Flower Girl backed out. Now has expectations....

Re: Flower Girl backed out. Now has expectations....

• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  August 2013

  
  

  Brownnm said:

  Our 6 year old niece has decided she does not want to be our flower girl but instead help out the day of the wedding.  She is still expecting to wear a dress similar to the new flower girl.  Our niece's mother (future SIL) has hinted to her that we will be getting her a gift even though she is not our flower girl.  I am dumbfounded how to handle this.  I am tapped out for money and need advice.  Help!

  You didn't really need to replace her -- which I am inferring from your saying "the new flower girl" -- but that's probably a moot point by now.
  

  
  

  Whatever expectations your SIL is giving your niece are on her, not on you. You're perfectly within your rights, if she's giving her daughter the idea she's going to get a gift, to take her aside quietly and say, "SIL, we had planned to give little Suzy a gift when she was planning on being our FB, as a thank-you for being in our wedding. Since she's not going to be in the wedding, we're not going to be giving her a gift, any more than we're giving other guests gifts." (Other than obviously the reception.)

  
  

  That being said...I would try to find something small for her, I really would. She's six. She backed out because she's scared and nervous. She didn't do it to spite you or be mean. And for you to have found a replacement FG tells her that she's not really special to you. She won't remember that you were tapped out, she'll remember that her aunt didn't give her a present even though she "helped out." And she won't remember the difference between "helping out" and "being a FG."

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

  Report3 Reply
• Viczaesar member

  

  August 2013

  I'm not sure what the problem is.  Get her the same gift you were already going to get her.  Don't punish the kid for getting stage fright.  And what do you mean by new flower girl?  Definitely don't replace her!
  

  
  
  
  

  Report4 Reply
• Simply Fated member

  

  August 2013

  Brownnm said:

  Our 6 year old niece has decided she does not want to be our flower girl but instead help out the day of the wedding.  She is still expecting to wear a dress similar to the new flower girl.  Our niece's mother (future SIL) has hinted to her that we will be getting her a gift even though she is not our flower girl.  I am dumbfounded how to handle this.  I am tapped out for money and need advice.  Help!

  Why did she back out?
  
  I think it's super weird that her mom is telling her she'll still get a gift. Was a gift being used as a bribe to get her to be the flower girl in the first place?
  Anyway, I'd still get her a small gift, it doesn't have to cost much. She's six, so she probably like everything. Like ten bucks, tops?
  
  Let her wear what ever dress she wants. It doesn't have to be the same as the flower girl's dress. What ever fits her mom's budget. And maybe she can help hand out the programs or favors or what ever she thinks will be "helpful to aunt Brownnm."
  
  
  I feel bad for your new flower girl, though. She wasn't your first choice, she's just the replacement girl. Poor kid. Second choice, first runner up.
  

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• misssunshine17 member

  

  August 2013

  Mommy wants everything for her special snowflake. Go to the dollar store and buy a few things and decorate in a bucket or something, if you do decide to do something.

  
  Are you dictating her dress? She's no longer in the WP, so she can wear whatever. 

  Report1 Reply
• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  August 2013

  Brownnm said:

  Our 6 year old niece has decided she does not want to be our flower girl but instead help out the day of the wedding.  She is still expecting to wear a dress similar to the new flower girl.  Our niece's mother (future SIL) has hinted to her that we will be getting her a gift even though she is not our flower girl.  I am dumbfounded how to handle this.  I am tapped out for money and need advice.  Help!

  I'm going to go against the grain here and say I think it's fine you have another FG. Your niece backed out because she wanted to do something else. Find out what she wants to do and decide if you want to let her do it. If she changes her mind (again) and wants to be an FG, just have two. She can wear whatever - it will seriously not effect you at all and you probably won't even notice.

  
  

  As for the gift, I'm with @misssunshine17 - get her a couple of things from the dollar store and call it a day.

  *********************************************************************************

  
  

  

  Report4 Reply
• kmmssg mod

  

  August 2013 edited August 2013

  Well, you all can call me the cranky old lady here, but there is no reason to give the child a gift.  This is life lesson time and it is a highly valuable one in my eyes.  When you quit something, that's it!  You don't get the rewards, you don't get all the stuff you thought was awesome if you don't do the job.  I'm serious - this is an awesome time for this child to learn this and she should!  You are not penalizing a child for not giving them a gift for something they didn't do.  They didn't do it!

  
  

  Shame on the mom...

  
  

  ETA - shame on whomever told the child there was a gift at the end of all of this.  A child should never be bribed with gifts to do something (not sure if this child was bribed), but I don't think a child should have a clue there would be a thank you gift.  This is where the rampant entitlement attitude gets started.

  
  

  Returning to my coffee now

  Report24 Reply
• KatWAG member

  

  August 2013

  kmmssg said:

  Well, you all can call me the cranky old lady here, but there is no reason to give the child a gift.  This is life lesson time and it is a highly valuable one in my eyes.  When you quit something, that's it!  You don't get the rewards, you don't get all the stuff you thought was awesome if you don't do the job.  I'm serious - this is an awesome time for this child to learn this and she should!  You are not penalizing a child for not giving them a gift for something they didn't do.  They didn't do it!

  
  

  Shame on the mom...

  
  

  ETA - shame on whomever told the child there was a gift at the end of all of this.  A child should never be bribed with gifts to do something (not sure if this child was bribed), but I don't think a child should have a clue there would be a thank you gift.  This is where the rampant entitlement attitude gets started.

  
  

  Returning to my coffee now

  Hip Hip Hooray! I completely agree. FG quit, she should deal with the consequences. This ranks up there with trophies for participation and not keeping score of little league game so "everyone" wins.  
  

  

  Report7 Reply
• Brownnm member

  

  August 2013

  She was asked as the FG and then backed out because she got scared.  The last wedding she was the FG for, she locked herself in a closet and refused to leave her closet for the entire wedding.  So I understand she is scared and can respect that---I mean she is 6!  Her mother actually told me to have once certain other girl to stand in her place.  She actually told me this multiple times so never was there a 2nd best choice.  We wanted both girls to be flower girls.  So NO ONE was second best.  I never bribed her.  In fact we never said a word about gifts.  This gift thing is a new thing that my FSIL has told her daughter.  Of course she can wear whatever dress she chooses however, I find it odd that she feels entitled to a gift and a dress for something she backed out of. (I am sure I will be blasted or even saying that on here!)  So thank you Katwag, jennyknowsbest, and kmmssg for making not feel like a total idiot!  

   

  On that note I will go to the dollar store or target and find something for her.  I think my issue was more on the standard that is being set for my soon to be niece.  Who by the way I think very highly of for whomever said she was unimportant to me!!!

  Report4 Reply
• MobKaz member

  

  August 2013

  
  

  I am 100% in Camp Kmmssg.  This makes me think back to birthday parties where the birthday child got a goodie bag at his own party.  

  
  

  I have to wonder why this young girl was asked in the first place considering her "history".  I would caution you to be very judicious in choosing her new wedding day "task".  Make sure it is nothing upon which you really need to depend.  IF you were to have a shower, perhaps she could have a role in that....helping pass gifts along to you or something of that nature.

  Report0 Reply
• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2013

  I would respect that she does not want to be an FG (and you're doing that) but not give her a gift.  I'd also tell your FSIL that you will not be giving your ex-FG a gift, and she can deal with it.
  

  Report1 Reply
• Brownnm member

  

  August 2013

  thanks mobkaz   We asked her because we had hoped she would feel more comfortable since she knows us so well.  As I read everyone's different opinions on this it helps me to see things in the eyes of a 6 year old girl.  Perhaps I am really just venting about my unhappiness with how my FSIL has dealt with this all.  I have been told my future niece is "more excited than me for my shower this weekend and can't wait to open all my gifts ". I think this is a losing battle that perhaps isnt worth  fighting as I do not want to disrespect my FSIL's parenting  as much as I disagree with it.   Any other thoughts or ideas?? 

  Report0 Reply
• nsweare member

  

  August 2013

  OMG! Call me a Grinch but a huge pet peeve I have is little kids opening someone else's presents. Don't open my fucking presents. I don't open your presents for crying out loud. I don't know if I have any good suggestions or even advice. Maybe if FSIL brings it up again say, "me too! I can't wait to open MY gifts. I just love opening gifts. Opening MY gifts is going to be super fun for ME!" I doubt she'd get it though.

  Report5 Reply
• MobKaz member

  

  August 2013 edited August 2013

  Brownnm said:

  thanks mobkaz   We asked her because we had hoped she would feel more comfortable since she knows us so well.  As I read everyone's different opinions on this it helps me to see things in the eyes of a 6 year old girl.  Perhaps I am really just venting about my unhappiness with how my FSIL has dealt with this all.  I have been told my future niece is "more excited than me for my shower this weekend and can't wait to open all my gifts ". I think this is a losing battle that perhaps isnt worth  fighting as I do not want to disrespect my FSIL's parenting  as much as I disagree with it.   Any other thoughts or ideas?? 

  
  

  
  

  This absolutely is a battle worth fighting. Will it be cute to watch your niece help you and your groom cut your wedding cake? Although this may seem exaggerated right now, will you enjoy watching someone else's child smash your child's first birthday cake? Your guests are attending the shower to watch YOU open YOUR gifts. I don't think this is the time to be subtle. Simply explain that you do not want to upset or offend guests by having a child open gifts meant for you. You can also remind your SIL that many of the gifts will be heavy, clumsy, and fragile. Remind SIL that much like shopping, if she breaks it, she buys it. (Joking about that last idea). I would be firm about this. Perhaps you could ask a friend, BM, or your mom to be the "present passer" to you, acting as the middle man between you and your niece.

  Report3 Reply
• Viczaesar member

  

  August 2013

  Since she still wants to be involved in the wedding and "help out", she's just scared of the walking down the aisle part, I think she should still be considered part of the wedding party and thus still get a wedding party gift. 
  

  
  
  
  

  Report1 Reply
• Simply Fated member

  

  August 2013

  Viczaesar said:

  Since she still wants to be involved in the wedding and "help out", she's just scared of the walking down the aisle part, I think she should still be considered part of the wedding party and thus still get a wedding party gift. 
  

  This is my thought process, too.
  If a friend backed out of being a bridesmaid and you had her as a reader, you'd still get her a gift, right?
  For that reason, and that reason only, I'd get her a gift.

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• kmmssg mod

  

  August 2013

  I would be making a firm but polite phonecall to your FSIL that the child will NOT be opening your gifts!  This is a hill you should make a stand on.  As a shower guest, I get a bit wrapped around the ax handle when children are opening gifts and taking away from the experience.  I love kids, I really do, but they need to be parented to that people want to be around them - not raised to be so entitled.  Seems like FSIL is determined to raise an entitled child.

  Report5 Reply
• AddieCake member

  

  August 2013 edited August 2013

  I agree not to get her a gift. She doesn't need a gift if she is not in the wedding party,and that was her choice. I'm not in your wedding party, but I'm offering you advice. Do you need me to PM you my address so you can send me a gift for it?

  
  

  ETA: I might be willing to concede on getting her a gift if I knew what kind of "helping out" she would be doing. That is very vague to me. 

  
  

  
  

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

  Report0 Reply