everything you can to save money. Yea, it's a bummer to not be able to include everyone. I would head over to the Budget and DIY board to get some money saving ideas. Maybe if you can save enough money, you could expand the guest list. I really liked the idea of a cake and punch reception if you're willing to adjust your times and plans a little. That style of reception is a win-win way to include a large amount of people and still host them properly.

Stay on the boards and good luck planning!!

Dottie05 · August 2013

jaghdr28 said:

My fiancé and I are on a very limited budget and therefore had to cut our guest list way down. There were several people that I wanted to invite to my bridal shower and had intended on inviting to our wedding but now am not able to invite them to the wedding due to limited space. I want these ladies to be apart of my special day somehow so my first question is, is it ok to invite people to the shower but not to the wedding, and if so, what is the best approach to do this?

I don't know how inviting someone to your shower and not the wedding would be including them in your special day, when they are not actually invited to your special day?

Glad you're making the right decision and cutting down the list.

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